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Sunday, January 1, 2017

I haven't seen you for a while

Its been so long since I last saw you

Yeah. It feels like I'm happier without seeing the people that love me.

Its crazy when you live in the world of a twisted mind. You don't feel love the same way others do and so you can't interpret their feelings properly. I personally discredit the love others feel.
I guess my issue is that in order to be loved I have to feel known first. I don't feel that way. All too often I get people that tell me they do not understand me. It gives me some perspective though when i encounter someone I do not understand. As a side note I find someone I do not understand very difficult to harbor any love towards.

Most of the time people are boring. They aren't worth knowing. Its like some of the books you have to read for school where the language is archaic and the storyline is so far removed from today's technology and setting that its hard to get into it. Actually the problem typically isn't the technology or lack of proper hygiene. Usually its cultural norms that have been discarded where the disconnect occurs.
The same cultural insignificances cause people to become boorish. Pop culture is shallow. Even practices that have stood with time lack content. Always just the title of the book.  But what else would you judge a character off of?

Some books though... just a struggle to get through.

I must be one of those books.

Have i mentioned lately what I've learned about intelligence?
I've noticed that the difference between the smart people and the dumb people; even when comparing something that is interest based like book smarts vs weed smarts that the largest delta occurs with how long a period of time the smarter person is willing to devote to answering a question or solving a problem.
Its not just time. Time is just the easiest to measure. Motivation is another important factor and much more difficult to track.
Its so obvious, but when you attempt to teach a child how to be smart while others are attempting to teach the same child how to intelligent the approach is so different with this in mind.

Often people will try to steer a child's interests towards something regarded as 'for smart people'. Such as science kits or playing with legos instead of linkin logs because legos would be for the smarter kids.
When you instead hold to the principle that motivation and time are the only factors that matter you don't care what is played with. Instead you attempt to bridge interests like toy cars with uninteresting items like plastic bottles. You show a child a toy car made from a plastic bottle; you ask them which of 5 different sized and colored plastic bottles they would enjoy a toy car of the best.... you attempt to awaken something.

I think there is a weakness to this line of approach. I think if you give away enough answers or you guide too much you destroy divergent thinking early.
If you teach a child that a paper clip is for keeping paper together over and over and over again you might miss out on the phase where a paperclip is a metallic line oragami or the key to neverland or a stirring rod for a mud concoction.
When the answer is found there isn't much more reason to search.

Which reminds me of something else that came across my mind while trying to understand how intelligence could be passed on to others. (forgive me always using children as an example; the young are simply the easiest to brainwash). The formula works best when there is pursuit beyond a sufficient solution/answer.

I'll admit I do not believe I have any idea of a program or way to set up a life to make someone smarter. I'll admit that I don't have a giving enough heart to desire such a thing to exist.

So why do I think about it. Am I just trying to prove myself intelligent by abiding to my own principles? Am I in a way motivated to try to prove myself superior that I'll make up the rules just so I can play by them?

I don't know.

And whatever it is in me that makes me feel unloved, unknown...
Feels like the exact same locus of my dissatisfaction with the half answers the universe gives me.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Mortal complaints and sleep

I'm currently alive.

Sleeping is a trade. I don't want to lose time just to regain my coordination, but I'm forced to.
I want more time so badly that I would like to stay awake till night when I've been up since yesterday, but I would need assistance for that to happen. I don't even like putting caffeine in my body still.

I still don't drink alcohol. I'm still 6'1" and closer to 130lbs than 140lbs.
I feel like I've figured some things out that I hadn't thought of before and none of my goals feel as important anymore.
Maybe one of the reasons why I'm not too motivated to plan ahead has to do with how satisfied I finally am. I like how comfortable my body feels. I use all my time and I don't have to try in order to succeed at what I'm busy with. I'm not even busy... Most of the time when I have things to do its just favors for other people and so the day passes by like it was never even mine.

What am i going to do today?
Probably start by sleeping.
This damn body and the weaknesses of being human.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

This year November

I plan to weigh myself this November sometime and possibly post some pictures. I'm a bit sad about it because at one point I was really thin again, but I lost it... I had bruises from sleeping my body was so weak.

I just wanted attention is all.

Stay beautiful 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Tuesday, May 27, 2014


As insane as Elliot Rogers was, he documented his life quite aptly. And I'm convinced I'm just about as insane.

Thankfully I obsess over different things than he does. And I prefer to enact vengeance through profound love

Stay beautiful

Monday, May 26, 2014

Nonpolar lotions

My body has gotten tired of fighting the poison oak. I can feel it. My lungs ache from this battle and while my head tells me I am starving I can't eat any more. I've got no time for digestion.

I keep waking up after 4 or so hours of sleep from the rash. Both arms, and armpit, forehead, left ear, left knuckle, hips, inner thighs, balls, dick, and right eyelid.

I've gained a few insights from this. I believe acne treatment helps solve it. Tonight is the night I'm trying, as acne treatment is meant to pull the oils out of the face and poison oak is an oil, something like a 22 chain carbon compound. It absorbs through the skin slowly because of its size, but so heavily nonpolar that water will slide off it like... Well there isn't much in the ways of nonpolar commodities for comparison. In two days it will have been a week of suffering.

I've suffered before.
I can do it again.

Stay beautiful
Hilariously enough I got poison oak everywhere after making that infected post. Go me