Who needs a cure?

I always ask questions.
But what I don't know... is what do I want to hear...


I will say I am useless.  When i am alone no one answers, the statement settles in.  When someone is there, they tell me I am not.  They tell me I am not worthless.  Nothing happens.  I feel the same.
I wonder...  what do I want to hear?  What would make me believe that I am not useless.  What could prove to me that I have worth?

Yet I know I am blessed.  I am blessed with friends.  Friends like my best friend, who is goofy, fun, and looks up to me as an older brother, even though I am only about a month older.  Friends like Broken, Appendix, Blowfish, Butterfly, redrat, savetherainbows, and Alicia.  Friends that I talk to about everything bothering me.  Everything in me that other people might not accept.  Friends that don't cure you.
And yet, sometimes we become more than friends.  Yet I don't know what to call that.

Humans are sexual by nature... For some reason I have always had difficulty showing sexual desire, even having it.  I want my body to be a perfect machine.  I want to look desirable and I want to be desired.  I want to feel desire myself.  There are some things I don't feel.  Or I don't feel consistently.
All feelings aren't very consistent.
Truth is what stands the test of experience.

I shall see.

Poison oak...  haha.  Yes.  It really sucks when you get it on your face.  And everywhere else sucks too, but on your face, you can't necessarily hide it.  Most people (my work included) might get offended or put off balance if I wore a mask.
I wish I could hide how ugly I am in my physical appearance like I can hide how ugly I am on the inside.
Ugly ugly ugly.
I'm very ugly.

beauty...  Beauty matters more to me than most things.  Money is the only thing I might trade for beauty.  A large sum of money is worth more than my life.  My life... isn't worth much money to begin with.

I wonder... if the world knew how ugly I was, how worthless I was... what would do to me?  Where would they put me?  Or would they leave me the same... so that I could telling myself I was useless and worthless and people around me could tell me I'm not if they are listening.  And I'll keep asking myself then:
What do I really want to hear?


Stay Beautiful