A calling

 Deaf people will tell you that being deaf is not a disability. 

There are many people with hearing that do not want to imagine living life 'without' music. 

I personally view mental illness not being a disability the same way that deaf people regard inability to hear as not being a disability.

Sure... I have whole days I waste away.

Sometimes I waste because I purposely didn't refuel. Sometimes its wasted because I spent all my mental energy convincing myself a normal meal is something I deserved today. Sometimes I just dont have motivation. I'm sure normal people are like this.

Just like how people that adore music don't want to imagine a world without it: I do not like imagining a world where I do not feel as alive. I get too much purpose from breaking myself.

I love waking up early. I'm often in such a rush I dont eat. I'm stuck doing whatever I'm doing so I dont eat. And by the time most of my waking day is gone I can have a meal and it wont ever make up for my current deficit. But it also gives me as much sunshine as possible. It lets me shop before things close. I could even visit people, but I dont know how social I'll continue to be. I'm currently in a phase where I dont feel like I deserve the company of others. I feel like I have to fix particles of myself before I enjoy myself with others. I shouldn't be trusted. It is ill mannered of me to talk to others when I have no control over how poisonous I am. 

I'm sure there was more I wanted to say. But I'll leave this post here. I havent said anything, but that isn't unusual at all for me.