Throat Stuck

... I want to make a noise, but my throat feels horrible. And my legs were perfect, just 2 days ago. Now they feel normal. I didn't do anything for a day, and that happened.
I'm going absolutely insane.
Just letting myself go absolutely insane.

I vented a lot today, and I am pretty much good emotionally (whereas the past 3 days I have just been internally screaming) but I never removed the sources. I need to do something about those.
Because I can feel it growing, and I'm going to want to scream again.

I was out for dinner tonight with my family. There was a 6 year-old sitting across from me (daughter of a parent's friend's friend) who left it up to me to entertain her all night long. She was annoying, she sung the whole time, she said hi, she stared, she was wonderful; everything I want in a daughter of mine.
She stared at me. She stared at me, I loved that in a kid. One day, she is going to be older, and some guy is going to look at her, and she will look right back. She kept bugging me. She was relentless: One day, she will have some boy will like her, and she will decide if she likes him or he needs to move on. She sang: she has energy, and life! She was the cutest little girl. She would playfully punch her father, and she dug right into the dessert, her father told her to not eat it because it was dairy and it wouldn't help her get well because she was sick a while ago and dairy isn't good for people that are sick- I never knew that- and it made her cry. She didn't get any more ice cream! (the kid respects her father a lot)
Then I heard her history. She is 6 years old, turning 7 next month. She had pierced ears! In second grade... I don't remember that as a kid. Her mother was not the woman that was with us, her real mother was a drug addict. Her real mother had no rights to see her, but this other woman, who was in a relationship with her real father, was practically her mother. Her father had a huge scar: from cancer, on his neck. Her new mother (not the birth one) used to be really fat, but lost a lot of weight, and looks "bone thin in the face, but good in the body" according to my mother.

Oh and I ate. I ate what a normal person would eat at home, which is less than what people eat going out. But I still ate. I thought about purging before I ate, but after... I was too worried about how the waitress kept paying special attention to me, and being especially polite to me. I swear, she was interested in me... but my head hurts from other people. I don't eve know how old she was, but i am 18, and people tell me I look like "working age." (to me that means I look 21). Would have been different for me to be interested in an older woman, or at least one that is 3 years or more older than me. I don't see anything wrong with it, if she can meet my extremely shallow criteria. But I don't see people doing that.
So I get these people interested in me (I can't control it). I see it (or at least I think I do). And I do nothing, this is one way how I see myself a monster. That is the beginning, like laying the bait out for the trap.
My body is the bait.
My mind is the trap.

I'm trapped right now. Because I am so lonely, and searching out people, but every person I talk to doesn't help it. And it just stays the same, no larger, no smaller. I'm crazy because I keep thinking that someone can fill it. But I haven't let anyone do it for me.
I'm going crazy.
I want her to message me back.
I know we aren't going anywhere.
I see we probably will not go anywhere.
But I need this to try. I need this empty place to change. I have stopped all the workouts because I want to get through with this. I want my mind to be at rest. I want to scream already.

I seriously am going crazy.
And with that I am gaining weight.

IS THERE A RELATIONSHIP?