Less than a body

We dream...

Something about who i am bothers me.  I feel like I changed too much, that by eating food I have lost what made me beautiful before.  If I suck in my hardest I look just like I did this time of year...  one year ago.  I've gained a lot since then, and I rationalized to myself that it was for my tuba.  I needed to be in good enough health to move around.
Last year I remember being so afraid of getting sick.  I felt like there was a disease on my fingertips and I washed my hands many times a day to try to scrub it away.  This year I feel invincible- at least from germs...

I'm dissatisfied with myself.
I always am.
Today...  I had breakfast, dinner, and milk.  I feel like I ate too much.

Part of me wants to cling to someone else who is hurting.  Part of me wants to be the person that needs someone else because I'm hurting.
I've been hunched over a lot lately.  I feel like my back is being truncated.  Strange sensation it is to cower.

I'm getting better at writing and gaming and speaking.  I might have made someone cry today (happiness), but I'm not proud of what I have done.  In my mind I don't see anything I have accomplished.  All I know is that I am unimpressed.
I always am.


I hope that tonight I can catch myself dreaming...
Dreaming of a better day



stay beautiful