Respite

It was like I woke up.  After 2 hours of doing dishes the fog lifted and I was okay with it.  I wasn't scared of being free for once.

It might have been all the food I consumed at the party the night before.  It could have been that I didn't feel lonely for some reason.  It could have been the dishes.


I might have tangible hope because I've made a friend.  Female.  Fun.  Thin.  Innocent.
I don't know what I'm going to do.  But I can tell you that if her innocence is lost at all... It will be her decision.  I facilitate... sometimes.  I really don't know what I am until I do something.



I've been reading The Picture of Dorian Gray again.
Existentialism is a Humanism by Sartre for Philosophy.  I like it.  Got halfway through. I'm hoping to get to the end.  Sartre is supposed to explain why we feel loneliness and sexual desire in terms of Existentialism in either this or his book about Nothing.  If I don't see it in this book I'll have to read the other one.  I need to know more.



I've never made coffee before.  I tried this morning.  Failed.
Tea be easy.


I might have a compromised immune system.  I went to sleep at 3am today and woke up at 8am.  I did hours of chores and spent time with people.  I should be tired, but I'm not.

We'll see if this is my respite.
Or if its just the top of the mountain before I tumble down.
Maybe I'm going uphill but don't notice anymore.  I've tried so hard leading up to this day.


And its not important anyways

stay beautiful