I want to quit with the subtlety. I just want to crack.
I want to be far away from the people I know. I hate them. They hate me. I want to be useful. I don't care about being happy. I don't even need a good day, i just need to accomplish something. The only thing i care about is my body and I want to break that.
I want to be thin. I want to snap. I want to be brittle. I want to break.
What good is there in me? I can't focus and therefore I cant succeed. I can't beg for help. I can't ask for what I need. I'm so freaking angry and I have... so little... to lose.
But I have no power. My threats wouldn't be worth anything because they come from a person that isn't worth anything.
I could be accepted for all of my flaws, but I don't even want that. I want to be ignored. Left alone. Put on rations.
I don't care about success. I just want out.
stay beautiful
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I want out of my current life. I'll trade you lives? I'm struggling not to break down right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm probably the worst person in the world for still just...watching you. Just waiting for the outcome of this. I can barely say anything because I know you don't want to hear from me, I know you want to be ignored, but I have the habit of checking in to see how horribly you're doing and then not doing a damn thing to even try to help. Can't even put my fucking name on this because I'm too much of a pussy.
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so sorry.
P.S. - I don't have your address, so I couldn't send the book. But it's called “Into the Wild” by Jon Krakauer.