Divided tracks

Tracking
–verb (used with object)

21.

to follow or pursue the track, traces, or footprints of.

22.

to follow (a track, course, etc.).

23.

to make one's way through; traverse.

 

 

We do an exercise in Drum corps called tracking, and basically it is playing a chunk of the show while marching straight ahead.  Compared to my personal drill movement and step size and all... tracking covers more distance and can be repeated more than any show chunk run from the performing positions.  Yet the one time we tracked it didn't hurt enough...  I just wasn't exhausted.  It takes too much to wear me down now that I have conditioned my heart to handle the cardio and my legs to move my weight and the arms to carry the tuba.  If I touch my arms or pectorals it feels like I have nothing but muscle... not an ounce of fat... or so it feels.  Yet my stomach still protrudes farther than my hips and my legs jiggle with every step.  I still have work to do, but I don't think I can solve the imperfections with exercise.  I think I need to starve the last bits of weight out.

Which brings me to a dilemma.  Do I give up what I have and go through the haze just to feel weak again but have the appearance I want for a short duration?  Is it worth the possibility that someone will figure out how serious the damage on the inside is and maybe I could lose everything because I will get locked up or sent away to be cured?  Is it even worth the sacrifices?  Worth not being able to think straight or walk correctly or listen to directions and perform like I should?  I don't want to be the weakest person out there or the dumbest person just because I have trouble accepting the way I am.

I don't know.

Some members got sick.  I think I was introduced to the same bug they were, as I had terrible gas (worse than usual, I confess I'm guilty of constant farts during practice) and was on the verge of throwing up for no reason.  But I decided I wasn't going to get sick because they quarantine the sick people and I don't want to be pulled out of participating.  So I ate.

When i feel I'm about to get sick I eat... I eat foods I like and things that will help me fight disease and then I wash my hands a lot.  I've washed my hands well over 10 times today.  The soap at home, as I just got home tonight, is a blue soap that says "dancing waters" on it.  I find it poetic.  Something pretty to dream about.

I lost my phone.  For the first time ever.

I played a solo tonight in front of an audience.

I performed.

I rehearsed.

I didn't have time for sunscreen.

I've been working harder than before, living off less (except for when I felt I was getting sick) and giving more.

More emotion...

More of myself.

I've been smiling a lot.

But I'm not even close to content.  I'm pleasant.  I'm distracted.  I feel healthy enough.  I have energy.  I even have something to do for now: providing me a temporary sense of purpose.  But I'm missing the one thing I really want: a companion.

And I've been trying to make friends...  but I feel like the people I want to meet are closing me off.  I know I can't be understood because...  because...  I don't think life is important.

So I question everything.

I don't know... why is everything the way it is?

...

/

I'm going to sleep.  I don't have much else that I want to say out loud.  I'm surprised that anyone wants to hear me.  I don't know who I am and I don't want to know who I am.  I don't care who I am.  I don't mind if I get hurt or live or die.  I've spent a lot of my time thinking...  and it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

One of the instructors said something interesting.

He told us a story about a Zen master who realized something in a rainstorm.

While traveling under the eaves of the trees I got wet and was astonished.  And by taking the clear road I was also soaked by the same shower.

Either way one will get wet.  By the careful path where we attempt to shelter ourselves the troubles and cold and whatever else we are trying to avoid will still reach you.  Or... you can take the straightest path you can regardless of the protections it gives and just hope you're strong enough to weather out the water.

I'm pretty sure that even though this is difficult and it hurts that I'm strong enough to make it the way I am going.

But maybe I want to alter my path.

I mean... what does it change?

stay beautiful