Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude... there is a lot of that going on within me.
For those of you that do not know the definition of the word, it is pleasure gained by malicious and intentional misfortune given to others.  So... if you really like throwing trash at people or causing them to cheat on their intimate other...  You have Schadenfreude.

Then I got paid for volunteer tutoring.
I got paid for volunteer work!  By people that don't have the money to pay me for it!  What the What?

But I do have a talent for tutoring.  My method went that I would have them run through the homework telling me if they understood every question.  If there was one part that they didn't know, I would have them move on to the next question without even trying the one they didn't know.  Then...  after the tutor got frustrated at how little they knew, I started teaching.  And even then, I don't lecture... I have them figure it out, or I tell stories.  I'm good at tutoring...

Yet I feel part of the reason I have been paid is something to deal with how the parent of the girl I am tutoring might find me attractive?  Or something of a good match, or a good person to be in a relationship with.
If you knew how much of snake I am...

I am simply immoral.  I have seduced on three occasions girls in relationships because... I don't know.  Because I didn't really want them to cheat, and I didn't want anything from them.  I didn't want them to break up, I didn't want them to get together with me, I didn't want their body for selfish sexual pleasure.  I haven't even had selfish sexual pleasure and neither do I want to; not yet.  And not for a while...
I encourage habits terrible for the health, like smoking, fasting, and exercising until you break.  If you can do all three at the same time: I am very much attracted to you.  That doesn't mean I want much of anything from you, but I attracted...
I don't want things from people, but I gain pleasure at seeing them annoyed, impoverished, or injured.  In some of the most serious situations I have almost found myself laughing aloud at people in terrible pain.  I will still try to help, and try to empathize.  I just... have a backwards reaction to suffering sometimes.  Sadness... is my favorite emotion.
So if you knew, you would know to stay away.

I have more flaws.
I stare.
I try to smell people to see if I can recognize their scent.  The explanation about that... is another story.

I also have no future.
And I am a failure at simply being what I am.

But I don't seem to care that much
about anything but beauty



Stay Beautiful