The kind of things i say

I'm going to be donating bone marrow in two days. I look forward to it not because I'm going to be giving some 12 year old in desperate need a piece of me (the reality is that he could still die with my marrow), but because I'll be losing a whole liter of weight.
Now all the people in the organizations running this show wanted to be extremely cautious with me. I tested Anemic in 2 separate blood tests before the surgery was scheduled and I recently got over an incredible sickness (I say incredible because I lost probably 3lbs and was so sick I could hardly stand or sleep). And since then I haven't had all the symptoms disappear.
It sounds like the surgery should be postponed, BUT lucky me... The kid I'm giving to really needs the bone marrow as soon as possible.
So horray!
I really hope that this proceedure weakens me significantly enough that I get as drastically sick post-operation as I was last month.
That is what I want for Chrstmas.


I think I'm suicidal











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stay beautiful

Other options

I didn't fail the Iron test today.
Giving blood to myself... isn't there something disgusting and selfish about that? I donated blood today so I could give it to myself.

On an unrelated note I hope I die from the surgery.

I talked to people today.
I smiled at a lot of people today.
I hate myself...

I can't escape feeling like shit for being 'happy'. Its not happy. Not when I have so much to do. And I confessed my eating disorder to my Nutrition professor. She volunteered to give me until AFTER the class is over to turn in my diet analysis because I sent her an email telling her it is slightly triggering and I'm trying hard to pull through it.
I'm just a wimp.

I fear I'm going to fail Chemistry. I can demonstrate the purpose of the labs with my eyes blindfolded, well you don't need your eyes to find the purpose of the experiments... but I thought I'd say that. I at least know my chemistry. It is evident in the tests. Who knows... I might yet get pity points in my Chemistry class and pass. I doubt it. I'll likely get the F I deserve.
I'm not afraid to die.

But that's regular news. Nothing new. Its not like I have never failed a class before. I have failed many times. But I wasn't talking about classes there. I was talking about myself. I've failed myself thousands of times and I'm still alive.
It is almost irrelevant that I don't care if I go early.

Finals always puts me in this mood.
I just feel like the word infers some kind of end and I never think of ending learning. When finals are through I read books and research whatever random thing absorbed me at the tail end of my classes. I'm likely to research nuclear programs and metaphysics and Dawkins. Just to see...
But I have surgery to worry about for a few days of break.
I should really try to get back into video games... I think of suicide less when I think more of what character I'm going to choose and what approach I'm going to take.
But its nice to be in the world of the living.


Lots more options here.


stay beautiful

From my Frame

I'm so cruel. I can't watch fat people without wondering how they ever got to be so fat. I wonder why they haven't tried to lose weight.
From my frame of reference losing weight is just about the point of living.


stay beautiful

Wanting to rename this blog

Some updates.
More failures.
Audition lead to not making a spot. In fact I was asked what the point of auditioning was because I was so unimpressive. And I knew that would happen. But something in me told me it was worth trying for. I needed to try for something for my own sake...

I lost a considerable amount of weight. A grand total of 2 lbs.
Sad huh? Well... I hit the barrier; I climbed the fence into unhealthy practices. I got Anemic. Formal diagnosis. I actually got iron supplements as a prescription. Isn't that cool? I'm showing a symptom of the greater disease. My true metal self, along with the bones under the flesh, is starting to reveal itself.
I want to be diagnosed... But I don't even feel good enough for that.


I volunteered a long time ago to have my DNA registered for bone marrow donation. Turns out I'm a match for a 12 year old. A serious match. And even though I am Anemic I get to give my bone marrow. Exciting...
Want to know what one of my favorite parts about this is? I'll be losing a liter of bone marrow. That is a liter of weight gone for a while. I'll lose weight. Not the fat I want to lose... not the muscles that I could lose to look better in some places, but at least the number will go down.

What else is new?
Over this period of no updates I turned in my applications. I might just be declined for the places I applied to.
And when I've failed at that what do I do? Where do I turn? I've spent too much time already in community college, studying almost nothing. I've been taking all the wrong classes for the career path I want. But I don't care what I do with my career. I can do anything. I'm strong. I'm resourceful. I know how to make people happy.
Something else that changed... I only use one space after a period. I notice it.

I also want to rename this blog.
I don't know what to...

For 3 days I've eaten a regular diet. This disturbs me...
I went for weeks without a regular day. Maybe that is what I was spending all my time doing...
I might have gained a pound back.
I can feel my heart working harder... but I'm not getting anywhere.
At least there is the future to look forward to.
December 15th is the day I donate my bone marrow


stay beautiful

How to be a board member

I returned from a 3 day trip today.  Something about a reward for the service hours I've done... and everyone else on this 3 day retreat did.  Some community service organization.
I wonder how this organization really does exist.  Where does the money come from?  What do the higher ups look like?  What did it take to give all of us the cheering, feasting, workshoping weekend we had.
And it snowed.
In barely Northern California... snow is a big deal.  I live about 4 hours away from the retreat.  Others present lived 12 hours away.  In the same state.  California is big...

Snow isn't as cold as I remember it being.  Maybe it was just that place, but the snow there fell like powdered sugar.  The snowflakes would catch in the hair of all the girls and for a full second before it melted you could see its exact shape; every unique crystallization.
There was so much beauty there.

And yet... it does nothing to heal me.  It just makes the two things always on my mind move closer to the front.
I need to work harder.
I need to get thinner.


I felt as if I didn't deserve to meet all the people I saw there.  Too many happy people.
Too many people on the way to success... I don't see how I get to stay in the same place as them.  I feel humiliated when I think about what I am and where I come from.

Low GPA
Community College
struggling at that...
Working a job that was practically handed to me.
And still so poor I'd die if I weren't still under the roof of my parents.

I haven't run in a while.
I liked how in the past I could at least say to myself that I know I can run.  At least I can run.
Now all I can say is that I used to be able to run; that isn't good enough.



So... I'm no longer good enough.
I need to progress.



stay beautiful

Fool

I looked at my written diary- written a few years ago.  2007-2008.
Its not the best way to get to know me.
At all



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I just noticed you

No one is here to take your call

I'm so sorry people...
I missed a call during my chemistry class today.  It probably has something to do with the lab that I couldn't do yesterday.  It might have something to do with the new appointment I have that is now 3 hours from where I live.  I hope that is a joke.
Supposedly a 12 year old boy needs my bone marrow soon.

But this isn't my top priority is it?
NO.
There is no such thing as a priority.
We invent priorities.
School is not more important than fun.  That paper is not more important than a night of sleep.  We determine it is because we are afraid of what happens when we fail assignments and fail classes.  Dropping school can be a wonderful thing.  I'm not doing it because school is a state of comfort for me.  Its an environment filled with learning; something I thrive with and suffer without.  I like school.  I don't need it.  I mostly like school because I can socialize; or hope to socialize with people.  People ask me scholarly questions.  Things they won't say in layman life.  People will understand the context of whatever I'm saying; be it proteins, lipids, carbohydrates in organic chemistry and nutrition and biology.  I go to school to seek acceptance from people.
Without school I feel people don't want to know me.
They think I'm too smart.
Too thin.

You know what I am?
Too alone

and that is why I seek out you

I can't really get along with anyone.  I can talk to anyone.  I can say hi, but its meaningless words.  I tend to point that out because I want to get to the point where we talk about something real.  I tend to forget people care about small talk.  Or I tend to not care about it myself and I'm confounded as to why others care about it at all.
I need someone I can rant to.  Someone that can reply.
NO.
I don't need anyone.
I can suffer alone.

If I want the suffering to go away
      I need someone that can help me

I want to do something to this world.
Regardless of whether or not I get help I want to help other people.


I don't hate you. 
I just wish you cared about me like I care about you




stay beautiful
stay beautiful