Maybe if you posted once a month

I'm not trying

I guess I'm just hoping for something to turn up for me.
Not trying...
Not trying...

Thoughts are like water.
If you hold a glass half empty at first you don't feel the weight. But if you held that glass for entire day its weight would strain your arm. The same goes for these thoughts that strain my form.
How am I to ever love myself if I always hold these thoughts in my mind. How did they get there? Why can't I just pour them out?

There is a friend of a friend that I find interesting. Because she gets sad too. And while she has a boyfriend I'm not sure they talk about it. I don't think she talked about it with her previous boyfriend, and when it did come up that was why he left her. All of the friends that I had between me and her said she went crazy.
I guess thoughts can do that to a person. If you hold them long enough. If you are afraid of what might break when you drop them.
Or if they hurt.


My life has progressed to the point where I am completely turned off to alcohol. I don't even like it when others around me drink* (to get drunk). Because its idiotic.
The reason for people drinking is even dumber to me. I've asked a few people, and while this might not be true for all people every person I have asked says they drink for the same exact reason.
Freedom. To be the person they think they are. To gain the confidence to be someone they can't be when sober. To escape being boring and mundane.
And when I see them drink, then buzz, then flop around and get sick I ask if they accomplished what they set out to do.

In my opinion they didn't, but alcohol is a great deceiver.
When you drink it you think you can walk straight, but you can't even walk.
You think your flirting is so smooth, when you can't talk or type worth anything.
You think it makes you funny, when you have the coordination of a newborn.

Maybe I don't know how to enjoy life.
I don't care.
I'm not even living.

Its so easy to blame others...

Stay beautiful

My dying wish

I constantly want to die.

Even when I'm having a good time I want this to end.

And yet I have this competitive spirit that keeps me alive. I don't know what is wrong with me... Honestly I don't wAnt to be cured. I want the opposite. I want to feed and nurture my illness. I want the sadness to consume me. If I went deep enough I could feel lonely no matter what. I could have the perfect companion and I could watch them struggle to keep me above water when I would have no choice but to drown.

That would be some sweet revenge.

I'm so useless. I wish it were different. I'm trying to lock myself away so no one has to see me. Know me...

I don't feel like my secrets are safe during this time of the year.

No one know this yet: that I want to die.

But how long can I live like this; how sick can I get, before this cannot continue.

Stay beautiful

Rereading what I never finished

5 Mandarins today. That is my rations. At least I have food today... And tomorrow I tend to have nothing.
For the most part I try to eat; I'm just so afraid of food because it costs money and I don't have money.
If I could afford food...

I'd like nachos
Portabello mushrooms for every entree
I'd try this interesting pumkin ice cream recipe I found
I might feel alright about thanksgiving.

I hate thanksgiving.
I wish I could just eat popcorn and not worry about family or having to prepare something special.
Popcorn is probably one of my favorite foods. I mean I can afford the seeds, its easy to make and has practically no calories. I think the weight loss is some evidence of that, because I eat a whole bowl of popcorn sometimes andwhile my body feels like it has eaten I've probably consumed less calories than if i ate an apple.

Not totally sure on that though...

And yet microwave popcorn is a fear food.


I'm just not getting better...

I tried one of those organic soup cartons while i was sick. I didn't refrigerate it after opening and phooey it ruined the leftovers. I actually like those.

Hm... and by like I mean its one of those foods I want to eat.
Its weird... most of the time not wanting to eat, then sometimes wanting it. I'm pretty sure I think about food all the time, but sometimes I am in a look but don't touch mood.
Like now.


I need some progress.
I hate haircuts. That happened too.
Some people need to be happy to live. I just need things to do. I need work.

What I have now isn't good enough and i feel it.



stay beautiful

Whims

Alright so I'm looking quite a bit fragile. Like I'd love to show you, but you have to bear with me. The bones on my back are really showing. The rest of me looks fine honestly. If anything I look like I usually do; which is fit. 

So the short story of today is that I was asked for a survey what my height and weight are. And then, this is college so the people taking this survey weighed us to see how close we were to our guesses. I was 20 lbs off. I'm honestly at my lowest weight. I'm also dreaming cold, but I also ate all I care to for this night. I feel like I'm actually going to gain weight because I are a cliff bar and god those things are calories, but it's cool I could use a little weight. Not gonna freak about it, just Jesus I wanna stay away if I want to get eve lighter, which now that I am thinking about it would be pretty cool. I doubt with being over 6 feet tall I can ever skim close to 100 lbs but if I try I might get really close.

I digress do I?

Meh now I want to sleep

Stay beautiful

125 pounds 6 foot one

Apparently I am now my lowest weight

Dearest Leavers

I have a problem of never wanting to move on.
I miss her... In fact she might even come by sometime to read this.
Who? Well she deleted everything. I doubt she wants to be spoken of... or to.


Have you ever dreamt about something that could come true?
Those are the dreams that really stick with me.


What happened when reality turns up and things get the chance to get better, but then you don't take that chance. Will those be the new dreams?
I think I'm going to be stuck here for a while. That is why I need some money. Modest survival. Transportation. Warmth. I just need enough money for these things. I'll work out the rest with just a bit left over. Or I will... find something free to enjoy.
Or maybe another job.
Work doesn't tire me very much.
Its getting over the fears of applying that hurts the most. If I can just do it... I've applied... I just need to do the rest of the trials.

So many things at my back. Always. Right now these things make me feel like I stand alone, but when I am alone and have the time to myself my memories remind me that I used to have people. I used to talk with people I cared about.
I even talked to her once.
I still miss her words.


I'll just have to keep trying and maybe some new memory will come up to block the old one

Stay beautiful

What to name a Vlog?

If I could just do things right...

I should really organize this mess of Magic cards tonight.
My nose tingles.
Also how do you keep snot from running down your throat? I don't remember this being a problem before Tuesday, but since then its like my body has no idea how to do anything else with mucus. I try blowing my nose whenever I can...


I had to share a shift a work with my sister: that is we both were supposed to be working. I ended up doing everything and she slept in the back.
I tried to keep her awake, but she zoned me out because her body is always so sleep deprived that she just slept through it. And when our shift was over she luckily woke up.

Whats funny to me though... is she didn't sleep because she found a guy and hung out with him quite late last night.
And well... I've sort of found a girl and I can't tell her much about this girl because I don't know her enough yet. But I will try to know her.



Something that eludes me is whether people are giving signals or simply being friendly. Sammie said it was so nice to meet me because we share similar interests, and while the interests are indeed similar they aren't the same yet. But they will be, she wants me to teach her Magic- I have a collection of over 1 million cards- and I want her to encourage me to read/watch game of thrones. Or just be there with me while I watch the show... That would be nice.


I really do have some things to do. I need a second job. An actual job, since all I do now is fill hours.
Just I've got other things to focus on and... I've always been confused as to when the proper time to look for job is and how to time it with your application. I'll have to work it out. I think a 1-2 day timeline for every action.
1 day application
1 or 2 days to get in the store I apply to and find manager to talk to
1 or 2 days later persist
1 or 2 days later persist again.
Then wait.


Hmmmm...
That is probably coming on too strong, but I'd rather not be forgotten when it comes to this kind of thing.


Memories


Stay beautiful

Winggodbrother

I think I am bipolar.

Well my sister is officially diagnosed bipolar and on medication for it, but my life in one momentous night flashed in the other direction. Yeah my throat is a little scratchy and I'm still $600 in debt but I had the most excellent wingman of my life help with just talking to someone that might help me.

Not because she wants to or is specifically qualified for it; just because she motivates me and honestly made me happy tonight.

I'm a nerd and wingman is a nerd too. He has a girlfriend and I've been trying to give advice, because he asks for it, on how to connect with his girlfriend. And he tells me: dude you know what to do, if you just found a girl you wanted. I tell you what, tonight we are going to be playing magic and this how girl is going to come up and say "oh you play magic! That's so cool!" 

And I kid you not those were the first words out of her mouth.

Like... I'm considering making a vlog. Which requires confidence and a ton to talk about. Possibly even preparation to do it the way I want, but I'm ready. 

100 push-ups, even with this sick body so easy. I haven't worked out in ages.

Happiness is so so precious. I can even cure myself if I wanted to, but I'd rather just ride the energy of this happiness and continue to live off of no food. With the energy this gives me I can workout again (so far) and who knows I might get thinner.

I love this disease more than someone I just met.

But let's give her a chance, hopefully she gives me a chance, and I will try to do things right.

I could really use a friend like her. So whatever I can offer her I should give, because if I give and she gives our connection with bloom.

So I got her number tonight, I was thinking text her tomorrow (wingman said wait a whole day more, but I don't believe in any 48 hour or 3 day rules) and ask for to meet for coffee either at the place we met or another cafe dedicated to raising money to combat human sex trafficking or an afternoon lunch at a vegan cafe I am fond of. 

I just want to be a nice person is all.

Her name is Sammie

And this is all thanks to my wingman. Friends really can help you out of dark places.

Stay beautiful

Success, health, and death

I haven't eat on Tuesdays for weeks until now. Its been wake up at 6am get to work at 7:30 and then take a mile walk during my lunch break, ride my bike to a coffee shop and most likely not order anything, ride bike home, drive to another coffee shop and against maybe or maybe not order something. No caffeine at the later coffee shop.
So what maybe a lemonade? Yeah last time i had an Italian peach lemonade (carbonated lemonade)

I've forgotten to eat on some Mondays too...
I've for the most part given up on life altogether.
I'm in debt and for the most part I don't buy anything.
This 'job' i currently have is only Tuesdays. There aren't other hours available. I probably have some serious anxiety problems that prevent me from going out and applying for another job, but even if it were serious I'm pretty sure I'm stronger than it when i want to be.

Problem is...
I don't want to live.


Why was today the exception?
Well I was feeling especially sick with my body and my mind. I honestly didn't want to eat, whereas before I just didn't feel like putting through any effort.
I tend to fight better when the opposition is stronger. I've noticed that. I fail at easy things and get so close to succeeding at the difficult ones.

Honestly I don't even care about most of the 'important' things. There are other things more important to me. Completely out of reach yes, but still the forefront of my concern and therefore even though I have no interaction with what I am living for... it keeps me here.



I have to apologize about the previous post. Something that doesn't come across this blog much is that I have periods of sensitivity like everyone else. I'm not sure many readers would believe it if they only know me from this blog, but I'm known to have a sense of humor in the material world.
The point is I was being melodramatic. Eating really doesn't kill you, but dammit it hurt and I couldn't sleep for that night because eating, after such a long period of fasting, honestly was painful.


My head is still in a daze. I'm still coughing up air sometimes, but I will survive today.
I will be useless tomorrow.

I'm only alive because there are some things that still care about. Even though my success, future, and health aren't among those.


Stay beautiful

reality

This is why you don't just tell someone who hasn't been eating to just eat. It hurts. A lot.

Stay beautiful

I can't

I'm sore all over and cold. My head hurts and I haven't eaten in quite a while. I feel terrible, but more importantly I look that way. It's good to show weakness; and I want this. I want to hurt. 

I should... Push myself and see if I can make this worse.

Do you ever feel that the best thing that could happen to you would be to have an injury that hospitalizes you for a week or so? I wish... Something like that would happen to me.

Maybe it would be worth the pain

Stay beautiful

/endrant

I want to quit with the subtlety. I just want to crack.

I want to be far away from the people I know. I hate them. They hate me. I want to be useful. I don't care about being happy. I don't even need a good day, i just need to accomplish something. The only thing i care about is my body and I want to break that.

I want to be thin. I want to snap. I want to be brittle. I want to break.


What good is there in me? I can't focus and therefore I cant succeed. I can't beg for help. I can't ask for what I need. I'm so freaking angry and I have... so little... to lose.


But I have no power. My threats wouldn't be worth anything because they come from a person that isn't worth anything.
I could be accepted for all of my flaws, but I don't even want that. I want to be ignored. Left alone. Put on rations.

I don't care about success. I just want out.



stay beautiful

Effortless

I've given up.

Literally my ambition right now is to be as invisible as possible. I strive to be forgettable. 

A friend I saw briefly told me he has trouble with losing himself in his smart phone when he doesn't know what to so. I've adopted this simply because it works and is acceptable. 

And so easy.

My life is so easy.

I'm purposely not sleeping correctly because then I'm too tired to listen or do anything. 

Being boring is so

Effortless 

Stay beautiful

Substances

I find it tragic that the older I get the pickier I get in my choice of friends. I feel like I practically need the person to mimic me or be a twin for me to be interested. 

And also the older I get the easier it is for me to be bored of my previous friends. 

There are so few real people I care about nowadays. I think my best relationships right now is the friend where we have a mutual understanding that neither of us would sacrifice anything to make the friendship better, we just hang out for as long as it provides a decent distraction from the rest of life. 

Always seeking new distractions... I remember I used to simplify the world. I told people that every action is the pursuit of pleasure or a move away from pain.

I would like to revise that to something totally off the mark: every action is for the pursuit of pain or the sabotage of pleasure.

Because no one wants to be happy

Or alive.

It's hard to find a reason to quit

Stay beautiful

I've had this as a draft

Its not even autumn yet and the rooms are trying to freeze me.

Still I've gotten better at this.
You just stick to a plan, eat only enough to stay sore all the time. Aim for surviving.
Think of all the things that are burning calories.
Standing burns calories
Cold rooms
I have to take the stairs twice because i forgot something? Thats okay i have the time.

Concentrate. I mean you can't always do it, so when you can't you can close your eyes and with that second of sleep you can do it.
Don't go to sleep too early, you'll use more energy if you stay up for a bit.


Just be really careful about people knowing.
Do things. People don't expect you to eat when you are busy.



When winter finally does come I'm going to suffer.
Its always so cold for me.
When I think back to it I remember trying to be warm by staying under cover
and still feeling a chill penetrate to my skin.

I know this guy

Out

I really should die


I hate the people that care about me. If they asked me if I'd miss them if they left or I left... i wouldn't. I'd be happier without them. Truly I want all those people, especially my family to just go away.

Even my friends, which I betray by admitting it, are not people that give me hope or a reason to sustain my life.
I don't want any part of them.

How do i do this?
I mean why am i even alive?
Is it because I've been eating and breathing, because I don't even want to do those.
I'm not doing anything.


I don't have any talents
How do i do this?

stay beautiful

Killer fantasy

Look. Its easy to post links and think you have the power to change things.

But you don't.
The mind isn't that easy to fix.
How does therapy work for you?
Does it even work?
Do the pills save you or is it your survival instinct that finally woke up when everyone else was looking.


If I were the executioner I would have killed myself many times.
I've been having dreams during the day of killing everyone
And then my dreams at night are about how the stars look under the dark of the middle of the pacific ocean. What if I didn't exist so I could hover above the water?
Would it be so beautiful that I would wish to return to the world?



stay beautiful

When you have a problem

I'm with a drunk friend.
He really wasted himself tonight, but he also broke personal boundaries.
He was so proud of getting the number of a girl because it is the first number he has ever gotten from a girl before- aside from study groups.

I'm writing this as he passes out on the couch behind me.


People ask me why I don't drink... because I don't let the alcohol even touch my lips. Not even the ice cubes after the drink is gone.
To be honest alcohol is my number one fear food.
But its also because the person that I hide from society is an ice storm of depression. Its not the guy that can turn on charisma when he needs to and values the strength of a few floating words in a sea of silence. It would be a frozen tar pit. I'm willing to bet I'd leech off others, I'd freeze the moment, and corrupt.

I'm so corrupt on the inside.
I don't drink because I don't want the calories.
But I mostly don't drink because I don't want to be who I really am.



stay beautiful

don't know what

Of course I want more time.
And of course I don't deserve it.

Tomorrow I hope to clear some things out of my head.
I'm surprised I haven't gained weight.
Then again I do accidentally go most of the day without eating.
Can you believe I'm actually afraid of some foods still?
I still can't have two desserts
I still can't eat too much in a meal even if I skipped the previous one.
I have to eat my foods in a certain order and some foods aren't allowed at certain times of the day.
When it gets late enough at night I'm almost not allowed to eat anything.

Popcorn is one of my few safe foods, and that is only because I make it myself. Microwave popcorn is off limits.

I wish I had a group of people I could talk to about this stuff that I don't have to worry about exposing me.

Like... I can't let my family know.
Its not like its even a serious health concern anyways.
I've never really put myself in danger.
But my sister has problems and I can't let her know that I share...
I can't let her know that I don't like my weight and think I'm fat. Everyone would think I'm insane or impossible to understand if they knew I think that.
I don't want to think


stay beautiful

People are parrots

Repeating what they hear.
Afraid of new things
and so...

what is the word? The word that describes how pathetic their memory is, how easily distracted they are, how mundane what they talk about is... What is it?


Some people are so fake
like me
But sometimes I look at a person and I feel like I see right through them and can see how weak they are. In myself I can at least see that I'm stronger than how I'm acting, but there are some others... I don't know why they deserve to live when I really don't want to be here.

I keep getting urges.
To drive off the road
to plunge a knife into something
to fall from high buildings


I feel like breaking the rules. I just want to leave this game.

I think I just want to work for remedial money, enough to afford my fair share of silence and distance. And then I want to help people, while always refusing to let anyone help me.

I wish I could admit to the people that ask how I am
that I hate life, and I'd rather not they ask about why I feel that way.

but they always persist

even I don't know why I hate existing.



stay beautiful

Are you waiting?

Because I'm just not good enough to be playing any games.


stay beautiful

A new line of poetry

People will tell me that they wish they had a mind like mine. That can just learn things sometimes or remember as well as I sometimes do. But even I wish I had a mind like that. I don't get to use my mind.
Often times I remember only what it feels like to burn for change. And I spend a lot of time burying this memory, but it always comes back.
I really don't want to be who I currently am.

And yet its been so long since I've really tried.
Anything other than neutralizing myself.
Blending together all the things I remember with the things I forget...

I'm not sure anymore
as to what my passion is
I don't even want
a future

I just want a better ending.



stay beautiful

Sometimes I sits

Does the word ghost imply incompleteness?

Without a body you can't possibly be whole, some those people that lose their minds in their altered state of reality... well they don't fit with the type of people that are whole so lets call them ghosts too. Or zombies.

Are horror creatures reflections of a fear of living a fragmented life? We are afraid of zombies because they are bodies without the pain and they will cause us to lose the power to make decisions for ourselves because... all we will want to do is eat your brains.
Your brains.

I've been eating. I want to run it off.
I'll probably have my headphones in today. That will take my mind off what I'm doing when I'm going long distances. It makes it easier.
My mind just makes we weaker


Don't think



stay beautiful

I had a chance

I've saved a sizable number of emails from the days where email was one of my primary means of communication.

I really admire the me that used to drop quotes at the end of every message. Now I wonder if I even care enough to do it... 

I think I've become placid.

haha

Then I look up what placid actually means and I wonder why the word ever popped into my head.

I'm the watered down past me.

Looking back to the emails... I feel I was just as intelligent then as I am now. With less anxiety and closer friends. And... better kept secrets.

I wonder who I will be tomorrow.

Quick update... Found a new addicting video game by starting a LoL account. Broke my headphones so I'm demotivated on running... I would like my music, but now I'm considering doing the exercise just out of some directionless spite. I'm behind in school and that sort of cascades into doing worse and worse... I think the professor has determined I don't care that much.

I might not care.

Or I might be afraid.

Why?

I'm not sure

stay beautiful

I think feeling good sucks

i ran because it is healthy to

i ate because it is healthy to

i'm really not a fan of this recovered lifestyle.



Stay beautiful

If only

I do need help

But I'd rather get sleep.

I can't do that yet.
I have something to do first.



stay beautiful

Rent

I'm probably depressed.

I don't like it put that way. Depressed sounds like a noun. Like I am depressed. Just depressed. Not a person who is depressed, but the feeling depressed.

I stink. I'll admit that.
I'm just too mentally unstable to sleep. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. So useless.

I want to do easy things, like talk about how beautiful beauty is and how freeing it is to be free. I want to convince people that death is good. Love should be free. Social chains are only as heavy as you make them... or as heavy as they are imposed.

That can be avoided right?
Its right to kill when it saves.
Its also always wrong to kill and you should feel that.


I want to be in a place where I have enough money to sleep.
It takes far too much money to have a place to sleep.


Stay beautiful

Blightning

3am?

And I have to be awake by 6:30am?
I can do it.
In fact I deserve this punishment to my body.
I bet I do.


Its strange. I'm not so tired now... but throughout my day I felt sick. Almost like how I used to feel when I was at my lowest weight, where I had sore eyes from keeping them open because I couldn't sleep with my body begging me to eat.
Although sometimes I would sleep like a rock, but those mornings I woke almost paralyzed and so hollow.

My memory isn't functioning so well right now.
My whole mind isn't.

What else could I expect?

What am I going to do tomorrow?
Sleep?
I hope so...


I can't concentrate...
Maybe if I put some effort in my body I would feel better...
but this sickness feels so good.


stay beautiful

deprived

I'm not sleeping right
now working right now
Not getting labwork done.

I'm now very tired in the eyes
but my legs tingle
and my stomach is bloated
and my mind foggy.
At least I have food for tomorrow. Safe foods.

I never thought about it before, but I have a mental checklist of safe foods.
Sometimes I can't eat anything else but the safe stuff.
I'm not sure if this qualifies me as still sick or not.

I hate who I am.
I feel like such a fake.
How can I be eating disordered when I am such a good pretender of the healthy and happy lifestyle?
I feel like Hamlet, who by pretending to be mad becomes mad.

By pretending to be sane I've passed all the standards of society. I'm one of them.
And I hate that person too.

I've appeared so happy lately, but the poisonous nectar drips deeper in my veins.
The cravings are worsening.

I feel so close to relief.
So close to sleep.

But sleep... and death... and the end to these feelings are not even existent in my dreams.
I don't know what I'm dreaming of in the precious little time I gave myself this week.

I've lived at coffee shops, but haven't bought a cup of coffee for a long time. I don't drink coffee. I like instead being so close to the thing I desire and not getting it.

I remember once I was a character on a page.
I drank whiskey slower than a dripping faucet would fill a pint class.
I fooled people into thinking I was smiling, even in fiction.
I was a snake. One of those animals that hunts helpless prey. And consumes.


Its all consuming me


stay beatiful

One Color

Sometimes people are plain boring


Really some people feel different. I'm mostly talking females, but I've seen some males that are extraordinary people... but what I think about all the time is the way some females feel. I don't know if its bones that I feel or the vitality of a healthy body... its just when the frame of a person isn't insulated in fat it feels so much different. Its an emotional tier above the squishy flesh that the others feel like.

My words are the only piece of me that could possibly contend with that feeling. Sometimes I speak art. Those nights where I talk to the stars... I seem to have all the right words sometimes.
And then I talk for my daily life.
or I blog.
Its nothing when I think of the art I have lived before.


I want greatness at any cost.
I would bleed for you greatness. Never sleep again. Die...
I just need it.


But more than greatness right now I want that feeling again.
I hate just getting a touch.
There is so much more to beauty than just touch.

Touch is just where it all starts...



stay beautiful

Finish the prelab

Anxiety rushes doing what I'm supposed to.
I find it difficult to do as I should.

You should get a job.
You should do your homework.
You should do the dishes.
You should move out.
You should make new friends.

I want to. But how?
My own body defies me.

Makes me want other things because the things I should be doing are the things I can't do. Like the repulsion of a magnet, the node of an antibond. I can't communicate, can't bring myself near enough to touch the actions I need. Can't cross the threshold. I have a problem existing on that line.

This whole time I'm thinking of someone I lost.
Its almost like she died. And for that I guess I am still in mourning.

But I know its useless to invest your hope
in anyone.

Even myself.


stay beautiful

Kitty lemonade

I have few enough friends and I get so attached that I find it very difficult to make new ones. And then people leave me and I just want to retreat. Starve. Become less.

I remember what it was like being dizzy. Sure it was lonely, but it was hazy and didn't hurt as much. Living life on empty was my painkiller for the loneliness that I can't fight.

I don't have it in me to fight...

But its my fault for losing the people I care about. Still it seems cruel ironic that when my mind changes and I fall in love with someone they have to leave me. They can't even stick around and let my convince them that I have changed back.

And I didn't even do anything to prompt it.

Just a few words...

Stay beautiful

Could you be convinced?

"He wants to enslave you"
"I shudder at the thought of being free"


But not everyone can be saved from enslavement. Not everyone can be freed by saying yes or giving in.
You might not want to be free.
Might not think you deserve it.


I often don't think I deserve life.
I'm not sure I deserve a job. I could use one though. It would take away from this freedom I've been abusing.
Freedom is a terrible thing.

So is youth and beauty.
But... only because it can be destroyed and when it is destroyed we have nothing to cure the wounds with.
Where there used to be something glorious is now scabs.

I have so little will to live these days.
More than living... I just want to feel comforted and so I seek that.
I never find it.
I nourish my body perfectly fine, but its a different craving i seek to fulfill.

Maybe I can find my solace in books again.


stay beautiful

Mumble

I know nothing
says the intelligent ones
says everyone

it doesn't matter
doesn't everyone say that?

bye...
why?

What if I was never here?
Never heard a word you said?

Its hard for me to be convinced that... the person that writes here exists.
I'm just so... different in the world.
I don't remember the last time I've done something to be beautiful.
I've given up.

I guess its a good time to leave me
lots of people have been leaving my life


I'm having trouble facing it all.
So I do these things that don't let me think.
But then I lose myself.
or the me that I think I am.
Maybe I really am this concise
hollow
thoughtless
hopeless
coward

and not the book that I want to be.


I wonder what other people are doing with their lives.
Has anything changed?
I'm in the same place doing the same things feeling even less than I've felt before.
Things are breaking but I don't even stop long enough to think how to fix them.

The things I want to do...
I'm not even sure of those anymore.

I don't have any direction.
Nor power. I used to be powerful... and am I just going to complain that I'm not what I used to be? That I can't sleep right? That my dreams are crushed and so is my courage? I can't go out and try to do the things I want because I've been broken.
Its sad.
I'm just repeating myself.
Probably for a month or two or four.
Dammit.
I need to break something else.


Do you know why I named this post mumble?
Its because I'm constantly hearing people ask me what I said to them. Always. My whole life in fact. And they always accuse me of mumbling, but I don't believe I mumble that much. I believe I say things so glaringly obvious that people don't believe it came from my mouth. I'm expected to say astute things. I'm expected to make a peculiar observation every time. I've even been fooled into trying to live up to this expectation. I actually get angry when I'm wasting words. I'm always harping on how others say things they don't mean. When I do it people say I mumble.

Well how true is it?


stay beautiful

Roses to remember

Suicide
I think of her all the time.

Ice griped my brain as I watched the blades spin. I wanted to reach in to feel what pain felt like again.
you know what pain feels like
Oh... but I wanted to remember.

My tongue slipped
So I brushed myself off and tried to continue talking
but there wasn't anything to say.
Just answer the question.


What do you dream about?
Only beautiful things
like death and happiness.
But real life isn't like dreams. You don't get to die so painlessly


stay beautiful

Original nomenclature

Amazing right? I can be cold.

And far behind

I've spent so much time with my weakness.

I'm not sure I'm ready for much. I don't have much.

Why now?

Why do I have to keep secrets now?

I can't let people be understanding anymore...

What it was like to be inhuman.. I'll never know. I can't remember it, but I also can't forget it. I don't remember who I was, but I knew what it felt like. I felt solid back then, broken, but solid.

I guess all these wishes have gotten part of the dreams to come true.

Yet I'm not going to die.

That dream would be so easy

if only

I didn't care about you

Stay beautiful

Mixed Messages

Be angry, but don't let it out.

What sage advice right? Because if you ever let anger out of its cage... well you've taught an animal it can roam free. That boundaries can be broken when it suits your interests or a need calls.
But anger is a useful tool.
I used to always be angry and no one knew before.
Now that I've started admitting my feelings things have changed. I have to wait longer to be forgotten and the anger is not nearly as useful publicly as it was privately.

This reminds me of my own words... there are some things you can't tell people because they will try to change you when they know.

What can I do?

I think I should go back to keeping my feelings a secret.

Was here

I didn't have the confidence to go out today looking for a job. What makes me think I can attain that confidence to seek a paid position tomorrow or any day within a few weeks?

I think I did worse on the physics exam I took today than I did on my math 20A final. Or any test from that class. At least I got one problem for that class on every exam. 20/100
Has anyone reading this ever scored so low?

I can't expect greatness in my future.


I'm sad.
So I want to be left alone. Even though... love is the thing I crave. Its also the cure and I don't want to be cured. I'd like to stay sick.
I'd like to actually get sick.

I love fevers and shakes. Love being weak while thinking strong. I can survive... I'm so good at it when its the first priority.
Even though I don't want to survive for much longer.


stay beautiful

Why can't I think

I hope I die soon.


Stay beautiful

Taking time

I am supposed to conform; Follow orders.

But I never let it be that easy. Everything has to be done in my tine at the right place. And with this mind I wonder if the place will ever be alright because I've lost track of what is real because of these dreams. I don't remember what I have done because I've dreamed so many alternative plot-lines  All I remember is the feeling of dissatisfaction of messing up ever time I go back in time to change things.

The only memories that I know are real are the ones that came from smell. For some reason my nose is the only part of me on my side.
I remember the smell of a new friend.
The smell of coffee in a comfortable place where I can accomplish things.
I remember the smell of my feet right now. Its atrocious. At least I know this moment isn't another dream. Although... once I publish this post it is difficult to deny writting the content of the post itself.

But the comments.
I think one of the comments labelled anonymous is me.
But I can't remember.

I do remember seeing a goldfish alone in a bowl from a roommate. But then I can't remember what my hands did as they hovered over the keyboard. I don't remember anything else from that dream or reality.


I don't understand how I lost all this time.
I woke up and it was 8am
I think it took me an hour to get to breakfast. so 9am
it is currently 10:41am
I don't know what happened.


stay beautiful

Dear unknown

Who the fuck are you?

Where did you get the name for your blog?
It can't be entirely coincidence that you are sick as me, name your blog the same thing I named mine, and BLOCK me.
I lost control today. I'm blaming you. I really did think of you and it broke me out of my... ice.

See when I get upset i tend to freeze solid. Unbreakable. Silent. Cold. Stable.
Even the most stressful of situations and I'll never fracture that is how flawless my composure is.
But I broke today.

I would rather spend eternity in stasis than break again...
I don't care how 'invincible' I felt.
I'm dangerous...


Which is why I mastered the art of the storm. I learned how to turn my temper into an internal cyclone. Where I imagine the stress factors as a hurricane on the outside and my mind becomes the eye. Center. Calm.


I've done what I usually do.
Turn a conversation with another into a conversation about me.
This is why I hate myself.


I want to know. I'm desperate. Weak right now, but I could regain my willpower. I just have to be sick again.
I think I'm acting like a spoiled kid.
I clearly don't deserve everything I want. So no matter how much I want to know who you are and why this game is being played on me (by you or by random chance) I don't get to have that privilege.

Please person that doesn't know me
accept my apology

stay beautiful

Tell me who you are

Walls are fucking weak.
I beat the shit out of a wall today. Freaking thing cracked under my fist and I didn't even bleed. I'm not even bruised...

Its sad... all this effort to break things. It should be spent protecting what is beautiful. I think it is sad that beautiful things even need protecting... why can't we just all be safe?

I hate ugly people.
They blot out the beauty in the world. White spots where there could be a clean black slate. We could see in the darkness by the light of their beauty... the beautiful people that is. But the fat shadows of the ugly turn the beautiful into diamonds and gold. Only parts per million, buried under the ashes that made them.


I love the power of adrenaline. Being invincible to pain. Strong. The whole world simplifies to one tunnel with one light. Fight or flight.



Hi readers...
I wish I could threaten you with something like killing myself just to get you to reveal yourself. Its so selfish, but I bet you know how it feels to live a life that seems so disposable. And if you like my words... I bet you have considered throwing your life away also.
Which brings me back to why I need to protect you. For some reason you would end your beautiful life and unless I knew you I couldn't stop it.
Which is why...
i wish.
I wish you would fall for that trap.



stay beautiful

Rabbits

I'm careless

I don't listen to anything. I don't do anything. I'm not even starving myself.
Net worth is nothing.

My body manages to pretend it has done work. It has done nothing. I'm probably still capable of running 10 miles, but... I haven't tested that in about 2 months. Maybe longer.

I'm not going to get anywhere like this.
I know what it is too
I'm ashamed of myself
I don't want anyone to see me
Not even myself
Its been a long time since I've looked into my reflection.
Usually when I look I stare at myself. But I stare at everybody.
Not now... I'll avert my eyes. I don't want to feel watched by myself.

It doesn't make sense to me.


I really could be falling down the rabbit hole.
I've retreated at least twice today.
I'll bet more often than that.
I almost... almost lost myself once today.
I almost tried to disappear.

Not sure how I can get better.

Looks like I never did improve.


stay beautiful

Bridges

The lowest weight me would be more than disappointed in the current me. He would be angry at me.
Granted he hated almost everyone, which was sad because I know how lonely he was... and still is.

But I looked at myself as him a little bit ago.
I think I understand what trigger means now.
It was simultaneously standing in front of an audience of glaring faces and being that audience.
Torn between two realities I was consumed with a desire to occupy neither space and no space. I think I yearned for death, but I always dream of the end.

I went to a church once and I remember the preacher standing on some makeshift bridge telling us that our destiny awaited us on the other side and something about Jesus, God, or the Holy Spirit being on the other side with open arms. THat it was so simple to cros the bridge an no real danger was ahead. At least that is what I imagine he said.
All I could think about was what it felt like to have your bridge collapse and fall into the abyss below.


stay beautiful

Supersire

I feel better when the focus shits away from me.

I no longer feel persecuted by the light of the sun.
But I only get this reprieve because the shadow has fallen on another.
My sister almost died.


This is old news

might as well post it anyways



stay beautiful

Need sleep, sorta but not tired not willing to admit it  I hate how attractive people can get. And then me... not even close. No reason to be desired. People say that I am brilliant. They just don't know how to do math.  
Lets move to other places.
Who even writes these things?

Azura-
Doubt-
Hello my dear friend! The only thing we need is a guiding hand which rests in our own sometimes and wishes it well. I am loyal, caring, sociable  woman, and I am good listener. I like active leisure, walking, learning new things and meeting new people. www.azalea.in.ua I need reliable and strong man in my life. I open my heart to my future darling, I would offer my heart to him in hope to  share all things life brings us. Au revoir Azura

Who are you even speaking to? Why did I get this message? Why am I lonely enough to read it... and wish it was for me when... at best it was mistakenly sent to me.  
Veronyk-
Reverie-
How do you do! I'm here to find my beloved man and to share my heart with him. I know that we are miles apart, but if my man looks deep within his heart, he will see that I am there with my love I want to share. I hope he will appreciate that he means much for me http://avril.in.ua I hope that together we will cope with all troubles and difficulties that come along.  I hope to find my sweetheart here. if you think we should get along, drop me a line Veronyk
Why?
No one wants me... Why did you... Even send this to make it seem like something wants me I guess if I had money I could be wanted. That someone could con me into clicking into the link and sifting away money.   So many of these messages... and these are only the ones that aren't obviously spam. Now that I have deleted them all I'm right back where I was before. Alone  

stay beautiful

The bid for happiness

What do you want? If you can name something you can likely name the amount of money or effort that will lead you there.

I want to lose weight.
Just takes less calories in then out.
I also feel that there could miracle drugs to accelerate the process. Like meth.
If I was to take meth my reason would be to lose weight. I don't need transient pleasure or even to have the mindblowing experience a drug can take you through.


I think I've gained weight.
I've at the very least lost motivation and energy. Which is what I used to think kept the weight off of me.
I'm so weak and ashamed of my body now.
My eyes leak with tears because I spend so much time in front of this screen. Sometimes because I feel pathetic, but usually just because I've spent too much of myself here.

Its beginning to warm here. I'll soon hear the complaints of others and the whine of Air Conditioning wherever I go. And I'll be fine with the sunshine because I'll remember how it felt in the winter to feel like I would never be warm. I'll let the heat burn me and singe away my sweat because to me I finally don't have to try to feel ... what is the word I am looking for? I mean to say something comforting. Something like complete. But I know that warmth doesn't change anything in me. It is just preferable to the cold. I find it amusing how uncomfortable warmth is to others, when I don't feel hot until the temperature is much higher.
And even when it is too hot for me I can still function in the heat.


Waiting and letting time pass seems to be a hobby of mine.
And because of that I can't get anything else done on time



stay beautiful

legend

I hate how the music of others and the poetry of others brings me back to black paper.
I'm so out of practice that I don't even dare try. And instead I attempt to retreat to my addictions.
I'm so pathetic.

I remember glimpses of a fantasy world. A few characters... There was a land where a great magical catastrophe had turned a great expanse of land to ash. Completely leveled mountains and dried the rivers and that caused a large flat expanse that didn't absorb water very well and was cracked and dry most of the year.
A fat man would travel this expanse regularly. He was rich and had slaves that he worked hard, but didn't abuse.

There was a very sick man who was tall and always very cold. He was a fugitive running from someone or something and with him traveled a little girl. A very special little girl that kept much of the sickness at bay. And so the sick man cared for her.

There was a great mountain with a gushing spring of hot water that coursed down the mountain hot as boiling water. Here was built a civilization of stone and aqueducts and great warriors. It was a matriarchy.


In another story there was a boy that escaped the real world into dream worlds.
The first time was while he was in PE and a much larger boy in his class decided to pit his anger at a petty loss on this scrawny dreamer. And while his hand was being bent backwards so fiercely that the skin ripped and the fingers bled he found himself in a clock tower with illusion built walls. Walls that told what happened and showed so many other things.
The next time was on a valentines day when he asked a girl to an early spring dance and she not only said no but purposely humiliated him in front of everyone. His vision tunneled and he found himself on a path in the snow. He dared to walk forward but didn't move. Instead his own footprints were impressed upon the snow. He tried to run but was still rooted in place and the impressions only ran farther from him. He looked down and realized he didn't exist.
But eventually he had to return to the real world.



Eventually we all have to right?

Oh... I wish I could write with substance again. The sound of the keyboard is relaxing to my unstable mind.
But I have no stock iron with which to forge.

my stories are burned out



stay beautiful

Out of service

I'm trying to relearn how to interact with this world without anxiety

I'm learning a few tricks...


stay beautiful

Broken mousepad

I actually can't do this.
I can't concentrate for long enough...

Why am I so... disabled?

Tense past

I remember modeling for that photoshoot.

The photographer had a bulging belly. Her assistant spoke another language. I was simultaneously struck admiring the beauty of pregnancy while swallowing disgust at the normalcy of the rest of her body. In my mind everyone should be extraordinary.
I don't remember much about the day. I remember seeing too much sky and wishing for it to be overcast as a photographer I once knew had told me overcast days did all the lighting adjustments for you and I wanted this to be perfect.
I don't remember... It was only a few seconds before they told me to take off my shirt and right away both her and her assistant we shaking their head. No... this wouldn't do. He isn't skinny enough.
So after a few pictures with the back of my neck flaring in embarrassment and my heart producing heat like a furnace with coals of anxiety... I showed them a little trick.
All the sudden it was
wow... I've never seen anyone get that thin.
Hold that right there...
And now I was getting burned with lies
LIES
I never used to be that thin. I would look in the mirror and admire how well I could pull in my own stomach, but never did I look like that.
I always wanted to though...

Its really sad that without other people to save me... with just me and all these painful memories that I have to find some way to live.
I can see I was doing what I was because I didn't want to remember my past.
I want a new life
I want to talk about the future and nothing else
I want to be buried in sleep and under blankets until this winter ends.

I don't want a past anymore



stay beautiful

Cold confession

It was actually surprisingly effective way of eliminating the present. Last night was.
And yet... I'm still here.
Why did I come back?

If there is a spirit world it must be North. In Washington, or Canada, or maybe on the East Coast somewhere. It calls me: Asking me why I'm not there.
I just need a few things to clear up.


stay beautiful

Not what it sounds like

I tried to overdose
and you would call me stupid for it
But it was fun while it lasted
And now I'm just to tired to be anything but sick

This is not the way it is supposed to be


stay beautiful