Tense past

I remember modeling for that photoshoot.

The photographer had a bulging belly. Her assistant spoke another language. I was simultaneously struck admiring the beauty of pregnancy while swallowing disgust at the normalcy of the rest of her body. In my mind everyone should be extraordinary.
I don't remember much about the day. I remember seeing too much sky and wishing for it to be overcast as a photographer I once knew had told me overcast days did all the lighting adjustments for you and I wanted this to be perfect.
I don't remember... It was only a few seconds before they told me to take off my shirt and right away both her and her assistant we shaking their head. No... this wouldn't do. He isn't skinny enough.
So after a few pictures with the back of my neck flaring in embarrassment and my heart producing heat like a furnace with coals of anxiety... I showed them a little trick.
All the sudden it was
wow... I've never seen anyone get that thin.
Hold that right there...
And now I was getting burned with lies
LIES
I never used to be that thin. I would look in the mirror and admire how well I could pull in my own stomach, but never did I look like that.
I always wanted to though...

Its really sad that without other people to save me... with just me and all these painful memories that I have to find some way to live.
I can see I was doing what I was because I didn't want to remember my past.
I want a new life
I want to talk about the future and nothing else
I want to be buried in sleep and under blankets until this winter ends.

I don't want a past anymore



stay beautiful