Once upon a Sybil Vain

Don't you think being genius is an evil thing?

If one is genius, they reserve their intelligence to themselves.  Knowledge can't be shared like wealth.  Being rich is also evil.

No.
Its objective.
Perfectly objective.


On my desk is a collection of Shakespeare sonnets, on top of that is Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, and on top of that a Nintendo DS  I'm listening to an audiobook of Dorian Gray.
If I wrote the book Dorian Gray it would have taken a decade.
It is genius.
I watched The Tempest, by William Shakespeare.


I've done a lot today.
I've eaten a lot.
My body feels balanced.
I am happy the cut in my mouth has almost healed.


Tomorrow I get a day off.
Its already tomorrow.
Time to sleep.
Dorian Gray must wait.

Blame God

Life feels like a mistake.
And I feel cornered.  The walls at my back block out the light, and my closed eyelids darken the rest of the world.  I feel like sleeping.  The body lays down in a chair, lays down while standing, lays down driving.  Ready to sleep in the notice of a moment.
I saw a beautiful girl today.
I said goodbye to my cousin today.  I get an odd feeling of what I'm missing with her.  She is so beautiful.  I know... I enjoy her so much because I crave beauty enough that anything would do.  I wish I could stroke her cheek.  But she is a younger cousin by 6 years.  No one would understand me.

So instead I dream that someone will come along.
I could have talked to the pretty face i saw today.  But I felt she was so far away...
I don't want to try to get close to something far away.  I'm not the type to hunt for something that runs away when it hears you approaching.  I'd like someone curious.

I'd like to see Violet.
She was beautiful enough.  Pleasant.  Interested in me... or so I thought.
I'd love to see her again.


I'm hungry.
But I don't want to eat.  It feels like I'm trying to force a smile every bite I chew.  So I will sleep.
I will wake up hungry.
Sunrise Sunset.
Always is the same.



Stay beautiful

All in the desire

I've heard it before that just wanting to do sin is just as bad as doing it.  People must have gotten that idea from the Bible because it makes no sense.  I'd be a terrible person if that were true.

I've been drifting off into fantasies of incest with my younger cousin.


I am a capable person, I can control what I do.  But I don't think it is possible for me to block out the thoughts.  I don't even want to.


Physically I ignored every plea from my consciousness to avoid calories.  I ate.  Victory right?
I feel bigger... and I feel like a rubber ball.  Like I'd bounce if I hit the ground.


The cut in my mouth hasn't healed.
And I've spilled blood numerous times from the hole in my finger.


I talked to Maslow today.  I'm so envious of his mind.
Wish I was smart.


I've wanted to take picture of myself.
I know I'm ugly.
But I've actually wanted to see a mirror.
I've always wondered how come mirrors can reflect everything perfectly when nothing else can.
Originality
Makes the mirror powerful.



stay beautiful

Crash

Two days ago I burned my mouth.

Today it hurt so much I couldn't take it anymore.  So I started rubbing it with my finger.  My nail tore open the flesh in my mouth.
I immediately was rewarded with a blood covered finger.  I licked off the blood and sucked in my fill from the sore.


I want to cry
my existence is so low



stay beautiful

I'm a waste of your time

Thanks for reading.

I'm gone this weekend.
Just wanted to say.

There are things I don't want to say; those encompass the usual.  Too little work.
Too little pain.
I think in order to do things for other people I have to do those things for myself.

I chanced a bumper sticker today; it said "Think Pickles"


I love you butterfly
And I hate myself
I'm getting fatter


stay beautiful

"You're a character"

Actually I'm hungry.
 
Light-headed and hungry.  I usually am this way.  But this instant is different, because I actually want to eat.
I'm at work.
 
I don't understand why all the sudden hunger needs to be filled.  I've liked being empty in the past.
 
 
I think it is ironic that people have been calling my phone expecting to get a hold of me.
Its ridiculously broken.  Right now it functions like a clock with a picture that can recieve texts.  I can reply only when I get the text and I am limited in my choice of letters.  I know I can't use the letters d, t, k, p, y, and a few others.  But sadly... those are the best letters for saying "sorrY, buT mY Phone Doesn'T worK and i can'T reallY TexT you righT now"
Imagine if you left out every capital letter...  Well, I've tried to tell them.
The I try calling, and ironically they ignore it and send a text "I can't answer the phone right now"
Well, thats great because I can't text.
 
stay beautiful

Quantify

I wish I could quantify my effort.  But yesterday I worked an hour off the clock.  I have done nothing for my body.  I've binged (the strangest binge of 2 cookies, 2 credit card sized portions of meat, and some blackberries).  I've felt hungry.
I don't know how to say it,
but I feel like I've been trying.  I don't know what at.

Because I'm not doing anything.
I just want to have fun.

Its my winter break.  Until January 24th, and I'm so torn by double work schedules that I have no idea how I can enjoy myself.
I didn't fail any classes this semester.
My phone is broken (new one should come in today).
I spent a lot of money on a piece of my computer I'm making.
I'm buying it one part at a time.

There is no clue to where I am or where I want to be.  I need a number.


stay beautiful

Journey to the end

"You think about it"
you think about it.

He kept saying that.  What he really meant was "Listen to me, you do as I say"
And I kept saying no.
no.

NO.


I spent about 3 hours of my 8 hour shift (where I'm not even legally working for this guy yet) arguing with him over how impossible it is for me to work for him while I am working for someone else at the same exact time in a different location.
His English pretty much sucks.

I got home today and told my mother I ate two of the largest apples I have ever had in my life for lunch.  She said "You have to take care of yourself"
Fuck you.
Serious...  I ate far too much today.  Two apples, Two of my banana bars that I cooked, breakfast and a spaghetti dinner.  Fucking load.

I'm not going to lose weight like this.  And Its sad... because I want to lose so badly.
I stress ate today.  Felt like a balloon.

She wasn't there... Violet.
Violet didn't have work today, but she texted me.  And I couldn't respond.

My cell phone is broken.
I have a lot of work.
Work
work...

and another audition this weekend.


I'm so lonely that I hope Ks is there.  I want Ks to be my friend.
I want Violet to touch me again.
I want to see Faceless Fantasy

And I want to fight for my butterfly.


In the back of my mind I remember that I'm trying to raise money for the fight against cancer.  But I'm so worried that I'll get so caught up in work and school that I will never get to it.

The Storm... I've wanted to contact Miss Storm for a while.  We were acquaintances in high school, she is a drama major, a perfectionist, and a Shakespeare enthusiast.  She is the type of girl that takes the perfect photos and never has a hair out of place.  She has red hair and blue eyes.  I don't find her especially attractive, but I can see she is beautiful.  I've wanted to talk with her, and learn from her, in regards to Shakespeare.  Today I copied Sonnet 18 a few times.  I want to contact Storm sometime after I have memorized at least that sonnet and synthesized some Shakespearean speech of my own.

But I'm me.
I eat enough to survive
Only to have it grown out of proportion in my mind.
I work hard
but avoid work whenever I can because I'd rather be having fun
And I learn
But don't work at it, because learning shouldn't require you to be uncomfortable.  For you forget those things that you learned when you were uncomfortable.  Those things you want to let go.

What matters is how far you go

or for myself, how far I go

Stay beautiful

Insular Mindlessness

I can't write this yet.
Now I can.

I taste blood in my nose.  And today, i got so dizzy that I couldn't see.  Then I binged, and I felt like the only two thoughts I could hold were the strangest things in the world.  The first was "Why I am eating?" and the second was "Why am I still dizzy no matter how much I eat?"
But an hour later the disorientation subsided so I was just left brooding over the sheer calories I consumed.

I now have two jobs.
I am on break from school.  But its dumb having two workloads to complete.  Two schedules to think about.  I want to find someone to train for my second job so I can only have my first job.  I only want one job all of a sudden.  And I just finished my first day.

Today I looked down at my arms.  They look so average when relaxed.  I want to rip them to shreds... actually I want to bite them.  I've found biting myself to be fulfilling.  I love the look of the purple teeth marks from gnawing at my loose skin.  I don't taste all that wonderful, but if I strike blood I'm ecstatic with pain.  Fucking screwball...
I'm not supposed to look average.  Or relaxed.  But I've been weak.  So weak...

I'll get stronger, I swear I will.
And I won't binge like I did today.
Its repulsive.

Without school, I have decided to continue pursuing Shakespeare.  I might even impress someone one day.  For what other use is there to Shakespeare?

I've got to go...
Disc 2 of Hamlet.


Stay beautiful

How are you?

I'm having a pretty fucking terrible day.
 
I've been asked HOW ARE YOU so many fucking times today.
And I've lied to you all
 
Stop fucking asking
 
stay beautiful

I need to make this simple because my last post failed.

But I signed up for something I can't do.

I'm a logistics coordinator for a Cancer relay for life.



stay beautiful

Borderline

I just got a 69 in a class with an optional final.
You know what that means?  Besides I have to take the final... I'm sad.
 
And to me, that counds more than the grade
because I'm happier this way.
 
 
stay beautiful

I ate two slices of pizza.  I know everything I put on it.  But I can't remember all the caloric values.  I'm bringing that fancy journal everywhere now...   I need to write all my eats down again so you can see how disgusting I am.
You'll know I'm not thin
not beautiful
not even strong enough to abstain from food

I do not have a sexy body, I have a stomach that protrudes over my hip bones.  Stomachs aren't meant to store food, they are meant to pulverize it and relax at a concave setting.  Its in our biology, the muscles are best relaxed when empty. 
Whatever, I'm not even smart.

Tomorrow decides whether I pass calculus or not.
If not, then I'll try again Thursday


I miss something I've never had
I miss having a female crying on my shoulder
so I have to do nothing
and I can be as ugly as I am and its okay
because she just needs someone to cry on
I'm there
And I have to do nothing.



stay beautiful

Or not

I was wrong.
But at least I know I'm crazy.


Stay beautiful

Mourned

I don't want school to end.
It ends this week.
School ends this week.
I'm not ready
In fact.  I'm 5 pages from failure at this moment.

fml?
no.
I'm only sad at this one thing
I'm sure of it.

8K72483ry863st863al S386es683la8365r is dead.

stay beautiful

5870

Last night I couldn't sleep.
My leg from my hip to my toe was in severe pain.
I was trying to sleep through it.
That wasn't going to happen.

I'm inflexible.  That is how I say it happened.

Todays Dawdle expanded on

Love stroked her cheek
Too pretty to him she was
but nothing else was
attractive

Her eyes
,beautiful like roses,
were down  
Her hands
delicate like birds
rested uselessly on his arms,

His face closer to hers

"And you won't even feel a thing."
Doctor
Liar 
I could feel the needle puncturing my arm,
feel digging into skin to reach blood
Feel him push it in
Blood washing poison like a river washing blood
I needed to see but had to look away
I didn't want to see the                                                                            Demon
doctor

Fluorescent light woven gloves 
White squares, white ceiling, white coat white room
Doctor retracted the needle  A small bubble of blood formed from the minuscule cavity, and it grew to a drop, and grew to a tear  Staining the skin as it fell

Poison
convulse
convulse
convulse
In a matter of seconds her eyes were blank  Sad, hurt, surprised, dead and blank

The reptile shook his head
The man did nothing but stare
And she did the same

There was no winning
I have found Nihilism




































There.  I changed today's story into a poem.
I did things that the artists do...  I have only one period in the whole poem  Beginnings of sentences are shown by capital letters.  My commas are formalities of sentence structure, but I purposely leave out a lot of commas.  I left out the last the last comma in the white description line to make a weakening echo kind of effect.  I hope.  I don't know.
I've used enjambment (breaking my sentences by starting a new line before completing a thought; seen in the "i didn't want to see the..." line).  Don't take English classes.
This poem is a waste of time.


stay beautiful

Hobbyist

He guessed it was love; stroked her cheek.  To him, she might have been too pretty, but nothing else was attractive.  The whole world was filled with things that didn't mean anything.  Nothing could make him feel.
Her eyes, beautiful like roses, looked down.  He hands rested uselessly against him, he pulled his face closer to hers...

"And you won't even feel a thing"  Said the doctor.
Liar.  I could sense the needle puncturing my arm, digging into skin to reach blood. I knew when he pushed in whatever it was, I noticed a difference as my blood mixed with the substance.  Still, I kept my eyes away.  I didn't want to see the doctor.

Light stained his reptilian skin.  He wore a sheen of white squares on the undressed backs of his hands, his lab coat hung long.  He retracted the needle.  A small bubble of blood formed from the minuscule cavity, and it grew to a drop, and grew to a tear.  Staining the skin as it went.

Just then the poison set in.  Deathly pain wracked her body.  She convulsed and convulsed and convulsed.  In a matter of seconds her eyes were blank.  Sad, hurt, surprised, but dead and blank.

The human showed no reaction.  The human had reached a point where nothing else mattered but death.

The reptile shook his head
The man did nothing but stare
And she did the same

There was no winning.






I had a daydream and I wanted to record it.  Hopefully this shows quite well what it was.  Some sort of unnamed passion for an unnamed girl.  Then a flashback, or sort of a transportation out of time to a hospital-like setting.  Except the doctor is really a demon.  This demon torments someone who has been killed on the inside.  And what the demon did, we go back to the passion, kills him even more.  The woman was an unfortunate victim.  Sort of collateral.
Isn't that what we are?
Players in our own lives
Collateral to everyone else.




stay beautiful

Energizer

My physical status goes something like... I've been having one meal per day.  But that will probably change today.
Food has made me ridiculously full lately.  Chewing was a little hard.

But I'm so darn happy for no reason.
I've had a lot of energy for no reason.
I also love the movie Hamlet.  I haven't even seen the whole thing, but I've downloaded it for free.  I can watch it anytime.
I've had pleasing dreams of building computers, of purchasing and purchasing and purchasing.  Cleaning the house, repairing cars, ameliorating everything.  For no good reason I've been happy.  The only thing I haven't dreamed of spending money on is food.  But I have dreamt of buying fancy cooking utensils, doing dishes, and buying clothes.

I have a paper to write.  One paper.
I have 1 calculus test to get 78% or higher on.
And I have 2 classes to show up to.

Then I'm done.  For a month.  I can starve, play my instrument, spend money, walk all day.  Anything.  I'll probably spend the time gaming with what I have.  A safe investment.  Although...  I want to build a computer just to show I can.  I know I can.

I don't exist emotionally right now.  There is nothing but freedom.  Joy every moment to be alive.
And I don't want to be happy.  But I can't control my feelings.

I long to look into a defeated human's eyes and find their sadness.  I wish sorrow like that was mine.
I'll have time after my academic formalities to search.


stay beautiful

61 day mark

I gave blood today.  It was a week after my 54 day mark (the day you can give again if I remember correctly)
And the nurse taking my pulse told me:
"Did you know your heart skips a beat?"
-Now... I've taken my pulse before.  If my heart has always skipped a beat I would have known.  This is something new. 
... "Do you have any difficulty with physical activity"
"no"

She was concerned.
I wasn't.


Its sad, yesterday I looked in the mirror and I could swear I've gained.  I'm a reasonable person.  I know what is lost weight and what is gained weight.  I know I have been fine when I was thinner.  I know it.
I've actually been different.
But I eat like everyone else.

I'm curious though...  Why was my pulse so high (usually I'm around 60 unless I'm fasting- and that is 72-80- and I got 74 when I wasn't fasting)?  Weird.
I know my body.  I know my mind.

I spent every spare second of today eating.  I didn't have many spare seconds, but I got in 3 complete meals.
Right now I want to sleep.
But I have a project to do.
Then sleep.


God
I'm lonely...



stay beautiful

What I see

Sadly enough...


I think that the audition failure was just a minor thing.  It meant a lot.  It made an emotional impact.  I can't try again until next year.  I really suck at music.  But I feel like I didn't miss out on much.
In fact, the thing that sticks in my head for the audition is that I met a girl there and we looked at each other a lot and talked.

No
I'm not interested.
I don't want to spend my future with her.
I don't want to be with anyone...

Sadly, I just want to spend time with a pretty face, and then leave her before I hurt.
I want to be the shallow cut that heals by tomorrow.

I want to be forgotten.
Then I can live every day like I was just born.
The first day of my life.
So that the next girl I see, will be the most beautiful one I have seen yet.
No more memories.

Looking forward.



stay beautiful

I failed the audition

I wiped away the tears I never cried
Woke up the next day to another blank dream



stay beautiful

Forward

Because there is no other direction.

I would like to note that dying is possible in doses.  You don't have to die all at once.  You can die piece by piece.

But where I am...
Let see,
Cereal happened this morning.
And I had a peanut butter jelly sandwich.

Time passes in food.

I've wondered.  The rumors about animals eating their weight in food.  I wonder if humans do that.  I wonder how much that cereal weighed.  And how much the sandwich.  And what does that explain for those days I don't eat.
Oh wait...  I do eat.
I eat plenty.

And yet... I've still had to bear those comments.
'you don't eat enough'
'have seconds'
'is that all you are having?'
'here, try this, its fattening, but its good for you'

I swear, the only time I see emotion in the mirror is if I'm smiling at some petty thing that I don't care about.  Or...  If an anguished face looks back at me.  Every time I think of food this happens.



Audition is tomorrow
I'll tell you how it goes... but not Saturday or Sunday.



Stay beautiful

because

Not really, but...

We didn't have anything to say.

The time that has
Been forgotten or wasted.
Not
all of it
but some.


We try to understand ourselves.
But we are just one person.

I am just one person.



And blessed are they, that cry every night.
That sleep because hate they what they see.
Blessed are they.
For they feel.

Those that do not feel
We


Stay beautiful

Short.

I will never be good enough for you.

Today I did things like see that Harry Potter movie.  I knew I would.
Because... other people wanted me to.
And its the same reason I suppress the voice.  Other people want me to be human.  They don't want to see me enjoy suffering.  I've been having the hardest time accepting my current academic situation.
And I like it.  I want to dig myself deeper.
The only thing that is on my nerves for sure... is how weak I am.

Sorry everyone.  Sorry I haven't been strong.


Stay beautiful

Don't want to be me

Pictures are popping into my thoughts.  Pictures of me that I have never taken...  And I've been thinking lately; should I take pictures?

I don't like to.  I'm not okay with how my body appears.  I don't want pictures of that.  So... No.  It won't make me feel better, I'll just feel worse.
I'm sad.
Now I'm not.
See how easy it is to be me?

Except... I miss having a feeling for longer than a few seconds.  For dreaming of something only one night.  I'll only watch a movie once, because I get nothing the second time.  I can't feel.

I will be recommended the new Harry Potter movie one of these days.  The truth is... That movie is such a product of our time that I don't want to see it.  I don't want to see something that has been perfected from consumerism.  Something that was made as good as it is because there was a crowd already attached to it, and it makes money.  Audiences just hand money out to what they think is good.
I want something that is good because its personality is that way.
Harry Potter started as a low level fiction book, wonderfully designed for everyone.  It grew into a Fiction Phenomenon, and the author got better.  The first movie was simply a following.  The characters were young, their acting amateur.  But we have called the the directors for more.  We are feeding ourselves... with our own money.

I wish I could say what I feel.
Something about this Harry Potter...
Being a product of NOW.  This month.  Polarizes me.  I do not want to see it.



I am a certain person.
With uncertain thoughts.
I have a future
but it is full of...
obstacles.

I'm getting lazy.
I did nothing today.  No workout.
It rained.
But...  This isn't who i want to be.
Tomorrow I have to be that person.
Damn.



Stay beautiful

Was it what you expected?

No.
Nothing is.
Love dies.
I stay strong.

I wish I wasn't invincible.  That I would be weak enough to stop fighting against everything that goes wrong.

Tonight, in the rain, I got a flat tire.  Within 10 minutes I was safe at home, the car left in some parking lot, listing to the front and the side, but I'm safe at home and the tire doesn't matter anymore.
Today, I heard your voice.  And while it is beautiful, it isn't Violet.
I noticed that Violet has an addiction to caffeine.  It was only a date.  It was only a hug at the end.
My love has died.
I am...
just my words now.
I can only fulfill my promises.
And try to make money...

Money...  For those of you stuck in life with 'no escape'... you haven't seen what money can do.
Money can rebuild a life.
You can be born again if you can afford it.

Tonight... it is still raining.
I'm considering selling my soul to the cold.
But I think I'm going to ignore that voice.

Now...  I only need to convince her she doesn't love me.
I feel pathetic.
Impassionate.
Perfunctionary...

Is that the correct use of the word?
Of course it isn't

I want you to see who I am.
I am your demonic angel


stay beautiful

Thank you Violet

She wrote about me here: http://www.myspace.com/frostlace/blog/540764777

This is what it says...

[Sand Castle]

He's an alien, I think.
A beautiful, creative, impressively bright being.
He doesn't think so, and he has psychological flaws like we mortals do.
Maybe that's why he took that class with me.
Did he want to understand what plagued him; us?
He reminds me of a character in a movie I saw once.
He says things that imply he's not like me or the rest of us.
I wonder if it's beautiful where he came from.
Sometimes when I say things I can see him thinking.
He makes me think even without saying a thing.
He looks as fragile as I feel, and I'm too scared to fracture him with my touch.
His eyes tell me stories.
I don't know when he's going to leave, but I'll probably be lost without him.
...

She has more to say of the world.  But I own this.
Thank you. 
I could use the perception of others.


Now.
My life is measured in food.  Time is whenever something is eaten.  The more I eat in a day, the more time I have in that day.  On some days I live only for seconds, those days are lightheaded and afraid of falling on their faces.
The little voice inside me tells me that she approves of my effort.  I'm trying aren't I?

Still, it is silent, the only message I get is the sensation of a headnod.  I'm going to be better in my life.  We are both patient for other times.


Love is...
I don't want to say love is real.  Love is real, real and mortal.  Love dies.
Candles live longer than my love.

But I will burn... for Monique.  Burning transcendence from flame to vapor.  And as vapors...  I will be a million high speed molecules.
Never
resting.

Every day I have to get stronger.
Yesterday i did 450 push-ups.
Today...



stay beautiful

I'm obsessed.
Yeah, I did other things, like walk my Zubat 6 miles yesterday.
I caught a green zubat today.
Yeah...


but Monique. 
Hi.
Goddess.  Goddess.  Goddess.
I'm going to worship this girl.  She isn't mine yet.  But I'm going to own her.  There is no other.

I will deserve her.
This stranger.
Who dreams of me.  Who I have wanted.
She wants me to want her.
I want this to be the last love of my life.

But... I'm so strong.
So invincible.
I might outlive this too.

be
 to
 wanted
 have
 I
 thing
 broken
 that
 be
 will
 I
 ...
 ends
 it
 when
 least
At .

stay beautiful

I'm scared

Someone asked this on my formspring:

The phone is ringing, its Ana calling, should I answer?

 

 I can't pretend that I don't hear it too.

I feel like its alive in my head.  And its just been waiting.

I don't want to...

 

 If you can... play the 15 minute game; the rules of the game go as follows.  You tell yourself that 15 minutes from now you will give in, but if 15 minutes later you remember and you are about to give in, you first have to ask yourself: can I do another 15 minutes?  If you can, you have to wait another 15 minutes before you give in.  And you play, and you play and you play.

I never won...

stay beautiful

I wrote this to http://howtobecomeanorexic.org/

I don't think you understand any of it.
 
First, you should know that I didn't enter a valid name, that 'forserious' is only an alias.
Also, your advertisements are nothing more than advertisements.  You don't care about the person I am or the broken image I hold on to.
You proselytize a 'healthy' lifestyle as the ultimate anorexia.
 
Anorexia is an eating disorder.  In my case, I am a nearly underweight person who tries to lose weight.
When you have a low body fat percentage it takes starving to lose the pounds you have.  Because unlike the people you seem to be advertising to, I don't have 'extra' pounds.  I'm still trying to get rid of it.
 
I conclude that this will reach some advertising firm, and they also don't care who I am, because I'll tell you right now; I don't have money to give to you.
If I did have money I wouldn't waste it on your plans.
 
I was insulted by the webpage that brought me this, and when I wrote against it I was treated like a customer.
 
 
Is that all I am?
Money?
A marketing strategy?
Decorate it all with the word Anorexia...
 
Whatever, you won't get it.
 
 
 
stay beautiful

Want it and its yours

I've diagnosed myself.
I'm not trying for anything.


I'm dreaming to dream.  I want things to live.
Eventually, I'll become less than what I am as I show more of what I am.
Understand
You shall become nothing when you want nothing.

stay beautiful

Why we try

Supposedly there are scientific studies that show we release 'love chemicals' only during the first 3 years of a relationship.  If you asked, I'm sure Google could tell you more.

My best friend went on a 7 mile run with me.  I'm proud of him; I like to talk about myself, but I'm proud of his attitude.  He did the run for himself mostly.  And spending time with me doing it was only because it makes it feel like he isn't trying as hard.
I pushed him quite hard.  But he will get stronger.  I know there are people that can push me to my limits.  Right now... I wouldn't do so well, but break my heart again and I could do anything.  I'm invincible when I'm broken.


If you could, think of a reason you try.  Why do you keep trying and trying and trying.
Why do you try to wake up?
Why do you try to make yourself lose weight?
Why try to be beautiful?
Why do you deny any beauty apparent in you?
Why are you the person you are?
Why are you reading the blog of a deranged child molester that is currently (during the moments he wrote this entry) playing pokemon?
Why you a fool?


I wish...  Life was harder


stay beautiful

I don't faint

I have never fainted, but I've gotten close a few times.
 
Right now I'm half-asleep and fatigued.  There is a diference.  When close to fainting you lose contact, when you are sleepy and fatigued you have no coordination, but you still know what is going on.
There are four reasons why this happened so suddenly.
1. Food, I haven't meant to, but I'm not eating.
2. Sleep, I didn't mean to, but I didn't sleep
3. Yesterday's walk.  I never gave myself time to recover after walking for 3 hours.  It has been a long time since my 5 hour walks.
4. ...  I don't remember.  I had 4 reasons.
 
 
I feel so alone.
I want to hate life, but thats too hard for me.
 
I'm far too curious to hate.
 
I don't remember the last time I was angry.
 
 
I'm writing this at work because I'm lonely.
 
I wish I could say more, but I'm not a very capable person right now.  Still, it doesn't hurt enough.
 
Stay beautiful

Sometimes I have an ED

I almost felt like crying this morning.
I was putting on my belt and had it to where it felt like it usually was (a normal fit) and I thought I saw another hole...
 
I was so scared I grew a whole waist size overnight
 
Stay beautiful

Short hop- depressed?

I like how in Pokemon you can growl at something that is asleep and its attack still is reduced.

I didn't work today; my work called me and told me they didn't want me to come in.  It wasn't busy.enough to need me.


I cooked dinner tonight.  Its the only meal I had today.
I was fine all day.  Today I bought a Pokewalker (and a whole lot of stuff to go with it like a DS, Soul Silver, Leaf Green, and Diamond- all for $70).  I got somewhere around 15000 steps in with it.  I walked from 10am to 1pm.  Did shopping errands.
I went to the library, returned City of Bones (finished) and Soarer's choice (also finished- also a better book than City of Bones).
I went to the used bookstore, but there wasn't anything I wanted.  So I organized the Magic books.
Then I walked to the card store and bought some cards.
Then I walked to the store to buy dinner.

I was a bit lightheaded at times.  I drank water and was fine.  When I was home I had more tea.


Today I had a dream, I has this dream while walking.  You could say I was 'dreamwalking'
\I'm not sure what to call it, but I'm going to start a group that volunteers weekly.  I'm going to start by finding polluted places and take pictures of the trash.  Then my friends and I will clean it up, and hang out like we usually do.  When we can, we will invite those female acquaintances that we wish were friends in order to spend more time around beautiful girls.  Its good for the community, I will be able to portfolio the whole project (via before and after pictures) and also... I won't be doing all the work.  My friends will pick up trash with me AND I'm going to post this project on craigslist.  I tell people to take a picture of some place with clutter and leave directions on how to get there.  I will set a day on the calendar to clean it up, we will have a whole schedule of planned events like this.  Perhaps someone will get creative and give us other volunteer projects.  Also... I'm going to be brainstorming for more projects.

I'll archive the volunteer somewhere online and send you the link.  I will not be advertising volunteer work here... this is my personal life.  I put my dreams here.
I happened to dream of picking up trash.


Some of my friends online are so beautiful...
I don't have anyone close to me as beautiful.
Nadina, Rosie, Facelessfantasy, Kelly Anne, everyone.  You are beautiful.  I'm left in the dust.


My mouth is dry in my mind.  But I can feel it, slimy, tasting of chai spice.  I've been drooling, maybe those attractive females are stilling inhabiting my thoughts.  I'm such a boy to drool over you.

Pokemon...  Good game.  I have work tomorrow.  8 hours.  Not playing any pokemon at work.


Unless it is acted on, it cannot be called knowledge
Stay beautiful

Less than a body

We dream...

Something about who i am bothers me.  I feel like I changed too much, that by eating food I have lost what made me beautiful before.  If I suck in my hardest I look just like I did this time of year...  one year ago.  I've gained a lot since then, and I rationalized to myself that it was for my tuba.  I needed to be in good enough health to move around.
Last year I remember being so afraid of getting sick.  I felt like there was a disease on my fingertips and I washed my hands many times a day to try to scrub it away.  This year I feel invincible- at least from germs...

I'm dissatisfied with myself.
I always am.
Today...  I had breakfast, dinner, and milk.  I feel like I ate too much.

Part of me wants to cling to someone else who is hurting.  Part of me wants to be the person that needs someone else because I'm hurting.
I've been hunched over a lot lately.  I feel like my back is being truncated.  Strange sensation it is to cower.

I'm getting better at writing and gaming and speaking.  I might have made someone cry today (happiness), but I'm not proud of what I have done.  In my mind I don't see anything I have accomplished.  All I know is that I am unimpressed.
I always am.


I hope that tonight I can catch myself dreaming...
Dreaming of a better day



stay beautiful

Master of the smile

I've had the realization so many times and I still don't know the words for it.

I'll be happy when I feel rejection.


When you let them, feelings seem to take over, the world ceases to be a world and becomes your feelings instead.  So for a while today I wasn't at work... I was rejected by another beautiful woman; one 4 years older than me; who saves lives and writes better than I.  I asked her for too much so she was forced to say no and I broke.
But when you act contrary to a feeling it goes away.
I answered the phone and suddenly I was talking to my job.  When I clocked out, I was clocked out.  I'm fed up with the real world...


Ice flew in the air and ice broke under his heavy boots on the ground.  He was on a thin sheet and could have fallen under, if it wasn't for the fact that the only thing below was more ice.  Somewhere under all the ice was black, he assumed it was water.  With a single crashing stomp he brought his foot down, hoping to surpass the granite-ice barrier.  The ice was too hard.
His foot cracked under the impact.
And he plunged into blood.
Black, icy, blood.


stay beautiful

Hours

We spend hours of a day thinking about what to do next.
There are hours spent doing things without thinking
and we sleep for hours.

Stay beautiful

The worst selection of mate

The happenings in life go as follows:

My English grade improved when I didn't show up to class all last week.  I have a B now.  For now.
I finished a book, and I'm about to finish the other.  I was proud I was able to sustain reading two books at once at a good pace.
Work, been doing a lot of it.  Money is so important in life.
Diet exercise... none at all.  Recently I had this phase where my parents would ask me at the end of every day what I ate all day.  I usually said something like "breakfast, carrots..."  or "breakfast, apple..."  Since then I've been eating a bit more.  Today I ate "breakfast, banana, broccoli, greek yogurt, meat, small potato and cookie"- hell, no wonder I'm so fat.  I ate 7 things.  Ew...

8-12 meals a day was a joke.  When I said that I used to consider breakfast alone 3-5 meals and whatever else, but people would always give me the funniest look when i said "I eat 8-12 meals a day"
haha jokes on you.
People believe the most obvious lies sometimes.


This girl.
I've been flirting with someone 4 years older than me.
Truth is.
She is so interesting...
I liked when she said to me "I'm sure the though has crossed your ind.  How to uncage a girl"
I get goosebumps when I read that.  Its so me.  I love trying to get into people's minds.  She is... impenetrable.
I want to get know her.
Doesn't hurt that she is pretty, or that the first things we talked about was dieting.
She loves someone else.  But that makes it even more fun for me...

You never want me to chase after you
Stay beautiful

I am my greatest art

I'm not alright.

Fine defines me, I walk day to day I work hour to hour and I even eat at meals.  I exercise enough, not too much, I think about school, I even review the information (but I'm still behind).  If you looked at me, evaluated my actions I'm fine.

The dark white of emptiness took my soul from me.
All I can think of is dark white.

Every day is dark white.


I'm not going to die for a long time, but from now until I die I foresee it.  Whiteness for eternity. 
Without color. I'm just like everyone else.

Its time... to darken the lens.
And stop being myself
Gotta be somebody else

stay beautiful

11

I hate November.

1.  It is cold in the morning, so you wear layers so you can survive; then in the middle of the day it get hot- maybe layers wasn't such a good idea.
2.  3rd lap of school.  Everything is finishing, but you have at least a month to go.
3.  Thanksgiving: worst holiday ever.
4.  Work gets hectic, its also the best month to work on a job application if you have no job (holiday hiring)
5.  Audition month.
6.  I ...


I don't like this game anymore.
I don't like any games.
I didn't want to do anything last night but wait.
Wait...

Oh well, I deserve to be used.  And I asked for it, even though I knew it would make me sick.

Last night, a friend in distress called me.  I told her I could hang with her until midnight.  So I picked her up, drove to nowhere, and stared through the moonroof at the stars.  She didn't look at the stars that long.  She kept looking at me.  I knew what she wanted.  It makes me sick.  Why can't you people say what you want?
I'm not afraid of throwing my life away.
I'm not afraid of throwing away my happiness, my health, my present.
I sort of gave her what she wanted, I made out for like a minute.  Makes me sick feeling.  I don't want to think about it.
Then i curled up in a ball.
She asked me if I was okay.
I asked her if she was okay.
She forgot about me and started talking about herself.

The way it should be.



stay beautiful

Unfaithful

I've been writing somewhere else.
 
 
stay beautiful

Last Night

Someone I lost contact with for now told my sister that I told her I was "afraid I was anorexic"


I said no such thing.  Its a sensitive topic.
And I'm not afraid if I am.
If I am, I want to be, and I don't want to.
I can't help what I am.
And I want to be myself.

Either way, I weigh too much, I eat too much, and I'm too damn good of a cook to be Anorexic.
It was easy enough to shrug off.
But the... concern she suddenly had about my eating habits...

There is a reason I don't like telling people I'm different.
I want to be myself,


Still waiting for you to pick up my calls artist...

Stay Beautiful

Waiting for the rain

Days have passed.
 
I finished a good book.
 
 
I also... binged.  I don't often binge, and even when I do...  a binge doesn't upset me so much.  I feel much better today.  I lifted my tuba, and could hardly lift it.  Unless it got heavier, that means i got weaker.  If I got weaker, I weigh less.  Sometimes I hate being a fat glob of muscle.  Plus, its so much easier to exert myself when I am weak.  I hate when I am so strong that I run for hours and I'm still strung on energy.
 
 
I've been thinking about calling F-F to get a date.  I was going to take her ice skating and then have a picnic at a park and maybe go ice skating again.  I would want to make the call for that tonight.
I am at work right now.
 
Yes, I get paid to update my blog through my email.
I get 2 paychecks tomorrow because... i forgot to pick up the one from last pay day- about 4 times.
meh.
money... I want more, but I don't mind getting it late.
 
There are some things money can't buy.
 
I'm trying for some of those.
 
 
 
I also... got so tired today that I was having hallucinations....
 
my boss walked in while I was doing this.  I minimized the window, and he actually did work on this computer for me; such a nice guy ya know.2623
lol.
I put in my code fogetting this was here.
anyways.  work needs to get done. 
 
 
stay beautiful

HI FOLLOWERS I KNOW YOU ARE THERE

Hey, sometimes I blog just cause I'm lonely.

Feel free to say hi.
I dunno you all.
and I'm scared of you.
but if you say hi first I don't have to be scared...



stay beautiful

Jerk

You are a jerk.  You really pulled the Invisible Pink Unicorn card?
You were just testing her.  You were trying...
You were trying to get her to HELP you.  Because no one else can get you to open up.
You never believed.
You only thought...

of yourself...
I thought of what was best at the time

And things have changed now.  Grades are the most important thing.
what are you afraid of.
Failing again...  I can't let myself fail again.
why are you wasting your time?
I'm hoping.  I'm hoping someone can help me.


Who are you talking to?
No one...



stay beautiful

A secret without a sphinx

I went on a run today and ran out of energy.
Understandable...

I had a few grapes, some strawberries and milk.  So I walked instead.  I don't remember how far I went... I kinda got dazed and couldn't keep track of what lap I was on.  But it was either 2 or 3 laps- (4 or 6 miles) and I run to the trail I run and that is 5 miles for there and back.
I don't like actually calculating these things.
Its just good to know that I don't give my body all the energy it needs.  So its going to have to cut out some of my fat.  Good.
I was about to cut myself anyways.  I don't know.  Just been tempted.  Its been on my mind a lot.
So I accidentally got my arm messed up.  It looks like I went at it with a knife (and cut really shallow).  This was caused by big wood tables that I carried around as a volunteer.  I helped set-up and clean up.

I need to go to a university.  By that... I mean I really want to.  Its so wonderful how much you have to walk, how many people there are that are my age, and how in depth the classes are.  I want that so much.

But I don't have the GPA.
I have Cs.  I have Cs...
Maybe worse if I don't do work right now.

I want to go away.


Maybe this... is why I want to cut so bad.
Its just so frustrating.  Why?
Why can't I do well?

What is it about me that I can't do anything right?

stay beautiful

Dear Miss Strickland

You had two questions for me.  This is them:

1)  Do you ENJOY being offensive?  You CAN help it.

2)  If you are sorry for the title, why did you not just change it before sending the document?

 

The best Defense is a good offense.

I am inferior to all the writers that we read of.  I am less successful than all of them, and I don't see myself going anywhere in the future.  When I criticize literature I am aware that my standing as a student with a low GPA means that I will never get published, recognized, or attain the same level of education that they have already had.  And when I read their writing I ask myself 'what makes you so special?'

I could do that...

 

I'm missing the point.

I know I am flawed.
I'm bitter because of it.

Strangely enough, I can isolate this feeling so that it only comes out when the grade matters.  If we to discuss a story without any reference to giving me points then I could actually talk how you want me to.

I will not ignore the institutions.  You can tell me to ignore the institutions because you don't like my behavior, but I can't ignore them.

 

I am barred from going to the school I want.  The only physical barrier preventing admission to where I want to be is a GPA.

I'm sick with anger because I can't be what I want, even though what I want to be is useful.

I'm sick with self loathing because it is my fault I haven't had the grades.  I have tried but

I hate the system because I can't do it.  All my life I have tried changing myself so that I can abide by their rules and I can jump through their hoops.  But do you know how wretching it is to change a person?

 

It breaks my heart. 

And it never crossed my mind to change the title

(I turned in an essay with the title READMYSHIT.doc)

stay beautiful

T

So uh... I missed yesterday.  I should have blogged then.

I've also already said most of what has been going on at least once.  I don't like blogging about what I talk to people about.


So lately I've been trying a little more.
I've been thinking too about what I need to do to get out of here.
And my dreams feel so real even though I know they aren't getting any closer.
I'm not going to make it out of here soon.

In fact... at this point I don't have the same motivation.
I'm falling more than behind.


PS: I'm very creepy.  I look at myself and what I'm doing.  I talk to girls that I don't know, that are younger than me, encouraging them, complimenting them, joking with them, one could even say flirting.  I'm not looking for a relationship.  I may never want a relationship again.  But I do want to have an open house, and I would like to receive guests as often as possible.  Something even more creep than my actions now are my dreams that later I will be available to host a safe place for people that age, with those problems.  Some people never see their dreams come true.


Stay beautiful

Magic

I showed one of my friends how to ask for a girl's phone number.
I have to say, it is people from prettythin and prettyalone that have built my confidence enough so I can talk to beautiful people.  You are all so beautiful.  I miss you all the time.

I skipped class today.
I'm really afraid of failing, but I felt like I couldn't think straight.  I was reading my book, but I couldn't think while reading.  My normal reading experience is extraordinary, while my eyes find the words my mind traces the imagery and scenery.  Sometimes I even see the events taking place, or I will change them in my mind.  Of course to continue I have to reread the words to make sure I understand what is really going on in the story.  This is why I like Epics, they have some of the richest settings and keep me from deviating too much from the story.  Before I skipped class I was reading, and there was nothing but words.  My head physically hurt and I tried to read but all I got was words.

I couldn't have concentrated in class either.  In fact, for those classes I did show up to, my focus was far lower than regular.  I'm becoming a failure.


I had to nap.  Still things are going wrong.  But some things are resolving.  I have to say that getting that girl's number (I failed to mention this, but my friend has a crush on this girl) boosted the experience of today.  She is pretty, but I should realize that there are people in the world who's lives I don't belong in.
Knowing her will be a pleasant experience for me.

I don't see myself being more than I am now.

I feel like I have hit a wall.

I feel like I can't get better.

I can't do what I strive to do each day.

Each day I learn, I forget something else.

And I don't know enough to know what I must retain for life.

I don't know enough to retain anything for life.

I'm getting weaker and weaker each day.

I can't stand it.

Because of this... I dislike what I am.

I must change

stay beautiful

As it is

I wish men would hug.
I can tell my friends that something is wrong, that i feel down or life is shit.  But they will just say they don't know what to do.  We might talk a few words, but then they will move on with something like "wanna play video games?"

I wish guys hugged each other when things went wrong.

Even in my own mind, when I feel like I could use a hug, I feel like it is wrong to hug another male.  I might be asking him something that will make him uncomfortable, or he won't understand that what I want is a comfortable hug.  Not some slap on the back bro move.  A genuine hug offered by a gentleman.

Forgive me... I'm tired.  It is midday and I can't think.
I want to give up.
But I have already given up.

Reality is just another thing that my mind can't hold right now.


I really need to see the universe as it is.


stay beautiful

I have nothing else to say

I think I shall isolate myself in my room.  Its just so hard to focus right now.  I don't even want to think about what needs to be done.

The only clear thought seems to be how fat I am.  I don't understand how everything else is so difficult to process, and the one thing that makes sense is my deformity.
Why?

stay beautiful

Circadian beast

Its the least wonderful time of the year.
I mean... I'm starting to fail school.  I SEE IT.
Its just going full speed.  So far I have missed nothing.
If I don't write 5 pages tonight I miss that.  And right now that is half my grade.
If I don't do 3 pages of math tomorrow I miss that.  And that would be a sizable chunk that I can't afford to lose.
If I don't kick myself in the butt by this weekend doing 4 sections of studying on brain structures and sleep patterns... well I'm screwed.

And you know what I've been doing.  For the past hour I have been shuffling cards.
Yeah... who needs therapy?  This makes me happy.


Not.


I'm so unintelligent.
Need to sleep, but first, crank up the words.  5 pages tonight!

PS Circadian beast would make a sick magic card... it would be a tough blue creature with some horrible drawback, reminding me of phantom beast right now.
and I'm a dweeb

stay beautiful

Infect

I have time...

And I spend it doing nothing.  Well, I've been obsessing over Magic cards.  Scars of Mirridon came out.  Its my new thing.
I should really avoid it...
Really should...


But its on my mind, because there are so many things I would rather not think about.
I'm failing in school.
It drives me crazy. 

I guess thats all I want to talk about.

Dear Bittersweet and you

Dear Two people I don't know

You aren't alive.  No, you are.  Yes.  I don't know.  Exactly.  I care too much... I could say I don't care, but that is what everyone else says.  No... I care too much about you.  Guess what?  you're a stranger.
You remind me so much of her.  The things she used to do to herself, you do that too.  I'm not grossed out, in fact... it reminds me of all the good moments and I miss her again.  I miss you too.
Do you hear that?  Someone misses you.

I've ignored you.
I haven't even met you, but you already sound perfect.
Bittersweet.
Its the word for something good and bad.  You're going to be bittersweet to me here from now on.
Bittersweet, I want to get to know you so badly.  I want to be able to see you in person.  But I won't.


Why did you write this?
Lonely.  Still.
No... You aren't lonely.  STOP LYING TO ME!
fine, I'll tell you the truth...
I have been wasting time.  I hate wasting time.  I have been ignoring you, and ignoring you and ignoring you.  I have been failing because you make me great.  I eat food because I tell myself it will help you.  Do you?
I eat because I am weak.
I don't feel weak.

You are blind, and you are afraid of being blind.  What does that make you?


stay beautiful

Choice

Wow... touchy are we?
A little on the edge perhaps?  Getting angry isn't your usual response to anything.  You are very impulsive right now...  Its like you can't control yourself.
Fuck you.
Touchy touchy...
I lost patience.
I don't see why you should ever lose patience.  Or why that should make you so irritable.  What insignificant qualms do you posses?
I feel alone.  Betrayed.  Like I wasted my time.  Like I was depending on people and they couldn't help me.  Again.
Again?
Yes.  Again.
There is your problem...  You are stuck in the past... You are not angry at those that are causing you trouble now, but all of those that have betrayed you over your entire lifetime.  You should understand this is foolish.  Anger will not help you.
I thought anger was your tool.
It is...
Just like you are



Stay Beautiful

Neverwrong

I can't be part of anything good.
When you say that I do good deeds I tell myself on the inside I don't.  And I can't explain this.  Although it seems to me to be a defense mechanism against arrogance
Gah... When am I going to start saying things?

A long time ago when I was very hopeful I used to have a unique attitude to all things.  I used to think that it was my responsibility to try the impossible.  If someone said it couldn't be done and I wanted it, I would try for it.  I would do it, and hopefully they would watch me.  Because then they could do it.  Watch and learn...
I learned a lot of things myself by watching.  I learned how to scale streetlamps I learned how to run 5 miles.  I learned all kinds of sports.  I learned my instrument that way.  In those days I didn't think i was invincible, but it felt like I was.
I meet someone.  Someone especially beautiful.  Who I had a supernatural attraction to.
She called me arrogant.

The first time I didn't understand.  Arrogant wasn't a word in my vocabulary.  NO ONE was arrogant.  They were teaching me how to get better.  I admired those that showed off.  I loved them for they made me who I was.
Then I realized something.
Arrogant also meant isolated.  Arrogant also meant that she hated me for what I was.

And that broke me.


This is a message to all of you.  If you are arrogant you will be lost, but if you are not arrogant then you will never be found.

Stay beautiful

Aencephaly

I don't know what to call this.
 
I'm lightheaded.  Have had 3 meals today. 
I ve been trying to stick to an 8-12 meal diet, where 1 meal equals a 'meal' in my mind.  I've been undershooting a lot more than overshooting.  Weird.
 
Today I felt sadness.  Its been a long time.  And what me sad?  I lost hours at work.
Money...
I no longer feel it anymore.  I could use the free time.  And my work cut my hours because my work ethic sucked for a closing shift and I left the store messy.  I'm closing that same store now (doing my job?  Kinda, I have just enough flexibility that this is semi-allowed) and they seem to be checking on me.  But I always am paranoid.  I'm doing good deeds right now that I hope I don't get recognized for.  I just want to forget them all and sleep.  Thats what is so great about sadness, it makes you sleepy enough to drift away.
 
I have a new friend in one of my classes.  I don't make friends often so this is alien.
someone is comming
 
or not...  going to the jewlers next door.
oh well, I get paid to do this.
 
 
I don't have much to say today/tonight/this evening.
 
Stay beautiful

Hyde-hidehidehidehidehide

I gave blood today.
But I want to give more...

I want to drain out, because the more blood I give the better it feels.  I feel like I'm awake for once.  And then after that feeling comes the immense wealth of fatigue.
I never get tired...
Its not fair.

I can't stand you when you complain.  I can't stand you when you rationalize.  I can only stand you when you are abstract, when you fail to make sense.  You are strongest when you aren't yourself.
Because I...
I am weak.

You are weak



I have been rereading Sophie's World.  Best book I could buy with $4.  I now own two copies of that book just because.
I want to bleed.

I don't know what is going through my head.  I'm a weakling when it comes to cutting and starving.  Its just... this weird restlessness.  I don't hear voices in my head, but I do feel the urges.  And I interpret those...
I don't know what I can believe.
I don't know. 
I want to be my impulses more than I want to be me...

Is there something wrong with that?



Stay Beautiful 

Sapian

Choice is an illusion...

You see, when you know more about all the possible actions and outcomes, you come to realize that you only have one choice.  That the best answer is the only answer, because all other ways destroy you, kill you, or impoverish you.

The future is a walled room with no door and no windows.  Light comes from nowhere, illuminating the room.  You look around you, confirming to yourself that there is no way out.  No doors, no windows, four solid walls.  Then the walls begin drawing in.  The walls are coming closer.  And there isn't one thing you can do, because choice is an illusion.

There is no way out...





Stay Beautiful

Loosened screws

I must define everything.


gah...
I'm not here.

The words aren't comming yet.
Silence drags on...

Stay Beautiful

Sisyphus

There is something sacred about silence.
I have so much on my mind right now that I don't know what to say.  I feel like if I were to try to explain all of these words I would say too many things that are not true.  I'm trying to be true.

The only person it seems I can be true to is myself.
I am sorry me.  I have failed you.  I will fail you.  I am weak.  I am undeserving.  I am a waste.  I waste.  I grow fat and old.  Dear me, I am sorry.

I am tired in the mornings.  And at night I don't want to admit it, but I'm tired again.  I have one day left in my mind to do my homework.  It is the greatest demon in my life right now.
I don't know why, but I can't overcome thing.
Sisyphus. 


Sisyphus sisyphus sisyphus.
I want to break down and cry.  I let myself down, but I'm also letting all the people the depend on me down.
I need blood.

I need to bleed...
And I'm so tired tonight.
I shall sleep, and wake up tired in the morning.

Give me silence.
I may never sort though my words, but at least I won't tell lies.
The silent do not tell lies.
They let the truth happen...


Stay Beautiful

Undergraded

Some people have life so easy.

Some people...
Sorry for my absence, while some people I know have had people to clean up for them, I have been endlessly turning over the soil of my life and finding... its dirty.  I'm all mud and earth.
First off, I haven't posted since my most recent of great sins.  I'm sorry, but that information might just be left out of here.  It made me sick.
I am sick.
My mind is sick.
People call the way I think sick.
No matter.

Those people have life so easy...  They should try harder.  I'm always striving for something.  Right now, its the grades.  Grinding my head against stone, making cornmeal with my poor intelligence and selling it for minimal wares.  I don't know much, but I try to learn.

By the way... as an aside I would like to mention how much I distrust the phrase "I know"
I have been trying to catch myself, if I ever want to say "I know" I stop.  Because do I know?  And also, most of the time you say "I know" in response to a mistake.  You should be apologizing, not stubbornly acknowledging that YOU KNOW.
Chances are you didn't know, and it doesn't make a difference you know now.  All you are doing is showing what you could have been if you only tried harder. 
Try harder...
Trying...

I'm trying to learn, but somehow even though I am the student with the most participation in the lectures, the student that can demonstrate superior knowledge on the subject... somehow I miss things on the exam.  I don't mess up on a large scale, but I mess up enough that I get 87% or 90%.  And "I KNOW" this shit.
Or maybe I don't.
And I shouldn't assert that I do.
I just frustrated myself by saying I knew...
I guess...
I guess I don't deserve the grade.
Its just been so much work
and I wish something came out of it.

I try.


Some people have life so easy
It makes me wonder
Do they try>?



Stay Beautiful

Second Chances

Wanna know whats funny?  I thought I wasn't eating disordered anymore.
I unintentionally have been living off of little food and losing weight.  I just noticed it today when a friend told me I lost weight.  I kept thinking its because I decided to wear a shirt that shows my collarbone today...
But now I feel it.  I'm on my low.  You know... when your weight fluctuates and you are lighter... I'm there now.  Been living off of 2 fuji apples, water, and plenty of stress every day for about a week.
I'm low on energy.

Weird how I can't escape it.
I don't care, because its part of me.  It has been for a long time.
Just... tired.  Lots of headaches.  I'm not hungry even when i haven't eaten.
I know people will think there is something wrong with me.  Gah... its so annoying because I'm so healthy.

I haven't been able to work out forrealz yet.  Its eating at me.
Eating... haha.
God I'm funny.

I love being messed up


Stay Beautiful

Ignonimy

I'm not sure what is going on.  But I learned this new word: Ignominy

The way I understand it... its like being a public shame because you are so useless/dumb/vile.  Something like that...  I will look it up again later... I always have to be right...
I call myself this word without even understanding it.

Stay beautiful

I say I want to die

I want to stop helping people.  I want to stop making people smile.  I want to stop giving to others.  I want to go away.  I want to be alone in a corner for about a week.  And then I want to get kicked back into shape so I can live life for a few months again.
I say I want to die... or the voice in my head says I want to die.  But do I mean it?
Is dying easy?  Because the voice tells me to die like it is easy.  Like I could simply die whenever.

It takes some dying... to feel alive.



ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Where did this mess come from!
I NEED TO CLEAN.
sorry got to go.


stay beautiful

Millstone

Rarefied millstone.
I don't even know my own words.  I just remember them.  Sorry.  This post is going to be confusing.
Its all because I've been such a mystery.
And not many people talk to me.
Yet I've been talking a lot more
Just to myself
or the other guy... the one I pretend to be.

I don't mind being kind.
But I would rather get work done.  Get my work done.  Before I help you with yours.  I need a 2 year dream.
I need something I can do in 2 years.  So I can have a place.
And I can provide.
Not going to lie.  I just want a house.
I want a house so I can shelter people.
First Rosie.
Gosh... Appendix, you are invited.  I'd pay for your plane ticket if I could.  If I had a house and I couldn't afford your ticket... well I'd borrow money to get you here.  I'd help you die the easy way, I mean, you always talk about dying.  I'd just want to help ya know?
Yeah... you're cool.
Forserious... I like that word.
Forrealz: I also made it up.
Forwhys?
I dunno.

Millstones.  When I think of them I think of corn underneath rock being ground into powder becoming less than cornmeal.  Mush mush.  Mush mush.
Who would want to eat that?


Oh yes... the protein diet.  Has been going well.
How do people not have food in their houses?
oh... and I'm helping a friend be homeless, because right now (runonsentence approaching) she is in a relationship with a guy, his girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend, killed herself in his room, and then he got together with this friend of mine 9 days later, so then like I'm like. woah, if my gf killed herself I'd be like 2 weeks before I hookup again right?  Well, he is schizo so its okay, but really he is a human, we are all human, don't judge the guy, so I won't.  Then he like does stuff like drugs her and feels her up when she sleeps and I'm like, get out, forserious, I'll help you become homeless, I'll drive you to a shelter (by the way, I might want to volunteer at one of those just for love- and by that I mean... because butterfly would want me to) and like bring your stuff with you, so its a good idea and it might happen.  Yeah.  Lifesgood.
Don't know why, but I hate being stuck where I am.  Like reality am.
I hate being stuck where I really am.
I hate having to be here when I am here.
Do you get it?

Why does language...
Have to be so difficult to...
use.


screw life.
Stay beautiful

Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude... there is a lot of that going on within me.
For those of you that do not know the definition of the word, it is pleasure gained by malicious and intentional misfortune given to others.  So... if you really like throwing trash at people or causing them to cheat on their intimate other...  You have Schadenfreude.

Then I got paid for volunteer tutoring.
I got paid for volunteer work!  By people that don't have the money to pay me for it!  What the What?

But I do have a talent for tutoring.  My method went that I would have them run through the homework telling me if they understood every question.  If there was one part that they didn't know, I would have them move on to the next question without even trying the one they didn't know.  Then...  after the tutor got frustrated at how little they knew, I started teaching.  And even then, I don't lecture... I have them figure it out, or I tell stories.  I'm good at tutoring...

Yet I feel part of the reason I have been paid is something to deal with how the parent of the girl I am tutoring might find me attractive?  Or something of a good match, or a good person to be in a relationship with.
If you knew how much of snake I am...

I am simply immoral.  I have seduced on three occasions girls in relationships because... I don't know.  Because I didn't really want them to cheat, and I didn't want anything from them.  I didn't want them to break up, I didn't want them to get together with me, I didn't want their body for selfish sexual pleasure.  I haven't even had selfish sexual pleasure and neither do I want to; not yet.  And not for a while...
I encourage habits terrible for the health, like smoking, fasting, and exercising until you break.  If you can do all three at the same time: I am very much attracted to you.  That doesn't mean I want much of anything from you, but I attracted...
I don't want things from people, but I gain pleasure at seeing them annoyed, impoverished, or injured.  In some of the most serious situations I have almost found myself laughing aloud at people in terrible pain.  I will still try to help, and try to empathize.  I just... have a backwards reaction to suffering sometimes.  Sadness... is my favorite emotion.
So if you knew, you would know to stay away.

I have more flaws.
I stare.
I try to smell people to see if I can recognize their scent.  The explanation about that... is another story.

I also have no future.
And I am a failure at simply being what I am.

But I don't seem to care that much
about anything but beauty



Stay Beautiful

Who needs a cure?

I always ask questions.
But what I don't know... is what do I want to hear...


I will say I am useless.  When i am alone no one answers, the statement settles in.  When someone is there, they tell me I am not.  They tell me I am not worthless.  Nothing happens.  I feel the same.
I wonder...  what do I want to hear?  What would make me believe that I am not useless.  What could prove to me that I have worth?

Yet I know I am blessed.  I am blessed with friends.  Friends like my best friend, who is goofy, fun, and looks up to me as an older brother, even though I am only about a month older.  Friends like Broken, Appendix, Blowfish, Butterfly, redrat, savetherainbows, and Alicia.  Friends that I talk to about everything bothering me.  Everything in me that other people might not accept.  Friends that don't cure you.
And yet, sometimes we become more than friends.  Yet I don't know what to call that.

Humans are sexual by nature... For some reason I have always had difficulty showing sexual desire, even having it.  I want my body to be a perfect machine.  I want to look desirable and I want to be desired.  I want to feel desire myself.  There are some things I don't feel.  Or I don't feel consistently.
All feelings aren't very consistent.
Truth is what stands the test of experience.

I shall see.

Poison oak...  haha.  Yes.  It really sucks when you get it on your face.  And everywhere else sucks too, but on your face, you can't necessarily hide it.  Most people (my work included) might get offended or put off balance if I wore a mask.
I wish I could hide how ugly I am in my physical appearance like I can hide how ugly I am on the inside.
Ugly ugly ugly.
I'm very ugly.

beauty...  Beauty matters more to me than most things.  Money is the only thing I might trade for beauty.  A large sum of money is worth more than my life.  My life... isn't worth much money to begin with.

I wonder... if the world knew how ugly I was, how worthless I was... what would do to me?  Where would they put me?  Or would they leave me the same... so that I could telling myself I was useless and worthless and people around me could tell me I'm not if they are listening.  And I'll keep asking myself then:
What do I really want to hear?


Stay Beautiful

Also

I have poison Oak on my face
I wonder if poison oak can spread to your eyes...

Its very close...


Stay Beautiful

PT down? Nothing to read? Well, big post here!

Lets talk about life.

Yesterday my car broke down 4 times.  Seemed okay because it broke down on less traveled roads, it broke down in the parking lot at school (so I wasn't too late to class) and it will only cost about $500 to fix today.  Yay.
Still, even though I didn't have work that day, I also didn't have time to walk home twice.  I had no phone on me...  I don't know why the day my car didn't work was the day I left my phone on the charger at home.
So like... people have been calling me... and I haven't been there for them.

I can't.
I have homework.
I did not have time to walk home twice.  And not have my phone twice?  What the heck myself!  Why can't you do stuff right.
This morning I woke up and have been doing homework.  I wish I had an extra 6 hours that I spent walking yesterday.  I actually thought it might be cool if I emailed a teacher asking for an extra day.  I could use that...

I might just not sleep... I could always do that...
Besides...
I took a run 2 days ago.  There was a girl that kept up with me.  I wanted to ask for her number so she could run with me again.  Because... no one keeps up with me.  She was also remarkably pretty.  But so young... She looked so young.  Not only that, but she was half my size.  I'm fucking huge.

Workouts have been hard to fit in.  I just work and school all the time.  Yet I somehow waste a lot of time online doing NOTHING.  Not even blogging.  I just do nothing.
If I took that out I would be able to do more.

School.
It hasn't left my mind.
But I don't know if I will make it.  I have never done well in school.  And I don't see myself doing well this time either.  Why am I so bad at this?


I also have to do traffic school.
I'm sorry for the guys fixing my car, they have to take the engine out, and its a V8.  Which is like 100lbs or something.  So lame...  oh well, I'll pay them money and not even complain about the price.  I should bake them cookies!


I also want to get back into Magic The Gathering... the trading card game.  It would be cool.
I've been drawing.  I want to show you people what it looks like.  Its all notes.  But its how I take notes on stuff, and its interesting stuff.  No one else would see it as notes.  But I see the lessons and lectures inside the art.


Is prettythin seriously down?  Why?  Forserious?

What else is there...?  Oh yeah... I do volunteer tutoring.  I missed that because of car trouble yesterday.  And didn't call them yet on why I wasn't there...  whoops.
Then I have this youth symphony that requested I play tuba for them.  I replied this morning because it is the first time I have had the time to do that.  I need to tell my work when the performance dates are.
I have about 10 pages of math homework due tomorrow because I have been doing my 5 pages of English homework due today instead.
I have work today.
I bought glucose tablets because I miss my butterfly.  Who isn't my butterfly.  But butterfly alone sounds like such a general nickname.  Butterfly is my personal nickname for her.
AND...
I have an epic trip planned for Labor Day weekend.  hopefully cars don't break down and homework doesn't pile up so high in front of the car that when I drive though it the car breaks down.

All this life...
Good thing I'm fat.  Otherwise I'd complain about being too small for it all.
I hate being so huge.
Stay beautiful

Nothing is good enough, Don't take it personally

My diet has changed...  I have mentioned this before, but let me state things clearer.

Everyone once and a while I still get hungry just to remember what it feels like, but I'm eating more like a cow does right now.
A cow that indulges on protein.
Either way, I have been 'grazing' eating small portions through the day, with a focus on protein.  But I don't like meat much, its not worth the protein and I'm more comfortable eating as vegetarian as I can.  All this protein makes the world feel different.
First, I feel wide.  I look in the mirror and I try on pants and I fit them the same.  But I feel wide...  ew.  I just did 100 push-ups in one rep.  I usually did 50 in the past.  But its different when I push myself.  I don't get dizzy like I used to, I might get tired, but not dizzy, not disoriented.  I feel like I have been working harder than I have to in the past.  And I don't care.  I liked it that way.
hm...  I can't remember all the other strange things going on.
I think I feel hungry more often.  But that's just my body saying 'food food food'.  Sometimes it is easier when you eat less to ignore that.

Why?
Because I plan to surprise some people.  I plan to be so strong that Blue Devils can't say no to me.  Then the $100 I spent for auditions won't be wasted. 
Still, I feel like I'm eating the house.

Balancing work, school, and myself.  School always seems to slip off the scale...

Stay Beautiful

Dear Sweet Twinkie

You dislike me.
You might even feel threatened by me.
Your girlfriend has talked about me like I was a friend...  I was much less than that.  I was sort of a misfit.  Isolated.  Awkward.  Wrong.
Sort like the monster I am today.  So there is no need to feel threatened by me.  She wouldn't leave you for me.  And I would do nothing beyond a modest admiration of her beauty.
I am confused...  You should see that I try.  I put effort through.  I deserve a little recognition.  But recognition... I don't ask, I don't recieve.  Instead I have to suffer your negative opinion.  I respected you.  I might refer to you as sweet twinkie here, but to me that is not who you are.  You are a leader, a teacher, and you are hard on people because you know you can make them better.  You made me better, and you didn't want to.  You disliked me enough to not care for me as you do the rest.
I am in a situation, that you have been in.  I have already made my decision.  Where you choose to lead people in an organization small and barely noticable I will be the bottom of the ladder in an organization with a reputation.  I have much of the same attitude that you did; the attitude that held you from the Blue Devils.  But I will be there in Audition camp, and when I get my spot I won't refuse it.
Sadly, I still feel an obligation to the organization you now teach at in the summers.  I will be seeing you in the future.  And I will be seeing your girlfriend too.
This all reminds me...  I'm quite worthless...
 
 
 
Stay Beautiful

Ironic

I got a raise...

Dear Work: FUCK YOU

I'm the employee that takes the short straw.  Yeah, I take your shit three hour shifts and I work your weekends, and I work double shifts on the worst days of the week.  I'm ALWAYS there when you call for me to be.  I'm the number one back-up.  I stand up for you.  I talk you up.  I play your game, I DO MY COWORKER'S SHIT because they leave it behind for me.  They noticed I clean shit up, and they take advantage of me.  You know what?  THATS WHAT!
 
Stop sending me emails about things I already know.
And don't tell me to stop working because my poison oak is some serious problem WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO WORK,  IN FACT YOU SAID THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE TO COVER THIS FUCKING SHIFT.
Damn...
serious?
Oh, and then you called me and gave me a 30 minute lecture about how I need to notify you about shit.  I was laughing at you on the other end of the line.  I hate phone conversations.
 
Anyways...  hi beautiful readers...
 
 
 
Stay Beautiful

Double Shift

180 pounds...
  I don't know why, but I suddenly thought "what if I ever got to 180 pounds"
Without hesitation I heard "kill myself" in my thoughts.  Crazy conviction.  I don't think i would kill myself.  I could lose weight if I got there.  But I'm afraid of ever getting there.

Been pulling the short straw at work.  erg.  Oh well.  Someone has to work.  Turns out I work 2 separate shifts today at two different locations.  Wonderful.  Already did my morning shift.

I feel bad about not contacting some people I should or would like to talk to.
Hi Appendix!  I know you'll read it sometime.

I have nothing to say.  So why talk to people.

I have been chattering away to random people...  I'm going to stop that.
I am always in control.


I also feel like I should be working on something.  So I will go practice scales for realz.  I plan to practice or observe sign language today.  Maybe I'll meet a cool deaf person.  But no one will be like her...

Stay Beautiful

hehe

I just tried on my first pair of skinny jeans, the size I thought I was...  Its a little loose.


Stay Beautiful

Know what you don't know

I have been giving an effort to talk to people...  and no one wants to talk to me.
 
I feel so alone.
I should just talk to the people that have already accepted me.
All 7 of them...
 
Yet it always feels like zero because...
Because I don't know them.

Dear Poison Oak:

I hate you. It hurts, but at the same time I enjoy this game, and I want you to come back some other time.

You make feel wanted. The itch burns so bad, and although I refuse and refuse, you continue to itch.
You are stronger than me. I need Calamine lotion to fight you off, and even so, you still persist, you still itch.
I never give you what you want.
You want me so much.
I like being wanted...

Dear Poison Oak,
I want you to go away but I want you to stay. I can't make up my mind if I like you or I hate you. You don't let me ignore you, and while it might be distracting... it is better than a lot of other things in life.
Poison Oak, you aren't a person so I don't have be nice to you. I don't have to consider what your feelings are. I can do whatever I want with you and then throw you away.
I haven't scratched you.
I'm just waiting...

Dear Poison Oak:
Go away.



Stay Beautiful

Days

I really don't want to be arrogant...

I just step from world to world so easily.
I suddenly just was like: oh, I'm going to eat lots of protein and do lots of exercise and work and school. And suddenly its that easy for a week (or I mean 4 days, but that is close enough to a week).
I really think its the fact that I find it so hard to care about anything. "You really should eat" okay... easy.
Its like... I don't even care about it when I starve, I don't care about it when I eat. I sometimes don't see the point of eating, and sometimes don't see the point in starving.
I mean... you don't need food for a whole day, or two, and I didn't quite do three yet because I had some liquid calories and fruit on my longest no food at all fast, but I'm quite sure three is possible.

What I really like is when it hurts.
I don't know why, but its like pain makes me happy, and the sound of loneliness makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Why is my life always so easy?
Not everything is perfect. I have English junk to do today, but I have no book because I am waiting for it to show up in the mail. The truth is, I don't care that much. I want to tell myself I will do it... But not without a book.
Would be like writing an essay in a classroom without paper when you aren't allowed to leave class.
hm...

I sometimes check up on random people I think highly of just to see how they are. RiffRaff, you might know who he is. Yeah, I looked him up. He was a really nice guy. His rehab will pass in time; what I hope for him is that he finds the love he is looking for one day. Because I think he genuinely deserves someone.

I keep forgetting everything I want to do. But I'm running at my 50%.
Some people don't understand; no matter how good you are, it isn't good enough...
I write for the people that do know what it feels like.



Stay Beautiful

I don't want to

Sorry for not updating.
Haven't been running
I have been getting really tired lately.
I feel like I'm going to get fat from fuji apples and blueberries.
I haven't been breathing through my nose...  I have to empty it too often to effectively use it.
Work.  Done lots of work.  8 hour shifts.  But what I need is to run still.
Haven't been running
\
Birthday is tomorrow.
Maybe today will be different.
I really suck at trombone.  Slide positions...
School starts soon!  Yay.
I wake up easy, but then I have nothing to do.  So then I sleep again.
I will find a way to motivate myself...
 
 
Stay Beautiful

This is what I looked like in drum corps.

On the road

6 more miles.
Because of dinner.

I like going out. Even if my feet hurt for now. They won't hurt tomorrow morning.

I miss my instrument. I mean my brass instruments. Tuba, trombone... Oh well, tomorrow I'll find some time for music.

Tomorrow my friend is going to crash my house at 8am. I am going to be using a lot of energy tomorrow. I better catch some sleep.


Stay Beautiful

Hope this works

I haven't done mobile blogging in a while.  If I do it then I am probably at work or in any other situation I need to pretend I am sending an email to somebody.  Little do they know I am writing to you.
 
Physically things have changed.  My throat got scratchy.  My eyelids heavy.  My muslces are getting fatigue.  And its getting harder to try.  Getting hungrier.
I'm starting to look better.
Even if I do "look dead tired."  I'll get over it.
I mean... I'll get to it.
It.
 
I've been thinking about it.  How it doesn't move, but it feels like when you should be getting closer because you have made progress... it feels farther.  It makes no sense, but you want it.  You work to earn it.  You love it.
 
And you can't live with it.  And it hurts.
 
But thats all it is.
 
You can't stop.
And I don't know why.
It sounds so easy.
But it is not.
 
 
At work... I haven't been here for a while.  I have a lot of work this week.
Before work I ran 8 miles.
Work seems to have less work than I remember.  But I just got here.  There is more waiting for me.  Sometimes I wonder what kind of employee I would be if I wasn't so dizzy.  Then again, I make a remarkably coordinated dizzy person.  I like hunger highs, and mixing them with endophins...  hehe.
Back to work.
 
 
Stay Beautiful