I know I'm evil. I can admit it shamelessly when it doesn't matter. I'm a seducer, and I wait for the moment you won't care what I say to warn you that I am evil. That is the way I am.
I did my run today; only a mile, but I did some other walk/jog, I can't tell you how much because I wasn't counting. I also did pull-ups between laps. I did 5 sets of 8 and one set of 10. That totals to 50, and it was over a 40 minute period or less.
Really, I haven't worked hard enough...
Debit card came in the mail. Its a Visa, so I can buy things online for the first time in my life. I'm sad about other things at the moment though.
Food: blegh. I am not even counting today, I know its about 3000. Thankfully its mostly protein, and I worked hard enough to make some of the carbs nullified. I don't know what is up with me, maybe I'm hungry or something, but I didn't stop eating. Not all day. And I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it back. I want that emptyness. And I want to be like all those girls with the willpower to do this every day for 50 days. I won't be allowed to starve during drum corps (maybe if I purge...) but I don't know. Parts of me say that I'm fine the way I am. I know I am thin enough for my liking. What I want is starvation. Empty. Headaches. Dizzy. Dark sleep.
I want to be comrade to the women that I love so much. For some reason I love Anorexia. The deathly thin, the ones that are still normal weight, but starving every day of their life, and the girls without the confidence for every day. I just want to lay down and die with them. I want to starve and succumb to darkness.
Tomorrow is Wednesday. Its easier to starve when I am home alone.
Funny thing is, whenever I mention food, drink or eating my mother FREAKS out now. She acts like I could die. I tell you, I won't die from Ana, we are separated too much. And I am not strong enough to hold on tightly enough. I've kinda let go of her.
But I still love you.
All of you.
Beyond this love, I have no other.
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i really identify with what you say here.
ReplyDeleteI used to have willpower you describe, eating only 200 calories a day. working out all the time! So now i will warn you - do not, just do not(!) purge! Thats when it all got screwed up. i ate a sausage one day and i thought id die so i ran out and purged it. and from then on - it all got screwed up. Now i eat like you described, i just dont stop eating. I just eat from the time i come home from school to bed and i feel so full and disgusting. Usually i purge, but im trying to quit and its awful.
Anyway - dont purge, it fucks everything up!
Thanks for warning me.
ReplyDeleteI will never have to quit if I never start.
Love this blog!!! i feel like i know you.. :) u have to remember that muscle burns more kcal than fat.. obviously you have only muscle (no fat).. so you can eat more. and you exercise a LOT!! STAY STRONG HUN!! xo
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