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Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Include all

I don't know what is going to kill me.

But sometimes
It feels like all the important things i forget are going to end my life.

I'm terrible about doing things in the right order. When I was younger I would accidentally read the second book of a series before the first. I don't even know why I feel like that detail is important.
I'm pathetic. I don't know if I've ever been more incapable at any point in my life than how I have been lately.

I've been weak willed. I couldn't hold to my food plan yesterday, and then when I tried to eat what I planned to eat I couldn't because I ate earlier. I weighed at 123.4 lbs yesterday morning. Haven't weighed today, but if I do I'll be heavy because I've eaten. Eating makes me heavy and therefore even more of a failure.
I'm at the point of my life where just being successful at being anorexic would be a success in my eyes.
I can't even use my eyes to cry. I feel like I'm a zombie because I can't even get emotional. I just generate trash and complain and am passive aggressive at all times.

My room smells like a used diaper from the doorway, but I can't figure out what it is because I'm so terrible at getting my life together.

I don't even think I'm suicidal right now. I just want to be isolated in some sort of mental health care facility and given a break from everything. But its against my nature. Maybe even against my nurture... it was pretty hard for my sister to accept that sort of care when she was my age.

I didn't say my new years resolution in my previous posts because I wasn't sure if this is a safe place to post these sorts of things, but I'm trying to let go of those feelings. They will only make things worse if I keep them within me.

When I was thinking about new years resolutions only one thing stuck in my mind. I feel like I won't have accomplished my goals unless I get hospitalized for my weight.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018


2 am.
I can't sleep.
I need to know how much I weigh.

131.4 lbs with clothes on.
Remove 3 sweaters, pants...
126.0 lbs

Its expected. Late at night weight fluctuates higher. Tomorrow morning will be a better number.

I'm already thinking about when I'm going to eat next.
It feels like I'm cheating
Just thinking
of eating.

I still don't understand entirely what down to earth means. I don't feel down to earth. I feel like I'm grounded in my idealism of what a good life is and those chains bind me to my mind instead of reality. If it doesn't fit in my perfect world I can't have it.
Earth is definitely not a perfect world.

I've been thinking a lot about lavender. Its a beautiful color. Its a beautiful scent. But to me... its a beautiful name.

Diagnose me Captain

124.0lbs 12:00pm

Intake is 2 cups of broccoli, 2 tablespoons olive oil, a cookie, a kombucha, a 100 calorie packet of seaweed, and 3 artichokes. I'd estimate water intake to be 4 liters. An activity tracker says 7,000 steps.
Supplements include mushroom coffee, 2.5 grams EPA+DHA fish oil, 250mg chewable vitamin C, HearthSmart (A,D,K2) and 50 billion probiotics.

Welcome to paradise

Saturday, November 11, 2017

I hate November

On the first of this month my car broke down. I've been eating nonstop like a pig and I doubt I've gained or lost much. I'm struggling in school while also not advancing or declining. I've been flirting back with people I'm probably not interested in, but I'm lonely so whatever. I feel freezing cold already and I don't have many sweaters and half of my sweaters do not fit me. I work thanksgiving until like 7pm, which I'm okay with, but my family members don't like it and let their disappointment be known. I'm eating unrestricted carbohydrates and I hate how it makes me feel. I don't even know when to sign up for next semester... It might be too late already. and I haven't slept normally all month.

November sucks.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Pattern recognition

I'm burned out. My brain is nonfunctional. I haven't had a coherent thought for days. I've just been living off pattern recognition.

My weight have been an exact 124.6lbs for 3 days in a row I think... I can't remember anything.

Its just crazy how much time can be lost during a time where there is so much time to lose. I only work 3 days this week. I have only one day where I have to do a lot of school. I haven't been sleeping. The way I see that schedule I see tons of time to do anything but I haven't done anything with that time. I've eaten through so much of it... well maybe not eaten since I've been pretty moderate on my intake. I've been mildly upset at myself for consuming almonds lately, but I don't have much other food right now.

I'm just a huge mess right now with no brain. I hope this post reflects that.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

I never know what i feel

This should be a quick post as I'm typing on my phone.

I don't know what day anymore but i hit my lowest of 123lbs again. Except last time I was 123lbs I was wearing heavy clothes and this time it was the morning while in my underwear on a scale. Seems thematic that I'd be practicing fasting and calorie tracking much more religiously on the attempt the morning weigh in.

I fast more completely now than I ever did back then. I've learned how I don't need to be afraid of 'low blood sugar' when I fast. My energy levels feel normal most of the time.

This morning I was 126.6lbs.
It really doesn't feel like a thin weight anymore.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Resetting cirdadia

Its quite awkward how improper timing can interrupt magnificent beginnings.

When I saw my grandmother in the morning she had tears in her eyes. I thought she had seen. I thought she could see... But she was just acting out in the way she usually does against her own loneliness. She was just lonely and sad... still clueless.
Everyone is clueless. As they should be.

I'm clueless.

ABC has taken a break. I just don't have the drive to do it alone. I felt like I was finally going to destroy myself, but I also had so much adrenaline that I felt invincible.

I really shouldn't have gone back to eating food. I had a good thing going.

I'm just not ready for this