Arizona crossroads

 I had a good deal of time where self respect was the mantra on my mind. 

I decided that I have no self respect. If I had self respect I would be clean. I would be motivated to organize. I would want to get better. I would want and pursue companionship. I would seek to satisfy my life instead of only doing my best to suffer small. 

Others in my life have pain. But I find if I concentrate fully on their personality flaws I can dismiss their plights. I wonder if anyone can do the same to me. I can be quite an annoying person.

I'll passionately involve myself when it suits my interests. And when I'm disinterested I will swiftly drift away. 

The number for my weight when I last stepped on the scale was close to 130lbs. Thats a good normal. I mean its as good as I'm gong to get with this mental state. I keep doing one meal a day because I have no respect for my body. I could blame a lack of hunger ques, but that is just a consequence of a battle I fought long ago. A long time ago I used to anguish over how ravenous my appetite would get. And how it felt impossible to just not eat. And now its the easiest thing. Its the path of least resistance. I feel like what I learned is useful in treating eating disorders. 

When you narrow the options for comfort foods, and then you only eat comfort foods... then you end up in a situation where the comfort food isn't enough sustenance. Its difficult to have a whole cupboard with nothing but chocolate covered pretzels, but sometimes that feels like the only meal I'd allow myself to eat. 

I used to get frustrated when I saw this behavior in others. But I wanted to understand. I didn't want to combat their feelings. I just now realize I'm in the same place that they were. And its years beyond. Its like those nightmares I sometimes have where I'm forced to retake honors English 10 while I'm 29 years old at the high school I went to. Funnily enough I already retook that class once while I was a senior. 

I'd honestly have a great time, but I'd also be in hives from the embarrassment of being a full grown idiot adult in a classroom like that. 

I had a 2 minute conversation with a friend about how emotionally underwhelming near death experiences are. I never even considered my near death experience as an important event while I was experiencing it. I was honestly thinking to myself how I was sad I couldn't move, and how it was surprisingly not as painful as an ear infection or toothache.

What this conversation truly enlightened was how emotionally impactful events matter so much more than life or death. Its things like love, mental illness, the decision to abandon something that took years to build, or the decision to start something new... that ARE life and death to soul. Those are where the trauma is geographically located. 

Accidentally putting a Nintendo switch into my sock drawer was what motivated me to get a job above poverty wages while I was a student. And while I've abandoned being a student since then, my life has been more satisfying since. I think about how low I feel now, and I feel like I can look back and see a canyon behind me. 

You know what I'd love to do though?

I'd love to climb a mountain someday.