Should be somewhere

I should be working my butt off somewhere else. Right now I should be tired, and hardly rested. In pain.
But I'm home. I haven't even done anything for the school work I HAVE to try. I have to try.
I'm not ready. I am not healthy right now. And I have eaten so much. I'm just not emotionally ready for schoolwork. I don't know how. I mean... I'm going to just talk in circles- sorry- If I read words, I have a burning in my forehead. Thoughts of what I can do right now for school burn out. And I think of food. Then I try to fight and think about my body. But I can't. I can't focus. So difficult.
Right now I feel hopeless. I'm not ready for anything.

You ate lunch.
I have eaten more than that... I'm closign my eyes. I can't take this anymore.
I can't stand you. You don't have the power to do anything. What do you think I feel? You say you are tired? I'm frustrated. I'm grieving, I have to carry the regret your actions cause. Why can't you just do things right. Starve yourself. Run. Hurt. Pain will do you a lot of good.
I'm not ready.
Hell. Punish yourself.
I don't think i can.
You can. There is time. That is all you need to punish.
I'm not ready.
Neither am I.

So F-F likes someone else. Actually, after the first shock, it made me happy. I'm ashamed though, because I knew I didn't like her that much. I know that sometimes guys do what I did, they like a girl a lot just because they think she likes them. I KNOW that. And I did it. Thankfully she doesn't like me. She just wants me as a friend. Which means I don't have to feel bad about hiding this from her. I can be her friend. She won't try to stop... Actually she would if she knew. She puts a lot of care into her friendships. Although her friends do not do the same to her. I can say I like her still. It is safe. She trusts me too. All of this is wonderful, they way it worked out. It could have been worse. Especially if she likes me.
But she asked me about another guy. Told me she likes him. She said it so well. She said that she couldn't stop thinking about him, and when he leaves she wanted him to not go, and she asked me if that was how it feels to be in a crush. First, those words crushed me. But the liberated me from the cage I restricted myself to. The fear I had welded around me. I'm no longer afraid, and now I have a friend that talks to me like she does to no one else. She confides in me, and that is what I want. It sounds better than being a boyfriend girlfriend.

I'm sorry... I'm horrible.


Stay Beautiful