Other options

I didn't fail the Iron test today.
Giving blood to myself... isn't there something disgusting and selfish about that? I donated blood today so I could give it to myself.

On an unrelated note I hope I die from the surgery.

I talked to people today.
I smiled at a lot of people today.
I hate myself...

I can't escape feeling like shit for being 'happy'. Its not happy. Not when I have so much to do. And I confessed my eating disorder to my Nutrition professor. She volunteered to give me until AFTER the class is over to turn in my diet analysis because I sent her an email telling her it is slightly triggering and I'm trying hard to pull through it.
I'm just a wimp.

I fear I'm going to fail Chemistry. I can demonstrate the purpose of the labs with my eyes blindfolded, well you don't need your eyes to find the purpose of the experiments... but I thought I'd say that. I at least know my chemistry. It is evident in the tests. Who knows... I might yet get pity points in my Chemistry class and pass. I doubt it. I'll likely get the F I deserve.
I'm not afraid to die.

But that's regular news. Nothing new. Its not like I have never failed a class before. I have failed many times. But I wasn't talking about classes there. I was talking about myself. I've failed myself thousands of times and I'm still alive.
It is almost irrelevant that I don't care if I go early.

Finals always puts me in this mood.
I just feel like the word infers some kind of end and I never think of ending learning. When finals are through I read books and research whatever random thing absorbed me at the tail end of my classes. I'm likely to research nuclear programs and metaphysics and Dawkins. Just to see...
But I have surgery to worry about for a few days of break.
I should really try to get back into video games... I think of suicide less when I think more of what character I'm going to choose and what approach I'm going to take.
But its nice to be in the world of the living.


Lots more options here.


stay beautiful