Body A Is Am I All

All I am is a body...

I have nothing when this is gone. If I stop working on my body I die. I am mindless, ambitionless, emotionless. If you break a bone so i can't walk I become half dead.

I have nothing to offer you but my body...

Giving blood is so important to me. But I'm having a hard time. I was so dizzy today from abstaining meals that I can't remember much. Life went by in a blur, uncordinated mess, but I'm getting thinner so it is okay.
Last night I gave myself a reward. I took a long hot shower. It was the greatest gift I could have gotten. It felt so much better than food tastes.

I love that song: Butterfly by Crazy Town. The lyrics are smooth, I wish I could talk like that.
F-F and I... I can't even think about that. I'm out of it. But I can tell you when my mind clears up she is there, until the fog covers all traces of her again. When I get into a relationship with her I hope I do not eat just to keep her in my mind. wow, that was selfish of you. I don't mean any insult to her. What I want is for her to be on my side. I would do anything to have her on my side. After all, I'm just trying to be more beautiful. I do not know... She is part of a good family. She would oppose all form of harm. I love her partly because of that.
A long time ago she found my poetry when I would write about 'the game' as I called it. I wrote about a demon torturing me. For one page I had described how the demon skinned my hand. For another he drowned me. In yet another dream he constricted vines from a rose bush on my skin; the thorns piercing and drawing blood, he scratched my eye and blood ran down my cheek mingled with tears and inter-um-what-is the word? fluid. I tried to reach my hand up to tend to my damaged eye, and the vines held me down, the thorns bit deeper, and I died bleeding to death. Strung out like a wet rag.
She read one, or maybe more, of these papers (much more graphic than I put here) and decided to talk to me; even though she was so shy she never would have on her own. But out of necessity and streghth she reached out to save me. This was 2-3 years ago, in the first year we had known each other. Since then she has grown, more kind, more caring, more beautiful.
Talent streaming out of her ears and grace flowing from her mouth.

I was disappointed tonight. We had some kind of a party that I had forgotten about. Where I had eaten nothing until this, I had to eat during it. I had rich food; salmon, Caesar salad with artichoke in it, asparagus (cooked in a special way that I invented), 1 shrimpn (people told me to eat the last one and watched me eat it), a leaf of lettuce, celery (yay!), tried a little of a cheese log, and finally, a slice of pumpkin cheesecake. I do not want to even estimate how the grossness sheer quantity of calories I consumed. I thought of purging; but I'm not doing it. I did so well for the rest of the day. I played tennis in the morning- windy as could be outside today- and went to work. I hate parties.

MY GRANDPA DIED.
THE ENTIRE PARTY PEOPLE TALKED ABOUT HOW WE SHOULD CELEBRATE AT HIS FUNERAL BECAUSE HE HAD A GOOD LIFE; "Mourn his death, celebrate his life" AND THE WHOLE TIME I'M DREADING ANOTHER PARTY. I SHALL GO THROUGH WITH ANYTHING FOR HIM. I WILL BE THERE FOR HIM, NO PARTY, NO STARVING, NOTHING ELSE.
I'm so emotionless I know I will not miss him. I can't help it. Please readers, forgive me, I can't even get to the point where I feel sorry for myself. I live a life without emotion. I am a rock.


I am nothing but a body...

Stay Beautiful