Winning

I've been in a sour mood still. Its interesting because the more emotion i pour into this the worse my life is perceived to be by myself. If I just let it go everything is all right.

Some things are very important to some people.

I've been focused lately on what people desire. Been justifying actions of others and the bulk of society by saying something as simple as if people want it then it happens. Then i forget to apply this to myself. I forget to look inside and see what I want and why I'm not getting it.

I asked a girl for her number today. She declined and told me she has a boyfriend. Did I act timid when I walked away? Because I was actually happy to hear that. I just wanted somebody beautiful to look at and I was hoping she was sad and lonely like me. When I heard the tone of her voice... it sounded like she was so sorry to be happy in front of me. It made me happy to have an opportunity to let her live her life without ever letting me contact her again.

Happy?

I don't know how to find the most fitting words for most of my emotions.

I live with 4 guys. Currently 2 of them are having stomach issues and I've been issued some expired probiotic samples. Because they are probiotics I feel protected, but because they are expired I don't know if I should share. I actually had trouble just earlier today. But I'll either be cured quickly or be sick for a day or two and lose weight. Either way i win.

Maybe instead of saying I was happy I should have said I felt like I won to be able to walk away so easily.

Still I haven't won everything.

I hate how people wish me the best from afar.

And yet its totally out of their control or mine. In fact most of these well wishes just make my heart ache more. I wish people knew how I want to be treated like I'm fragile.

I treat others the same.

Oh i just remembered. I had magnesium and that tends to give me too loose of stools just because of how little material I eat in a day. That would explain why I don't feel sick.

Today I ate

Avacado

3 probiotic shots

Kombucha

Sandwich

Guac

Beet Chips

4 squares of stevia sweetened chocolate

Not much solid food.

Worked a bunch at work, yet still wasn't organized with my productivity. I don't think I'm going to improve dramatically in that for a while.

And of course didn't go to sleep until the morning.

I haven't been able to sleep until 4am-6am and then I've been waking up around noon. It only hinders my life a little. I really want to be able to sleep earlier and wake up to enjoy the morning, but I can't right now.

I dropped a pound. I've been attempting to go keto, but I'm not entirely tryhard on it.

Question now is... Should I fast Tuesday or friday or saturday next week? Maybe 2/3 days? I really enjoyed my fast on Thursday.

Enjoyed?

Maybe I just felt like I won something.