Muscle Cold

Friday?
Where did Thursday go? I know Thursday was amazing. It was everything I should have failed at.

And today... eh... It was okay.
I did over 2,000 push-ups today. (broken over two 2 intervals, one 2 hour with 1250 and one 1 hour with 750: reps were broken into 50 push-ups) Really? Whatever... I sound like I'm making it up. I don't know if I would believe it. Especially if I heard myself ramble (I made a practice Vlog- may be a future kind of thing coming up- on the experience) on how on push-up 1,100 I could barely move. And how 1,145 felt impossible. And how 1,250 wasn't done, how I collapsed on that one. Then I got up and did two. I had to make up for failing.

I used to have something called abs. I can't see them. Personally I feel like I lost them. I gained way too much 'bulk' from the intense work I've been doing. I know it is not necessary, and there will be something done about this. I will do something about this.

You see, I can't plan. But I can tell myself what needs to be done. If I keep my goal real, I will find the time for it. I just have to want it. And every time I take my shirt off I want it back. I want to feel beautiful... not bulky. I don't know what happened, because I'm the same size, but when I look at myself I feel so wide. Its gross. Its those lines that disappeared... they made me feel like I was wearing a vertical stripe pattern and that felt thinner. I need it back.
And the push-ups make me feel so weird. My posture is... wacky. It forces me to slouch, and then when the soreness leaves (all the sudden it leaves... but I know if I tried to do work it would be sore) I feel like I can't tell when I'm straight.
And posture is something I pride myself in.

Hm... this brings me to one thing that I would ask of F-F. Pull your hips back. If there is one thing that I want from you is perfect posture. She has a great body, a pretty face, all the things that satisfy the shallow base I am. She has a shy demeanor, and an artist's mind; her kind soul shows love for me when it is undecided on whether it does love me or not. That suits my romantic taste. Posture. Needs posture.
And
Pride. One thing I couldn't stand is her saying "I am his girlfriend." No, you are not.
He is your boyfriend. Always say: "He is my boyfriend."
Not even "My boyfriend is him": unless you say "I have a boyfriend: and it is him" Own him.
I don't want you to be trapped into the mentality of being his. Because... you don't even know what happens in all my dreams.

For all you people that think I'm just pointlessly rambling... Do you ever have that moment where you compare someone to the person you love? When you compare them, do you ever think about where you would start when you are going to carve them alive?
I'm allowed on the streets.
Because... I have control over everything.

I'm sometimes afraid that only Anorexics, or drug addicts would understand. But yes. 2,000. Today.
And tomorrow?
No Plans.

This is Friday. The 13th of November. I did 2,000 push-ups. I ate a breakfast, a salad, and a pizza (not a whole fool pizza). I can live on less. I have more important things to focus on I hope.

Stay Beautiful