Break them both

 Its always about my weight. And when I was in the hospital I was 119lbs again (6'1" height).

 

I've held dear a perspective of desiring to be the good guy. Sometimes I'll do the noble thing when it hurts and I feel nothing but desire to divulge in my devil just because I want to be the good guy. I'm definitely not convincing myself with that act. I'm just marinating myself in innocence sauce in front of others. 

Can you believe I spent 6 days in the hospital?

 

Hospital food is criminal. I wanted to puke it just to give them a lesson at how unbearable it is. I don't need luxury, but I don't want to feel like I'm being tortured into being cured. I hope prisons have better food honestly. 

Quarantine is easier when I feel like I deserve to be lonely. I get to self indulge in emotional turmoil freely. Its just a great excuse to backtrack on progressing to feel better. 

Do I really want to feel better?

Or am I just avoiding pain?

One of the more entertaining parts of my discharge is that I was given iron pills for anemia, but then I was given 5 laxatives for the constipation of the iron. My shit was black for at least 5 days from those pills. And they kill my hunger. But I didn't take any of the laxatives. Because you don't need those if you eat vegetarian the way I do.

Still... the greatest hunger suppressant for me is heartbreak. I broke someone else's heart, and it recoiled back to me. Its so strange to me how even though I feel sensation-less I look back at the feeling and crave it. Something about being so emotionally numb that I physically feel like I'm swallowing krypton makes me feel as though this is peak lifetime experience. When I'm so upset that my brain runs in circles so fast I feel oxygen deprived enough to drown on air. Its like skydiving, but also landing without a parachute over and over and over. 

I did that to someone else... and also to myself. Its only fair right?

I'm sure I'm not even sorry and I'd do it again if I was given a chance. I even think I deserve another chance. 

I think about my hospitalization over and over... and I'd break them both again if given the chance.