Again

I've come back because you wanted me to but I'm living the same life.  In a day I will be far away from a computer, and although I'll return to this room I've lived in my whole life for a while... I'll be sent away again.  Drum corps.  The usual story.
I got injured once and it got me thinking about defining what pain is.  Its something like your body telling you that you can't do something.  Pain is a sensational refusal of the terms you are in.  My body tells me I'm not supposed to put knives under my skin or stop eating or introduce bruises wherever I please.  And it made me want to break the barrier and outright refuse the pain my body gives me.  I want to be free.

One day I might test the limits too far and die.  Dying will be painful... but dying isn't part of pain.  Do you understand?  When you feel pain it isn't a piece of you dying... its the scream of mercy you get before a death.  Death is just destruction...  If you aren't separated or broken or rearranged in any way then you aren't dead.
I don't follow my own logic here...  I'll stop trying to explain.


What else happened?
The world got hot and then the world got cold.  I can live in heat even though I threw up a few times when it was over 100 degrees.  I've also been tracking my distance in rehearsal.  Usual rehearsal days are 10 miles and the usual show days are 5 miles.  Most of this distance is done while carrying the tuba...  but I can't say I find the extra 20 pounds of metal to be so difficult anymore because I've gained a little weight.  I'm still under 150lbs, but now I have more strength.  I was told by someone my body fat percentage is probably around 4%.  Its a lie.  I know it has to be somewhere around 12%.  People don't live at 4% body weight... well... I used to be there...  I'm sure of it.
I wish it were that easy to lose weight.  But its so hard...


I obsess over food.  I even confessed to someone that I was hoarding food, that i dream about it, that I think about it all the time, that I'm hungry even while I am eating...  I can't escape it.  I think I'm hopeless.


So what else am I doing?
Today I slept for 8 hours... the longest I have slept in a few weeks.  And the less I sleep the more I tend to eat.  So for the past few days I've been out of control, but for today I've proportioned the food well enough.
I got new shoes...  I need to protect my feet and joints.  I hope to run more or something extra because what I'm doing isn't good enough.
Oh... and I spent time with my sister.  She did a lot of things to me that I have done to other people.  She plugged herself in when she felt weak, she attacked objects, she laughed when she was angry and she grabbed my arm and held it (well... I don't really do that last one).  I'm starting to wonder if the behaviors run in the family... and why my parents have never had maniac episodes.  Maybe my sister and I are some kind of mixture that created a new phenomenon.  Or maybe I caused this to her.
I control myself all the time.  Even my explosions are muffled or in places no one else can see me.






I said today that happiness is in your own hands.  I never knew I was such a liar.


Hi.
I'm alive.
But I don't
care for it all that much





stay beautiful