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Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Thin blood

What do you do when you run out of willpower?

You give in.
The amount that you care tanks and self esteem plummets with it.

But eventually life goes back to normal. Regret settles in. And then everything has to be rebuilt.

I feel like sleep cycles help predict these patterns.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Cause of Death

From Tuesday 3pm till thursday morning I fasted.

I did a mini road trip.

People that are afraid of fainting when fasting just haven't taken good enough care of their body. When you get proper nutrients your body performs the same on a fast. In fact you get a mild stimulatory effect. So even though the traffic was boring and I didn't get quite as much sleep as I wanted Wednesday I was alert enough to drive 6 hours.

Then today... well if today wasn't planned it would have been considered a failure. I've eaten plenty today.

My average for the past few days should be pretty low. I should be calorie deficient. And as long as I'm consistent I lose weight. If I'm not then well... It doesn't matter. If I keep trying I will succeed.

To the bone is out very soon. By the time people read this post it should be out.

Something you'll notice about the movie that they got right was the use of a powerful mantra to starve.
Its because willpower is easier to achieve when you have something to use as a foundation. If you have a principle or idea that idea can be stronger than the survival instinct to eat if you drill it in deep enough.

Its why I repeat myself so damn much. I'm trying to strengthen my mantra to beat my survival.

Can someone put that as my
Cause of death

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

The most difficult question

I did something based off the emotion love that was an expression of hatred...

There was a stranger on the internet that was 'coaching' girls on anorexia. I hated him so much I wanted to trace his location so I could hunt him down and kill him. He would brag about how he sent ~30 girls in Inpatient and had 5 or so die.
I was willing to devote my life to his ending if I needed to. I don't like what he did.

But what I did today... for the reason that I cared... verged on coaching. I need to not do that, even if I trust the maturity of the person I'm talking to. Even if I adore them and they really want me to give them a little push. I can't let myself actually do it. I will not be that kind of predator.

A friend of mine is angry at his father over a video his father shared with him. This video was actually shared by the dad years ago and with the same basic message of "hey look its you" because the video is talking about how much of a loser the subject is.
Emotions cause people to react before they interact.
What does that even mean...

This fast was started at 3pm today and will last until Thursday morning unless a medical emergency occurs. And um... I'm going to attempt something only an imbecile would do on Friday. But I can't tell you yet. I'll let you know if I succeed, but hopefully I fail Friday's endeavor for my health.

When you act before your mind has sorted out the proper relationship of events you can get blindsighted by the only emotion you had time to have.
When time is given to feel a spectrum of emotion its easier to use reason.

My friend wants to abandon his current sanctuary under his father just to teach his father not to be emotionally abusive. And I suggested he show gratitude instead.

Why would you show gratitude to a parent that sees you as the stay at home loser in the basement?

I said because if you show gratitude now you'll never do this to your own children. If you can fight bullying by your own dad with kindness then you'll be a better dad because of it.
Its a tough call to make.

Also has anyone ever wondered... who could you safely ask this question: What would you do if your friend- who you thought was so strong- turned out to be suicidal all along?

It might be the most difficult question to find a person to ask...
That won't
Think its about me.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

What counts

There are advantages to fasting. I don't know them all, but personally it feels good to not have to log anything mentally and I feel secure that I'm making progress. I'll feel lighter all day. I personally have plenty of energy most of the time and my sleep feels better. The break my digestive system receives is both an upside and a downside but that doesn't matter. I don't have to spend money on food. Ketosis is basically guaranteed. Blood sugar evens out (usually).

But usually I get to a point where I'm stupid and weak. I can't think as clearly and my muscles advertise their limits to me.
Still... you don't need to be smart to be successful in life. So I can usually do all that I need to when I'm fasting.

I broke my fast this morning with a coffee flavored plant protein that is going to expire this month and a fiber supplement. The fiber supplement says 20 calories but... like its all fiber? Doesn't that mean its not digested?
Or is it like potato starch, which is praised for its 'resistant starches', but is mostly (maybe this one isn't mostly) digestible carbohydrates. I don't know yet, but I'm hoping a damn college education in nutrition at least involves me in where to find out this sort of information.
I think its ridiculous that we have been alive as humans for so long and haven't figured out that much about the food around us. Granted the processed food wasn't there to study for the longest time, but the older stuff like apples and watermelon should be understood a lot more than they are.

Ranting about food... lol will I ever stop thinking about food?

All that matters is that I'm consistent

I said I would

I'm so weak.

The smell of food was crushing me today. I was dreaming of food. Planning what I'm going to eat next. But I guess that is healthy.
I'm not sure how healthy I want to be yet.

Since I feel okay now.

Warm tea helped me feel better.

Its been 24 hours. If I sleep for 8 hours, which is likely it will have been 32. I'm glad I have the willpower to make it to 32 hours at least. I'd be sorely disappointed in myself if I couldn't do that.

I want to love coffee so badly.
I mean I love the taste when I can taste it... Coffee just needs to brew so hot, and sometimes when you drink it the flavor is so like strong that you can't taste it? I don't know... It just so rarely tastes how it smells.

I feel like I need help doing this.
And I sort of do have help.

I'm just so weak that I feel like I need more.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

The closest I can get

This is what I remember about being sick.

And yet I can't eat. I'm too upset. I'm too angry. I'm out of control. And the only way to assert myself is to


Today was a holiday.
For many of those people with eating disorders this was a bad day.

It was a bad day for me too.

I just can't shake my mood off. I'm so easily annoyed. I'm seeing the worst and weakest in everyone I meet. I'm getting jealous over people having friendships and people being in the position to walk away from people without feeling like its depriving them of something. I feel like if I let anyone go I'll miss them too much. I already miss everyone I've lost. But I'm alone for a reason: I'm a parasite.

Its too hard to make myself feel better so I need to help others feel better because its the closest thing I can get.

Monday, July 3, 2017

I'm the normal one

I have plenty of time to send updates... But I don't often do so because when the best thoughts come to me I'm not in a place where I can blog. If I kept notes I'd be able to talk about so much potentially.

Two things have been going through my head today.

I've been thinking about how fasting isn't going to give me the body I want right now. How useless and unattached to the disease I am.
And how if I do make myself fit first... I'll just go back to fasting later because I feel like its so important to my identity.

I'll try to be healthy. Today I did tons of healthy stuff. I ate probably 6 times today. I think I had 60g of protein alone, I was in ketosis for the first half of the day, but then went minor carbs for the rest of the day. I had tons of nutrients. Covered my B vitamins with biotin, took a zinc supplement, had a greens supplement, drank kombucha and a probiotic... I ingested a ton and I did it in celebration of a successful fast all of yesterday.

Still... why am I celebrating with food?
Does that make me a wannarexic?

I just don't want to lose my hair yet. I don't want to feel sore from helping someone move while I was fasting yesterday. I want to not have headaches or muscles that feel like they are going to cramp on me because of electrolytes being off. I want my digestive system to feel alive instead of like a dead snake in my torso. I want to poop... to have material to shit.
I want to be healthy?

But I never want to break into my fear food.
I've been craving pizza for the last week, but I dont want to have it because I feel so close to progress. I just want to succeed a little before I satisfy that craving.
I want to devote time to exercise and I want to teach my body how to do endurance exercise without carbs and eventually without food at all.
I want to try a supplement fast, where I use supplements and no food for as long as I can.
I want to do tea fasts where I can drink unlimited tea and kombucha and electrolytes but not ingest other liquids or solid food.
I want to try a fiber fast where I live off fiber supplements.
I want to fast for Ramadan at the proper time and with minimal participation in Muslim/Islam ceremony.

I do not see a problem with any of these wishes. I think I'm totally normal.

And I'm only going to get better than normal.