No one is here to take your call
I'm so sorry people...
I missed a call during my chemistry class today. It probably has something to do with the lab that I couldn't do yesterday. It might have something to do with the new appointment I have that is now 3 hours from where I live. I hope that is a joke.
Supposedly a 12 year old boy needs my bone marrow soon.
But this isn't my top priority is it?
NO.
There is no such thing as a priority.
We invent priorities.
School is not more important than fun. That paper is not more important than a night of sleep. We determine it is because we are afraid of what happens when we fail assignments and fail classes. Dropping school can be a wonderful thing. I'm not doing it because school is a state of comfort for me. Its an environment filled with learning; something I thrive with and suffer without. I like school. I don't need it. I mostly like school because I can socialize; or hope to socialize with people. People ask me scholarly questions. Things they won't say in layman life. People will understand the context of whatever I'm saying; be it proteins, lipids, carbohydrates in organic chemistry and nutrition and biology. I go to school to seek acceptance from people.
Without school I feel people don't want to know me.
They think I'm too smart.
Too thin.
You know what I am?
Too alone
and that is why I seek out you
I can't really get along with anyone. I can talk to anyone. I can say hi, but its meaningless words. I tend to point that out because I want to get to the point where we talk about something real. I tend to forget people care about small talk. Or I tend to not care about it myself and I'm confounded as to why others care about it at all.
I need someone I can rant to. Someone that can reply.
NO.
I don't need anyone.
I can suffer alone.
If I want the suffering to go away
I need someone that can help me
I want to do something to this world.
Regardless of whether or not I get help I want to help other people.
I don't hate you.
I just wish you cared about me like I care about you
stay beautiful
stay beautiful
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I know that feeling all too well of tedious small talk, small non consequential days that inspire us to fall into a blank state of being..nothing matters all that much, nothing changes and nothing makes us feel anything worth feeling and that is pain. It's a blandness that I yearn to escape.
ReplyDeleteBeauty and intelligence are at least things to strive for something that breaks the tedium of a vacuum of vacuous people, chit chat.
I like the natural high of hunger..I had forgotten what it's like and how amazing it can feel. There's something beautiful in resisting temptation and grasping towards a goal even if perfection is just always out of reach.
"I don't hate you. I only wish you cared about me the way I care about you."
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's impossible to truly know how another feels. Sometimes it's impossible to know how oneself even feels. Maybe this person doesn't show how much they care because they don't know how much YOU care. It's difficult to hide one's feelings, but it is also difficult to show one's feelings to someone if they don't understand what they mean to the other person. You could mean the world to this person, but they would never know if you cared or not. They may be trying to even out the "I don't really care that much" playing field. It's a defence mechanism. Caring hurts. If this person is significant to you in any way, the memories will never leave either of you, despite both of your best wishes. They probably don't hate you either. If anything, they hate that they care so much.
Stay beautiful.