How to be a board member

I returned from a 3 day trip today.  Something about a reward for the service hours I've done... and everyone else on this 3 day retreat did.  Some community service organization.
I wonder how this organization really does exist.  Where does the money come from?  What do the higher ups look like?  What did it take to give all of us the cheering, feasting, workshoping weekend we had.
And it snowed.
In barely Northern California... snow is a big deal.  I live about 4 hours away from the retreat.  Others present lived 12 hours away.  In the same state.  California is big...

Snow isn't as cold as I remember it being.  Maybe it was just that place, but the snow there fell like powdered sugar.  The snowflakes would catch in the hair of all the girls and for a full second before it melted you could see its exact shape; every unique crystallization.
There was so much beauty there.

And yet... it does nothing to heal me.  It just makes the two things always on my mind move closer to the front.
I need to work harder.
I need to get thinner.


I felt as if I didn't deserve to meet all the people I saw there.  Too many happy people.
Too many people on the way to success... I don't see how I get to stay in the same place as them.  I feel humiliated when I think about what I am and where I come from.

Low GPA
Community College
struggling at that...
Working a job that was practically handed to me.
And still so poor I'd die if I weren't still under the roof of my parents.

I haven't run in a while.
I liked how in the past I could at least say to myself that I know I can run.  At least I can run.
Now all I can say is that I used to be able to run; that isn't good enough.



So... I'm no longer good enough.
I need to progress.



stay beautiful