Unattached and forgotten

I'm forgotten.  Wonderful.

When I was a child I used to get punished a lot.  I'd be put on time out a heck of a lot.  Sometimes when i was on time out I would be forgotten.  It got me into a paranoia... every time I'd be put on time out I'd be so scared they would forget me I'd keep telling myself to ask how much longer I was supposed to be disappeared for.  I can't trust people to remember me, no matter how great an impression I make.  Not after a childhood of that.

And what do i think when I forget people?  I find it harder to forget when someone is trying to talk to me.  But I still make mistakes.  Genuine mistakes I hope...  I can't tell the difference between a genuine mistake and another mistake.  They look the same from the outside.


Recovered.  Damn.
I was on track, and now I'm not.  I don't know what happened, but suddenly I wasn't hungry.  Well i ate more, just a little more.  I felt so hungry I couldn't take it so I ate some more.  And that took away the hunger... the constant dizzy hunger I was getting used to.  This translated over a few meals, a few days, and now I'm recovered... sort of.  Not in the mind, just not in the habit anymore.
I haven't eaten chocolate in a long time.  My boss bought me dark chocolates.  I can't eat them.  I might be at a month without chocolate... I could go so much longer!  What if I go a year without chocolate?  Think of all the empty calories I'm cutting out.
Seriously... no food is worth the body I want.  I'm willing to die for it.

I wonder if there is a cure.  I'm willing to live healthy enough to never fast a whole day... well I will one day, but I haven't yet.  And I eat enough to live.  I'm positive I'm getting the nutrients and calories I need for life.  Its the days where I get just enough of everything, but then take a run that I lose weight.  I must be doing this right...  Is there any reason to take away the habits?  The guilt that I use to keep on track?  The willpower it takes to say no so many times to myself...  so many times I could cry about it.  But I'd rather die than give up.
Can't anyone understand?


I have daydreams about cutting myself.  I'm such a wimp when it comes to pain but I want to experience it again.  I'm itching...  I might forget the hunger for a second.  I might learn something about fighting through pain... if I can beat pain then I can run on my foot when it bothers me.
I think that is where I lost it.  My foot started to hurt more often.  I stopped running to recover it.  I ate the same with much less exercise.  I'm hungry right now.  But I've eaten more than enough.


I think... I typed about food because I don't want to think about anything else.
Nope
rest of my life today will be a secret.



stay beautiful