I plan to weigh myself this November sometime and possibly post some pictures. I'm a bit sad about it because at one point I was really thin again, but I lost it... I had bruises from sleeping my body was so weak.
My body has gotten tired of fighting the poison oak. I can feel it. My lungs ache from this battle and while my head tells me I am starving I can't eat any more. I've got no time for digestion.
I keep waking up after 4 or so hours of sleep from the rash. Both arms, and armpit, forehead, left ear, left knuckle, hips, inner thighs, balls, dick, and right eyelid.
I've gained a few insights from this. I believe acne treatment helps solve it. Tonight is the night I'm trying, as acne treatment is meant to pull the oils out of the face and poison oak is an oil, something like a 22 chain carbon compound. It absorbs through the skin slowly because of its size, but so heavily nonpolar that water will slide off it like... Well there isn't much in the ways of nonpolar commodities for comparison. In two days it will have been a week of suffering.
I know what the dashes spell out for your blog name.
I felt I had to make a post because there is something bothering me. But I doubt it will cease to bother me until my memory neglects it long enough to let the forgetting pick it up.
The position of acceptance for a female in society is so largely based on her weight. A fat girl has so fewer doors open to her on boyfriend she can get if she wants one. If she just changes her weight without changing anything else the world opens up to her.
In my own mind I just keep wishing girls could never get fat.
I think I am as shallow as the next guy. But I like to blame my mental illness on why I am that shallow. I have tried to be intimate with a person who had a body i did not agree with or lust for. It was dizzying even if i admired the character and facial features. I honestly felt like purging. I could go on to explain every symptom of my discomfort, but I feel it is simply sufficient to say the reaction was a whole-scale physiological rejection. I can't control how my body feels or if my autonomous nervous system wants to activate fight or flight or release bile.
And I'm deeply sorry for that. I feel terrible.
Hopefully at the very least I can cover up these feelings to only myself being affected.
I have been told that I never fell in love. I have been told that I have no future because of my low grades in school. I have been told that I am going to die from Anorexia.
I might never have been in love, but I'll show you how perfection is achieved.