Updates

I missed a lot of updates. Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday had a 36 hour fast somewhere in there.

Then wednesday I visited my parents and ate everything they gave me to make it look like I'm giving an honest effort to gaining weight.
Holy I ate a lot.

My sister has been treating me with suspicion. I don't know if she knows about this blog. Probably not. I'm probably just being paranoid.

I went to the dentist and he said something strange to me. He told me my teeth show signs of acid reflux.
I don't get it.
I don't purge and I hardly ever suffer from indigestion. I eat fairly balanced or minimal usually and never display discomfort.

Honestly its probably kombucha lol.
I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE kombucha.


I told everyone in my life I would be doing something important today. I haven't done it and I wont do it. Its too late now. But I have plenty of time. Sometimes that reason is the reason it doesn't get done though.

Like this room. I basically live in a swamp of stuff I've been hoarding. Because I don't need to clean I I don't clean it. Ugh... I'm disgusting.

Shadows

When is the proper time to cut someone out of your life?

Do they have to insult your pride? Or steal from you? Wrong you? Choose someone or something else over you?

I feel like I almost always go back if I can.
Its when I can't go back that I no longer do...


So do I even have the slightest experience losing someone I should have gotten rid of?


Well... In a way I have. But I still think about them. I still think about people I didn't mean to ever lose contact with. Some of you might still read this blog. I'm sorry. It happens. I probably need new relationships anyways.
Yet if I met you I feel like I'd be a new person this time. I know I don't feel the same.


I keep having this one thought... and it feels like the perfect thought to be having.
I'll never lose weight unless I don't eat now

June rant

Am I accountable?

I've never had the strength of sticking to a schedule all the way. Its my history. But I should be able to change.
What will I change into?


I've noticed more strangers touching me lately. Usually a hand on my shoulder to say thank you a bit more intimately. Yet instead of intimacy I feel malice. Why? Because why the heck are people touching me?

As much as I want human contact I want CONSENTUAL human contact. I want to be a consenting party. I don't want to be touched by random people.

Not when I'm worried that strangers might be concerned for my health when I'm probably healthier than they are. I mean deep down I believe my fasts are perfectly healthy and the food I eat is perfectly fine. It probably all is. I feel like the fat person in the anorexic chats. Yet at the same time I'm always looking for the person with the higher starting weight. I want to feel good about the fact that I'm still 133lbs and can't progress. I want to feel like I'm getting ahead.


Its going to take time. And its going to hurt.

Day by day

Yesterday was a bad day. Almost 2000 calories when I estimated it out.

Two days ago was another fast.

Today was okay.


I probably average 1000 calories a day and I'm just not very comfortable much higher than that.

No memory fast

I just finished re-feeding after a 24 hour fast.

The fast went well. I did absolutely nothing today, besides pace out a few episodes of Sword Art Online to finish the series. I have to say I liked it.

I also took a nap at 9pm. I was hoping I'd just sleep until 5 am or something, but alas I woke up at 10pm. So I might not sleep for a while.
Shoutout to f.lux for helping my computer not keep me awake quite as long as it could. F.lux is a blue light reducer program that helps keep high frequency light away so sleep is easier to achieve.


Today was hot. But maybe I have reptilian blood because the heat energized me. The temperature was over 100F and I wore all black. I'll admit all black was a mistake. Not only because of the way the sun treats me when I wear all black, but also because mono black attire tends to make strangers colder towards me. I had a few awkward conversations started that probably would have been easiest if I wore green or another bright color today.

I was glad on not actually being hungry. Whenever I fast and am hungry I feel like I'm dying.
Contrary to the theme of this blog I probably do not want to die.


I still hate pictures of my body. I look like nothing is wrong with me. And maybe I'm too careful and therefore nothing is wrong with me. But I want to be different. I don't want to be normal.
I'm also a pearly color. I'm not a huge fan of that either.



This week has been a disaster. I probably will not talk about it much because its nothing worth creating memories about. Just a boring week.

I've noticed that I don't remember things without landmarks. I need an interesting topic to pull me in. If nothing unusual or worth pursuing comes along everything that passed through my mind will pass. And thus I probably will not remember this fast.

The dangers of being full

There are advantages to adhering to principles that limit. One of my favorite popular idols is famous for coining "restrictions breed creativity." Not much of the world will understand the implications of that statement but once you live through it its understandable.

There is also a legitimacy to denying yourself happiness. Because sometimes something will make you so happy that it leaving will crush you. And thats why I returned. I mean just look at the damn trend. Look at what happens in movies or life when someone falls in love and then does risky business to keep the love instead of losing it. Would they have ever put everything on the line before they knew the happiness or potential thereof?


This is the danger of inspiration.
You can become desperate which can either destroy rationality or break something that was never broken in the first place. Of course there probably is the possibility of everything working out... But sometimes everything working out is just another failure in disguise.


You do not realize how dangerous satisfaction is.







Until you look back and see what it destroyed.

normal

Sharing information isn't always easy.

Do I tell you that there are 7 years between us or do I tell you that I fall in love if you meet a certain standard of beauty and you exceed that? When I choose the first I pull away from a relationship and if I choose the other I embrace it.

I honestly
do not want to embrace anything.
Not while pursuing destruction... Painless... destruction.


What is the least painful way to die? Have you ever asked that question? Have you ever shared all the answers you tried to think of with another person? When you share that information what did you not say that you had the opportunity to?
You know how limited time is when your actions destroy future opportunities.


Maybe I've killed my chances.





Interesting contrast: sometimes the topic of another person's body comes up in an eating disorder forum or from someone recovered or having an eating disorder. Often when its a female she will tell the other person how beautiful or thin they are. As an observer you can see that the person giving the compliment can often times be thinner and even likely prettier.
I have no such veil over my eyes. I see people how they are. There are flaws in every person. Sometimes the flaws dwell in the shadow of perfection and those people can capture the hearts of strangers or the mind of a dreamer.

I see myself and I look normal. I can't STAND looking normal.

This is why I change.

Just vague enough

Do I want to be sad?


I'm not sure. I think I do want to be sad. I think depression is normal... and deep. I somehow believe only sad people matter.
Maybe I just don't know anything else.

I'm hungry. I've been eating and I'm hungry all day.
Pickles are zero calories. They are a godsend. I love pickles.



Happiness really does feel like its just outside of my reach like Tantalus with the water and fruits. All I want to do is find contentment in the punishment... in the tantalization.

Everything is going to change
I'll never be ready.

Winning

I've been in a sour mood still. Its interesting because the more emotion i pour into this the worse my life is perceived to be by myself. If I just let it go everything is all right.

Some things are very important to some people.

I've been focused lately on what people desire. Been justifying actions of others and the bulk of society by saying something as simple as if people want it then it happens. Then i forget to apply this to myself. I forget to look inside and see what I want and why I'm not getting it.

I asked a girl for her number today. She declined and told me she has a boyfriend. Did I act timid when I walked away? Because I was actually happy to hear that. I just wanted somebody beautiful to look at and I was hoping she was sad and lonely like me. When I heard the tone of her voice... it sounded like she was so sorry to be happy in front of me. It made me happy to have an opportunity to let her live her life without ever letting me contact her again.

Happy?

I don't know how to find the most fitting words for most of my emotions.

I live with 4 guys. Currently 2 of them are having stomach issues and I've been issued some expired probiotic samples. Because they are probiotics I feel protected, but because they are expired I don't know if I should share. I actually had trouble just earlier today. But I'll either be cured quickly or be sick for a day or two and lose weight. Either way i win.

Maybe instead of saying I was happy I should have said I felt like I won to be able to walk away so easily.

Still I haven't won everything.

I hate how people wish me the best from afar.

And yet its totally out of their control or mine. In fact most of these well wishes just make my heart ache more. I wish people knew how I want to be treated like I'm fragile.

I treat others the same.

Oh i just remembered. I had magnesium and that tends to give me too loose of stools just because of how little material I eat in a day. That would explain why I don't feel sick.

Today I ate

Avacado

3 probiotic shots

Kombucha

Sandwich

Guac

Beet Chips

4 squares of stevia sweetened chocolate

Not much solid food.

Worked a bunch at work, yet still wasn't organized with my productivity. I don't think I'm going to improve dramatically in that for a while.

And of course didn't go to sleep until the morning.

I haven't been able to sleep until 4am-6am and then I've been waking up around noon. It only hinders my life a little. I really want to be able to sleep earlier and wake up to enjoy the morning, but I can't right now.

I dropped a pound. I've been attempting to go keto, but I'm not entirely tryhard on it.

Question now is... Should I fast Tuesday or friday or saturday next week? Maybe 2/3 days? I really enjoyed my fast on Thursday.

Enjoyed?

Maybe I just felt like I won something.

Awake too late

I woke up refreshed. Empty.

I'd like to add I felt no need to masturbate. That's always one of the pluses of fasting in my eyes. I don't have to waste time or emotion attempting to be loved or love myself. I'm already in the process of perfecting myself.

Just changing helps. When you feel terrible it really does help to change something. With change comes sacrifice of course, which is probably why the general public hates to change so much. Even something as simple as the somewhat recent change of California law where plastic bags are no longer used at grocery stores was met with a ton of initial resistance. Because people didn't want to sacrifice their time and effort to use recycle bags... Silly when you look at it now. Back then some people thought it was important.

What I think is important might seem suicidal to others. Maybe impossible for those that haven't seen much of the world. But I know its possible. I know the chances are slim. Its like buying a lottery ticket and not expecting to win, but expecting that if I lived forever or at the right year then I'll hit the jackpot.

Whats nice about this dream is that I'm in control of whether it happens to come true or not. Just me.
If I plan accordingly everything will be as it needs to.



My life is going to change.
I can feel it.