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Tuesday, September 19, 2017

The Day of the Sparrow

Holy fuck i messed up.

So my sister was doing me a favor and helping me organize my room. I had a minor freak out because my scale was in the center of my bed, so i hid it before she came over. And she finds the instructions for the scale instead -_-

I'm incredibly stupid. Lets get this straight.
This is the closest I feel like I've been to getting caught. I'm the deepest I've been (yeah I've been a lower weight, but never as devoted or confident... before it was automatic... now my mind is clear and my body isn't even in the pain it was in before). I've had these thoughts and habits for years without my family knowing for sure. And I might have just given away a huge clue tonight. A clue that makes you not even question if I'm TRYING to lose weight.

Because before I used to be able to make excuses, but now it blatantly looks like I'm guilty and of course I am.

I went the whole day without food until I went to my parent's house. And funny enough they made a meat entree so i conveniently couldn't eat any of it. I ate broccoli without complaints and talked about my healthy eating habits. LOL. HEALTHY.
Anyways I put up a good facade. I've been doing so for years. I feel like my identity was dormant for so long as I lived healthfully under my parent's roof. I'm not there anymore. I get to fast. I shall wither into bones. My damn thighs will get skinnier than my knees.

So I've messed up.
But I don't think I'll be going to treatment yet. I think the earliest that could happen is... February. And I don't see it happening then. I'd imagine I'll be sent in August of 2018. But this is just baseless predictions.

I keep forgetting to mention this very important detail of today. I ran during a fasting period. I ran without food in my system. Its actually the first time I've done that without feeling like I was going to faint. I feel like I've begun to master fasting.

Damn I need to cut this short and sleep.

I feel so busy all of a sudden.

I might post my calorie tracking.
I also have a rant due about calories in and calories out. If I do that rant I'll probably post body checks to reinforce my ideas.

Why even read this blog?

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Who do you trust

My height is 6'1'
I'm sure this scale is wrong and is putting my weight too low.

But do you trust me or do you trust this machine?

Saturday, July 29, 2017

What color is silver?

I had a successful fast on a day where my friend I was fasting with did not.
But its not her fault that she couldn't do it.

I want to talk about my success here. It was a hard day to fast just because of the sheer amount of activity that day required me to do. I felt like the next day I had a bit of lightheadedness. But even though I was already eating again on Thursday something that could explain my mental state is that I was eating Keto. I just didn't want to waste some food so I broke keto this morning.

Its incredibly surprising to me that people live without knowing what ketosis is. The dictionary that spellchecks for blogger doesn't recognize it as a word either so its understandable.

Keto is so wonderful. Its just hard to do while vegetarian.
I rarely mention it but my diet is pretty dang vegetarian.

I need to see how keto athletic feels. Like how does it feel to exercise while in ketosis?
Its crazy to me how much I haven't done to my body yet. Like I'm so caught up in everything I'm currently looking at that I don't even feel like I have time to consider what tattoo I'd want.

I've been snarky at work. People deserve it.
I wonder if anyone looks at my behavior and sees it in the perspective that they might deserve my snark. Most people probably don't feel like they ever deserve anyone being even 1% rude to them.
But I'll let you know... people that treat me well reap the rewards. I show appreciation in any way I can. And I even attempt to show appreciation in ways I'm not supposed to sometimes. As respectfully as I can at least...

Sometimes people ask me questions that I'm not qualified to answer.
Want to know a silly one
What color is colloidal silver?
Look it up yourself. You'll find if you dig deep enough some sources will say it should be clear and some say when the potency is high enough it should be brownish.
But when something gets sensationalized as a sellable product with competing companies its hard to know what the textbook answer is all of a sudden.

The amount of people in California that believe 'cancer cannot survive an alkaline environment' so they need to drink high pH water is ridiculous.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Thin blood

What do you do when you run out of willpower?

You give in.
The amount that you care tanks and self esteem plummets with it.

But eventually life goes back to normal. Regret settles in. And then everything has to be rebuilt.

I feel like sleep cycles help predict these patterns.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Cause of Death

From Tuesday 3pm till thursday morning I fasted.

I did a mini road trip.

People that are afraid of fainting when fasting just haven't taken good enough care of their body. When you get proper nutrients your body performs the same on a fast. In fact you get a mild stimulatory effect. So even though the traffic was boring and I didn't get quite as much sleep as I wanted Wednesday I was alert enough to drive 6 hours.

Then today... well if today wasn't planned it would have been considered a failure. I've eaten plenty today.

My average for the past few days should be pretty low. I should be calorie deficient. And as long as I'm consistent I lose weight. If I'm not then well... It doesn't matter. If I keep trying I will succeed.

To the bone is out very soon. By the time people read this post it should be out.

Something you'll notice about the movie that they got right was the use of a powerful mantra to starve.
Its because willpower is easier to achieve when you have something to use as a foundation. If you have a principle or idea that idea can be stronger than the survival instinct to eat if you drill it in deep enough.

Its why I repeat myself so damn much. I'm trying to strengthen my mantra to beat my survival.

Can someone put that as my
Cause of death

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

The most difficult question

I did something based off the emotion love that was an expression of hatred...

There was a stranger on the internet that was 'coaching' girls on anorexia. I hated him so much I wanted to trace his location so I could hunt him down and kill him. He would brag about how he sent ~30 girls in Inpatient and had 5 or so die.
I was willing to devote my life to his ending if I needed to. I don't like what he did.

But what I did today... for the reason that I cared... verged on coaching. I need to not do that, even if I trust the maturity of the person I'm talking to. Even if I adore them and they really want me to give them a little push. I can't let myself actually do it. I will not be that kind of predator.

A friend of mine is angry at his father over a video his father shared with him. This video was actually shared by the dad years ago and with the same basic message of "hey look its you" because the video is talking about how much of a loser the subject is.
Emotions cause people to react before they interact.
What does that even mean...

This fast was started at 3pm today and will last until Thursday morning unless a medical emergency occurs. And um... I'm going to attempt something only an imbecile would do on Friday. But I can't tell you yet. I'll let you know if I succeed, but hopefully I fail Friday's endeavor for my health.

When you act before your mind has sorted out the proper relationship of events you can get blindsighted by the only emotion you had time to have.
When time is given to feel a spectrum of emotion its easier to use reason.

My friend wants to abandon his current sanctuary under his father just to teach his father not to be emotionally abusive. And I suggested he show gratitude instead.

Why would you show gratitude to a parent that sees you as the stay at home loser in the basement?

I said because if you show gratitude now you'll never do this to your own children. If you can fight bullying by your own dad with kindness then you'll be a better dad because of it.
Its a tough call to make.

Also has anyone ever wondered... who could you safely ask this question: What would you do if your friend- who you thought was so strong- turned out to be suicidal all along?

It might be the most difficult question to find a person to ask...
That won't
Think its about me.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

What counts

There are advantages to fasting. I don't know them all, but personally it feels good to not have to log anything mentally and I feel secure that I'm making progress. I'll feel lighter all day. I personally have plenty of energy most of the time and my sleep feels better. The break my digestive system receives is both an upside and a downside but that doesn't matter. I don't have to spend money on food. Ketosis is basically guaranteed. Blood sugar evens out (usually).

But usually I get to a point where I'm stupid and weak. I can't think as clearly and my muscles advertise their limits to me.
Still... you don't need to be smart to be successful in life. So I can usually do all that I need to when I'm fasting.

I broke my fast this morning with a coffee flavored plant protein that is going to expire this month and a fiber supplement. The fiber supplement says 20 calories but... like its all fiber? Doesn't that mean its not digested?
Or is it like potato starch, which is praised for its 'resistant starches', but is mostly (maybe this one isn't mostly) digestible carbohydrates. I don't know yet, but I'm hoping a damn college education in nutrition at least involves me in where to find out this sort of information.
I think its ridiculous that we have been alive as humans for so long and haven't figured out that much about the food around us. Granted the processed food wasn't there to study for the longest time, but the older stuff like apples and watermelon should be understood a lot more than they are.

Ranting about food... lol will I ever stop thinking about food?

All that matters is that I'm consistent