"I'm afraid my crush will think I hate him because I'm afraid to be around him..." - F-F

I don't know. I really don't know.
Me,
I am afraid of the weight I lost... how I needed a cold or flu or whatever to lose. I'm afraid that although I ran today, and I have the assistance of Daylight Savings time to help me stay at my best, I will not lose any more. I'm afraid of the weakening I can feel every day I don't push myself harder and harder...
I'm afraid before every meal, after every meal. I'm planning constantly: thinking "what is the least I can survive with?" and "what is the most I can do with it?" I look in the mirror, and I'm afraid because I see myself so large. I want to be thinner, and yet people tell me all the time: too tall. Too skinny.
NO SUCH THING.

I want to be alone... so alone. I want a place in an icy house where I can cling to myself and become smaller. I just want to lay in a semi-awake state until the problem thaws. And I know... that if I was in this cold house, alone, in shades of black and white, I would still want someone else. Maybe just to keep warm. I want someone to bring me home. Because I really don't want to live in the ice forever...
scum.

I hope tonight I dream well. I want to be on a large seabearing vessel, with clear misty spray rising due to fair winds. A bright sky with minimal clouds, a mast full of wind, no land in sight, but a clear direction and goal. Yep... tonight I go sailing.

Oh... for those of you keeping track: I ate like a king.
Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat
Morning: large homemade wheat waffle, herb tea.
Lunch: Beef stroganoff (spelling... ew), yogurt, blueberries.
Snack: Wasabi covered Peas, artichoke dip, carrots
Dinner: Rib eye steak, green beans, potato
Dessert: Yogurt, Chai tea

I shouldn't eat dessert. I can't say I deserve such a thing. My gosh... I'm so frustrated with myself. I work tomorrow in the morning. I'm waking up at 5:00AM and pretending I just had a daylight savings error. With the extra time... I think I can put in a mile in freezing cold temps. Or SOMETHING.
Today activity: random push-ups... getting weaker, even my one-armed is not doing so well.
Volleyball for at least an hour, with a break to play tag with little kids
Run, 2 and a half miles.


Stay Beautiful...