The kind of things i say

I'm going to be donating bone marrow in two days. I look forward to it not because I'm going to be giving some 12 year old in desperate need a piece of me (the reality is that he could still die with my marrow), but because I'll be losing a whole liter of weight.
Now all the people in the organizations running this show wanted to be extremely cautious with me. I tested Anemic in 2 separate blood tests before the surgery was scheduled and I recently got over an incredible sickness (I say incredible because I lost probably 3lbs and was so sick I could hardly stand or sleep). And since then I haven't had all the symptoms disappear.
It sounds like the surgery should be postponed, BUT lucky me... The kid I'm giving to really needs the bone marrow as soon as possible.
So horray!
I really hope that this proceedure weakens me significantly enough that I get as drastically sick post-operation as I was last month.
That is what I want for Chrstmas.


I think I'm suicidal











\


stay beautiful

Other options

I didn't fail the Iron test today.
Giving blood to myself... isn't there something disgusting and selfish about that? I donated blood today so I could give it to myself.

On an unrelated note I hope I die from the surgery.

I talked to people today.
I smiled at a lot of people today.
I hate myself...

I can't escape feeling like shit for being 'happy'. Its not happy. Not when I have so much to do. And I confessed my eating disorder to my Nutrition professor. She volunteered to give me until AFTER the class is over to turn in my diet analysis because I sent her an email telling her it is slightly triggering and I'm trying hard to pull through it.
I'm just a wimp.

I fear I'm going to fail Chemistry. I can demonstrate the purpose of the labs with my eyes blindfolded, well you don't need your eyes to find the purpose of the experiments... but I thought I'd say that. I at least know my chemistry. It is evident in the tests. Who knows... I might yet get pity points in my Chemistry class and pass. I doubt it. I'll likely get the F I deserve.
I'm not afraid to die.

But that's regular news. Nothing new. Its not like I have never failed a class before. I have failed many times. But I wasn't talking about classes there. I was talking about myself. I've failed myself thousands of times and I'm still alive.
It is almost irrelevant that I don't care if I go early.

Finals always puts me in this mood.
I just feel like the word infers some kind of end and I never think of ending learning. When finals are through I read books and research whatever random thing absorbed me at the tail end of my classes. I'm likely to research nuclear programs and metaphysics and Dawkins. Just to see...
But I have surgery to worry about for a few days of break.
I should really try to get back into video games... I think of suicide less when I think more of what character I'm going to choose and what approach I'm going to take.
But its nice to be in the world of the living.


Lots more options here.


stay beautiful

From my Frame

I'm so cruel. I can't watch fat people without wondering how they ever got to be so fat. I wonder why they haven't tried to lose weight.
From my frame of reference losing weight is just about the point of living.


stay beautiful

Wanting to rename this blog

Some updates.
More failures.
Audition lead to not making a spot. In fact I was asked what the point of auditioning was because I was so unimpressive. And I knew that would happen. But something in me told me it was worth trying for. I needed to try for something for my own sake...

I lost a considerable amount of weight. A grand total of 2 lbs.
Sad huh? Well... I hit the barrier; I climbed the fence into unhealthy practices. I got Anemic. Formal diagnosis. I actually got iron supplements as a prescription. Isn't that cool? I'm showing a symptom of the greater disease. My true metal self, along with the bones under the flesh, is starting to reveal itself.
I want to be diagnosed... But I don't even feel good enough for that.


I volunteered a long time ago to have my DNA registered for bone marrow donation. Turns out I'm a match for a 12 year old. A serious match. And even though I am Anemic I get to give my bone marrow. Exciting...
Want to know what one of my favorite parts about this is? I'll be losing a liter of bone marrow. That is a liter of weight gone for a while. I'll lose weight. Not the fat I want to lose... not the muscles that I could lose to look better in some places, but at least the number will go down.

What else is new?
Over this period of no updates I turned in my applications. I might just be declined for the places I applied to.
And when I've failed at that what do I do? Where do I turn? I've spent too much time already in community college, studying almost nothing. I've been taking all the wrong classes for the career path I want. But I don't care what I do with my career. I can do anything. I'm strong. I'm resourceful. I know how to make people happy.
Something else that changed... I only use one space after a period. I notice it.

I also want to rename this blog.
I don't know what to...

For 3 days I've eaten a regular diet. This disturbs me...
I went for weeks without a regular day. Maybe that is what I was spending all my time doing...
I might have gained a pound back.
I can feel my heart working harder... but I'm not getting anywhere.
At least there is the future to look forward to.
December 15th is the day I donate my bone marrow


stay beautiful

How to be a board member

I returned from a 3 day trip today.  Something about a reward for the service hours I've done... and everyone else on this 3 day retreat did.  Some community service organization.
I wonder how this organization really does exist.  Where does the money come from?  What do the higher ups look like?  What did it take to give all of us the cheering, feasting, workshoping weekend we had.
And it snowed.
In barely Northern California... snow is a big deal.  I live about 4 hours away from the retreat.  Others present lived 12 hours away.  In the same state.  California is big...

Snow isn't as cold as I remember it being.  Maybe it was just that place, but the snow there fell like powdered sugar.  The snowflakes would catch in the hair of all the girls and for a full second before it melted you could see its exact shape; every unique crystallization.
There was so much beauty there.

And yet... it does nothing to heal me.  It just makes the two things always on my mind move closer to the front.
I need to work harder.
I need to get thinner.


I felt as if I didn't deserve to meet all the people I saw there.  Too many happy people.
Too many people on the way to success... I don't see how I get to stay in the same place as them.  I feel humiliated when I think about what I am and where I come from.

Low GPA
Community College
struggling at that...
Working a job that was practically handed to me.
And still so poor I'd die if I weren't still under the roof of my parents.

I haven't run in a while.
I liked how in the past I could at least say to myself that I know I can run.  At least I can run.
Now all I can say is that I used to be able to run; that isn't good enough.



So... I'm no longer good enough.
I need to progress.



stay beautiful

Fool

I looked at my written diary- written a few years ago.  2007-2008.
Its not the best way to get to know me.
At all



stay beautiful

I just noticed you

No one is here to take your call

I'm so sorry people...
I missed a call during my chemistry class today.  It probably has something to do with the lab that I couldn't do yesterday.  It might have something to do with the new appointment I have that is now 3 hours from where I live.  I hope that is a joke.
Supposedly a 12 year old boy needs my bone marrow soon.

But this isn't my top priority is it?
NO.
There is no such thing as a priority.
We invent priorities.
School is not more important than fun.  That paper is not more important than a night of sleep.  We determine it is because we are afraid of what happens when we fail assignments and fail classes.  Dropping school can be a wonderful thing.  I'm not doing it because school is a state of comfort for me.  Its an environment filled with learning; something I thrive with and suffer without.  I like school.  I don't need it.  I mostly like school because I can socialize; or hope to socialize with people.  People ask me scholarly questions.  Things they won't say in layman life.  People will understand the context of whatever I'm saying; be it proteins, lipids, carbohydrates in organic chemistry and nutrition and biology.  I go to school to seek acceptance from people.
Without school I feel people don't want to know me.
They think I'm too smart.
Too thin.

You know what I am?
Too alone

and that is why I seek out you

I can't really get along with anyone.  I can talk to anyone.  I can say hi, but its meaningless words.  I tend to point that out because I want to get to the point where we talk about something real.  I tend to forget people care about small talk.  Or I tend to not care about it myself and I'm confounded as to why others care about it at all.
I need someone I can rant to.  Someone that can reply.
NO.
I don't need anyone.
I can suffer alone.

If I want the suffering to go away
      I need someone that can help me

I want to do something to this world.
Regardless of whether or not I get help I want to help other people.


I don't hate you. 
I just wish you cared about me like I care about you




stay beautiful
stay beautiful

Yesterday to today

Yesterday I noticed all my pants are bigger on me than they have ever been in the past.
Today I managed to eat more in just 1 meal than I have in entire days for a few weeks.
It really wasn't that much... and all of it was healthy.


The main point is... I've been having a successful diet and today something happened to change that.  Actually it wasn't even today that did it.  Saturday I ate 2 cookies; the most sugar I had consumed in months.  I'm going to preach this forever... sugar makes you eat.
When I eat things high in fat combined with things balanced in protein and carbohydrates I feel fine.  I'm not hungry unless I've gone an inexcusable amount of time without food.  Exercise of course helps.
Sugar screws up everything.  Its an addiction.  Eat something with high sugar and wait for an hour, you'll want more sugar.  Its because the sugar spike went away and your body is telling you "hey, that was great! Lets do it again!"
Deprive your body of that high and it won't tell you to eat 24 times a day.
Only the 4-8 times you should eat.

Sounds like a lot... but its really not.


This doesn't explain why the cats are always hungry... its not like we give them brownies.
Oh well.
Its not like I have actual scientific data to back up my claims.
One of these days I might.


I've been busy
school
up the butt
school up the butt
and that is all that has been going up my butt.

I don't hate school, but I could use a break.

maybe a day off work will help.


stay beautiful

Machine without a dream

Looking in the mirror he thought to himself: boy do you look chubby.

It was so difficult to run today.  I didn't run far or fast.  Just on a full stomach and after a period of laziness where I seem to only run once a week.  That should change.  If I can run tomorrow.  I'm not sore.  So I should be able to.


What else matters besides beauty?
Only beautiful things make me happy.

I had a bit of anxiety at work.  No one but me would know.
Reading a few pages at a time.
Playing pokemon.
Showing up to class.  Not doing all the work.  I don't want to do all the work.
Existentialism is a humanism (by Sartre) is interesting to me.  I hope I finish it.  Halfway.  Still.

Repeating.

I am nothing more than what I realize.  With my actions.
Act.
or else you are not.

I can say I have an eating disorder.  I might in my mind.  But in reality... I do not have the severe gauntness associated with eating disorders or the self image anxiety that ED patients display.  Nope.  I'm obsessed with food and beauty and exercise.
Nothing unusual.



I'm missing a purpose

Stay beautiful

Respite

It was like I woke up.  After 2 hours of doing dishes the fog lifted and I was okay with it.  I wasn't scared of being free for once.

It might have been all the food I consumed at the party the night before.  It could have been that I didn't feel lonely for some reason.  It could have been the dishes.


I might have tangible hope because I've made a friend.  Female.  Fun.  Thin.  Innocent.
I don't know what I'm going to do.  But I can tell you that if her innocence is lost at all... It will be her decision.  I facilitate... sometimes.  I really don't know what I am until I do something.



I've been reading The Picture of Dorian Gray again.
Existentialism is a Humanism by Sartre for Philosophy.  I like it.  Got halfway through. I'm hoping to get to the end.  Sartre is supposed to explain why we feel loneliness and sexual desire in terms of Existentialism in either this or his book about Nothing.  If I don't see it in this book I'll have to read the other one.  I need to know more.



I've never made coffee before.  I tried this morning.  Failed.
Tea be easy.


I might have a compromised immune system.  I went to sleep at 3am today and woke up at 8am.  I did hours of chores and spent time with people.  I should be tired, but I'm not.

We'll see if this is my respite.
Or if its just the top of the mountain before I tumble down.
Maybe I'm going uphill but don't notice anymore.  I've tried so hard leading up to this day.


And its not important anyways

stay beautiful

Tree in my head

I desperately posted something on PT about my mind hurting.  I've had a lot of that lately.

Today I had breakfast, three apples, dinner, and 2 glasses of milk.
So weak.
SUCH A ROTTEN PIG.
I looked so lustfully at that zucchini chocolate snack cake.  I've had 1 piece in the whole week since my mother made it.  It was so good.  But I can't... its giving in.  I can do anything but give in.

never eat what you are craving.
\


I'm part of a nutrition club on campus.  Officially I'm the treasurer.  Thursday I have to cook lentils for a healthy food fundraiser we are doing.  I'd like to claim credit for inventing it... it was my idea.  But everyone else did the organizing for it.
I'm a useless bag of...
of lentils.
Smelly lentils.


My life got unorganized.



Yesterday night I tried to go for a run.  I must have eaten something expired...  I had such terrible diarrhea its a good thing I turned back after a mile because I forgot to bring my DS.  TMI
so what.

I need to do homework, but the fact of the matter is I'm finding it hard to think.  Something about being light headed.  Not enough glucose for my brain?  I'm learning about this in nutrition.  I should have enough glucose... 3 apples.
The space behind my eyes feels occupied.  By an unthinking tree.  It isn't quite me.  And so its hard to think.  I'm bumping and twisting trying to maneuver the roots. 





stay beautiful

eh

Now I'm light headed. 
Didn't take much to change that.


stay beautiful

Unattached and forgotten

I'm forgotten.  Wonderful.

When I was a child I used to get punished a lot.  I'd be put on time out a heck of a lot.  Sometimes when i was on time out I would be forgotten.  It got me into a paranoia... every time I'd be put on time out I'd be so scared they would forget me I'd keep telling myself to ask how much longer I was supposed to be disappeared for.  I can't trust people to remember me, no matter how great an impression I make.  Not after a childhood of that.

And what do i think when I forget people?  I find it harder to forget when someone is trying to talk to me.  But I still make mistakes.  Genuine mistakes I hope...  I can't tell the difference between a genuine mistake and another mistake.  They look the same from the outside.


Recovered.  Damn.
I was on track, and now I'm not.  I don't know what happened, but suddenly I wasn't hungry.  Well i ate more, just a little more.  I felt so hungry I couldn't take it so I ate some more.  And that took away the hunger... the constant dizzy hunger I was getting used to.  This translated over a few meals, a few days, and now I'm recovered... sort of.  Not in the mind, just not in the habit anymore.
I haven't eaten chocolate in a long time.  My boss bought me dark chocolates.  I can't eat them.  I might be at a month without chocolate... I could go so much longer!  What if I go a year without chocolate?  Think of all the empty calories I'm cutting out.
Seriously... no food is worth the body I want.  I'm willing to die for it.

I wonder if there is a cure.  I'm willing to live healthy enough to never fast a whole day... well I will one day, but I haven't yet.  And I eat enough to live.  I'm positive I'm getting the nutrients and calories I need for life.  Its the days where I get just enough of everything, but then take a run that I lose weight.  I must be doing this right...  Is there any reason to take away the habits?  The guilt that I use to keep on track?  The willpower it takes to say no so many times to myself...  so many times I could cry about it.  But I'd rather die than give up.
Can't anyone understand?


I have daydreams about cutting myself.  I'm such a wimp when it comes to pain but I want to experience it again.  I'm itching...  I might forget the hunger for a second.  I might learn something about fighting through pain... if I can beat pain then I can run on my foot when it bothers me.
I think that is where I lost it.  My foot started to hurt more often.  I stopped running to recover it.  I ate the same with much less exercise.  I'm hungry right now.  But I've eaten more than enough.


I think... I typed about food because I don't want to think about anything else.
Nope
rest of my life today will be a secret.



stay beautiful

Losing weight/myphysicalself

I've never been so... on track.

I could say I'm tired but I don't know how true that is.  I can somehow still run for miles and miles even though I barely have enough energy to feel.  Serious.  Sometimes I can see my hands touching, but I can't feel what I'm touching.  Instead I get the sensation of blood sloshing in my arms or something, like my body is so weak that the blood accidentally flows the wrong way sometimes.  I know this isn't true, if I can run for miles I still have a strong heart.
But it might be all I have.
I'm so weak...  I plank for 2 minutes and almost pass out.  I saw the ground 1 millimeter from my face, but I was higher than that... it was just my vision spinning.  Whenever I close my eyes I feel myself spinning.  I like to imagine I'm just more perceptive and feel the rotation of the Earth.


Descartes is full of crap.
Serious...  He was blinded by his opinion that God existed.  It caused him to make a mistake in the First and Second meditations... well mostly second.  "I am precisely and only a thing that thinks"
WRONG
You might not know what I'm talking about...
But Descartes is brilliant.  He knew a lot about how little people can be certain of.  He begins first meditations by saying he has assumed a lot of things in his life and should stop that.  Eventually it crosses his mind that he might be dreaming, and that his body isn't real, its just a piece of the dream.  He tries to somehow prove he is awake, but it seems no matter what he thinks he could just be dreaming.  Even his mathematics,  2+3=5 might be fictions that he made up in a dream.  He doubts everything... and eventually he finds one thing he can't deny.
He says he must exist.  Because, if he were to doubt his existience, it would require HIM existing.  Brilliant.
But he didn't know exactly what he was if he couldn't be certain his body was real.  Even though he knew HE existed, he could just be a ghostly imagination making everything material around him up.  His body could still be part of some dream or deception.  So he goes from here to ASSUME he is nothing but a thing that thinks.
Full of crap.
Because I'm more than a thing that thinks.
I am a brain.  Yes, it takes a physical brain in order to think.  If you removed a chunk of my brain essential for moving my hands then I would never be able to move my hands, thus never think those hand moving thoughts.  If you took out the piece of my brain that helped me store memories I'd never make new memories.  I need it to think.  I am not only a thing that thinks, I am a PHYSICAL thing that thinks.  You see, with Descartes' assumption and his declaration that you can never be certain your body is real he invented a dualist universe, where spirits and bodies coexisted.  THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SPIRIT.
Sorry if you believed before.

I'm obsessive.  More than ever.
I'm lonely.

So lonely...
And dizzy.

I've been eating...
but I've never been so
on track


stay beautiful

Shallow ended

I imagine myself a puddle of water.  My deepest thoughts are stagnant against the ground, and there is so much more to the surface, but that can so easily be disturbed.  One rough wind and everything changes.
When the water calms again I imagine myself as a puddle of water.
Nothing more than a puddle of water



stay beautiful

Nothing makes a difference

Its harder to think all the time now.  I've been on a restricted diet for a long time now.  I'm down to 140lbs again.  If I keep this up I might hit a new November low.
I stopped practicing my instrument.  I stopped doing the schoolwork the day before it is due.  I haven't done a run in a long time, BUT I have been eating less.

Enough of a difference to make a difference.
I'm tired all the time.  I can feel my body eating itself.  I feel weaker and thinner.  The abs are always visible... but its only because I've lost almost everything that could have covered them before.

And yet... i don't feel accomplished enough.  I need to go further and lose more weight.  If I skipped dinner entirely, instead of eating one slice of pizza... How much thinner could I be?  Its one of the few things I've eaten today and in retrospect I'm sad I had to give in.
I've lost my brain.  The only terms I can use are the simple ones.
Tomorrow I wake up early, I have school for 6 hours, an hour break, and then work for 3 hours.  I plan to be so exhausted after those that all I will want to do is sleep, but I'll munch down some dinner, take a run; hoping to burn it all away, and then sleep to wake up to almost an identical schedule.

Enough days of this and I'll be thin.


Oh... and something else.
I really want to take a picture of someone that I know on facebook and get a printout of it to put on my wall.  I want to see her sexy face and sexy legs in my room.
But... even this won't make me happy.




stay beautiful

Goldfish

I did an 11 mile run today.

Its so difficult to admit when I've accomplished something.  The slightest slip of the tongue will give me a headache.  Sometimes I think I'm order bound.
Its this condition from the books I read where a character can't tell lies without the order inside of him or her causing feedback.  Everything stable has order.  Iron has order, water has order, air probably very thin order.  And then there is chaos, which is basically destruction.  Chaos is almost always fire.

I didn't run the whole thing.  I might have been able to.  My final time was less than an hour and a half.  My friend did the run with me and was around 5 minutes behind me in the end.  Another friend rode a scooter... I was right behind him almost the whole time.
I got home with these two friends where we celebrated with a glass of chocolate milk.  Then we went out for some sort of ice cream dumplings at Trader Joes; I had 2.  I volunteered to walk home because it would make the rideshare easier.  Still... I shouldn't have had 2.  It wasn't even half the size of my palm.  I shouldn't be upset

I cried today.
I read about the life of someone who has suffered more than I ever will.  She has Dissociative Identity Disorder because of the memories she had to erase, and after reading I curled up into a ball and imagined what I would do if I met her.  I want to find her.  I'll admit I've been searching for her, and I'd provide her with a place to stay.  I was thinking what it would be like to hug her but my mind kept making me push her away after the imagined embrace.  I couldn't risk hurting her... So although we would hug I would always pull back like something stabbed me.  I'd let her run away, except I'd follow her.  And when she can't run anymore I'll say "let's start walking home" and then I'll hand her a water bottle.  I'll show her what I do...  where I work out to the closest I've been to oblivion and then I refresh the life with a little bit of sugar.  Maybe some chocolate milk.  And my favorite part of the dream was that if she wanted to give back to me I was able to invent the perfect gift.  I had a room with white walls and a hardwood floor and in this room were canvases and brushes and trays for paint, but no paint.  Instead... there were razors.

I have pictures given to me by my ex-girlfriend of whatever she was feeling at the moment.  They are all painted with her blood.  I requested once she draw a goldfish for me, and she drew a dead smiling goldfish with bubbles coming out of its mouth saying...

stay beautiful

Pas de deux

Dancing with someone,
forgetting.
Smiling isn't really possible at the moment


Crying makes my head hurt


I don't mind
What's on your mind?

Why do people not talk about themselves; what do they have to hide?  The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.  Yet a lot of people would rather be invisible.  They disagree.
Being born a human supplies me with certain tendencies.  I tend to feel social.  Like I need communication to be alive, but I know this to be a lie- I've gone a few days without talking and survived well enough.  It was hard to not be able to express thanks to people when they did favors for me, but overall I was relieved because I didn't have to argue or assert myself when I was silent.  I endured and suffered.
So it makes me question where the social instinct came from and what use it has.  Is this social instinct just another mechanism of the body to assist in finding a mate?  It matters that much?  I wonder how mindless I am as a human being.




I stared off into space for a good time.  I wouldn't recommend it, but I wouldn't tell you not to do it.
I remember when I was younger I used to spend time doing nothing.  I still spend time doing nothing, but sometimes when I'm doing nothing I'm planning out the next day in my head or throwing things away or otherwise using my hands to rearrange things.  Sometimes music plays in the background.  But its still nothing.  Not the same nothing anymore...
I'm not going to be worth reading tonight.

I read the previous post.  I'm a little disappointed.  It looks like I wrote that while I was 15.  The year I still didn't know the thoughts in my head.  Now I know, I don't want to admit, and I tell anyways.  And I lie...  I lie a lot.  But my mind is full of contradictions.
I think you can blame the truth for all my lies.
Why does the truth change?

I used to lay down and tell myself I was doing nothing, then I'd stop telling myself that or anything else and I wouldn't plan anything.  I'd daydream, but never in sentences... nothing in language, and I'd forget all of it.  So I used to be pretty good at doing nothing.  It seems I've lost that talent because I hit the end of my day and before I close my eyes because the numbers of the clock are too high I look back and see I've had to spend every minute working for something.
Maybe not...
Maybe I do a whole lot of nothing...


I really want to take a walk for a day.  I want to wake up and walk something like 30 miles because that would be so easy and that is all I want to do.
I think I'd lose weight if I did that for every day for a week.



I don't see any future

And even though the same words had been echoing in my head my whole life and I felt like she knew exactly what I was feeling I still felt misunderstood, mislead and lost.
I don't know what I look forward to anymore.



stay beautiful

Divided tracks

Tracking
–verb (used with object)

21.

to follow or pursue the track, traces, or footprints of.

22.

to follow (a track, course, etc.).

23.

to make one's way through; traverse.

 

 

We do an exercise in Drum corps called tracking, and basically it is playing a chunk of the show while marching straight ahead.  Compared to my personal drill movement and step size and all... tracking covers more distance and can be repeated more than any show chunk run from the performing positions.  Yet the one time we tracked it didn't hurt enough...  I just wasn't exhausted.  It takes too much to wear me down now that I have conditioned my heart to handle the cardio and my legs to move my weight and the arms to carry the tuba.  If I touch my arms or pectorals it feels like I have nothing but muscle... not an ounce of fat... or so it feels.  Yet my stomach still protrudes farther than my hips and my legs jiggle with every step.  I still have work to do, but I don't think I can solve the imperfections with exercise.  I think I need to starve the last bits of weight out.

Which brings me to a dilemma.  Do I give up what I have and go through the haze just to feel weak again but have the appearance I want for a short duration?  Is it worth the possibility that someone will figure out how serious the damage on the inside is and maybe I could lose everything because I will get locked up or sent away to be cured?  Is it even worth the sacrifices?  Worth not being able to think straight or walk correctly or listen to directions and perform like I should?  I don't want to be the weakest person out there or the dumbest person just because I have trouble accepting the way I am.

I don't know.

Some members got sick.  I think I was introduced to the same bug they were, as I had terrible gas (worse than usual, I confess I'm guilty of constant farts during practice) and was on the verge of throwing up for no reason.  But I decided I wasn't going to get sick because they quarantine the sick people and I don't want to be pulled out of participating.  So I ate.

When i feel I'm about to get sick I eat... I eat foods I like and things that will help me fight disease and then I wash my hands a lot.  I've washed my hands well over 10 times today.  The soap at home, as I just got home tonight, is a blue soap that says "dancing waters" on it.  I find it poetic.  Something pretty to dream about.

I lost my phone.  For the first time ever.

I played a solo tonight in front of an audience.

I performed.

I rehearsed.

I didn't have time for sunscreen.

I've been working harder than before, living off less (except for when I felt I was getting sick) and giving more.

More emotion...

More of myself.

I've been smiling a lot.

But I'm not even close to content.  I'm pleasant.  I'm distracted.  I feel healthy enough.  I have energy.  I even have something to do for now: providing me a temporary sense of purpose.  But I'm missing the one thing I really want: a companion.

And I've been trying to make friends...  but I feel like the people I want to meet are closing me off.  I know I can't be understood because...  because...  I don't think life is important.

So I question everything.

I don't know... why is everything the way it is?

...

/

I'm going to sleep.  I don't have much else that I want to say out loud.  I'm surprised that anyone wants to hear me.  I don't know who I am and I don't want to know who I am.  I don't care who I am.  I don't mind if I get hurt or live or die.  I've spent a lot of my time thinking...  and it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

One of the instructors said something interesting.

He told us a story about a Zen master who realized something in a rainstorm.

While traveling under the eaves of the trees I got wet and was astonished.  And by taking the clear road I was also soaked by the same shower.

Either way one will get wet.  By the careful path where we attempt to shelter ourselves the troubles and cold and whatever else we are trying to avoid will still reach you.  Or... you can take the straightest path you can regardless of the protections it gives and just hope you're strong enough to weather out the water.

I'm pretty sure that even though this is difficult and it hurts that I'm strong enough to make it the way I am going.

But maybe I want to alter my path.

I mean... what does it change?

stay beautiful

Searching dark waters

I have this trick that I use when I feel anxiety.

I don't think.
I don't even try to feel.
I send out my perception and try to change the world around me without doing anything.  Its different every time, but I've tried to turn the sun into a ball of darkness or change the people around me to stone or make the room I'm standing in empty so that no one has to see me fail.  Well... I do this without thinking.  I guess I dream when I feel anxiety and it pushes it away.  I tell myself that I can't feel it now and that I'll have time to feel it later.

The problem is... I never do feel it later.

Later...
I end up feeling like this.



And I don't even know what you call this.


I should have spent all day preparing... I'm about to close this netbook and take it with me, but I won't have internet to communicate with you.
I'll miss you.
Yeah...  you: nothing.
nothing at all
nothing important


I've been trying to dream of someone to replace the loneliness with and I wake up with a forgotten memory.  I think all I have been getting is blackness.


I did a run today.  My legs got heavy before I even started.  My blood sugar tanked too so I was sweating the kind of sweat you get when you're afraid, but I told myself that I didn't have time to faint and that I had enough energy to do it.  I got out there and ended up running the whole time because I wasn't going to let any of the people driving by see me walk.  I didn't feel anything then but my dehydration and the weight in my legs.
If I try too hard to remember I feel a shadow of the fear I could have felt, and while that shadow almost brings me to tears its a current compared to a storm of raging water.  I have focused sadness.


And maybe that is what this feeling is.
Focused
depression



stay beautiful

Again

I've come back because you wanted me to but I'm living the same life.  In a day I will be far away from a computer, and although I'll return to this room I've lived in my whole life for a while... I'll be sent away again.  Drum corps.  The usual story.
I got injured once and it got me thinking about defining what pain is.  Its something like your body telling you that you can't do something.  Pain is a sensational refusal of the terms you are in.  My body tells me I'm not supposed to put knives under my skin or stop eating or introduce bruises wherever I please.  And it made me want to break the barrier and outright refuse the pain my body gives me.  I want to be free.

One day I might test the limits too far and die.  Dying will be painful... but dying isn't part of pain.  Do you understand?  When you feel pain it isn't a piece of you dying... its the scream of mercy you get before a death.  Death is just destruction...  If you aren't separated or broken or rearranged in any way then you aren't dead.
I don't follow my own logic here...  I'll stop trying to explain.


What else happened?
The world got hot and then the world got cold.  I can live in heat even though I threw up a few times when it was over 100 degrees.  I've also been tracking my distance in rehearsal.  Usual rehearsal days are 10 miles and the usual show days are 5 miles.  Most of this distance is done while carrying the tuba...  but I can't say I find the extra 20 pounds of metal to be so difficult anymore because I've gained a little weight.  I'm still under 150lbs, but now I have more strength.  I was told by someone my body fat percentage is probably around 4%.  Its a lie.  I know it has to be somewhere around 12%.  People don't live at 4% body weight... well... I used to be there...  I'm sure of it.
I wish it were that easy to lose weight.  But its so hard...


I obsess over food.  I even confessed to someone that I was hoarding food, that i dream about it, that I think about it all the time, that I'm hungry even while I am eating...  I can't escape it.  I think I'm hopeless.


So what else am I doing?
Today I slept for 8 hours... the longest I have slept in a few weeks.  And the less I sleep the more I tend to eat.  So for the past few days I've been out of control, but for today I've proportioned the food well enough.
I got new shoes...  I need to protect my feet and joints.  I hope to run more or something extra because what I'm doing isn't good enough.
Oh... and I spent time with my sister.  She did a lot of things to me that I have done to other people.  She plugged herself in when she felt weak, she attacked objects, she laughed when she was angry and she grabbed my arm and held it (well... I don't really do that last one).  I'm starting to wonder if the behaviors run in the family... and why my parents have never had maniac episodes.  Maybe my sister and I are some kind of mixture that created a new phenomenon.  Or maybe I caused this to her.
I control myself all the time.  Even my explosions are muffled or in places no one else can see me.






I said today that happiness is in your own hands.  I never knew I was such a liar.


Hi.
I'm alive.
But I don't
care for it all that much





stay beautiful

If you are waiting for me to talk to you. Then NO.

He isn't available right now.  He's sitting in one place exploring a world that doesn't exist and destroying the house that he imagined.  His memories are cluttered on the floor.  Cluttered like his floor.  His face hurts, but its the fatal blow of an ugly stick... something he has always lived with.  Its nothing more than another night.

Echo.


So... do what he does.  Talk to yourself.  You'll find that keeping yourself company...  is as bad as him being the only company he has.



stay beautiful

Don't be calm

He talked in third person to her.  He didn't try to make sense.  The clearest words from his mouth were "I'm not going to argue with you.  It is only the intellectually lost who argue."
Little did she know... he didn't say anything the whole time.  He was a book.

Then I looked her in the eye and said that I was perfectly sane and she could trust me.  I was doing things with my life and working hard to be a good person.  I told her my day had been good.

And she said it was scarier that I said that so calmly than anything else I had done.



But I know how I was acting.  I was playing games.  Beautiful games.

I'm lonely.
And for some reason that matters so much to me that I find it hard to think.


I'll try to be intelligent some other time okay?

Thank you readers... the number count always changing when i go to my blog helps.  pageviews... I need to remember these words.  They are so simple...
Perspicacity: some kind of insight.  Something smart to be said or done.


Oh, I was at a Relay for Life.  The one I was supposed to Logistics for.  I set up for a lot of the event.  And... I was one of the few volunteers.  I led people that were not volunteers into helping.  And when the event started I felt so void and so much anxiety I had to go.  I couldn't stay.  People are walking right now... but I'm home because I was scared of something.  Or maybe it was the crying...
I couldn't take it anymore.
I did not belong.



stay beautiful

Chocolate chip

Have I been too busy to post?
Too tired maybe?
I don't know... maybe I've been using up my words talking to other people.


Right now I am in a pit.  So sad that I don't want to wake up tomorrow.  I want to sleep now.  But I don't think I reasonably can.  And tomorrow... tomorrow I might not sleep at all.
I'm ready to do something drastic tomorrow.
All for...  Something that no one will see.


I wish I was like you and I had the courage to put the wounds in my mind on paper or skin.  You... my listeners.  Perhaps some day I will be one of those people in the audience when it comes to this blog.

Sometimes I think of curses, the kind of magic you don't want to play with.  I think of what it would be like to lose a limb or have my voice taken from me or to be magically rendered deaf or blind or strange.  I find myself hoping a curse will fall on me and I'll have something taken away.
Right now I'm been thinking...  well I just forgot, but I'll sit here until I remember.  What if I was cursed with another personality?  What if I was cursed with DID?
But I'm not thinking what if.  I'm thinking "why can't this happen to me?"  Because I want to be sick.  I want to be so insane that you people can't help me.  I don't like the advice people give me; it won't save me from being lonely.  My problem is I am lonely.  There is no 'help' found in a pill for this.  Its sensation that can solve me.  The way to cure the soul is through the senses...
Perhaps I've been reading too much into The Picture of Dorian Gray.  I've been quoting it like I'm mad.  But I want to be mad...
At this point I'm hoping to develop a distinction between the part of me that says all these interesting things and the part of me that is conscious.  Maybe alcohol will solve all my problems.  But it is not drink I crave.

Its beauty.  I want something beautiful so bad that I feel the absence of it every second of my life.  I want something to die for!  Something for me to look at and work to have in my hands and to touch... it is only the beautiful things that are worth touching.
Again... a direct quote from Henry Watton without attribution (until now).  I'm becoming him.  A story book character, but the most brilliant character I believe in.


More than I want to believe in myself.

stay beautiful

Third again

He doesn't feel well.  Can't sleep.  Its too hard to work on school.  Why do I do this he asked himself in his head.  But there weren't any other voices to reply but his own.  He didn't know what to say.  Why did it all matter?  Where did it lead?
How much longer was the night going to be?
Words words words.  He typed more and more.
Always thinking... what is the use of these words.

What do points matter so much for anyways?  Isn't there another way?



stay beautiful

To protect humans

Confessions:
I gained a friend a while ago and found a clip where a pornstar looks like her.  I'm facinated, usually I delete these things right after seeing them, but not this one.
Oh, and I watch porn.  Its not the same as other people.  I think about what is going on in me and what is going on in the actors.  I can sense discomfort if there is any.
I visit Craigslist daily.  I look in the personals.  I'm trying to find someone lonely, local, and lunatic.  Someone I'd get along with.  I fear reading the posts written by laymen and laywomen are denting my intelligence.  I really want to stop, but its a habit now.   I literally have checked almost every day for a year at least.

That is all for now.


Now...
What a strange word.  In sign language the sign for now is the same sign for Today.  The word pretty much means the present.  This moment.  The moment the word is said.


I'm leaving this topic.  Trying to arrive somewhere by talking about something else.
Now, when I think about what I've accomplished today I feel like I've done quite a bit.  But when I try to determine how I feel right now I predominately think bloated stomach.  I wish I could have more time to deal with this issue.
I'm afraid that a friend has brought to light how multitasking can cause one to be fat.  With so much diffusion of focus meals can be excessive.  And everyone knows if you eat more than you can use you get fat.  Multi tasking doesn't just diffuse focus, but diffuses energy; the amount of energy focused on one task is lessened because another task is piggy-backing off the other.  For instance, today I played Super Smash Brothers Brawl Minus while doing push-ups between rounds.  Smash Brothers Minus is an exciting game for me, it can elevate my heart rate, and the push-ups provide a workout; a good one today because I achieved 1000 push-ups in repetitions of 40 or 30.  The point: the calories burned playing the game, while few, overlapped with the calories burned doing push-ups.  Its the same thing if you try to dance to music while cleaning or watch television while cooking.  You're not burning as much as if you did both separately.
 So this goes back to now because it makes me think of what does now mean.  Now means the one thing going on at the moment.  If that one thing is two things, then its not quite the same now...
I wonder what we call it then.


And this is completely unrelated
But I have no clue what is going on in my mind at the moment.


I wonder what is happening right
 now




stay beautiful 

California Finest

I find it funny that on Earth day I was asked to make a pledge to do something for preserving resources and the first thing that crossed my mind was to write "I will take less showers."
Most of the people wrote anything for the pledge, got a free pin, and forgot about it forever.
I didn't even write what I was thinking, did not take my complimentary pin, and its been about 5 days since I showered.  I've skipped a lot of showers since Earth day and its because when it crosses my mind to shower I think about how much of a waste of water I am.
When I do shower now its significantly shorter than it was before.
 
 
I don't say I'll do something and not do it.
 
 
stay beautiful

Butter your life

I ate chocolate chips.  Bread.  About 10 cookies.  Dinner, Lunch, breakfast, strawberries... so much.

I feel sick from eating so much.  And worse... i feel like I'm going to get fat.  And worse I haven't finished the essay due tomorrow.  And its getting late.  It is late.  Its going to be a long night.

I just want to lay down and listen to Seahorse by Johnathan Coulton.  I'm in one of those moods.  I feel alone, useless, fat, unwanted, unwonted.  The usual.

I have sugar headaches when I eat this much unhealthy food.  I don't really call them headaches because its so much weaker than the physical pain I put myself through with exercise or the lightheadedness I get from not eating enough.  Its nothing.


I need to write 3 essays and I'll have all the time in the world to mess myself up and write all I want and do things I actually want to.  Right now some part of me said I needed the bread to do this.

stay beautiful

Anomoly

So instead of talking to myself with the word I... I will be using second person to describe what I feel.  I'm about to talk to myself like I'm someone else.

You could have been at school this morning instead of in your room.  Either way I doubt you would learn anything.  But you should go to school because its what you are supposed to do.
I've noticed you got a little sunburned.  Why are you letting this happen to you?  You could get sick...  Don't you feel a little light headed?  Most people would complain that their sunburn hurts, you seem to lay around and do nothing.  You eat more, sniffle more, and lay down waiting for your skin to peel.


Now I'm going to do what I usually do.

I feel like the same person today that I was years ago.  I can't remember being any smarter in 5th grade than I am now... maybe I'm deceiving myself because I know I can't remember anything from 5th grade.  But I feel static.  I don't change, my day does and I have to live with what it gives me.  I don't see anything changing.  Maybe that is why I feel so trapped...


Today is the best day to work through the pain...  But its so strange to see myself sitting here.  I feel like I've burnt out and that life was too short.
I'll find something else to do.

What is

Homestart?

Just another volunteer organization I want to help out.  I want to work every second of my day.  You know... if I didn't eat so much I'd feel good about myself and I wouldn't have to try to do this to feel useful.  But even with trying to help I feel useless because to tell the truth I haven't done anything yet.  I still need to give.
I don't know where I put my library volunteer nametag.
My work is having me do office work for them.  I call people and pretend I have official business and know their accounts when I don't know anything but their name and phone number.  Then I ask for their credit card information and write it down on paper.  I leave it on the counter when I close.



Propitious: favorable situation or person.  Like propitious weather.

pro·pi·tious

 /prəˈpɪʃəs/ Show Spelled[pruh-pish-uhs] Show IPA

–adjective

1.

presenting favorable conditions; favorable: propitious weather.

2.

indicative of favor; auspicious: propitious omens.

3.

favorably inclined; disposed to bestow favors or forgive: propitious gods.

 

Close enough?

 

 

 

I don't know...

I don't think I'll ever be good enough for me.  

Propitious used Scald.

I like my Propitious... its a Swan Pokemon.  So beautiful...  It makes me wish I knew someone that was swan-like in beauty...  I don't really like animals: I scare them too much.  I'd love animals if they didn't have to be afraid of me.  But all of you have something to be afraid of.

 

 

I was considering dying my hair this summer.  I was thinking neon pink or neon blue or rainbow.  But I wanted to let someone else decide for me.  Who knows... I might post pictures when I do it.

I also want to kill myself symbolically.  I want to walk into a street with active traffic.  Travel off the path.  Climb up buildings and lean over the edge.  I want to open my skin in front of people and introduce myself as Goldfish to someone.  I want to know what it feels like to be a ghost...

Ghosts don't eat.

:(

I'm no good at that.

 

I guess I'll stay where I am. 

Hoping to die someday...

 

 

stay beautiful 

You're right

I had trouble waking up this morning?  So what... I just started my day later by 30 minutes more than I wanted.  I did some things like pull out the Tuba and hold it out in front of me just long enough to make it hurt a little.  I have to do more.
I've done a few songs worth of ab workouts.  I'll feel pathetic if I count what I can do.  I'm strong.  Don't doubt.  But I consider myself less than I am.
I should have skipped dinner last night.  It would have been so easy.  My mind wasn't in the right place.

I at least played some mad volleyball for a few hours.  Not good enough.  NEVER good enough.
I need to quantify what I do.
I buy a starbucks every Friday morning because I play pokemon with my best friend.  Downgrade the size to Tall; Grande is way too big.

I have a 7 hour shift at work today with no lunch break.  Its illegal, but I told my boss I don't need a lunch.  I don't need a lunch break.  I'll eat 2 fuji apples.  I can live off apples and water.  I could live off air.
I want to eat a little. 
But I need to keep the prize on my mind.



"Anger never comes without a reason, but it seldom comes with a good one."
-Benjamin Franlkin


Stay beautiful

For those confused

I've been considering how useless I am.
 
All the help I do can be done by someone else.
Mostly these thoughts come up because I've been used to rejection.  I really don't know what about me isn't good enough, but its apparent I'm not what anyone wants.  No one wants me.
 
So I've been trying to fall back on my quotes.  A little sincerity can be dangerous, a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
And people don't get it.  They don't understand any of them...
Its so relevant when i say "a richer people could give more, but they would never give as much"
Because I think of how much I give.  How little money I have, but how I give to charity when it comes up to my face and asks for it.  How I volunteer time because I have no money to spare... I have uses for that money.  Why is money so important anyways?
I think of suicide.  How much money would I give away if I knew i was going to kill myself.  Would I still hang on to what I have if I knew I was going to lose it?  I have no idea.  I think of what would happen if someone actually DID steal my wallet when I leave it in my car, or if they went into my room and destroyed everything I own just because I forgot to lock the door.  I wonder why people warn me about these things when they never happen.
Maybe it is true...  A little sincerity can be dangerous but a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
Because all these warnings are killing me.
 
Making me think of how much I have to lose.
 
 
And when I think about it.
I don't care if I lose it all
because I'm not worth anything in the first place
 
 
stay beautiful

Trophy Cake

How blind can you be don't you see?

I don't know how I can LIKE myself.  Where did I ever get the idea that I was strong or that I had a six pack?  I DON'T have a six pack.  I'm in the process of working on one.  I shouldn't even want one.  I want to lose weight.  I don't care if I lose weight.  I want to fit into a size zero; or whatever size is the lowest possible for my bone structure.  I will not be less!  But dammit I already am less.
I'd like to tear my hair out, but its too short to tear.  I'd like to cut my skin open, but it requires something sharp, it requires making marks.  Something I can't bring myself to do.  I'd like if someone else did it for me.  What if it hurts...  oh well, its pain that I deserve right now.  Where did I ever get the idea that I was good enough?

I'm sorry.
Forgive me!

How can I ever forgive myself?  How can I ever rationalize being taken advantage of?  How will I ever tell the next person that cares for me- AGAINST ALL REASON because I'm a waste of effort.
Right now
Wasting effort.

When did I ever proclaim myself an artist?  I have nothing to show and yet I feel as though I belong to some artist guild.  How did I ever deceive myself into believing I was ever part of anything?

Why can't I just take an eraser and rub it all away?


NO.
I don't need your rationalizations.
I need willpower.
Are you rationalizations going to give me willpower?
The MEANS have BECOME the ENDS if you try to rationalize me.  You rationalize me to rationalize, not to cure me.  Look at the water before you try to walk across it.  Build a bridge first.  Do NOT try to walk on water.
I'm not a dog.  Not everything you say to me will fix me.


stay beautiful

Poet Pendulum

Oceans within.
I wonder if that describes my thought pattern.  Big, mostly empty expanse.  Water like sand, more endless than the desert.  Something cold and always moving.  Dangerous.  Hiding predators in the great darkness at the bottom.

What am I?


I have lied to a girl.  I'm trying to build a staircase to heaven on nothing but feelings.  Those thoughts you feel for a second and then they are gone.  I wonder if the ground I stand on will disappear.  And then I wonder where it is I will fall...
I wonder if an ocean of water will be there to catch me or if there really is nothing else after this.

You never really get over thoughts of suicide until you find yourself thinking of reasons to live.  But if you ever take one step down the same staircase that brought you to the suicidal low you will reach the bottom.  And there...  You just can't get better.
Life is like endless swimming.  Keep your head above water or else you drown.  And dead people just settle at the bottom eventually.



So what am I doing chasing after beautiful faces?  Why do I flirt with someone that says no?  Because I'm worried about myself.  What if I don't have some small reason to live?  What if belief is the only thing holding me up?
I never really got to the point where I believed in God.  So I use you instead.  My readers, the beautiful faces I wish to meet.
I hope to be distracted just long enough to die peacefully.

stay beautiful

Someone should tell him

So i know what a minor addiction is like.  I'll one day know what major addiction is.  One of these days I'm going to shoot up with something illegal just because I want to feel the worst withdrawal of my life when it leaves me.
But for now I want to talk about ideal love.

I used to think ideal love was when two people could guess the other person's moves like it was their own.  You could lay down and predict who would talk first, and what they would say, and what your answer should be.  Then, if you somehow spoke before the other person, they could play your role and you theirs.
I used to think ideal love was a profitable exchange of two bodies.  Two people as close to perfection as they can be, paired with each other because they try just as hard.  Luck and lucrative relations keep them together.  Inevitably these two people are successful.

And then I started acting out an ideal love.  A love where I was a gentleman, where I showed this girl all the pieces of her childhood she missed out on.  By always saying she was beautiful, and not only saying it, but finding a new way to say it every time.  I no longer hesitate to see this girl; she calls and I'm there.  I do so much to make her laugh.  I hug.  I give her freedom.  I have no idea what else I do.
I don't kiss.  I don't molest her.  I touch her a lot, in a lot of places.  I'm surprised she lets me. 
She bit me.

I'm just so tired now.
I feel nauseous because I didn't get to control what I ate.


Not tired.  I could do this forever.  I'd run out of money before I ran out of anything else.
Thats why ideal love is none of those.  But sort of all of those.



stay beautiful

Understood

Shit.
I woke up and realized I can't look sad.  I have to wear a painted grin for my own protection.

If people ask me what is wrong I could tell them, even though I would rather not.  I don't understand it all. 

I need to protect myself from people trying to help.  I don't want help.
And I know none of the people that want to help can help in the first place.


I've tried to save people that don't want to be saved.  It doesn't work.




stay beautiful

Truthspeaker

Dehydrated.  Late night.  Morning tomorrow.  Eventually.  Going to do something.  Need to try.  I want to die.  Still.
Hour?  Don't think so.
I'm here.  Typing.  Why?
Because nothing makes sense.  Not even this feeling makes sense.  I don't even know what pleasure is.  What is good?  What is bad?
The only feeling I seem to be able to detect a difference in is LOVE.  I know what love is.

So now what?
Die
Search for Love?
I know
impossible.
Need to do other things like make money.  Save lives.  Important human business.
What if I became a cat?

Well then I wouldn't be dehydrated.
Music in my room.
A letter I have to RSVP for.
Me.

I suddenly don't want to be here.
Suddenly... meaning a while ago
I hope
this feeling stays forever.
Want to
Die

I think of what it would be like to cut open my eyelids.  Would the blood sting my eyes like juice?  Feel like salty water against the sensitive tissue?  I might dream of things like this.  Hoping my life will end.

No... its not some silly feeling
Its something I've been wanting for a while
I want a better reason to die.  That is why I haven't died yet.
Because if I had a better reason
I'd be dead.


stay beautiful

Yes, I'm crazy

He thinks with his mouth out loud.  He will say what he is thinking before he types it.  The substance of his brain is public and you know what?  He doesn't care.

There is someone out there like this.

She plays with rubber bands, doesn't know anything about being human.  She says so much but none of it is conversation.  Food is the purpose of life.  Comfort its embellishment.  Sleep is necessary.

There is a cat like this.



Sometimes I wonder what the big difference is.
What does it mean to be human?
I don't know what it means to be a cat

unforgiven

I searched the house looking for bleach.  Disappointing.  I didn't find any.  I wanted a cup of bleach to wash down this entry.  I wanted this to be a suicide note.

I was going to say that I had the means, but I had the control.  I even wanted to pour bleach on my skin to leave a mark.  Show you I can destroy whatever piece of me I want to.  Because that is what I have done.  I've destroyed a piece of myself.

I'm contemplating going shopping somewhere.  Anywhere that is open 24 hours and buying my own personal supply of bleach.  Its the only thing I would trust to kill me.  I don't trust the HCl I use for my pranks or gasoline or even syrup of ipecac.  All I trust is bleach- even though I know in many cases it doesn't kill people.  I'd trust a gun more.  But not knifes.  I'm not used to stabbing myself so I'd miss an artery and only hit veins.  Too many veins to choose from.

If you didn't get it by now I want to die tonight.
This feeling may carry over for a few days.


In my suicide note I was sure to mention how privileged I was.  I drive a car, live under a roof without rent and with minimal responsibility.  I have freedom enough to do anything. 
I was probably going to put my best face forward like usual; say that I was doing well in school even though I'm still struggling.  I have less classes to struggle through.  I'd say something about losing myself in ways no one else understands.  I doubt you know the difference between a body that can run 20 miles and a body that can only run 10 as intimately as I do.  So I might be right.
But I would have pleaded.  Pleaded that there be no pity; for I was fine.  So fine I was going to die happy.  I always hated my face, and it would give me pleasure to eliminate that ugly piece of literature.
I am drifting.

So I digress; my virginity is gone.  Not the way I envisioned it.  No.   I don't care if I come to terms with it.  I didn't ejaculate, but I didn't care to.  When it was happening I stopped and said I didn't want this.  It still counts, even if it is immeasurable on a male.  Want to break in my skull.

No I'm not sexually awkward.  I'm fine.
I'm suicidal right now, but its fine.


Those moments in your life where you don't want to be alive.
Right now.




stay beautiful

The same sentence with different meanings

It is amazing what you don't know

You didn't know I was holding the shell of a bomb while talking to you.

You don't know how beautiful I find you.  I can't even think of sex because I'm so awestruck.  I haven't said a word to you and I've known you for how many years?  8?
You saved me from...  something that wouldn't have been so bad.  But something I didn't want.  You saved me.

You don't know how nice you are.

You don't know how beautiful you are.

You don't know how much you care.


You don't know you're a hypocrite.

You don't know that you're never leaving that place.

You don't know that I didn't even want to see you.

You don't know how I can't hate you for the same reasons.

You don't know how often I wish I could hold you

You don't know I think you are ugly.

You don't know what someone else thinks they have hidden from you.
You don't know how much of a hypocrite you are.
You don't know why everyone leaves.  You don't know why they can't talk to you.  You don't know why they all disappear at the same time.  You don't know why you can't focus.  You don't know why no one else is good enough.  You don't even know what you feel.  You don't know what you think.  You don't know who you are.
But its you.
You're the one that is writing this.  You're the one this is intended for.  You're the one that has to own up to all of it.  Because its all true.


And what do you do?
What is the correct response when someone tells you something you don't like about yourself.  "hey, you have trouble waking up in the morning"
A: "oh shit!  I do?"
B: "I know- fuggadaboutit"
C: "Damn... let me try to do better"
D: "What?"
E: "How are you?"
F: "You're confusing"
G: Stop it.  There aren't any answers.  What do you think this is school?


What has school taught me to do?
I can't do homework.  I've never been able to.  So I've failed a lot where other people succeed.  But I work so hard.  I try to work every day.  My play time is work.  Video games is work.
I picked up my controller today saying "I'm going to get better as Diddy Kong"
Now that I look back at it I can see.  But I feel like I haven't achieved that layer of vision when we say we see something but mean we understand it.  I feel like I don't understand myself.  And I feel like i never will.

People tell me all the time how I am being confusing.  But they never tell me how I am confusing.


Do you see?
Do you know?



Violet...  I'll make a deal with you.  How about when you talk to me I'll give you my blog.  You can say anything.  You can say hi.  And I'll give you the title.  I'll share the link.  Please... just talk to me.  I'll text it if I see you in person.  I need your voice before I send it.  I need that... consent.
I read your blog.
You would like to read mine.
Talk to me.
You don't know how hard it is for me to be waiting for anyone to talk.  I never hear back from you.



stay beautiful

A few days by

Sometimes you just don't know how to say it

She kills me inside, and its the death I want.  I want to die.  Like I want to be ready for death.  Dead on the inside so that if death suddenly swept me off my feet (or swept my feet off of me), then I could just accept it.  I could embrace it; love death because it will unite me with the rest of my dead self.


Yeah... I don't know how to say it.



So.....................Day
6am: Woke up for Pokemon, ended up defrosting windows for 10 minutes
6:30am: Pokemon.  Best friend times :)
8am: come home, second breakfast, leave for volunteer
8:10am: sign in.  And...  play beach ball with old people.
Then we did crafts until 11am
cleaned up.
11:30am: In-room visits.

In-room visits are what you would image as volunteer work for a nursing home.  You talk to someone.  Go to room 512 (false room number) and talk to patient C.  Patient C is Catholic (had no catholic visits) is alert but has moments of confusion.  They might mention something about career on the page or something else about the patient.  Point is, your job is to give them company.  Its the scariest job I've ever done in my life.

I'm not going to mention everything about these visits.  There were a lot of... depressing...  And these people probably don't want anonymous sympathy.  No... I wouldn't care for it.
I'd want more volunteers like the fool I'm PRETENDING to be.
Somebody... should kill me so I can be this fool that donates his life to everyone else he can.
I want my heart to be broken.



I noticed she was different the moment I saw her.  I'll name her Kork- explained later-.  She looked different from the others, she was so real to me, and her first words to me were "never love a woman because all she will do is break your heart."  Kork is a lesbian over 80 years old. 
She needs to be named Kork because her mouth is foul; she would cuss every sentence if she didn't care for respect.  But she knows that the first time talking to someone you should be polite.  Well, Kork, I look up to you.  You're disease has taken half of your body, and the stupidity of others has caused you extra injuries, but you continue to fight for yourself.  You don't antagonize others even if you don't care whether you flip them a bird for walking by.  You're the kindest person I've met here, kinder than all the nurses.  And you are so real.  Even when you go on a memory trip you mean to do it to tell me the story of your life.  Kork... parts of you will live in this blog even if they are inappropriately named.
She said to me "Before my father died he had me promise: Don't tell your mother."  I thought she was crazy for bringing it up, she hadn't even told me yet.  "So I never told her.  I kept my mouth shut.  I said 'mom, this is my roommate.'  And when her parents came we were together again."  "He said 'I know you're gay, but your mother doesn't know' and you don't know how hard it was but even after the day she died I never told her.  She never knew."  So there it was.  She told me what my first glance said.  This was a gay woman years and years older than anyone else I had known before.  This was someone that lived invisible in the 1950's and fought so hard in the 1960's to be recognized.  She still fights today. 
I told her that I'm going to visit her on the Day of Silence and I'm not going to say a word to her, but I'm going to have a nice long talk with her. 





Going to buy a white board and a dry erase marker.




Today I heard at least 3 people beg me to let them out.  They all said they hate this place.  But I don't know if they realize how scary the rest of the world is.  I mean... some of them do.  July... one of the most capable of all the people there is afraid of the outside world.  She can stand and walk and read and speak coherently always.  But she knows if she were on her own life would be much harder than it is now.  Life is only painful now, but it will always have some degree of pain.
People... just want to be in control of how the pain comes to them.
Something about treating your own wounds causes them to hurt less.
But you aren't a doctor.  You don't know a lot.  Some cases you could accidentally make it worse.





So a few days go by and you wonder whatever became of us.
I still think of you every day.
But I'm sick.
Once I see her...

I'm nonsense.
sorry







stay beautiful

Bloody

Bloody gallon.  I've given a bloody gallon of blood now.

Why have I been gone?
School.

So I've been weaker than expected

yeah... I'm having trouble keeping up.  Not with the course, but with every assignment I have a minor anxiety attack sort of thing.  I look at it and freeze.  I like to think I'm in complete control of what I do, but when the contents of my stomach haven't been the beautiful air as it should be... I don't think I'm in control.  I've gotten moody because I haven't eaten, or because I haven't had sugar.  I'd rather fall asleep than start a war.
The bandage on my arm is the only thing reminding me to not try something tonight.  I'm likely to do something if given the chance.
because I want to

I'm winning some battles and losing some others.  I got the highest score on my political science exam for the class, but I got an 88.5% (a not so impressive score).  I have the volunteer position for the nursing home.  I'm still 2 points below 100% in one class, and very close to the same perfect score in another.  I've been breathing.
Sometimes that is a victory in itself.


My writing... impresses me.  I have an older voice.  A singing prose.  Something worth reading.  Maybe these fingers will type out a story one day.
I will post it on my DeviantArt if I ever make a story.


Some comical things...  Sort of.
I saw the most beautiful girl I've ever seen with blue hair today.  I've seen her quite a few times... always wishing to tell her something...  Today she also gave blood.
I poked my head through the curtains that separated the bloodgivers from the regular commerce and said "Hi, I'm Daniel"  She told me her name "Do you have time?  I'd like to hang out with you a little after you're done.  You're very beautiful"  She said she has class, but maybe.
My wish came true because she talked to me.  We said things like how we wanted to get away from school (which is almost a lie... because I want to always be in school.  But there comes a time where I must move on so I can return- people keep reminding me I go to school for a reason).  We compared the days we graduated.  She said a little about art and me about my near perfect scores.  I told her I have faults enough.  I remember wanting to tell her she was beautiful again... but the words were stuck this time.  Perhaps I had already used them up. 
She said she had to go to class.
I asked her "Would you mind if I asked you for your number..."  I could tell by the look on her face it was too forward.
She said it was too forward "... or is it too forward?"
Okay
"have a nice day"



I'm looking at myself without a mirror.  People call it self reflection.
I'm not sure what to call it.
I'd like to call it listening
But I don't know what I hear.


I don't know... I tried to get a second job.  I want so badly to get a plane ticket to see Naz.  I don't want to have to dream about it.  I want to take the steps to get there.  But I don't think the interview worked out.  I'm going to have to try sometime in August.  So far away...
I get a year older in August.
Need to finish school or something like that
Need to get out of the house of my parents.
Need to choose










Too much inside
Its like looking in a mirror with a mirror behind you.  Your eyes are somewhere in forevermirrors.  The space seems to stretch out forever, but really you're just looking at the same room over and over again.  More reflections...  I wonder... if...
I wonder if she likes me?


stay beautiful

HIPPA

I didn't read your post Naz, but you aren't fat.  You're not going to be for a long time.  And when you are its okay.  You're more beautiful than that.
Why the shoutout?

I'm trying to pay you back for all the smiles.



Something... about fabricated kindness irks me.  Kills my mood.  I hate telling someone that can't do something that they can do something.  I don't like telling people that can do something that they can't do it.  And when old people say "I'm blind" they might just be lying.
I volunteered today.
I feel sick.
If I'm not careful I will get sick.  I exposed myself to a lot of bacteria that I'm usually not around.  Enough oxygen in my system and I'll be able to fight it off.  Maybe I will go to the store and buy blueberries.  They are my panacea.



There is... something about nursing homes that lends terror to the mind.  While I was volunteering, a woman screamed for help.  For hours she asked for help and not a single nurse came to her.  I visited the room, introduced myself, asked her what she wanted... but I can't do what she wanted.  I'm not a certified nurse.  She was asking me to do things certified nurses ONLY are allowed to do.  No one else likes her, but she is my favorite.
Among other people there are more tangible personalities.  There is a social woman whom I will name Shark.  She is hilarious, gets into all kinds of trouble.  She asked me to shut the door of the screaming resident as to muffle the noise.  She knew no one was going to help and would have appreciated hearing less of the screaming, but this obviously isolates one person even further.  Shark doesn't care if she is mean; its why I call her shark here.  Shark also loves food!  Food makes her happy... I don't mean she binged, she just is easiest to make friends with over a few small favors like fetching ice water or making her first in line for popcorn.  Shark is easy to get along with.
Some people there... are out of their minds.  One day and I can already see that if I say hi to someone the best answer I will get is an "EHHHHHHHHHH" or ask them a question "EEEEHHHHH"  What day of the week is it? "FREEEEEEHHHHHHHH"  I wonder if this person is in pain.
Another resident can't talk.  Claps her hands...  I'm going to have to learn to communicate with her, because her face is very expressive and she is lots of fun.
I played bingo with a man that can't read or write; he was never taught to read or write and by now his eyesight is poor for such activity.  But he is bright, charming, smart, funny, and handsome in his old man sort of quality.  He has figured out single digit numbers, but hasn't gotten the hang of double digits.  If you said the number 115 he would choose any number with two 1's and a 5 in it.  For some reason he doesn't know order matters...  I let him cheat a little sometimes... he would mark the bingo card for 56 when they called 65.  Hehe...

Nurses do have a hard job.
Some of them can do it well.
Sometimes the hall smells like piss.
There is a reason the facility I was working at was rated 2 stars... And in its current situation (they cut staff recently) it may not measure up that high.  Especially if an inspector hears screaming...  Screaming...
I put slippers on the screaming lady's feet.

Also... readers.  If I ever blog about residents PLEASE comment if I have told you enough to identify them.  I can't do that.  Its against the law.  And I need to make edits.  PLEASE keep me in check.
I'll tell you as much as I can.


I feel so dead on the inside.  I feel sad.  I feel dehydrated.  I feel like I've been killing my soul because I've had to see people that have to ask in order to go to the bathroom, or people that can't eat popcorn because of their specific diet, or because I share the suffering of every person's pain reflex just by being near them.
And...  I wanna feel this dead forever.

stay beautiful

Something

Something just made me happy
I just read some blogs.

stay beautiful

Should I?

I sort of want to get away from PT.  Its gross.
Gross that I look at pictures of girls.  That I visit the site just to see beautiful people, because I'm so afraid of the people I see outside.  I don't know what a social club is... or where one is... or where parties are.  I don't even think i want to meet people in the midst of alcohol.  So I use PT.
Gross that I'm looking at something I will never be.  My parents told me today that I could cook myself dinner, I grabbed a pear.  That will be all for that meal.  But... I eat so normal.  I'll never lose weight.  It is so hard to lose weight when you are this low...  6'2" and 140 something pounds or more accurately 70kgs or so.  I'm never going to be 100 lbs.  I'd die.

And... I feel lonelier on the nights where I find myself browsing the forums.  I feel like an idiot when i post.
All I want... it to see someone beautiful.  Everyday, have someone pretty to look at for a long time.  I'm very selfish.

Also...
I want to model.  Sort of.  I know what my body looks like and I want to display it, maybe it will motivate me to lose weight.  Who knows...  I need a photographer.
Who is willing?

stay beautiful