June rant

Am I accountable?

I've never had the strength of sticking to a schedule all the way. Its my history. But I should be able to change.
What will I change into?


I've noticed more strangers touching me lately. Usually a hand on my shoulder to say thank you a bit more intimately. Yet instead of intimacy I feel malice. Why? Because why the heck are people touching me?

As much as I want human contact I want CONSENTUAL human contact. I want to be a consenting party. I don't want to be touched by random people.

Not when I'm worried that strangers might be concerned for my health when I'm probably healthier than they are. I mean deep down I believe my fasts are perfectly healthy and the food I eat is perfectly fine. It probably all is. I feel like the fat person in the anorexic chats. Yet at the same time I'm always looking for the person with the higher starting weight. I want to feel good about the fact that I'm still 133lbs and can't progress. I want to feel like I'm getting ahead.


Its going to take time. And its going to hurt.