November 24

Oh, sorry about the false alarm. You see, I was so confused with my life I didn't notice the blood drive is next week. I shall be ready to give then thank you.

"She knows"
"Get away from me... I'm listening to you right now"
"You ate a lot today"
"And I'm not eating now, yeah I ate more than usual, but it was still below normal"
"Really? What did you eat?"
"Cookie dough, enough for 4 cookies, cereal- 1 and a half cups-, a sandwich bag of broccoli, 8 waffers (150 cals), a crepe..."
"And?"
"Nothing. I told you I was listening."
"Were you, that is a lot"
"I'll count it up quick if it makes you happy. I'm estimating 200 for the cookie dough, 350 for the cereal because its got all those nuts in it we know, 25 for the broccoli, and we know the 150. Then I'll give a 300 for that crepe even though it was small. So what was that huh?"
"1025, but you didn't count drink"
"Yeah, but we know I don't want to count that... otherwise I'm going to the 'unhealthy' habits"
"I'm not unhealthy... I'm trying to help you"

"I'm going to keep that body of yours beautiful okay?"

Maybe this isn't normal It feels too normal. My hip bones feel so good! But when I ate... It felt like they were pulling back. That was just my stomach bulging. I didn't eat SO much food my stomach would bulge, but I did have a gas reaction to the cookie dough- which wasn't the worst kind of dough there is anyway. It was a finish ribbon cookie dough. Oh, and I forgot 1 or 2 cookies, they had jam in them. so what 1100. Its under 1200. That is a realistic goal. And health professionals can't complain too much because I drink stuff too.

Health professionals recommend never going below 1200 calories a day for extended time.


So my grandpa is dying. I went to the hospital in ICU tonight to talk to him. I held his hand and asked him questions. I talked about drum and bugle corps while remembering how he used to eat flowers in his salad as a kid. He is jittery, confused, there is phlegm blocking his airway, the doctors don't have a complete diagnosis on why he suddenly nearly passed away, but he has had cancer for years. He probably will not make it to Thanksgiving which is 2 days away. I love him.
He is on marijuana, he thinks its cool. I think it is cool too. He does remind me a little of once when I was near high friends. He shakes a lot, and rambles. Lots of energy for someone who can't sleep or walk because his knees collapse.
Personally I think dying is cool. I'm sad for my grandpa, but I don't want to save him. I just want him to get some sleep before he dies, and I want him to leave ready; so if he has to say goodbye, or if he has to get up on his feet and die trying to walk then so be it. I want him to have the strength to go out the way he wants. Marijuana was always something he wanted to try before dying so he got that. It doesn't stop the pain he said, but he said it saves him from those other places.
He woke up at 3:30 because he had uncontrollable vomiting. He can't sleep. He is wired in at both arms at the bend in the elbow, and he has something in his left chest. We visit him.
I was glad I came, and when I told him I was glad of that he thanked me. I asked him if he ever thought it would be the last time, and that was when he looked me in the eye and turned normal for a second. He said he had been thinking that way for... and then he just lost track. But when he was trying to remember since he started thinking of death I saw fear in his eyes. He was afraid of something, maybe afraid I would find him weak.

I'll always remember that my grandpa died in a good way. Sure he can't do anything but wait, and he is hard to understand because he is so tired and drugged. But before he died he thought about it really hard, and then he talked to all of us, not all of us about death, but he was able to...
I'm looking to say something about him. You know... if you were to die. You would just want to lay down and sleep, but he keeps moving. He can't get out of bed- no strength- but keeps readjusting his pillow, scooting forward and back, crossing and uncrossing his legs. I think, that if he lives for a week like this, he will get up. To me, the best thing that could happen is that he gets up, and while everyone thinks it is all over he tells them that he is ready, and it is ready for him.

"The wise man is not caught unawares by death, when it comes his time he is always ready"

Stay Beautiful