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Saturday, November 11, 2017

I hate November

On the first of this month my car broke down. I've been eating nonstop like a pig and I doubt I've gained or lost much. I'm struggling in school while also not advancing or declining. I've been flirting back with people I'm probably not interested in, but I'm lonely so whatever. I feel freezing cold already and I don't have many sweaters and half of my sweaters do not fit me. I work thanksgiving until like 7pm, which I'm okay with, but my family members don't like it and let their disappointment be known. I'm eating unrestricted carbohydrates and I hate how it makes me feel. I don't even know when to sign up for next semester... It might be too late already. and I haven't slept normally all month.

November sucks.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Pattern recognition

I'm burned out. My brain is nonfunctional. I haven't had a coherent thought for days. I've just been living off pattern recognition.

My weight have been an exact 124.6lbs for 3 days in a row I think... I can't remember anything.

Its just crazy how much time can be lost during a time where there is so much time to lose. I only work 3 days this week. I have only one day where I have to do a lot of school. I haven't been sleeping. The way I see that schedule I see tons of time to do anything but I haven't done anything with that time. I've eaten through so much of it... well maybe not eaten since I've been pretty moderate on my intake. I've been mildly upset at myself for consuming almonds lately, but I don't have much other food right now.

I'm just a huge mess right now with no brain. I hope this post reflects that.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

I never know what i feel

This should be a quick post as I'm typing on my phone.

I don't know what day anymore but i hit my lowest of 123lbs again. Except last time I was 123lbs I was wearing heavy clothes and this time it was the morning while in my underwear on a scale. Seems thematic that I'd be practicing fasting and calorie tracking much more religiously on the attempt the morning weigh in.

I fast more completely now than I ever did back then. I've learned how I don't need to be afraid of 'low blood sugar' when I fast. My energy levels feel normal most of the time.

This morning I was 126.6lbs.
It really doesn't feel like a thin weight anymore.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Resetting cirdadia

Its quite awkward how improper timing can interrupt magnificent beginnings.

When I saw my grandmother in the morning she had tears in her eyes. I thought she had seen. I thought she could see... But she was just acting out in the way she usually does against her own loneliness. She was just lonely and sad... still clueless.
Everyone is clueless. As they should be.

I'm clueless.

ABC has taken a break. I just don't have the drive to do it alone. I felt like I was finally going to destroy myself, but I also had so much adrenaline that I felt invincible.

I really shouldn't have gone back to eating food. I had a good thing going.

I'm just not ready for this

Friday, October 13, 2017

My way of doing it

I made a new friend. Her name is ribcage or maybe... maybe she is just another butterfly.

I don't know yet I haven't met her. But she and I started this thing called the ABC diet.

I really hope no one catches me doing this.

I'm not sure it is safe, but she is helping me. I'll do me best to survive. I'm overshooting almost every day by 100 calories just to be safe. I mean the diet probably wasn't intended for someone at my height.

I've been consistently weighing at 125lbs. This is about that time where I should be taking pictures as often as possible because even if I'm not the goal weight yet I'm close enough to look like it.

I've been having dreams where terrible things happen. Like one of the dreams I woke up and I already knew what had happened, but I looked in the mirror anyways because I needed to know the extent of the damage. I had pulled out over half of my hair and I had a fuchsia spiral rash on my scalp. Everything itched so bad that I wanted to pull out the rest of my hair. I didn't even know if I could blame myself because I apparently did most of the destruction while unconscious. I knew I'd have to shave my head because of the possibility that someone would accuse me of being anorexic.

And in another dream I was caught in the act. Someone had somehow accessed my phone even though it had the fingerprint scanner and knew where to look to find what I've been doing. Thy would see the stats on the calorie tracker app, they would interpret them, and I would have to come up with answers. And this dream kept rewinding every time I gave a reason it would rewind again and I'd have to say a different reason.

its a coping mechanism

I'm so poor I can't afford food

I can't make myself happy

This is my identity

I haven't gone deep enough

School stresses me out too much

I have a shitty job

I can't accept myself

No one else accepts me

I require more love than the world can afford

I desire things I shouldn't 

I need to be punished

I just want to die and this is my way of doing it

Friday, September 29, 2017

Who wants pictures?

Last night I was driving home and I was thinking that I don't have an eating disorder. That I'm just a wannarexic in disguise. Maybe I just want to lose the weight to prove a point, like the health teacher that ate nothing but Twinkies and other treats but still lost weight to help prove CICO. Maybe I'm just in this elaborate game of controlling myself to prove a point.

Last night I said I was going to binge with no limits set. I've been hungry for days, my weight has been slowly dropping. I deserve to finally not feel hungry again so I'll eat until I get there. I logged it all and I logged the other food I ate yesterday. Still less than 1200 calories.

Being around happy people makes me feel out of place. But I also am still in this warped position where I see my problems in every other person. I see people that can project happiness and then go home and feel empty. So in my mind most of the happiness still appears fabricated.
I remember when fabricated happiness was good enough for me. I wonder what changed.

I keep getting in the position where I've got a hold on my sleep patterns and then I do something to dissolve it all. I need to be stricter on when I sleep and how I wake up. I'm hoping to use outside motivation to achieve this. Life is too difficult to manage it all on your own.
Or maybe I'm just in a place where I know I can't solve my problems by myself and so I'm just stuck in a dependent perspective.

I've had a few minor health concerns lately. I actually got a UTI. Thank god I have this hoard of supplements. D-Mannose solves those very quickly (within 3 hours!). I had a scratchy throat thing that I resolved about 90% of the sensation within a few days of using Manuka Honey. Medicinal mushrooms were doing nothing for it. There is one thing I haven't fixed yet... my stupid sublinqual peptide has been giving me a lingering taste... I'm going to have to stop taking it sublingually for a while. I'd expect this from something that tastes like fruity wasabi.

I made the most delicious homemade pesto sauces of my life. BUT I CAN'T EAT THEM BECAUSE ITS TOO MUCH. I can't even try. Lol. I just want to sell them all. I just don't want anyone to be suspicious about me giving away food.

Besides that I've been well.
I hate school.
Nothing changes.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Clearly unfocused

I feel like I'm currently in a spiritual realm where I'm hovering between different futures.

One future I actually succeed in school but don't make progress anywhere else.

Another I start to build a business out of homemade healthy foods and end up with either a basket of experience or a stockade of items and tons of networking work ahead of me.

And the most alluring of them all... a universe where my BMI is so low that sometimes forces me into treatment.

Anyways... an adjusted BMI calculator puts me at a 16 BMI today. 185cm and 57.6kg.  I'll be getting lower.

I've been using a calorie tracker faily religiously. I've only missed 2 or 3 days since I started the tracker. MyPlate is a good app. I'm also proud that I've gotten over 100% of the fiber it recommends almost every day.

I almost haven't been working. It scares me a little because financially i worry. But I just need to stop spending money on food and I'll accomplish two things... getting thinner and not spending all my money.

I need to run today or tomorrow. But I have a lot of school work to do today. So it might not happen today. (probably will not happen even though I feel like i NEED it). I'm craving running like its a frickin food group right now.

It feels too difficult to focus today. Yesterday was like that as well. I think I was like that Monday. My thoughts are like bees and I can't hear their happy song humming because all I think about is buzzing.

I don't know what will calm everything down, but I remember after waking up and weighing myself and doing the BMI calculation it felt like I started the day accomplishing something.
Can you tell I watched the 'make your bed' video where the advice given to graduating peeps was make your bed?