unforgiven

I searched the house looking for bleach.  Disappointing.  I didn't find any.  I wanted a cup of bleach to wash down this entry.  I wanted this to be a suicide note.

I was going to say that I had the means, but I had the control.  I even wanted to pour bleach on my skin to leave a mark.  Show you I can destroy whatever piece of me I want to.  Because that is what I have done.  I've destroyed a piece of myself.

I'm contemplating going shopping somewhere.  Anywhere that is open 24 hours and buying my own personal supply of bleach.  Its the only thing I would trust to kill me.  I don't trust the HCl I use for my pranks or gasoline or even syrup of ipecac.  All I trust is bleach- even though I know in many cases it doesn't kill people.  I'd trust a gun more.  But not knifes.  I'm not used to stabbing myself so I'd miss an artery and only hit veins.  Too many veins to choose from.

If you didn't get it by now I want to die tonight.
This feeling may carry over for a few days.


In my suicide note I was sure to mention how privileged I was.  I drive a car, live under a roof without rent and with minimal responsibility.  I have freedom enough to do anything. 
I was probably going to put my best face forward like usual; say that I was doing well in school even though I'm still struggling.  I have less classes to struggle through.  I'd say something about losing myself in ways no one else understands.  I doubt you know the difference between a body that can run 20 miles and a body that can only run 10 as intimately as I do.  So I might be right.
But I would have pleaded.  Pleaded that there be no pity; for I was fine.  So fine I was going to die happy.  I always hated my face, and it would give me pleasure to eliminate that ugly piece of literature.
I am drifting.

So I digress; my virginity is gone.  Not the way I envisioned it.  No.   I don't care if I come to terms with it.  I didn't ejaculate, but I didn't care to.  When it was happening I stopped and said I didn't want this.  It still counts, even if it is immeasurable on a male.  Want to break in my skull.

No I'm not sexually awkward.  I'm fine.
I'm suicidal right now, but its fine.


Those moments in your life where you don't want to be alive.
Right now.




stay beautiful