I guess I'm just hoping for something to turn up for me.
Thoughts are like water.
If you hold a glass half empty at first you don't feel the weight. But if you held that glass for entire day its weight would strain your arm. The same goes for these thoughts that strain my form.
How am I to ever love myself if I always hold these thoughts in my mind. How did they get there? Why can't I just pour them out?
There is a friend of a friend that I find interesting. Because she gets sad too. And while she has a boyfriend I'm not sure they talk about it. I don't think she talked about it with her previous boyfriend, and when it did come up that was why he left her. All of the friends that I had between me and her said she went crazy.
I guess thoughts can do that to a person. If you hold them long enough. If you are afraid of what might break when you drop them.
Or if they hurt.
My life has progressed to the point where I am completely turned off to alcohol. I don't even like it when others around me drink* (to get drunk). Because its idiotic.
The reason for people drinking is even dumber to me. I've asked a few people, and while this might not be true for all people every person I have asked says they drink for the same exact reason.
Freedom. To be the person they think they are. To gain the confidence to be someone they can't be when sober. To escape being boring and mundane.
And when I see them drink, then buzz, then flop around and get sick I ask if they accomplished what they set out to do.
In my opinion they didn't, but alcohol is a great deceiver.
When you drink it you think you can walk straight, but you can't even walk.
You think your flirting is so smooth, when you can't talk or type worth anything.
You think it makes you funny, when you have the coordination of a newborn.
Maybe I don't know how to enjoy life.
I don't care.
I'm not even living.
Even when I'm having a good time I want this to end.
And yet I have this competitive spirit that keeps me alive. I don't know what is wrong with me... Honestly I don't wAnt to be cured. I want the opposite. I want to feed and nurture my illness. I want the sadness to consume me. If I went deep enough I could feel lonely no matter what. I could have the perfect companion and I could watch them struggle to keep me above water when I would have no choice but to drown.
That would be some sweet revenge.
I'm so useless. I wish it were different. I'm trying to lock myself away so no one has to see me. Know me...
I don't feel like my secrets are safe during this time of the year.
No one know this yet: that I want to die.
But how long can I live like this; how sick can I get, before this cannot continue.
5 Mandarins today. That is my rations. At least I have food today... And tomorrow I tend to have nothing.
For the most part I try to eat; I'm just so afraid of food because it costs money and I don't have money.
If I could afford food...
I'd like nachos
Portabello mushrooms for every entree
I'd try this interesting pumkin ice cream recipe I found
I might feel alright about thanksgiving.
I hate thanksgiving.
I wish I could just eat popcorn and not worry about family or having to prepare something special.
Popcorn is probably one of my favorite foods. I mean I can afford the seeds, its easy to make and has practically no calories. I think the weight loss is some evidence of that, because I eat a whole bowl of popcorn sometimes andwhile my body feels like it has eaten I've probably consumed less calories than if i ate an apple.
Not totally sure on that though...
And yet microwave popcorn is a fear food.
I'm just not getting better...
I tried one of those organic soup cartons while i was sick. I didn't refrigerate it after opening and phooey it ruined the leftovers. I actually like those.
Hm... and by like I mean its one of those foods I want to eat.
Its weird... most of the time not wanting to eat, then sometimes wanting it. I'm pretty sure I think about food all the time, but sometimes I am in a look but don't touch mood.
I need some progress.
I hate haircuts. That happened too.
Some people need to be happy to live. I just need things to do. I need work.
Alright so I'm looking quite a bit fragile. Like I'd love to show you, but you have to bear with me. The bones on my back are really showing. The rest of me looks fine honestly. If anything I look like I usually do; which is fit.
So the short story of today is that I was asked for a survey what my height and weight are. And then, this is college so the people taking this survey weighed us to see how close we were to our guesses. I was 20 lbs off. I'm honestly at my lowest weight. I'm also dreaming cold, but I also ate all I care to for this night. I feel like I'm actually going to gain weight because I are a cliff bar and god those things are calories, but it's cool I could use a little weight. Not gonna freak about it, just Jesus I wanna stay away if I want to get eve lighter, which now that I am thinking about it would be pretty cool. I doubt with being over 6 feet tall I can ever skim close to 100 lbs but if I try I might get really close.
I have been told that I never fell in love. I have been told that I have no future because of my low grades in school. I have been told that I am going to die from Anorexia.
I might never have been in love, but I'll show you how perfection is achieved.