Chocolate chip

Have I been too busy to post?
Too tired maybe?
I don't know... maybe I've been using up my words talking to other people.


Right now I am in a pit.  So sad that I don't want to wake up tomorrow.  I want to sleep now.  But I don't think I reasonably can.  And tomorrow... tomorrow I might not sleep at all.
I'm ready to do something drastic tomorrow.
All for...  Something that no one will see.


I wish I was like you and I had the courage to put the wounds in my mind on paper or skin.  You... my listeners.  Perhaps some day I will be one of those people in the audience when it comes to this blog.

Sometimes I think of curses, the kind of magic you don't want to play with.  I think of what it would be like to lose a limb or have my voice taken from me or to be magically rendered deaf or blind or strange.  I find myself hoping a curse will fall on me and I'll have something taken away.
Right now I'm been thinking...  well I just forgot, but I'll sit here until I remember.  What if I was cursed with another personality?  What if I was cursed with DID?
But I'm not thinking what if.  I'm thinking "why can't this happen to me?"  Because I want to be sick.  I want to be so insane that you people can't help me.  I don't like the advice people give me; it won't save me from being lonely.  My problem is I am lonely.  There is no 'help' found in a pill for this.  Its sensation that can solve me.  The way to cure the soul is through the senses...
Perhaps I've been reading too much into The Picture of Dorian Gray.  I've been quoting it like I'm mad.  But I want to be mad...
At this point I'm hoping to develop a distinction between the part of me that says all these interesting things and the part of me that is conscious.  Maybe alcohol will solve all my problems.  But it is not drink I crave.

Its beauty.  I want something beautiful so bad that I feel the absence of it every second of my life.  I want something to die for!  Something for me to look at and work to have in my hands and to touch... it is only the beautiful things that are worth touching.
Again... a direct quote from Henry Watton without attribution (until now).  I'm becoming him.  A story book character, but the most brilliant character I believe in.


More than I want to believe in myself.

stay beautiful