Success, health, and death

I haven't eat on Tuesdays for weeks until now. Its been wake up at 6am get to work at 7:30 and then take a mile walk during my lunch break, ride my bike to a coffee shop and most likely not order anything, ride bike home, drive to another coffee shop and against maybe or maybe not order something. No caffeine at the later coffee shop.
So what maybe a lemonade? Yeah last time i had an Italian peach lemonade (carbonated lemonade)

I've forgotten to eat on some Mondays too...
I've for the most part given up on life altogether.
I'm in debt and for the most part I don't buy anything.
This 'job' i currently have is only Tuesdays. There aren't other hours available. I probably have some serious anxiety problems that prevent me from going out and applying for another job, but even if it were serious I'm pretty sure I'm stronger than it when i want to be.

Problem is...
I don't want to live.


Why was today the exception?
Well I was feeling especially sick with my body and my mind. I honestly didn't want to eat, whereas before I just didn't feel like putting through any effort.
I tend to fight better when the opposition is stronger. I've noticed that. I fail at easy things and get so close to succeeding at the difficult ones.

Honestly I don't even care about most of the 'important' things. There are other things more important to me. Completely out of reach yes, but still the forefront of my concern and therefore even though I have no interaction with what I am living for... it keeps me here.



I have to apologize about the previous post. Something that doesn't come across this blog much is that I have periods of sensitivity like everyone else. I'm not sure many readers would believe it if they only know me from this blog, but I'm known to have a sense of humor in the material world.
The point is I was being melodramatic. Eating really doesn't kill you, but dammit it hurt and I couldn't sleep for that night because eating, after such a long period of fasting, honestly was painful.


My head is still in a daze. I'm still coughing up air sometimes, but I will survive today.
I will be useless tomorrow.

I'm only alive because there are some things that still care about. Even though my success, future, and health aren't among those.


Stay beautiful