A C

I must be getting thinner, it is just so darn slow...
At least the way I do things I don't get caught. But as soon as school stops I get to workout all day long. And at night I just might go out... and not make it in time for dinner. Spending money on others for Christmas sounds like a great excuse.

And today, the hunger highs were great. I was high for 3 hours of work, and it took 5 calories of green tea to break the high for a while... The day was mostly good.

I also got a vest- that is 20 pounds. I'm doing push-ups with it, I plan to walk with it sometime- and it is funny because if I wear a long sleeved shirt over the vest I look like a fat person. So I could just pretend I am a fat person on walks... How ironic huh?
And if I talk to people "yeah I'm trying to lose weight" and for once they would agree.

My family is catching on sometimes... My friends are OBLIVIOUS. I directly tell them things. They offered me food once and I was like "No thanks I'm on a diet"- and they laughed, because it was a joke. They offered again and I said "Actually, it is more of a STARVE" and I even left the emphasis on that word. They thought I was still joking, and put the food in their own mouths.

It is funny... But I will not die from this. Just get really stick thin. Because I want to- not because I have no choice.

I threw out an entire meal today... it was a good day.
Also people are rejecting me, neglecting me, and I'm pretty much going to be lonely soon. But winter break will not be bad at all because I will take walks.

I can't run in this heat (heat= sarcasm for Fucking cold).

Stay Beautiful

Possible

Good news finally. I skipped out on dinner, I made myself a plate, didn't touch it, and threw it out. I hope I don't get caught for this yet.

Also I did research of a place called the Renfrew Center. I want to be serious enough to have to go there.

Its my Thinspo right now. great huh? I downloaded a documentary on it I think, or maybe it is just a video about thin people... I don't remember. But don't blame me for my memory, I'm high... hunger. It is great.

I am rewarding myself for this. I'm so sorry... school is beating my down... and I'm not ready. But this is all I want to do right now. School hurts. It hurts. This isn't pain... this is wonder.

Today is a failure, because I can't do everything.

Stay Beautiful

Not enough

You aren't being punished
you aren't punishing yourself.

Why...?

...

You are not even trying. You lay down RELAXED. Since when do we relax?
You are listening to music. This is like a treat. I'm pressuring you to do it.

...

I'm making you think about it. There is rain outside. Just go outside as you are, and walk. It should be easy.

Walk with no shirt on? I will get so cold...

but you deserve it. And anyway... you already are cold. Cold because you ran out of energy. There is no power left in you.

It is raining harder.
It is raining harder.


Stay Beautiful

Should be somewhere

I should be working my butt off somewhere else. Right now I should be tired, and hardly rested. In pain.
But I'm home. I haven't even done anything for the school work I HAVE to try. I have to try.
I'm not ready. I am not healthy right now. And I have eaten so much. I'm just not emotionally ready for schoolwork. I don't know how. I mean... I'm going to just talk in circles- sorry- If I read words, I have a burning in my forehead. Thoughts of what I can do right now for school burn out. And I think of food. Then I try to fight and think about my body. But I can't. I can't focus. So difficult.
Right now I feel hopeless. I'm not ready for anything.

You ate lunch.
I have eaten more than that... I'm closign my eyes. I can't take this anymore.
I can't stand you. You don't have the power to do anything. What do you think I feel? You say you are tired? I'm frustrated. I'm grieving, I have to carry the regret your actions cause. Why can't you just do things right. Starve yourself. Run. Hurt. Pain will do you a lot of good.
I'm not ready.
Hell. Punish yourself.
I don't think i can.
You can. There is time. That is all you need to punish.
I'm not ready.
Neither am I.

So F-F likes someone else. Actually, after the first shock, it made me happy. I'm ashamed though, because I knew I didn't like her that much. I know that sometimes guys do what I did, they like a girl a lot just because they think she likes them. I KNOW that. And I did it. Thankfully she doesn't like me. She just wants me as a friend. Which means I don't have to feel bad about hiding this from her. I can be her friend. She won't try to stop... Actually she would if she knew. She puts a lot of care into her friendships. Although her friends do not do the same to her. I can say I like her still. It is safe. She trusts me too. All of this is wonderful, they way it worked out. It could have been worse. Especially if she likes me.
But she asked me about another guy. Told me she likes him. She said it so well. She said that she couldn't stop thinking about him, and when he leaves she wanted him to not go, and she asked me if that was how it feels to be in a crush. First, those words crushed me. But the liberated me from the cage I restricted myself to. The fear I had welded around me. I'm no longer afraid, and now I have a friend that talks to me like she does to no one else. She confides in me, and that is what I want. It sounds better than being a boyfriend girlfriend.

I'm sorry... I'm horrible.


Stay Beautiful

Cold People

I will never be cured on the inside. You can feed me anything, and as much as you like of it. And I will never be changed.

I think I lost a potential friend. I was talking to someone online about "diets" and although I have never tried the ABC diet, I alluded to it by directly saying "ABC Diet." They googled it, and were instantly repellent to me.
Would F-F do this to me? Would she demand I get help before she is near me? Am I really that sick? I'm all the sudden so sad.

Why do anorexic people get shunned? Why would you do that to someone who is in pain?
I deserve this.
But it really sucks.


I managed to binge on spinach today.
And then eat a normal meal. Bloated...

Also that Taylor guy-actor for New Moon (plays Jacob Black). I used him today as ab-spo. I might already have abs like his, but I want better. So I was aiming to get better than that punk all day. The attention he gets is mostly good. The attention I get... breaks at me.

Luky

Lucky without a c.

Well, I didn't do anything for an entire project that was a final. And I did really well on it. And I'm not fat yet. And I have audition camp this weekend and I'm feeling the vibe I'm going to make it. Even though I'm not ready at all.

I'm really lucky.

F-F is really understanding, and she is like me. She doesn't pester me ever- I would like more attention from her, but that could be dangerous because I tend to want nothing more than that- she doesn't expect too much. She gives as much as she receives. I'm really lucky to have her in my life.

I'm plain lucky. I saw a movie with the young Brad Pitt in it; that body looks like mine. I'm like the young Brad Pitt, except I'm pretty sure he was older than 18 at the time of that film. So I might be luckier.

Thanks for all this luck

Stay Beautiful

I deserve punishment

PUNISHMENT
You need to be punished.
yes.
you know what to do.
I'm sorry. I ate so much today... I was so cold.
you will know cold. Take a cold shower tonight; that is your punishment.
I will use the food. With the food I can work harder.
You are lying to me. With the food you don't have me, you are nothing but the husk of a thing you think is good enough to be human.
You are scum. Your brain is formless mush, your thoughts are immobile static, your body is fat.
I saw myself in the mirror today...
And what did you think?
I need rest.
You won't get better with rest.
okay, it was disgusting. I felt like nothing. I even looked weaker.
Do you see what happens when I leave?
But I don't think I'm ready for this.
You must be willing to accept punishment. Without that readiness, you will not be prepared to forge the greatness beyond it. Discipline requires practice. You fell out of the hunger cycle, you gave into the cold. Now you must retrace your steps, walk through the cold, back to the hunger, and taste the beauty.
Just remember Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

I'm ready.

Thinking about posting a lot

One of my friends, Watson, said tonight "now I know how it feels to be anorexic."
you don't even notice that I'm anorexic...

I volunteered at a lavishly rich party where there was caviar, and mashed potato martinis and random pies and luscious cheeses and everything rich people eat. I DIDN'T EAT A THING. And I was actually tempted... So so tempted. Watson hardly ate, but the food was so rich that it filled him up; thus the "now I know..." He said it felt like he hadn't eaten but was full.
I was empty. I hadn't eaten. I had nothing but water that whole party, spending as much or more energy than you. its hard. Being anorexic is freaking hard.

You don't know how it feels, because you can never be satisfied as an anorexic. Its always that your body needs to be thinner, or you are hungry/tempted and it is killing you, or you are empty, but you aren't normal. You are suffering from an illness.

We collected $104 of donations tonight.

A girl flirted with me tonight. She was nice. Her name is S. (I don't disclose actual names). It was pretty obvious to me... she was really nice, and sometimes she smiled too much to me and only me. You should put your best face forward, but don't focus it on me please... unless...
I want to kill the picky me. I'm tired of no one being good enough. But it is almost true.
I have seen Perfection. She is the reason why communicating with F-F halted for a time. I still have feelings for F-F. I still like her, I still romanticize about forever, and tomorrow, and just us. Perfection is a sort of an obstacle to me. When I let Perfection enter my mind... I get angry. Perfection can't be reached. I do not ever see Perfection in my everyday life. If you told me to choose between Perfection and F-F, I would choose F-F; but I know that I only want to see Perfection die. I want to see Her life end, so that I never have to think about her again.
I never have to think... that what I want... is actually out there.


She looks likes she might be one of us...

Stay Beautiful

You don't need food to give blood

Seriously you don't.

And then tonight I binged. So horrible, my mother brought home steak, and they gave me a whole one... you know I should have come up with some excuse. I don't care much for steak anymore; I love to cook it, but eating it just isn't the same. And I ate half a winter squash. same thing. Should have had half that amount.

But I communicated with F-F today. Her daily life excites me with all the boring details. A sane person would be more interested in something else with her. But it is so interesting to me how she messed up and got a zero on an assignment and knows her mother checks her grades and will get angry. My mother was never that competent with checking my grades, and so I always was hit with one huge slam when I didn't do my work.

Speaking of school... I got lucky. I had project due dates moved, and work was accomplished just enough to survive the latest of the tempest before finals. I'm afraid of my grades, but I am also confident that most of this is going to work out.

I am so fat at this moment. When i looked at myself in the mirror after eating that steak I looked like a pregnant woman (with male gonads). Sorry for the disgusting imagery there, I did think it was semi-attractive, but at the same time I was able to just hold my body a different way, pull in the abdominal muscles and standing with a straighter posture, and I looked thin again. As soon as I let go I was a slob. I'm confident I have no change. Even if I was to try to gain weight from the binge, I still have to recover from giving blood. Which was awesome. I got a free ice cream coupon, and I gave it away to a girl in my last class. I'm quite sure there is not a romantic interest for me by her. But I'm really dull to this sometimes. She thinks I am a good guy because I tell her all the time I can cook and stuff, but she is always boy crazy for someone else. I suspect no trouble from her, and even if there is something on her side... I'm not interested in her. She is tall, and blonde, blue eyes, and thin by the standards of society, but if I look at her she isn't small enough. Yes I'm cruel with my judgment, so I feel kinda bad, Because in my head I am so mean, I try to be nice in person.

Also diving into some random books I downloaded online. I'm sad... I can not find ANYTHING on Anorexia. I want a scientific paper, or a book of some kind that goes into detail about anorexia. It frustrates me how I never find anything on the subject. I am in the process of downloading a handbook on eating disorders, but I suspect it is old, mostly useless, and I will not be satisfied with it.

Gosh... my veins are so vivid right now. It must be from giving blood. I love this... I just want to give blood again.
Who knows... I might save your life! My blood is O+, I can give to lots of people!
Today, I concluded you don't need food to give blood. You just need the will to not fall asleep... the whole day long. Haha. Take care!

Stay Beautiful

November End

What are you doing?
I need to work on school.
You aren't doing that. You haven't even done anything today.
I did 300 push-ups.
300? Are you weak? Which hand are you doing them with?
I'm not doing one-armed at the moment. Why are you being so lazy huh?
School.
You know what. I'm leaving. You do your school. But when I come back. You had better be ready to die for me.
I'm always ready for that. I love you.
You need me that's what.

Body A Is Am I All

All I am is a body...

I have nothing when this is gone. If I stop working on my body I die. I am mindless, ambitionless, emotionless. If you break a bone so i can't walk I become half dead.

I have nothing to offer you but my body...

Giving blood is so important to me. But I'm having a hard time. I was so dizzy today from abstaining meals that I can't remember much. Life went by in a blur, uncordinated mess, but I'm getting thinner so it is okay.
Last night I gave myself a reward. I took a long hot shower. It was the greatest gift I could have gotten. It felt so much better than food tastes.

I love that song: Butterfly by Crazy Town. The lyrics are smooth, I wish I could talk like that.
F-F and I... I can't even think about that. I'm out of it. But I can tell you when my mind clears up she is there, until the fog covers all traces of her again. When I get into a relationship with her I hope I do not eat just to keep her in my mind. wow, that was selfish of you. I don't mean any insult to her. What I want is for her to be on my side. I would do anything to have her on my side. After all, I'm just trying to be more beautiful. I do not know... She is part of a good family. She would oppose all form of harm. I love her partly because of that.
A long time ago she found my poetry when I would write about 'the game' as I called it. I wrote about a demon torturing me. For one page I had described how the demon skinned my hand. For another he drowned me. In yet another dream he constricted vines from a rose bush on my skin; the thorns piercing and drawing blood, he scratched my eye and blood ran down my cheek mingled with tears and inter-um-what-is the word? fluid. I tried to reach my hand up to tend to my damaged eye, and the vines held me down, the thorns bit deeper, and I died bleeding to death. Strung out like a wet rag.
She read one, or maybe more, of these papers (much more graphic than I put here) and decided to talk to me; even though she was so shy she never would have on her own. But out of necessity and streghth she reached out to save me. This was 2-3 years ago, in the first year we had known each other. Since then she has grown, more kind, more caring, more beautiful.
Talent streaming out of her ears and grace flowing from her mouth.

I was disappointed tonight. We had some kind of a party that I had forgotten about. Where I had eaten nothing until this, I had to eat during it. I had rich food; salmon, Caesar salad with artichoke in it, asparagus (cooked in a special way that I invented), 1 shrimpn (people told me to eat the last one and watched me eat it), a leaf of lettuce, celery (yay!), tried a little of a cheese log, and finally, a slice of pumpkin cheesecake. I do not want to even estimate how the grossness sheer quantity of calories I consumed. I thought of purging; but I'm not doing it. I did so well for the rest of the day. I played tennis in the morning- windy as could be outside today- and went to work. I hate parties.

MY GRANDPA DIED.
THE ENTIRE PARTY PEOPLE TALKED ABOUT HOW WE SHOULD CELEBRATE AT HIS FUNERAL BECAUSE HE HAD A GOOD LIFE; "Mourn his death, celebrate his life" AND THE WHOLE TIME I'M DREADING ANOTHER PARTY. I SHALL GO THROUGH WITH ANYTHING FOR HIM. I WILL BE THERE FOR HIM, NO PARTY, NO STARVING, NOTHING ELSE.
I'm so emotionless I know I will not miss him. I can't help it. Please readers, forgive me, I can't even get to the point where I feel sorry for myself. I live a life without emotion. I am a rock.


I am nothing but a body...

Stay Beautiful

November 24

Oh, sorry about the false alarm. You see, I was so confused with my life I didn't notice the blood drive is next week. I shall be ready to give then thank you.

"She knows"
"Get away from me... I'm listening to you right now"
"You ate a lot today"
"And I'm not eating now, yeah I ate more than usual, but it was still below normal"
"Really? What did you eat?"
"Cookie dough, enough for 4 cookies, cereal- 1 and a half cups-, a sandwich bag of broccoli, 8 waffers (150 cals), a crepe..."
"And?"
"Nothing. I told you I was listening."
"Were you, that is a lot"
"I'll count it up quick if it makes you happy. I'm estimating 200 for the cookie dough, 350 for the cereal because its got all those nuts in it we know, 25 for the broccoli, and we know the 150. Then I'll give a 300 for that crepe even though it was small. So what was that huh?"
"1025, but you didn't count drink"
"Yeah, but we know I don't want to count that... otherwise I'm going to the 'unhealthy' habits"
"I'm not unhealthy... I'm trying to help you"

"I'm going to keep that body of yours beautiful okay?"

Maybe this isn't normal It feels too normal. My hip bones feel so good! But when I ate... It felt like they were pulling back. That was just my stomach bulging. I didn't eat SO much food my stomach would bulge, but I did have a gas reaction to the cookie dough- which wasn't the worst kind of dough there is anyway. It was a finish ribbon cookie dough. Oh, and I forgot 1 or 2 cookies, they had jam in them. so what 1100. Its under 1200. That is a realistic goal. And health professionals can't complain too much because I drink stuff too.

Health professionals recommend never going below 1200 calories a day for extended time.


So my grandpa is dying. I went to the hospital in ICU tonight to talk to him. I held his hand and asked him questions. I talked about drum and bugle corps while remembering how he used to eat flowers in his salad as a kid. He is jittery, confused, there is phlegm blocking his airway, the doctors don't have a complete diagnosis on why he suddenly nearly passed away, but he has had cancer for years. He probably will not make it to Thanksgiving which is 2 days away. I love him.
He is on marijuana, he thinks its cool. I think it is cool too. He does remind me a little of once when I was near high friends. He shakes a lot, and rambles. Lots of energy for someone who can't sleep or walk because his knees collapse.
Personally I think dying is cool. I'm sad for my grandpa, but I don't want to save him. I just want him to get some sleep before he dies, and I want him to leave ready; so if he has to say goodbye, or if he has to get up on his feet and die trying to walk then so be it. I want him to have the strength to go out the way he wants. Marijuana was always something he wanted to try before dying so he got that. It doesn't stop the pain he said, but he said it saves him from those other places.
He woke up at 3:30 because he had uncontrollable vomiting. He can't sleep. He is wired in at both arms at the bend in the elbow, and he has something in his left chest. We visit him.
I was glad I came, and when I told him I was glad of that he thanked me. I asked him if he ever thought it would be the last time, and that was when he looked me in the eye and turned normal for a second. He said he had been thinking that way for... and then he just lost track. But when he was trying to remember since he started thinking of death I saw fear in his eyes. He was afraid of something, maybe afraid I would find him weak.

I'll always remember that my grandpa died in a good way. Sure he can't do anything but wait, and he is hard to understand because he is so tired and drugged. But before he died he thought about it really hard, and then he talked to all of us, not all of us about death, but he was able to...
I'm looking to say something about him. You know... if you were to die. You would just want to lay down and sleep, but he keeps moving. He can't get out of bed- no strength- but keeps readjusting his pillow, scooting forward and back, crossing and uncrossing his legs. I think, that if he lives for a week like this, he will get up. To me, the best thing that could happen is that he gets up, and while everyone thinks it is all over he tells them that he is ready, and it is ready for him.

"The wise man is not caught unawares by death, when it comes his time he is always ready"

Stay Beautiful

Time Melting

"You should eat today"
"But it doesn't feel right"
"Your mother just told you to eat."
"But its only been 6 hours... I can go so much longer without food"
"You should eat today because you are giving blood tomorrow"
"And who are you to say that I have to?"
"My name is common sense."

I might have freaked out just a half hour ago. My chest hurt. But I don't know why. It is not because I am too thin or I'm not eating enough. I eat plenty. Today I ate 2 pieces of toast for breakfast, and a bowl full of vegetables. I'm fine because I drink enough milk that I don't have to worry about a calorie deficiency at all. I swear I'm fine.

I want to try harder.

I'm still afraid of my mind. My silence is probably hurting her... and I feel it. Right after this I'm going to be there. It takes me time to prioritize.

Time is something I'm wasting all over the place.

Stay Beautiful

Mind Out In

I'm out of my Mind because I'm stuck in it.
No. I cannot explain.

I saw an old friend and she said "you lost weight": it felt so good to hear that. Then she said "...you could die". No.
Give me some credit. People say to me all the time "You are Genius!" I'm not going to die like this... I'm smart.

Smart = I'm going to eat tonight, we have this small thanksgiving get together with friends... and because I'm smart I shall eat.
I'd like to tell you the progress I've made, but I do not have a clue.
I can't remember what I ate, or didn't eat...
How many push-ups I did. What other activities I did. I seriously do not know.

I can give blood in 2 days. And I will. So if it kills me... That might be a good way to die.
I just told you I will not die. But I'm kind of hoping that giving blood is as serious as they say. Because it never is... Giving blood was the same to me as getting a shot. It stings, the bandage looks like a bandage and hurts when you take it off, and you don't feel lighter or light headed or anything. Well, except the thing where when I get poked for a needle to give blood I black out- remain 100% conscious, but I see black for a while- I'm fine. I can talk all the way through it. I feel better really fast. I bleed out in about 6 minutes. I can do it. I won't die, even though I would like to... just a little.

I want to die just a little.

Stay Beautiful

Finest

I have surrendered to geekdom. Magic The Gathering took my soul for a while... I'm sorry I let it happen everybody!
Now I have this huge mess of cardboard pretty cards everywhere...
I have been bored.

Today was a struggle. It felt like there wasn't enough food in me and I ate a small small portion of dinner. I'm so glad I got away with it. Yet the whole time, I felt like I ate too much. I would eat an apple and think too much sugar. And so I never ate my pear.
One liberating thing is giving food away. G. hung out with me while I typed up a last minute draft of a term paper and I have him food. Friends help you out when you are in need. And if I collapsed while making my dizzy-headed way up the stairs, G. would have saved me. Of course, I wasn't even dizzy headed until he left. Then I felt so out of it.

F-F wants me to see her again this weekend. Saturday night we shall meet when the sun is down. It will be crowded, she will be surrounded by some kind of group of people, so it would be the time for me to show the world what I feel for F-F is true. I have to show myself this. The worst part of this... I feel sick thinking about it. How can I publicly say to someone "I love you" when I am so afraid of the crowd? I know I can do it... but can I feel it while I do it? Can I leave the eyes of the people staring at me behind me, and keep my focus on the one it should be on? I am more afraid of myself and my own in-competencies than the crowd's judging eye.

What did I eat today? Well, I know I did pretty well because I can't even think of what I ate... I ate breakfast of those bars I made... That was the worst thing of the day. And those things are really healthy. I like that when I bring them with me for food they are so easy to get people to try. I say "I made this banana bread with no butter and no egg- not even substitutes" and they are like "no way" and so I break of half for them so I don't have to eat as much. They always say that it is really good. One time my friend Watson said "its really dry", but that was with the original recipe; which I changed so that they are always moist. I do know how to cook!
I will talk more about these banana bread bars some other time. I practically make them twice a month, and I hardly have to eat any of them because they are so good my family eats them for breakfast, snack and dessert and never notices when I do or do not touch them.

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday because I have been far too lazy for my own good. Or my own bad if you think working on my physique is a negative thing.
I should go to sleep and get the earliest start I can tomorrow!
So goodnight
and

One last thing... I have not told F-F I have an ED. I want her to be my girlfriend in the future. For now we are not Boyfriend and Girlfriend, but we might just be as soon as next month. I've brainstormed things like what to do for a really romantic first kiss, but I don't know when to break it to her that the guy she is with wants to be a skeleton and needs to starve. Because if I had to choose... Would it be Ana or F-F?
It is sad that I would even consider such a thing... I would choose F-F. But I would at least miss Ana, and I wouldn't go easily. Because I can't. I don't want to leave.

Stay Beautiful

Cold The

The Cold.

Today was freezing, I was outside all day. I wasn't cold. I had on a cotton shirt, and a Body Glove. I have got to go shopping for more of those things...
I was able to stand out there where everyone else was freezing with their jackets and scarfs and heavy coats, and I was fine in a body glove plus another layer. Maybe wearing one of those things is not always so magical, but still, I need more anyway. Whats more, I looked it up: they are on sale! (of course... it isn't water-sporting season... It would be a wonder if the store stocks any at the moment).

I apologize for the absence. I have been out of my mind tired. Sleep hasn't been easy lately. My shoulders have been hurting. And I'm ready to cause them more pain on Friday.

It seems my cat has scratched my forearm, and the cut looks beautiful. Is this wrong to think?
I like the look of my skin with a little blood showing through, the perfect little seams of dried blood around the cuts. The pinkish tint around the incision. It is so pretty.
I didn't do it...

Food! My body has been screaming for food. And I keep saying no. I said yes once when I shouldn't have today. I felt like I needed something... I don't think I did, but maybe that is what got me through work today. I ate some cookies; really small cookies, but enough that it would be the same as if I ate a few big ones. Besides that I haven't had many calories at all. I'm under 1200 today- This is not recommended by your doctor (for extended periods of time). Which is good news.

So, I need a body glove, my body is more beautiful with blood splashed on it, and I'm doing quite well with food. I'm sad I can't work as hard on the weekends as on week days. But my gosh... it is cold. I'm going to be able to see tomorrow of the body glove really helped or not. Hope it was the reason I felt so great today. Because it would be the perfect reward for regaining my six pack. Forgot to mention that, but I slimmed down my waist, and buffed out the abs a little, and it is back! Yay! I felt so wide for a while, and without the clear definition I am used to, I felt fat too! It was sad. And the workouts I am doing are easy to maintain. I'm so happy.

I have to dedicate some of my happiness to F-F. Because of her, part of my mind is constantly in bliss.

Stay Beautiful.

November 15

I was supposed to do something today. I had planned to volunteer around Reno. But no ride.

Today; nothing. Okay.
Push-ups. I lost count.

I don't know what I have done today.
I wrote. That eased my emotional state.

I read a lot today. What else can I say about today? I didn't feel all that impressive.
I think I should sleep early.

Trouble Car

I'm colder than I was before.
It hurts.

I didn't even count how many I did today.

I need to sleep after this.
I will not be able to...


Today I had car trouble. I was at work... long story long story long story... and now my mom's minivan doesn't work. It is my fault. Still my mother doesn't blame me. The one time I borrow her car... it just breaks.
My friend Watson is a pal. I haven't told him yet, but I am going to make him a steak because he was so great to me. When my mother needed a ride to where I was (insurance would NOT tow or even touch the car unless the insurance holder was there, and guess why I was using her van in the first place... because there was no other car!). He convinced his mother to allow him to give my mom a ride. I love my mom, she needed to get work done today and she helped me out. Then, Watson had made plans (without me... but it was cool cause things worked out) to come over for video games. And when I told him I'd call him back on it, I forgot. I was too busy figuring out how to cover the rest of my shift (you see, for my shift I drive to 4 stores and work the lunch break for all the staff)... which worked out. Then he calls me back saying in a puppy dog voice "you're going to tell me we have to cancel huh?"
I had to let him come over. And we had a blast, he brought HD (Another friend) and M. M. is a new friend. Friends are awesome. When they left I started doing my push-ups. And now I must sleep.

Today, I have seen myself shirtless a few times... and I can notice a HUGE difference from the pictures I have on PT. I might need to upload more. Show people the progress.
Whenever I think of all the times I failed, I also think of how much better I could be. I can't say I will be able to try harder. But I will at least move forward from here if I can.

F-F is always on my mind. Maybe that is why through all the car trouble and everything, all I could think about was her and my friends. I wasn't sad all day.

Stay Beautiful

Muscle Cold

Friday?
Where did Thursday go? I know Thursday was amazing. It was everything I should have failed at.

And today... eh... It was okay.
I did over 2,000 push-ups today. (broken over two 2 intervals, one 2 hour with 1250 and one 1 hour with 750: reps were broken into 50 push-ups) Really? Whatever... I sound like I'm making it up. I don't know if I would believe it. Especially if I heard myself ramble (I made a practice Vlog- may be a future kind of thing coming up- on the experience) on how on push-up 1,100 I could barely move. And how 1,145 felt impossible. And how 1,250 wasn't done, how I collapsed on that one. Then I got up and did two. I had to make up for failing.

I used to have something called abs. I can't see them. Personally I feel like I lost them. I gained way too much 'bulk' from the intense work I've been doing. I know it is not necessary, and there will be something done about this. I will do something about this.

You see, I can't plan. But I can tell myself what needs to be done. If I keep my goal real, I will find the time for it. I just have to want it. And every time I take my shirt off I want it back. I want to feel beautiful... not bulky. I don't know what happened, because I'm the same size, but when I look at myself I feel so wide. Its gross. Its those lines that disappeared... they made me feel like I was wearing a vertical stripe pattern and that felt thinner. I need it back.
And the push-ups make me feel so weird. My posture is... wacky. It forces me to slouch, and then when the soreness leaves (all the sudden it leaves... but I know if I tried to do work it would be sore) I feel like I can't tell when I'm straight.
And posture is something I pride myself in.

Hm... this brings me to one thing that I would ask of F-F. Pull your hips back. If there is one thing that I want from you is perfect posture. She has a great body, a pretty face, all the things that satisfy the shallow base I am. She has a shy demeanor, and an artist's mind; her kind soul shows love for me when it is undecided on whether it does love me or not. That suits my romantic taste. Posture. Needs posture.
And
Pride. One thing I couldn't stand is her saying "I am his girlfriend." No, you are not.
He is your boyfriend. Always say: "He is my boyfriend."
Not even "My boyfriend is him": unless you say "I have a boyfriend: and it is him" Own him.
I don't want you to be trapped into the mentality of being his. Because... you don't even know what happens in all my dreams.

For all you people that think I'm just pointlessly rambling... Do you ever have that moment where you compare someone to the person you love? When you compare them, do you ever think about where you would start when you are going to carve them alive?
I'm allowed on the streets.
Because... I have control over everything.

I'm sometimes afraid that only Anorexics, or drug addicts would understand. But yes. 2,000. Today.
And tomorrow?
No Plans.

This is Friday. The 13th of November. I did 2,000 push-ups. I ate a breakfast, a salad, and a pizza (not a whole fool pizza). I can live on less. I have more important things to focus on I hope.

Stay Beautiful

M T

Guess what day it is... Wednesday.

I signed-up for classes.
How did the fast go?

...
Nope. I ate.
I ate cereal, stew, and an apple. I feel so overfull. So that is all I shall eat today.
Tomorrow I have got school. But more important, I get to have the chance to see F-F. My mind is split between finishing up a paper and buying a flower for F-F. I know the paper is more important... I do.
Or is it?
She wouldn't hate me if I didn't get her a flower, she probably wouldn't hate me if I didn't show up (would think very low of me yes). I still think she is important. So important...

I love the little bit of hunger I have been letting myself feel lately. I have just enough hunger to put me in a bad mood; except I know I can snap, and so I don't. I have an angry brain. I think so fast. And the thoughts are clear. My words are sharper. I want to be thinner.
This is the path.

I shall be doing the intense push-ups again on the weekend if I can.
I'm going somewhere all day on Sunday for a volunteer event. I will not do the push-ups then because of that.
The reason I can only do about 300-800 push-ups on these days is because I have no video games to make it easy. When I base my workout around my gaming, I get in an inhuman amount of work. On my own... I don't do as well.

I signed up for classes. I put up for 16 units this next semester, or 5 classes worth.
The current grades I have scare me. I have 2 A's for sure, a for sure F that I think I have a slight chance to make up, and a mystery grade. I have no clue what will become of that grade.
Still, in my mind I picture a white rose.
That is the flower I wish to give to F-F tomorrow.
Shall I find it?

What else shall I do that day? I will not eat that much.
I hope... she likes my body.


Stay Beautiful

Limitless

I hate plans.
They don't like me.

I did lots of push-ups, but that feels like a long time ago. Today I only did 300. And I'm in need of sleep. And I got scammed/ Cause I'm an idiott/.
I want to fast on Wednesday.

But that would be a plan.
I'm no good at those.

I also hate my body. For the reason that other people love it. I don't want any No Strings Attached junk. I need the strings. The complications. I like being flawed. But not in my body. My body needs to be perfect.

I want to fast, so that I don't have the ability to think as fast the next day. I want to be out of my mind.


Stay Beautiful

Acheived

I did 1000 Push-ups.

I'm wondering why I am so weak right now. I tried doing one-armed push-ups just a few seconds ago. They were impossibly hard, I was shaking, I failed once even. And when i did the normal push-ups, when i hit 950 (that was around the 18th set cause I did 2 sets of 60 and one of 80) I felt like I couldn't do it. Actually, I couldn't I did 32, and then 18. And then I finished it off with 50.
I do not feel sore.
I just can't work anymore.

I get so tired of always having my mind on myself. I think of myself all day. I don't want to. Right now I tried to renew my book online for the library. Couldn't.
When i read my book I don't often think of me. I imagine the landscape, and the events unfolding. If I ever do place myself within the book it is to observe the textures within the world, or to imagine myself parallel to the main character. In Darknesses, Alcius (I didn't check my spelling, but I'm guessing it looks strange to me because of the font on here) seems such a flawless hero. He always wins. It is because of his natural ability called 'Talent'. But what I admire most about Alcius is his love for his wife. It was a love at first sight story, and although he had no prior experience with women, Alcius handled the relationship perfectly. Always a gentleman, always moving forward. Perfect in ways I wish I could be.
Of course, if Alcius were a real person, and I met him, and I saw that his body wasn't as perfect as he was... I would see it as a fault. I'm working; I'm getting there. But my body too, is weak. Like me.

I hate being weak. I hate thinking of myself. I know I'm trying to be strong. The question is; what for?
I can't give up.
I don't know... I'm hoping I will be able to do more push-ups today.
I like the idea of push-ups. Push-ups are like a form of punishment. And I feel I need to be punished. Especially after I eat. I am not getting thinner. I move around like I am. I look like I am. But the food I eat... it doesn't feel like I could be. Maybe I feel weak because most of what I have eaten is vegetables for the past week. I know I am above 1200 calories a day (considered minimal healthy) and I don't know how much I work off. I feel so tired. I don't know if I can do more.
But I need more
I can't stop here. Goals are made so you can reach them, and then from there you can be free to do whatever you want.

Stay Beautiful

Goal

I usually don't think of goals. Goals make me feel like homework.

Today my goal is 1000 push-ups. It is going to hurt.
Not 1000 in one sitting... I can only max at about 100 per rep at the time. I'm probably going to do the 1000 in sets of 50, because although it is relatively easy, it still hurts, I still have to push myself, and I have to do it 20 times at least today if I want to achieve my goal. I have work today, that might interfere, but I shouldn't let it. I can do this.
I just hate that its a goal.

November 4

I only did 500 push-ups today.
I want to die.

I'm so... lonely.

Dream

Exercise... zip.
I did push-ups, but all day today... nothing.
Hopeless. I actually freak out when I think about it. Because I do feel hopeless.

eh... my shoulders hurt from the sheer number of push-ups I did today. And it wasn't enough. I did sets of 50, probably about 10 times total today? 500. One of the sets I did 80! Yay! 80 Push-ups in one sitting! And then I did some ab workout. I feel better about my stomach because of that cold or flu that I had. It saved my life... seriously might have killed myself if I let my stomach become a belly. I shudder to think...

oh... I had this dream... here is an except of obsession about it:
She was so thin. F-F wore a white dress, her body like an hourglass. The dress sparkled. Her eyes were always looking far away. I was coming, she wanted to see me. I swallowed her in a hug, her waist was so small. I pulled her under my shoulders. It would last forever. I wanted to wait; she knew I wouldn’t wait too long. People… somewhere. All I remember was F-F. Her white dress, her hourglass waist, her brown eyes looking away, her face framed by straight simple hair. Some kind of internal beauty. no feature, but on her face and it felt like it was connected to me. She was so free, and when I held her, I let her free again. I am not letting go… my facelessfantasy.


Stay Beautiful

"I'm afraid my crush will think I hate him because I'm afraid to be around him..." - F-F

I don't know. I really don't know.
Me,
I am afraid of the weight I lost... how I needed a cold or flu or whatever to lose. I'm afraid that although I ran today, and I have the assistance of Daylight Savings time to help me stay at my best, I will not lose any more. I'm afraid of the weakening I can feel every day I don't push myself harder and harder...
I'm afraid before every meal, after every meal. I'm planning constantly: thinking "what is the least I can survive with?" and "what is the most I can do with it?" I look in the mirror, and I'm afraid because I see myself so large. I want to be thinner, and yet people tell me all the time: too tall. Too skinny.
NO SUCH THING.

I want to be alone... so alone. I want a place in an icy house where I can cling to myself and become smaller. I just want to lay in a semi-awake state until the problem thaws. And I know... that if I was in this cold house, alone, in shades of black and white, I would still want someone else. Maybe just to keep warm. I want someone to bring me home. Because I really don't want to live in the ice forever...
scum.

I hope tonight I dream well. I want to be on a large seabearing vessel, with clear misty spray rising due to fair winds. A bright sky with minimal clouds, a mast full of wind, no land in sight, but a clear direction and goal. Yep... tonight I go sailing.

Oh... for those of you keeping track: I ate like a king.
Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat
Morning: large homemade wheat waffle, herb tea.
Lunch: Beef stroganoff (spelling... ew), yogurt, blueberries.
Snack: Wasabi covered Peas, artichoke dip, carrots
Dinner: Rib eye steak, green beans, potato
Dessert: Yogurt, Chai tea

I shouldn't eat dessert. I can't say I deserve such a thing. My gosh... I'm so frustrated with myself. I work tomorrow in the morning. I'm waking up at 5:00AM and pretending I just had a daylight savings error. With the extra time... I think I can put in a mile in freezing cold temps. Or SOMETHING.
Today activity: random push-ups... getting weaker, even my one-armed is not doing so well.
Volleyball for at least an hour, with a break to play tag with little kids
Run, 2 and a half miles.


Stay Beautiful...

Halloween

I'm not sure how anyone else did... and I am kinda going against myself when I say this: but I partied really big for Halloween this year.

Had the house all to myself, 4 friends came, and we just had a great time. Last minute I came up with this amazing idea for a costume. I was an old man for Halloween. I put out a lawn chair and would wait for kids so I could yell at them to get off my lawn. I'd call them whippersnappers and tell them to scoot there keester out of here. Fun times. I swept the sidewalk waiting for kids, and people across the street would laugh at me. My costume looked really funny, my acting was spectacular. My throat could have done better because my old man voice hurt after a while.

But then the tricker-treaters died down. The guys played video games while I cooked! I got a few games in of Brawl, I'd sneak in a game when something was finishing cooking. All night I didn't burn (or accidentally melt something) anything, and I made something like 6 dishes in 2 and a half hours. Had both ovens running at different temperatures all night, and I made homemade ice cream. I managed to get away with a smaller slice of cake than everyone else, but eh... I suck because I ate a lot of ice cream. Thankfully my throat felt a little better, but I know hot tea works way better than ice cream. Even hot salt water works better than ice cream for a sore throat.
Woke up this morning with my throat burning. So... I tried something weird. The pain seemed localized and only happened when i swallowed. Felt like the entrance part, the part where if I wanted to throw up I'd just poke, was the only thing hurting. Hurts enough to wake me up, so I though I might as well try what I had in mind.
I took my toothbrush and brushed my throat. Seriously gag reflexed about a dozen times. But every time I held back (didn't have anything to throw up anyway). Now... it doesn't hurt, although I do feel a little pain every once and a while when I swallow still. But it did a lot for me, because now it doesn't feel like every swallow has a load full of snot in it. I feel like all the drainage junk my throat was dealing with just halted, and that took away most, if not all the burn.

So if your throat hurts, just put some toothpaste on your toothbrush, stick it down your throat, and get scratching. eh... but you didn't hear it from me.

No candy.
Yes. I had no candy, will have no candy (in fact, only 5 pieces of candy survived the night).
At least I am capable of not eating candy.

Dinner was a thin piece of fish, and pretty much 3/4ths of a squash.
eh... I'm sick. (but I feel fine!)

Stay beautiful

Before Day

I always seem to have something to complain about, and right now my shoulders hurt.
The explanation why is easy: I did either 20 or 26 one-armed push-ups so far today with both hands. Sets of six, and the last set was a set of eight. I might even do more...
Eh...
Starving is working. I don't feel half as sick as yesterday. I don't know if I even feel hungry... I can't tell. I'm not out of my mind right now- by that I mean I am not high.
I don't take drugs. I don't drink. Yeah... the high I mean, is when you get so hungry you can't think. That is how I get high. It takes hours to achieve and it never lasts that long. It makes sleep come so easy.
Sometimes it doesn't come at all...

Oh, tomorrow is Halloween. Exciting huh?
For me... I don't know yet. I feel caught. Like all my friends want me to do something but I am not ready. I don't know what I am going to dress up as... I'd like to be a holocaust victim (be creepy thin and stuff... haha). But I can't do that. My hair is long for me. There are alternatives.

So, I don't know if this is a cold that I am starving. But I am getting better already. Yeah, my throat still hurts, and the air in between my ears feels unbalanced. But I don't think about that as often. I'm more worried about how unclean I feel in my room (clutter makes me feel... eh). And my shoulders hurt. I think I can do more one-armed push-ups. I don't know how I will do on food today.


AND... I'm avoiding. Last week (I think?) when I was not writing here. I ate a lot. I gained weight. Probably not 5 pounds, but enough to cover the beautiful veins and the awesome cord-texture of my muscles when I flexed. My hip bones sank just below the skin, you can see where they are, but they don't poke out. I miss the old me. But with this beautiful flu or cold or whatever I have, I will return, maybe even stronger.

We shall see what happens.
Stay beautiful.

HeeH

Whatever it is... it is burning my throat, and it feels like it is pumping pressure into my ears.
I'm thinking... starving it will kill it.
Chicken broth for breakfast?
Liquid for lunch. plus one egg? (I have to go to work... and pretend I am not sick- or high off of not eating enough)
Dinner? eh... Chicken broth again?

I don't know... compared to how I usually set my goals, this one isn't gradual at all. I don't know if I will be able to do it this time. But I will see... Does starving a cold (or whatever this is) really work?
When I think about it I would rather work out as much as I can, regardless of how much I think I will eat. Because when I just focus on the workout, I only eat enough to survive. Still, what is the harm in going a little bit too low on caloric intake for a short time?

I don't know...
I do know that Halloween is coming up. I WILL NOT eat candy. And please... for your sake don't eat it.

But the sick... I feel it. I think it helps me lose weight. I can't tell in this cold, my skin feels so tight on me! I think it is wonderful. Makes me want to take my shirt off even though it is freezing cold outside.

Goodbyes are so hard... and so is ending a post.
I'm going to steal Zander's line:
Stay Beautiful

SickD

I'm sick, or maybe not.
You see, I won't let myself get sick. Lately I have been getting symptoms; starting with a tenderness in my throat, a runny nose, an itching in my throat that goes away when I cough, and then my voice going hoarse. I concentrate on these... They are my enemies. I ignore the throat, I breathe gently so my nose doesn't run as much, I will not cough. And...
I sang.

Maybe this is paranoia... I wash my hands: all the time right now. When I feel like I am getting sick, I eat only certain foods. 1 cooked Egg: with nothing on it. Spinach salad. Soup. Chicken broth. Water, with ice, without ice, with ice and so on... The only food I am missing that I usually use to fight sickness is blueberries. Still, I have my breathing.
Breathe in for 6. Out for 12.
I'm a music man, I play instruments, so the tempo and the breathing all make sense to me. If I feel like a fever might be a symptom, I breathe it away. And so on...
At school I wrote down BREATHE on my paper. Large capital letters... and some fool next to me read it. "Is that some kind of a reminder?" he asked: "Yeah"- I gave him a pleasant smile- "I need to work on my breathing sometimes."
Then I wrote again. This time... in a code.
What did I write? I wrote the word SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM. all over the paper. But he couldn't understand it... I did it in hieroglyphics and Morse Code. If you would like... I could teach you; if we ever met in person. No one understands the fight. I can tell them. But no one gets it.

... By the way... All the sudden I notice followers. I'm sorry i didn't post for a long time; I will make sure to explain the absence over posts (I may not say "this is why I was gone," but I will talk about F-F; and that is kinda why). I'll try to tell the truth.

I learned today
1. Obama signed legislation that makes crimes against lesbians or gays for reasons of sexual orientation equal to that of hate crime (may not sound significant, but if you know more about how hard they crack down on hate crime it shows how this actually is a step forward).
2. Hydrogen Peroxide, in household use is about 3% hydrogen peroxide. You have to go to specialty chemical stores and get 30% H2O2, considered "extra strength" by some people.

All I Want Is A Note

Nothing else.

FreakCreep

...
I need to figure out what this is.
My brain is bothering me... and I'm eating. Is there a relationship?


Anyway, for some reason I sleep better on the floor.
What am I?

Cold So

9 mile run tonight. I did a 9 mile run, and I walked it off for at least a mile.
Also I did over 500 push-ups today.
I even did some one-armed push-ups.
And worked.

How was this possible?
1. Food.
2. Sleep.

I admit, it is much impossible to do this without food at some point, but today I was an absolute pig. I must have binged out 700 calories for lunch. And 700 more for dinner. Ew... But at least my run felt great- like the food felt like it would just go away, or maybe I would just puke. I'm tired in my legs, but I don't smell. I don't ever smell bad after I work out, in fact most of the time I smell better. Do I love my own body too much? Yes. And that is why I do what it wants sometimes.
Truth be told, I couldn't remember the last time I went on a run. I had 2 days of practically nothing this weekend (except lots of heart-racing brawl+ action). I spent way too much time on the video game Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and I still love the game as much as myself, that and I could use some refinements on the hacks I use with the game. I confirm I am a nerd in that respect.

Weakness.
It is a weakness, so is whatever that feeling was that drove me crazy over the past 5 days or so. It seems to have gone away after the nap I had in the middle of the day, but this was some serious 'weakness'. I was flinching when I thought about people I found attractive. I was boiling on the inside when I was thinking about what I had to do with my day. And I didn't know what was going on. Why did I have no control over myself?
I don't know if it was the rest I apparently gave myself, but it just intensified until today. Who knows; it may return tomorrow.

But 9 miles... that is good. My foot hurts, I need new running shoes. 9 miles. I am quite proud of myself tonight. But I am also afraid because I don't know if or when I can do that again.

One thing I want to try is running in the rain. I was thinking I should just pick out an old pair of shorts, and run shirtless, maybe just a mile. But the icy winds here should shock my metabolism.
I need strength.

Strength...
Don't wimp out. When it hurts be smart, but never wimp out. Because you are not a wimp.
Hey everyone out there: be strong.

Throat Stuck

... I want to make a noise, but my throat feels horrible. And my legs were perfect, just 2 days ago. Now they feel normal. I didn't do anything for a day, and that happened.
I'm going absolutely insane.
Just letting myself go absolutely insane.

I vented a lot today, and I am pretty much good emotionally (whereas the past 3 days I have just been internally screaming) but I never removed the sources. I need to do something about those.
Because I can feel it growing, and I'm going to want to scream again.

I was out for dinner tonight with my family. There was a 6 year-old sitting across from me (daughter of a parent's friend's friend) who left it up to me to entertain her all night long. She was annoying, she sung the whole time, she said hi, she stared, she was wonderful; everything I want in a daughter of mine.
She stared at me. She stared at me, I loved that in a kid. One day, she is going to be older, and some guy is going to look at her, and she will look right back. She kept bugging me. She was relentless: One day, she will have some boy will like her, and she will decide if she likes him or he needs to move on. She sang: she has energy, and life! She was the cutest little girl. She would playfully punch her father, and she dug right into the dessert, her father told her to not eat it because it was dairy and it wouldn't help her get well because she was sick a while ago and dairy isn't good for people that are sick- I never knew that- and it made her cry. She didn't get any more ice cream! (the kid respects her father a lot)
Then I heard her history. She is 6 years old, turning 7 next month. She had pierced ears! In second grade... I don't remember that as a kid. Her mother was not the woman that was with us, her real mother was a drug addict. Her real mother had no rights to see her, but this other woman, who was in a relationship with her real father, was practically her mother. Her father had a huge scar: from cancer, on his neck. Her new mother (not the birth one) used to be really fat, but lost a lot of weight, and looks "bone thin in the face, but good in the body" according to my mother.

Oh and I ate. I ate what a normal person would eat at home, which is less than what people eat going out. But I still ate. I thought about purging before I ate, but after... I was too worried about how the waitress kept paying special attention to me, and being especially polite to me. I swear, she was interested in me... but my head hurts from other people. I don't eve know how old she was, but i am 18, and people tell me I look like "working age." (to me that means I look 21). Would have been different for me to be interested in an older woman, or at least one that is 3 years or more older than me. I don't see anything wrong with it, if she can meet my extremely shallow criteria. But I don't see people doing that.
So I get these people interested in me (I can't control it). I see it (or at least I think I do). And I do nothing, this is one way how I see myself a monster. That is the beginning, like laying the bait out for the trap.
My body is the bait.
My mind is the trap.

I'm trapped right now. Because I am so lonely, and searching out people, but every person I talk to doesn't help it. And it just stays the same, no larger, no smaller. I'm crazy because I keep thinking that someone can fill it. But I haven't let anyone do it for me.
I'm going crazy.
I want her to message me back.
I know we aren't going anywhere.
I see we probably will not go anywhere.
But I need this to try. I need this empty place to change. I have stopped all the workouts because I want to get through with this. I want my mind to be at rest. I want to scream already.

I seriously am going crazy.
And with that I am gaining weight.

IS THERE A RELATIONSHIP?

Oct 17

I did the homework, but before working out more I stopped.

I looked at my legs, and it looked like no fat, I tried pinching the skin; directly under the skin was muscle. My arm were worse, the only part of me that might seem to have retained fat is my butt (which is extremely low) and my stomach (which feels like just skin anyway, and when I flex you can't even grip the skin).

I don't know where I am with this weight loss thing. I don't imagine myself at the end, but from here where can I go? Will I stay here, stuck because it is too hard to get any further? I don't know.
I do know I am angry that I ate my breakfast. There was so much fat in that thing I ate I bet (anyone know stats for a bearclaw?). At the same time, why worry about it? I can easily work off the 300-400 calories it was. Why do I want to be angry with myself just for eating?

And I'm so tired of my dreams.

Now Right Myself Hate Really I

I really hate myself right now.
I did something like 300 push-ups before the phone rang.

I have homework due soon.

I AM SO FREAKING ANGRY.
AND IF I SAY WHY THAT WILL ADMIT I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I would rather go crazy before I admit that.
I'm going to go for 600*.


*everything is in sets of 50-60

!AraM?

I ate around 300 calories for breakfast.
Around ... what did I eat for lunch?
and around 500 calories for dinner.
I drank about 800 calories worth; most of it is protein because it is mostly milkstuff.
And I ate some paper.

Is that weird? I don't know. I do remember eating a Kiwi for lunch, which is 45 calories, but then all I remember is looking at the food and thinking none of this is worth it, and I wanted to eat paper instead. I'm beginning to wonder where I got so crazy.
I drank so much water today.
And I am so tired all day.
What is going on?

I wouldn't say I have my half a day's workout in yet, but I can there... I swear I can. And I'm going to get to it... I'm so frustrated with myself at the moment. I'm beginning to hate my body because it isn't easy on me anymore. I just want to dwindle down a little. Get a bit thinner, and this will all go away. And I want to detox so bad, And I want to be outside, sprinting, and ... not alone. I miss drum corps for that. And when I get back into drum corps, I want to take the extra step and run after rehearsal.

Oh, I was on craigslist today, first of all, people there are creepy. They post their fetishes, and their affairs, and just whatever on there. And then I found ads where people asked for running partners. I was thinking, that would be a good idea. I could use a running buddy in the area; even if the closest one was a 28 year old female. I wouldn't mind that.
But the highlight of Craigslist today was the Rants and Raves section. In there was a short story, and it moved the inside of me. I'm so glad I read it.
And...

I want to wither.

Bus The Missed I

I missed the Bus.
I was supposed to go to San Jose State University today, those were my plans, but I woke up at 8:00 AM and that was when the bus left. Something... I really don't know why I didn't want to do it. Because f I truly wanted it, I would have put in some effort. Now I am stuck here today.

Tired all the time? I don't know, but my attitude has been so lethargic that I find it hard to disagree. I'm completely afraid I am not burning enough calories. I don't know what is happening.

Water, I drink water.
And I was going to go somewhere with a friend today, perhaps ride bikes, perhaps a run. That will at least cover for a little bit of time; but still I said I was going to be gone all day for extra credit. My parents will be angry that I missed out because of something I could have prevented.
Now that I think of it... a run would be in food order after blogging this. I have some homework due by midnight tonight, but I am afraid to do it.
It requires me to comment on people's blogs, they responded to a prompt, and I have to respond to their response. I didn't do any of the reading, like usual, and that makes it harder and harder to integrate the course material. On top of that; I hate how the books in the class seem so redundant, at least the first 2 are. I feel so sad, because all they are about is how our creation myths and early organization of society cause women to suffer.
This is just a bad time to force me to learn that information, because I mindlessly talk about it, at the same time I can't allow it in my thoughts because I like someone. I don't know... part of me admits that I want a woman reliant on me, but one of the things I find beautiful about this girl is how she doesn't need me. And I like how she doesn't know if she likes me back.
But this is so strange to me... I try to think that I know the dating rules, and how to act and feel. For some reason I can't do it. I feel so unreal. Maybe I am emotionless like I say I am.

Oh. Sorry, I rambled about nasty relationship hope. I think I can deal with it, and I don't even know if anything will become of it.
But, yesterday... I guess I was tired. And today too... something is up with my body I don't know what it is.
The day before yesterday was an exhaustion run, a 7 mile run, and a full day workout.
Yesterday my exercise was Pull-ups a few times, and a lot of walking.
Today... nothing so far. But I'm going to try to get in a half day workout, and a few runs. Depends how I feel against the weather.

Now that I look at it... I need to give myself rest once and a while (do I really?). And this is okay. Still; I can not stop.

I'm feeding myself. I'm eating so much food I feel like an animal. But I eat it over time, this is supposed to help your metabolism. I haven't eaten to the point of having my stomach bloat, and I even skipped most of dinner the night I did the 7 mile run. I'm really dazed for some reason, and all the time is blending together.

Maybe it is best I missed the bus today.

Know Like Would You

I ate breakfast, it was 265 calories.
I ate lunch; it was quite a bit more, something like 600 calories
I kind of ate dinner, I ate around 200 calories.
Oh, and I drank around 725 calories today.
I think I will eat 50 calories for dessert.

I went on 2 separate runs today. One was one mile, with 10 pounds of weights. I felt sick after. I thought I would vomit. And I couldn't walk straight, or think right. But then I laid down and it was better. Had some tea and was nearly totally recovered.
I took another run today; it was about 6-7 miles running, and 2-3 walking. I called up a friend and he ran with me; it was late and dark. But my friend is really cool, he accepts me being different. He doesn't like how I tell him things like thin is beautiful and low calorie is the only lifestyle for me. But he doesn't so much dwell on it, he even listens to me, and lets me tell him more. I'm glad he ran with me.
My mother thinks I have a girlfriend that I disappear to. Not true. I don't have a girlfriend.

I have done at least 200 push-ups through the day, and a little bit of ab work. I'm sure to have a great body. My six pack got me angry because it has been fading, whereas my back has gotten sore from muscle growth, and feels grotesquely huge. But I am really liking the progress with my legs. I can see the muscles in my legs when I sit down when all I do is just let my legs kind of sway. And if they are perfectly inactive, they still look thin, just a little bit of fat to lose. But I will get there.

I had a lot of friendly people be nice to me today. I'm hoping that I get more friendly stuff in the future.
I have school tomorrow. And now more than ever I am not going to be ready for it... I will be there, and I will be as ready as I can be. I have recently felt something that will take me forward through my day. And I just can't wait for the next day.
You would like to know; but I am cruel, and you don't get to hear.

Her Love I

I am so sorry.
Sorry I left. Sorry I am not Ana. Sorry i don't try hard enough.

Lots has happened. Since it got cold I haven't been able to run. Okay... arm strength... maybe. I just did 50 push-ups a minute ago. But it isn't enough.
Never will be enough.
I'm getting goosebumps because I sent FacelessFantasy a note... I just went crazy recently.

Okay... so I did some research.
Random fact: the average person uses 1200 calories a day to do basic metabolism and rebuild tissue.
Homemade popcorn is a really healthy snack, the popcorn I make says 15 cals per cup, and it tastes AWESOME with Smart Squeeze (5 cals per TableSpoon) substitute margarine (top three ingredients are 1.water 2.food starch 3.salt) and cinnamon. Plus popcorn is naturally whole grain. Fiberlicious.
30-60 seconds of intense cardio can raise your metabolism for up to an hour.
And Detox is for everyone? Got a book on detox, and so far nothing interesting, except they market their product (ideology) very well.

It has been so long... But I even wrote again. It felt good, and I get a little writing in every once and a while now. I love my writing. I love my body. But I misuse the term love...

Sin is what I love. For some odd reason, I actually enjoy making trouble with other people's lives. I don't mean to, and I genuinely care about people. I just have an urge I don't understand or see, that attracts me to people who's lives I can screw with. And I kill them.
If I were a dreaming creature I would drill holes into people's thoughts, they would lay helpless as I crafted them into monsters. I would enhance anomalies. I would drain the very life from another and watch it wither as it slides through my fingers...

Truly, I don't believe everything I say, but that is what gives me power when I say I love Sin.
Because a Lover of Sin is allowed to lie,


Goodluck escaping from me...

Absence Future

I'm going to go for a while, not be here, because I have to focus on school. And I'm not. First an update, then I go. 2 weeks should be fine.

I miss this.
I looked at myself in the mirror, everything is okay again, except some things are better; I look 'healthier' and if I flex, I can see lines under my skin. This in my mind translates to losing the small layer of fat that used to cover my muscle, and now I look like a replica of a muscle diagram- when flexing.
The bad news to this awesome loss of weight is I will not be able to go farther. Not for months, in fact I will have to gain weight. I am too cold to live without some fat. I can't run. I'm going to gain from losing that, and it is going to be more difficult to find the time to do these things. I'm not going to be as motivated- and even if I was, the cold breaks me down. When I gave blood my temperature was low- almost to the point that they wouldn't let me give blood, and when I said my approximate weight the woman gave me the eye. First off, it felt awesome, but it explains a lot of where I am and where I could be. This winter, if I give blood enough, things shouldn't feel so bad- about being fatter.
Lower temperature explains how susceptible I am to the cold. When I jump into a cold pool on a hot summer day, I suddenly lose energy. I call this 'cold shock' and a long time ago when I was smaller, I would eventually get used to the temperature of the pool. Now, things continue to worsen, and the shock runs deeper. On one of the hottest days of summer, I went to a water-park where the water is very cold, and where the rest of my friends were fine, not even shivering when the slight breeze hit them, I had purple lips, my teeth chattered for hours straight, and I was tired. Being that cold probably burns a lot of calories.
Cold wears me down.
I'm going to leave. I know leaving will not make my life better immediately. I am so cold.

I tried riding my bike today to school to see how long it would take (no school for me today) and I got a flat tire. Had to walk back.

I hate how if I wear more clothes it doesn't block out the cold more. All my clothes are just baggy enough that they fit, but they let the cold find a small passageway to you, and that minuscule patch of flesh that cold finds freezes everything. With 3 pairs of gloves on I walked outside, and my fingers immediately felt like they frosted; the worst part about this is that it never snows here. I'm complaining when this isn't even relatively cold. Winter is going to kill me.

Thanks for reading,
Goodluck
Find Beauty.

Fated2One

That Like Look Don't I

I don't look like that picture... why?
What happened?
...

Am I gaining weight? Or is this something else?
I look huge compared to that...
This is not good.

I'm going to wait this out kinda... see how it looks later.

Blood Gave

I gave blood today

I also ate SO FREAKING MUCH.

I didn't pass out.

Those three things are enough.

42

I didn't eat any more, had only 205 calories more of drink: 2 glasses soymilk and 1 green tea.
Total of today is 905 calories. I also ran my mile, literally ran it at a really fast pace, and then I did pull-ups in between walking laps. Total on those was 43: 10, 11, 10 12.

My mother is really suspicious. Asking "what did you eat for dinner?" Of course I ate nothing, but she doesn't know for sure. I know she suspects, she asks me all kinds of subtle questions, as if she really is testing the lies I give her. She tries to act normal, but at least I know that what I choose is not what she thinks of as normal. I think its normal.
I think I am supposed to starve.

I'm really disoriented right now. I will live.
When my thoughts muddle like this, it makes me feel like I know I'm going to lose weight. Like I'm really that low on sugars and energy sources, so my body will use the little fat I have left. I'm afraid at the same time... what if I lose muscle? Of course I want to be lighter, and I don't mind losing a little bit, but there are some features I would like to keep strong. But I can't think of anything I am willing to lose.
I'm still trying.

I am still trying.

Romantic Not

People have internal conflicts all the time. I apologize for talking about dreams.

I'm also sorry because i author this blog, and eat like a pig. 780 Calories by 1:30 PM. Its gross how much I eat. Somehow, i manage to feel a little sick. My forehead is hot, but besides that and being more tired than usual, I have nothing else. I'm taking these ailments as a serious warning; for example I just washed my hands. Any time I remember I'm going to do something to fight this before I actually get sick. Although sick people lose weight, they have to lay down and do nothing, and they have to eat. I don't want to get sick, because then I can't run, and I can't do push-ups or anything. So I'm going to fight some invisible feeling that i have.
I'm allowing myself even more bananas than I usually eat. I'm probably going to have 3 bananas today, I have already eaten two. But for some reason, I am just so tired.

Anyways, I rode my unicycle for 4 miles so far today and I fixed the tire on my bike. I was thinking of biking to school instead of driving... it is around 10 miles, and mostly uphill, but if I wake up early enough it should be possible. And if I do... I'm thinking about it.

I have to focus on school, grades are the most important thing in my life.

Thanks for reading.

No and Yes

I did run, but I also ate more.
Because my mom was home, and I don't feel like trying to avoid things around her. But yes, I ate a 'normal' amount. I estimate an added 900 more calories. Which takes me to the 'normal' 2000 calorie diet. Good news is I had so much fun today, that normal probably wasn't good enough.
4 laps run, plus another half-hour of random run/walk at my leisure. And 32 pull-ups. Two reps of 8 and one of 16 (which I must say is quite impressive). The food goes somewhere, and its not fat. For that I can be happy.

But what I want is perfection... If I get to that point where my body is that thin; I will be outwardly perfect. I would satisfy everything in whoever that one girl ends up being. When I imagine myself as perfect, I imagine that I have someone to share that with. I don't know if that is wrong. Especially when I have to hide what I really think... I look at the people of the world and i think of how fat they are. I look at myself and I see that I am still on a journey. I'm going to get there one day; with the right freedom, and the right control. I'm going to be everything.

But the problem I am confronted with is where is that other person? The one I share my power with?

I swear; I'm not looking here... I'm just rambling... answer if you wish, but know I'm not choosing. I don't choose.
I don't even know why I dream sometimes, because I know someone else is going to get hurt by my dreams.

Day Fun Easy

I woke up and ate this morning. Something I will never get into the habit of is skipping out on breakfast because I have eaten breakfast forever. I'll always eat breakfast.
And I've spent all day cooking, picking out food and making delicious meals and snacks. But I barely ate so far. Calorie count so far is about 850. Its going to be around 1200 by tonight. I'm dizzy already, but that is because I've had so much fun today. I used up so much energy just smiling; my friends are the best.
I had my friends Watson and D. come over today, Watson is my best friend, and D. makes him even crazier than usual. D. walked to my house from his girlfriend's church for the gaming session we had planned (you can even check us out on youtube!) and I was very much impressed because he came dressed up in black with a turquoise tie on. Looking sharp for a day of mashing buttons and yelling at the T.V. screen.
Watson's entrance was announced by the screeching of tires, he peels out in a 1994 Honda Accord (most stolen model/year of car in the history of car thief-ing). Dang, maybe I'm too dizzy to write cause this sounds like mumbo jumbo to me...

Well, I made some awesome food, and the best part is I didn't hardly any of it, only the samples you eat when cooking so you know it is ready and will taste fine. My friends ate the whole lot.
I made them each a quesadilla one of them got a pepper-jack cheese and spinach one and the other a taco meat and cheese and spices one. Doesn't sound that great from just the ingredients, but the sound of the cheese just bubbling and the cooked aroma coming from inside those tortillas would make anyone hungry.
Then, since D. eats insanely fast and a lot more than Watson (who is trying to lose weight- ironic, because its inspired by me- I'm also much taller than him, heavier (now), and more muscular) I heated him up some leftover spaghetti from when I made some homemade spaghetti a few nights ago (I made WAY too much, and on top of that didn't eat that much of it- I've been giving it out like charity to friends). Then I made snacks. Including Nacho Triscuts- Triscuts are actually low enough calorie (20 cals each on whole and something like 10 cals on thin?) they make a good snack for us, if you need the salt- Banana peanut butter bites, and Frozen Dark Chocolate frosted Banana slices (I LOVE BANANAS- too bad I didn't get to eat any of that stuff...). It was amazing food. I could smell it all. Most of my calories today have come from milk. 560 Cals.
I can feel that I didn't get a 'normal' amount of food. I'm a little shaky- you think I'd be used to this... I dunno.

By the way... I didn't run last night. I think thats 2 nights of not running... So I should be running tonight... or right now.
Let us see how it goes.

I support you all. Whether you like food, you eat food, you don't want to eat, or whatever you do. But you have to eat sometime to survive... I recommend eating bananas- only because I love them!

Goodluck to you all!

Dissapear Why?

Why didn’t I post a blog entry last night? Because I went to sleep before 8:00 PM; all because of some serious stress from work. And what sucks worse is I haven’t run in a while, and the stress was taking me down. I had work today, so I had to eat a lot before work. Thankfully I ate at a good pace and it wasn’t that bad of food. 2 slices of extra thin spinach and mushroom pizza for lunch and 2 pieces of Eggo Waffles with some syrup. I had to do it, the previous day was about 700 calories: which was very good. Although I only think it was easy because I didn’t run and I didn’t work out at all.
What did I do all day? I drove to see a lecture by Ann Bannon, a lesbian pulp fiction writer. And I stayed home talking to people on the computer. Plus work, I had a really easy day, until that dress was going to be picked up.
So I work at a dry cleaners. I would say we are very classy cleaners, one that no friend of mine around my age can afford, but we offer good quality. We also use environmental equipment and chemicals, so its very ’clean’ cleaning. But our prices get outrageous sometimes. Our $3.29 a laundered shirt is comparable to dry cleaners in the area, and our newest store’s price of $2.19 a laundered shirt it competitive. But sometimes… when a plain looking silk shirt gets detailed in as a silk blouse per-say the price is around $15. For one shirt kind of garment. Our Wedding dresses are about $300 for the CHEAP ones… and that is where my error comes in. I was way too easy on this customer, and I didn’t get a good look at the dress because it was in a bag. I quoted her $61.89 on a dress that should have started at $265.00. She was willing to put the dress in with the quote I gave, except that shouldn’t have been the price. And it went all the way to my boss before things got ugly. My Boss took some mercy on the fact that I had misquoted… He only gave the garment a $60.00 upcharge to the dress. But that isn’t what makes this too ugly, the customer called me. When I was working. And I was yelled at for “the price changing without [her] permission.” Totally my fault there (even though she should have been charged around $300). But, then she came in. And she was even more angry because the dress was not cleaned to her standards. We had removed stains that had left black streaks all over the bottom lining of the garment. I was personally fed up because the dress was not pressed perfectly, it looked ever so slightly wrinkled- the kind of wrinkled I see on one of the shirts in my closet and I deal with it because: truth is things wrinkle a little- and I was powerless. But I have magical powers: I swear I do. The second she stopped ranting, I looked her in the eye and spoke evenly. I said the truth “I don’t know what I can do for you, but this ruined my Friday too.” And she nearly buys the dress there. Due to my puppy eyes or something. But eventually she reconsiders… anyway, everything is going to work out. Just feels like I was killed of stress for a night. And when I woke up…
I wasn’t ready for the next day. So I ate food. I needed to not collapse today. Its working out. I’m going to run tonight. I’ll have to.
So I’ve focused a lot recently about the bad things, but everything before then was awesome. Right now, I just need little things to keep me going. I’m home with my dad, he is going to make some Banana ice Cream tonight for us- I’m going to have to eat it, but even if I didn’t want to eat it (I guess I’m taking a break?) I’d feel compelled- and I got extra hours at work today. Life is going well, as always. I got 100% on my other blog- I have to blog for a class and my teacher loves everything I say- but you can’t see it because it’s a private network system.
I just spilled green tea on my work shirt. Looks just like water, I feel good. I can’t freak out over the stain because 1. Doesn’t look like a stain 2. Its no big deal: I get free dry cleaning still. I still love my job.
I swear, my friend G. has a bad job. And he doesn’t know it… He loves it. I don’t know, I think the store is awesome, although it doesn’t offer much, and a lot of what it offers is shirts with marijuana or death on them (things he doesn’t endorse) but he likes it there. A little store in the mall- it probably is about the size of my family’s living room with a bathroom attached to the back of it. He gets paid $1.75 an hour. Minimum wage here is a legal $8.00; and THAT is hard to live off of. He couldn’t feed himself with the money he earns; working up to 11 hour shifts, and at least 6 days a week. And if he works at the same time as somebody else he splits pay with them, making basically nothing. No one at his work puts as much dedication into the store as him, not even his boss. I don’t know… he got offered to work at a frozen yogurt store part time, he doesn’t want to take it. It would be a relaxed easy job, not too many hours, and minimum wage pay, something G. could use. Even I could use extra money. Maybe I want that job for myself… I’m going to ask him if its open to me, and I’m always willing to step aside for G. if he needs it for a while. Wouldn’t sharing a job be awesome?

I was going to go to the library today, I have a late fee on a book! I haven’t even been reading that book. Maybe that is what is wrong with my life, sometimes I just know something is up. And I haven’t read in a while.

Girls, sometimes I really don’t know. I just want a life, where I can work and she can work. We can live in a quiet little place- most of my dreams its just an apartment. I want to go to school forever, and I want her to always talk to me. What am I saying? This is just crazy. I’m an emotionless demon. I’ll suck your heart dry. And still you will give it to me because I promise. I make so many promises; but I warn you too. None of them are worth anything.

When I woke up this morning, I felt like I couldn’t make it through today. I’m halfway through, I’ve allowed myself to eat, and I’m not fat, I’m not starving, and I’m not even bloated. Life feels like everything is working out but I’m waiting for something. I don’t know what I am waiting for.
Maybe at the end of today I will be happy enough to know. Melancholy clouds me when I know everything is going to be okay. One day, in the future, I will be even better than I am now. But for now, everything is okay, and tomorrow, everything is okay.
Did you hear that? Everything is going to okay.

Before you go to sleep tonight, tell yourself “everything is going to be okay.”

Land Zombie

So I went to see Zombie-Land, I might put the pictures somewhere (here is they all fit) for a while...
Oh, I didn't just see the movie, no, I saw the premier, and I got free tickets to the premier because I was a zombie. I dressed up for the part, and it looks pretty good- thanks to the small work i did on myself with Crayola paint and dirt and some really quality stuff from the professional make-up artists. I know my paint is going to wash off fine, but so far the fake blood, face-paint, and oil... I'm not too sure about that. Definitely worth the time tonight.

Oh, and I totally skipped class to do this.
I was a bit popular by virtue of my unicycle. I rode it as part of our "Zombie-walk" to the theater- the free premier ticket group had met at a comic book store and from there made our way to where the production was taking place- The movie was supposed to be a comedy. And it was funny, the main character has all these rules that would show up whenever things happened. I kinda felt sad for him when the first girl he ever got close to turned into a zombie when he let her spend the night at his place. But later on he found a girl with gorgeous eyes and things worked out.
Eyes... We had a girl in our group (with her boyfriend) that had great eyes. She is taken of course, but it makes me glad to see that beautiful eyes do exist out there. No offense meant if I haven't said something like that to you.

1670. I'm thinking I have the metabolism of 6 people or something... because I had an energy crash today- with that much calories. No milk today... Sad day I guess.
Exercise: not really, I went to school for my first two classes, hung about doing things (like homework for the class I was going to skip- but it ended up that class was canceled). Yeah, I regret I ditched one class; it is my first time ever skipping class without a parent note for absolutely no reason. No good reason. But I'm alive.
I feel tired. And the dried paint on my face is kinda uncomfortable. Tomorrow I am going... to school to do some extra credit.
Besides that and work I have nothing.

ESUAP

The title of this post is PAUSE.

Okay, wait.

First, I'm not much of an Anorexic, I'm a wannabe. But I would be even more of a wannabe if I had the freedom to be. I don't eat too much, but I drink so much milk... seriously out of the total 2310 calories I had today 1120 was from milk alone. MILK. And I'm not thin enough to be defined as Anorexic, although you can now see the veins of my stomach and legs as well as my arms and hands. I guess I just have a strong heart.
All due to the LOADS of protein from milk consumption... Maybe if I just switched to skim milk it would all change... But I can't do that, because that isn't in my control. My family will not buy skim milk. So I have to deal with loads of calories and fat and protein.
I did become a sort of Fitspo. Seriously... when I suck in like I used to, its not half as good as it used to be. Where it used to look like I was organless you can see a six pack sticking out... At least I know I invented the workout of the year... even if it does make my stomach protrude (with muscle) at all times. Crazy... Good or bad?

Dangit... Running is getting SO FREAKING HARD. But I ran 2 and a half miles. I don't care how hard it gets... I'm sticking with it. This is like the third lap, where you know you finished halfway, you feel like you can't make it, you want to slow down, you want to speed up, its too far, its too close to give up. I WILL... i don't know...
What am I trying to do?

And another reason to pause... Girls... I'm so sorry. I sound like a nice guy. I talk like a nice guy. I even give you warnings that I am truly a monster. But you still talk to me. I'm evil. I just want you to watch yourself. Because one day, I'm going to ask you if you ever wake up thinking about me, and I'm going to say that I do. I wake up with you on my mind. Its true, but only when we talked last night. Its true, but only when I revisit our conversations in my head. Its true, but it is true for 100 others. It has been true forever. And I am the most shallow man you will ever meet. I give compliments yes. I love you all. I'm so sorry.
I can't just love one.
I don't love just one.
I love nothing but one... And even I don't know.
And I don't know if I just change, or it gets old, or what. I'm on my third lap in love I guess... I always am.

I'm too far, I'm not far enough. The finish line is a lap ahead of a lap. Its too far. Its so close. I'm going to keep running, and see where that puts me.

Evil? What So?

I know I'm evil. I can admit it shamelessly when it doesn't matter. I'm a seducer, and I wait for the moment you won't care what I say to warn you that I am evil. That is the way I am.

I did my run today; only a mile, but I did some other walk/jog, I can't tell you how much because I wasn't counting. I also did pull-ups between laps. I did 5 sets of 8 and one set of 10. That totals to 50, and it was over a 40 minute period or less.
Really, I haven't worked hard enough...

Debit card came in the mail. Its a Visa, so I can buy things online for the first time in my life. I'm sad about other things at the moment though.
Food: blegh. I am not even counting today, I know its about 3000. Thankfully its mostly protein, and I worked hard enough to make some of the carbs nullified. I don't know what is up with me, maybe I'm hungry or something, but I didn't stop eating. Not all day. And I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it back. I want that emptyness. And I want to be like all those girls with the willpower to do this every day for 50 days. I won't be allowed to starve during drum corps (maybe if I purge...) but I don't know. Parts of me say that I'm fine the way I am. I know I am thin enough for my liking. What I want is starvation. Empty. Headaches. Dizzy. Dark sleep.
I want to be comrade to the women that I love so much. For some reason I love Anorexia. The deathly thin, the ones that are still normal weight, but starving every day of their life, and the girls without the confidence for every day. I just want to lay down and die with them. I want to starve and succumb to darkness.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. Its easier to starve when I am home alone.
Funny thing is, whenever I mention food, drink or eating my mother FREAKS out now. She acts like I could die. I tell you, I won't die from Ana, we are separated too much. And I am not strong enough to hold on tightly enough. I've kinda let go of her.
But I still love you.
All of you.
Beyond this love, I have no other.