Finest

I have surrendered to geekdom. Magic The Gathering took my soul for a while... I'm sorry I let it happen everybody!
Now I have this huge mess of cardboard pretty cards everywhere...
I have been bored.

Today was a struggle. It felt like there wasn't enough food in me and I ate a small small portion of dinner. I'm so glad I got away with it. Yet the whole time, I felt like I ate too much. I would eat an apple and think too much sugar. And so I never ate my pear.
One liberating thing is giving food away. G. hung out with me while I typed up a last minute draft of a term paper and I have him food. Friends help you out when you are in need. And if I collapsed while making my dizzy-headed way up the stairs, G. would have saved me. Of course, I wasn't even dizzy headed until he left. Then I felt so out of it.

F-F wants me to see her again this weekend. Saturday night we shall meet when the sun is down. It will be crowded, she will be surrounded by some kind of group of people, so it would be the time for me to show the world what I feel for F-F is true. I have to show myself this. The worst part of this... I feel sick thinking about it. How can I publicly say to someone "I love you" when I am so afraid of the crowd? I know I can do it... but can I feel it while I do it? Can I leave the eyes of the people staring at me behind me, and keep my focus on the one it should be on? I am more afraid of myself and my own in-competencies than the crowd's judging eye.

What did I eat today? Well, I know I did pretty well because I can't even think of what I ate... I ate breakfast of those bars I made... That was the worst thing of the day. And those things are really healthy. I like that when I bring them with me for food they are so easy to get people to try. I say "I made this banana bread with no butter and no egg- not even substitutes" and they are like "no way" and so I break of half for them so I don't have to eat as much. They always say that it is really good. One time my friend Watson said "its really dry", but that was with the original recipe; which I changed so that they are always moist. I do know how to cook!
I will talk more about these banana bread bars some other time. I practically make them twice a month, and I hardly have to eat any of them because they are so good my family eats them for breakfast, snack and dessert and never notices when I do or do not touch them.

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday because I have been far too lazy for my own good. Or my own bad if you think working on my physique is a negative thing.
I should go to sleep and get the earliest start I can tomorrow!
So goodnight
and

One last thing... I have not told F-F I have an ED. I want her to be my girlfriend in the future. For now we are not Boyfriend and Girlfriend, but we might just be as soon as next month. I've brainstormed things like what to do for a really romantic first kiss, but I don't know when to break it to her that the guy she is with wants to be a skeleton and needs to starve. Because if I had to choose... Would it be Ana or F-F?
It is sad that I would even consider such a thing... I would choose F-F. But I would at least miss Ana, and I wouldn't go easily. Because I can't. I don't want to leave.

Stay Beautiful