I hate November

On the first of this month my car broke down. I've been eating nonstop like a pig and I doubt I've gained or lost much. I'm struggling in school while also not advancing or declining. I've been flirting back with people I'm probably not interested in, but I'm lonely so whatever. I feel freezing cold already and I don't have many sweaters and half of my sweaters do not fit me. I work thanksgiving until like 7pm, which I'm okay with, but my family members don't like it and let their disappointment be known. I'm eating unrestricted carbohydrates and I hate how it makes me feel. I don't even know when to sign up for next semester... It might be too late already. and I haven't slept normally all month.

November sucks.

Pattern recognition

I'm burned out. My brain is nonfunctional. I haven't had a coherent thought for days. I've just been living off pattern recognition.

My weight have been an exact 124.6lbs for 3 days in a row I think... I can't remember anything.


Its just crazy how much time can be lost during a time where there is so much time to lose. I only work 3 days this week. I have only one day where I have to do a lot of school. I haven't been sleeping. The way I see that schedule I see tons of time to do anything but I haven't done anything with that time. I've eaten through so much of it... well maybe not eaten since I've been pretty moderate on my intake. I've been mildly upset at myself for consuming almonds lately, but I don't have much other food right now.

I'm just a huge mess right now with no brain. I hope this post reflects that.

I never know what i feel

This should be a quick post as I'm typing on my phone.

I don't know what day anymore but i hit my lowest of 123lbs again. Except last time I was 123lbs I was wearing heavy clothes and this time it was the morning while in my underwear on a scale. Seems thematic that I'd be practicing fasting and calorie tracking much more religiously on the attempt the morning weigh in.

I fast more completely now than I ever did back then. I've learned how I don't need to be afraid of 'low blood sugar' when I fast. My energy levels feel normal most of the time.

This morning I was 126.6lbs.
It really doesn't feel like a thin weight anymore.

Resetting cirdadia

Its quite awkward how improper timing can interrupt magnificent beginnings.


When I saw my grandmother in the morning she had tears in her eyes. I thought she had seen. I thought she could see... But she was just acting out in the way she usually does against her own loneliness. She was just lonely and sad... still clueless.
Everyone is clueless. As they should be.


I'm clueless.


ABC has taken a break. I just don't have the drive to do it alone. I felt like I was finally going to destroy myself, but I also had so much adrenaline that I felt invincible.

I really shouldn't have gone back to eating food. I had a good thing going.


I'm just not ready for this

My way of doing it

I made a new friend. Her name is ribcage or maybe... maybe she is just another butterfly.

I don't know yet I haven't met her. But she and I started this thing called the ABC diet.

I really hope no one catches me doing this.

I'm not sure it is safe, but she is helping me. I'll do me best to survive. I'm overshooting almost every day by 100 calories just to be safe. I mean the diet probably wasn't intended for someone at my height.


I've been consistently weighing at 125lbs. This is about that time where I should be taking pictures as often as possible because even if I'm not the goal weight yet I'm close enough to look like it.


I've been having dreams where terrible things happen. Like one of the dreams I woke up and I already knew what had happened, but I looked in the mirror anyways because I needed to know the extent of the damage. I had pulled out over half of my hair and I had a fuchsia spiral rash on my scalp. Everything itched so bad that I wanted to pull out the rest of my hair. I didn't even know if I could blame myself because I apparently did most of the destruction while unconscious. I knew I'd have to shave my head because of the possibility that someone would accuse me of being anorexic.


And in another dream I was caught in the act. Someone had somehow accessed my phone even though it had the fingerprint scanner and knew where to look to find what I've been doing. Thy would see the stats on the calorie tracker app, they would interpret them, and I would have to come up with answers. And this dream kept rewinding every time I gave a reason it would rewind again and I'd have to say a different reason.

its a coping mechanism

I'm so poor I can't afford food

I can't make myself happy

This is my identity

I haven't gone deep enough

School stresses me out too much

I have a shitty job

I can't accept myself

No one else accepts me

I require more love than the world can afford

I desire things I shouldn't 

I need to be punished


I just want to die and this is my way of doing it

Who wants pictures?

Last night I was driving home and I was thinking that I don't have an eating disorder. That I'm just a wannarexic in disguise. Maybe I just want to lose the weight to prove a point, like the health teacher that ate nothing but Twinkies and other treats but still lost weight to help prove CICO. Maybe I'm just in this elaborate game of controlling myself to prove a point.


Last night I said I was going to binge with no limits set. I've been hungry for days, my weight has been slowly dropping. I deserve to finally not feel hungry again so I'll eat until I get there. I logged it all and I logged the other food I ate yesterday. Still less than 1200 calories.


Being around happy people makes me feel out of place. But I also am still in this warped position where I see my problems in every other person. I see people that can project happiness and then go home and feel empty. So in my mind most of the happiness still appears fabricated.
I remember when fabricated happiness was good enough for me. I wonder what changed.



I keep getting in the position where I've got a hold on my sleep patterns and then I do something to dissolve it all. I need to be stricter on when I sleep and how I wake up. I'm hoping to use outside motivation to achieve this. Life is too difficult to manage it all on your own.
Or maybe I'm just in a place where I know I can't solve my problems by myself and so I'm just stuck in a dependent perspective.



I've had a few minor health concerns lately. I actually got a UTI. Thank god I have this hoard of supplements. D-Mannose solves those very quickly (within 3 hours!). I had a scratchy throat thing that I resolved about 90% of the sensation within a few days of using Manuka Honey. Medicinal mushrooms were doing nothing for it. There is one thing I haven't fixed yet... my stupid sublinqual peptide has been giving me a lingering taste... I'm going to have to stop taking it sublingually for a while. I'd expect this from something that tastes like fruity wasabi.


I made the most delicious homemade pesto sauces of my life. BUT I CAN'T EAT THEM BECAUSE ITS TOO MUCH. I can't even try. Lol. I just want to sell them all. I just don't want anyone to be suspicious about me giving away food.

Besides that I've been well.
I hate school.
Nothing changes.

Clearly unfocused

I feel like I'm currently in a spiritual realm where I'm hovering between different futures.


One future I actually succeed in school but don't make progress anywhere else.

Another I start to build a business out of homemade healthy foods and end up with either a basket of experience or a stockade of items and tons of networking work ahead of me.

And the most alluring of them all... a universe where my BMI is so low that sometimes forces me into treatment.



Anyways... an adjusted BMI calculator puts me at a 16 BMI today. 185cm and 57.6kg.  I'll be getting lower.


I've been using a calorie tracker faily religiously. I've only missed 2 or 3 days since I started the tracker. MyPlate is a good app. I'm also proud that I've gotten over 100% of the fiber it recommends almost every day.



I almost haven't been working. It scares me a little because financially i worry. But I just need to stop spending money on food and I'll accomplish two things... getting thinner and not spending all my money.


I need to run today or tomorrow. But I have a lot of school work to do today. So it might not happen today. (probably will not happen even though I feel like i NEED it). I'm craving running like its a frickin food group right now.



It feels too difficult to focus today. Yesterday was like that as well. I think I was like that Monday. My thoughts are like bees and I can't hear their happy song humming because all I think about is buzzing.




I don't know what will calm everything down, but I remember after waking up and weighing myself and doing the BMI calculation it felt like I started the day accomplishing something.
Can you tell I watched the 'make your bed' video where the advice given to graduating peeps was make your bed?

The Day of the Sparrow

Holy fuck i messed up.


So my sister was doing me a favor and helping me organize my room. I had a minor freak out because my scale was in the center of my bed, so i hid it before she came over. And she finds the instructions for the scale instead -_-

I'm incredibly stupid. Lets get this straight.
This is the closest I feel like I've been to getting caught. I'm the deepest I've been (yeah I've been a lower weight, but never as devoted or confident... before it was automatic... now my mind is clear and my body isn't even in the pain it was in before). I've had these thoughts and habits for years without my family knowing for sure. And I might have just given away a huge clue tonight. A clue that makes you not even question if I'm TRYING to lose weight.

Because before I used to be able to make excuses, but now it blatantly looks like I'm guilty and of course I am.


I went the whole day without food until I went to my parent's house. And funny enough they made a meat entree so i conveniently couldn't eat any of it. I ate broccoli without complaints and talked about my healthy eating habits. LOL. HEALTHY.
Anyways I put up a good facade. I've been doing so for years. I feel like my identity was dormant for so long as I lived healthfully under my parent's roof. I'm not there anymore. I get to fast. I shall wither into bones. My damn thighs will get skinnier than my knees.


So I've messed up.
But I don't think I'll be going to treatment yet. I think the earliest that could happen is... February. And I don't see it happening then. I'd imagine I'll be sent in August of 2018. But this is just baseless predictions.




I keep forgetting to mention this very important detail of today. I ran during a fasting period. I ran without food in my system. Its actually the first time I've done that without feeling like I was going to faint. I feel like I've begun to master fasting.

Damn I need to cut this short and sleep.

I feel so busy all of a sudden.


I might post my calorie tracking.
I also have a rant due about calories in and calories out. If I do that rant I'll probably post body checks to reinforce my ideas.





Why even read this blog?

Who do you trust

My height is 6'1'
I'm sure this scale is wrong and is putting my weight too low.

But do you trust me or do you trust this machine?

What color is silver?

I had a successful fast on a day where my friend I was fasting with did not.
But its not her fault that she couldn't do it.


I want to talk about my success here. It was a hard day to fast just because of the sheer amount of activity that day required me to do. I felt like the next day I had a bit of lightheadedness. But even though I was already eating again on Thursday something that could explain my mental state is that I was eating Keto. I just didn't want to waste some food so I broke keto this morning.

Its incredibly surprising to me that people live without knowing what ketosis is. The dictionary that spellchecks for blogger doesn't recognize it as a word either so its understandable.

Keto is so wonderful. Its just hard to do while vegetarian.
I rarely mention it but my diet is pretty dang vegetarian.


I need to see how keto athletic feels. Like how does it feel to exercise while in ketosis?
Its crazy to me how much I haven't done to my body yet. Like I'm so caught up in everything I'm currently looking at that I don't even feel like I have time to consider what tattoo I'd want.

I've been snarky at work. People deserve it.
I wonder if anyone looks at my behavior and sees it in the perspective that they might deserve my snark. Most people probably don't feel like they ever deserve anyone being even 1% rude to them.
But I'll let you know... people that treat me well reap the rewards. I show appreciation in any way I can. And I even attempt to show appreciation in ways I'm not supposed to sometimes. As respectfully as I can at least...

Sometimes people ask me questions that I'm not qualified to answer.
Want to know a silly one
What color is colloidal silver?
Look it up yourself. You'll find if you dig deep enough some sources will say it should be clear and some say when the potency is high enough it should be brownish.
But when something gets sensationalized as a sellable product with competing companies its hard to know what the textbook answer is all of a sudden.


The amount of people in California that believe 'cancer cannot survive an alkaline environment' so they need to drink high pH water is ridiculous.

Thin blood

What do you do when you run out of willpower?

You give in.
The amount that you care tanks and self esteem plummets with it.



But eventually life goes back to normal. Regret settles in. And then everything has to be rebuilt.




I feel like sleep cycles help predict these patterns.

Cause of Death

From Tuesday 3pm till thursday morning I fasted.


I did a mini road trip.

People that are afraid of fainting when fasting just haven't taken good enough care of their body. When you get proper nutrients your body performs the same on a fast. In fact you get a mild stimulatory effect. So even though the traffic was boring and I didn't get quite as much sleep as I wanted Wednesday I was alert enough to drive 6 hours.


Then today... well if today wasn't planned it would have been considered a failure. I've eaten plenty today.

My average for the past few days should be pretty low. I should be calorie deficient. And as long as I'm consistent I lose weight. If I'm not then well... It doesn't matter. If I keep trying I will succeed.




To the bone is out very soon. By the time people read this post it should be out.

Something you'll notice about the movie that they got right was the use of a powerful mantra to starve.
Its because willpower is easier to achieve when you have something to use as a foundation. If you have a principle or idea that idea can be stronger than the survival instinct to eat if you drill it in deep enough.

Its why I repeat myself so damn much. I'm trying to strengthen my mantra to beat my survival.



Can someone put that as my
Cause of death

The most difficult question

I did something based off the emotion love that was an expression of hatred...

There was a stranger on the internet that was 'coaching' girls on anorexia. I hated him so much I wanted to trace his location so I could hunt him down and kill him. He would brag about how he sent ~30 girls in Inpatient and had 5 or so die.
I was willing to devote my life to his ending if I needed to. I don't like what he did.

But what I did today... for the reason that I cared... verged on coaching. I need to not do that, even if I trust the maturity of the person I'm talking to. Even if I adore them and they really want me to give them a little push. I can't let myself actually do it. I will not be that kind of predator.




A friend of mine is angry at his father over a video his father shared with him. This video was actually shared by the dad years ago and with the same basic message of "hey look its you" because the video is talking about how much of a loser the subject is.
Emotions cause people to react before they interact.
What does that even mean...

This fast was started at 3pm today and will last until Thursday morning unless a medical emergency occurs. And um... I'm going to attempt something only an imbecile would do on Friday. But I can't tell you yet. I'll let you know if I succeed, but hopefully I fail Friday's endeavor for my health.


When you act before your mind has sorted out the proper relationship of events you can get blindsighted by the only emotion you had time to have.
Hurt.
When time is given to feel a spectrum of emotion its easier to use reason.

My friend wants to abandon his current sanctuary under his father just to teach his father not to be emotionally abusive. And I suggested he show gratitude instead.

Why would you show gratitude to a parent that sees you as the stay at home loser in the basement?

I said because if you show gratitude now you'll never do this to your own children. If you can fight bullying by your own dad with kindness then you'll be a better dad because of it.
Its a tough call to make.




Also has anyone ever wondered... who could you safely ask this question: What would you do if your friend- who you thought was so strong- turned out to be suicidal all along?



It might be the most difficult question to find a person to ask...
That won't
Well...
Think its about me.

What counts

There are advantages to fasting. I don't know them all, but personally it feels good to not have to log anything mentally and I feel secure that I'm making progress. I'll feel lighter all day. I personally have plenty of energy most of the time and my sleep feels better. The break my digestive system receives is both an upside and a downside but that doesn't matter. I don't have to spend money on food. Ketosis is basically guaranteed. Blood sugar evens out (usually).


But usually I get to a point where I'm stupid and weak. I can't think as clearly and my muscles advertise their limits to me.
Still... you don't need to be smart to be successful in life. So I can usually do all that I need to when I'm fasting.


I broke my fast this morning with a coffee flavored plant protein that is going to expire this month and a fiber supplement. The fiber supplement says 20 calories but... like its all fiber? Doesn't that mean its not digested?
Or is it like potato starch, which is praised for its 'resistant starches', but is mostly (maybe this one isn't mostly) digestible carbohydrates. I don't know yet, but I'm hoping a damn college education in nutrition at least involves me in where to find out this sort of information.
I think its ridiculous that we have been alive as humans for so long and haven't figured out that much about the food around us. Granted the processed food wasn't there to study for the longest time, but the older stuff like apples and watermelon should be understood a lot more than they are.


Ranting about food... lol will I ever stop thinking about food?



All that matters is that I'm consistent

I said I would

I'm so weak.

The smell of food was crushing me today. I was dreaming of food. Planning what I'm going to eat next. But I guess that is healthy.
I'm not sure how healthy I want to be yet.

Since I feel okay now.

Warm tea helped me feel better.


Its been 24 hours. If I sleep for 8 hours, which is likely it will have been 32. I'm glad I have the willpower to make it to 32 hours at least. I'd be sorely disappointed in myself if I couldn't do that.


I want to love coffee so badly.
I mean I love the taste when I can taste it... Coffee just needs to brew so hot, and sometimes when you drink it the flavor is so like strong that you can't taste it? I don't know... It just so rarely tastes how it smells.



I feel like I need help doing this.
And I sort of do have help.



I'm just so weak that I feel like I need more.

The closest I can get

This is what I remember about being sick.
Hunger

And yet I can't eat. I'm too upset. I'm too angry. I'm out of control. And the only way to assert myself is to

break



Today was a holiday.
For many of those people with eating disorders this was a bad day.
Amen.

It was a bad day for me too.




I just can't shake my mood off. I'm so easily annoyed. I'm seeing the worst and weakest in everyone I meet. I'm getting jealous over people having friendships and people being in the position to walk away from people without feeling like its depriving them of something. I feel like if I let anyone go I'll miss them too much. I already miss everyone I've lost. But I'm alone for a reason: I'm a parasite.


Its too hard to make myself feel better so I need to help others feel better because its the closest thing I can get.

I'm the normal one

I have plenty of time to send updates... But I don't often do so because when the best thoughts come to me I'm not in a place where I can blog. If I kept notes I'd be able to talk about so much potentially.



Two things have been going through my head today.

I've been thinking about how fasting isn't going to give me the body I want right now. How useless and unattached to the disease I am.
And how if I do make myself fit first... I'll just go back to fasting later because I feel like its so important to my identity.


I'll try to be healthy. Today I did tons of healthy stuff. I ate probably 6 times today. I think I had 60g of protein alone, I was in ketosis for the first half of the day, but then went minor carbs for the rest of the day. I had tons of nutrients. Covered my B vitamins with biotin, took a zinc supplement, had a greens supplement, drank kombucha and a probiotic... I ingested a ton and I did it in celebration of a successful fast all of yesterday.

Still... why am I celebrating with food?
Does that make me a wannarexic?


I just don't want to lose my hair yet. I don't want to feel sore from helping someone move while I was fasting yesterday. I want to not have headaches or muscles that feel like they are going to cramp on me because of electrolytes being off. I want my digestive system to feel alive instead of like a dead snake in my torso. I want to poop... to have material to shit.
I want to be healthy?


But I never want to break into my fear food.
I've been craving pizza for the last week, but I dont want to have it because I feel so close to progress. I just want to succeed a little before I satisfy that craving.
I want to devote time to exercise and I want to teach my body how to do endurance exercise without carbs and eventually without food at all.
I want to try a supplement fast, where I use supplements and no food for as long as I can.
I want to do tea fasts where I can drink unlimited tea and kombucha and electrolytes but not ingest other liquids or solid food.
I want to try a fiber fast where I live off fiber supplements.
I want to fast for Ramadan at the proper time and with minimal participation in Muslim/Islam ceremony.


I do not see a problem with any of these wishes. I think I'm totally normal.

And I'm only going to get better than normal.

What keeps me going sometimes.

I've carefully constructed my psychology to make fasts about pleasure and not about punishment.

I'm never fasting because OMG I ATE TOO MUCH HALP ME.


I'm fasting because I am in control and I can trust myself to keep my word when I tell myself I won't eat.


This relationship with fasting makes me feel powerful.


This is why I know I can do it.




I'm fasting 24 hours for the second time this week.

Updates

I missed a lot of updates. Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday had a 36 hour fast somewhere in there.

Then wednesday I visited my parents and ate everything they gave me to make it look like I'm giving an honest effort to gaining weight.
Holy I ate a lot.

My sister has been treating me with suspicion. I don't know if she knows about this blog. Probably not. I'm probably just being paranoid.

I went to the dentist and he said something strange to me. He told me my teeth show signs of acid reflux.
I don't get it.
I don't purge and I hardly ever suffer from indigestion. I eat fairly balanced or minimal usually and never display discomfort.

Honestly its probably kombucha lol.
I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE kombucha.


I told everyone in my life I would be doing something important today. I haven't done it and I wont do it. Its too late now. But I have plenty of time. Sometimes that reason is the reason it doesn't get done though.

Like this room. I basically live in a swamp of stuff I've been hoarding. Because I don't need to clean I I don't clean it. Ugh... I'm disgusting.

Shadows

When is the proper time to cut someone out of your life?

Do they have to insult your pride? Or steal from you? Wrong you? Choose someone or something else over you?

I feel like I almost always go back if I can.
Its when I can't go back that I no longer do...


So do I even have the slightest experience losing someone I should have gotten rid of?


Well... In a way I have. But I still think about them. I still think about people I didn't mean to ever lose contact with. Some of you might still read this blog. I'm sorry. It happens. I probably need new relationships anyways.
Yet if I met you I feel like I'd be a new person this time. I know I don't feel the same.


I keep having this one thought... and it feels like the perfect thought to be having.
I'll never lose weight unless I don't eat now

June rant

Am I accountable?

I've never had the strength of sticking to a schedule all the way. Its my history. But I should be able to change.
What will I change into?


I've noticed more strangers touching me lately. Usually a hand on my shoulder to say thank you a bit more intimately. Yet instead of intimacy I feel malice. Why? Because why the heck are people touching me?

As much as I want human contact I want CONSENTUAL human contact. I want to be a consenting party. I don't want to be touched by random people.

Not when I'm worried that strangers might be concerned for my health when I'm probably healthier than they are. I mean deep down I believe my fasts are perfectly healthy and the food I eat is perfectly fine. It probably all is. I feel like the fat person in the anorexic chats. Yet at the same time I'm always looking for the person with the higher starting weight. I want to feel good about the fact that I'm still 133lbs and can't progress. I want to feel like I'm getting ahead.


Its going to take time. And its going to hurt.

Day by day

Yesterday was a bad day. Almost 2000 calories when I estimated it out.

Two days ago was another fast.

Today was okay.


I probably average 1000 calories a day and I'm just not very comfortable much higher than that.

No memory fast

I just finished re-feeding after a 24 hour fast.

The fast went well. I did absolutely nothing today, besides pace out a few episodes of Sword Art Online to finish the series. I have to say I liked it.

I also took a nap at 9pm. I was hoping I'd just sleep until 5 am or something, but alas I woke up at 10pm. So I might not sleep for a while.
Shoutout to f.lux for helping my computer not keep me awake quite as long as it could. F.lux is a blue light reducer program that helps keep high frequency light away so sleep is easier to achieve.


Today was hot. But maybe I have reptilian blood because the heat energized me. The temperature was over 100F and I wore all black. I'll admit all black was a mistake. Not only because of the way the sun treats me when I wear all black, but also because mono black attire tends to make strangers colder towards me. I had a few awkward conversations started that probably would have been easiest if I wore green or another bright color today.

I was glad on not actually being hungry. Whenever I fast and am hungry I feel like I'm dying.
Contrary to the theme of this blog I probably do not want to die.


I still hate pictures of my body. I look like nothing is wrong with me. And maybe I'm too careful and therefore nothing is wrong with me. But I want to be different. I don't want to be normal.
I'm also a pearly color. I'm not a huge fan of that either.



This week has been a disaster. I probably will not talk about it much because its nothing worth creating memories about. Just a boring week.

I've noticed that I don't remember things without landmarks. I need an interesting topic to pull me in. If nothing unusual or worth pursuing comes along everything that passed through my mind will pass. And thus I probably will not remember this fast.

The dangers of being full

There are advantages to adhering to principles that limit. One of my favorite popular idols is famous for coining "restrictions breed creativity." Not much of the world will understand the implications of that statement but once you live through it its understandable.

There is also a legitimacy to denying yourself happiness. Because sometimes something will make you so happy that it leaving will crush you. And thats why I returned. I mean just look at the damn trend. Look at what happens in movies or life when someone falls in love and then does risky business to keep the love instead of losing it. Would they have ever put everything on the line before they knew the happiness or potential thereof?


This is the danger of inspiration.
You can become desperate which can either destroy rationality or break something that was never broken in the first place. Of course there probably is the possibility of everything working out... But sometimes everything working out is just another failure in disguise.


You do not realize how dangerous satisfaction is.







Until you look back and see what it destroyed.

normal

Sharing information isn't always easy.

Do I tell you that there are 7 years between us or do I tell you that I fall in love if you meet a certain standard of beauty and you exceed that? When I choose the first I pull away from a relationship and if I choose the other I embrace it.

I honestly
do not want to embrace anything.
Not while pursuing destruction... Painless... destruction.


What is the least painful way to die? Have you ever asked that question? Have you ever shared all the answers you tried to think of with another person? When you share that information what did you not say that you had the opportunity to?
You know how limited time is when your actions destroy future opportunities.


Maybe I've killed my chances.





Interesting contrast: sometimes the topic of another person's body comes up in an eating disorder forum or from someone recovered or having an eating disorder. Often when its a female she will tell the other person how beautiful or thin they are. As an observer you can see that the person giving the compliment can often times be thinner and even likely prettier.
I have no such veil over my eyes. I see people how they are. There are flaws in every person. Sometimes the flaws dwell in the shadow of perfection and those people can capture the hearts of strangers or the mind of a dreamer.

I see myself and I look normal. I can't STAND looking normal.

This is why I change.

Just vague enough

Do I want to be sad?


I'm not sure. I think I do want to be sad. I think depression is normal... and deep. I somehow believe only sad people matter.
Maybe I just don't know anything else.

I'm hungry. I've been eating and I'm hungry all day.
Pickles are zero calories. They are a godsend. I love pickles.



Happiness really does feel like its just outside of my reach like Tantalus with the water and fruits. All I want to do is find contentment in the punishment... in the tantalization.

Everything is going to change
I'll never be ready.

Winning

I've been in a sour mood still. Its interesting because the more emotion i pour into this the worse my life is perceived to be by myself. If I just let it go everything is all right.

Some things are very important to some people.

I've been focused lately on what people desire. Been justifying actions of others and the bulk of society by saying something as simple as if people want it then it happens. Then i forget to apply this to myself. I forget to look inside and see what I want and why I'm not getting it.

I asked a girl for her number today. She declined and told me she has a boyfriend. Did I act timid when I walked away? Because I was actually happy to hear that. I just wanted somebody beautiful to look at and I was hoping she was sad and lonely like me. When I heard the tone of her voice... it sounded like she was so sorry to be happy in front of me. It made me happy to have an opportunity to let her live her life without ever letting me contact her again.

Happy?

I don't know how to find the most fitting words for most of my emotions.

I live with 4 guys. Currently 2 of them are having stomach issues and I've been issued some expired probiotic samples. Because they are probiotics I feel protected, but because they are expired I don't know if I should share. I actually had trouble just earlier today. But I'll either be cured quickly or be sick for a day or two and lose weight. Either way i win.

Maybe instead of saying I was happy I should have said I felt like I won to be able to walk away so easily.

Still I haven't won everything.

I hate how people wish me the best from afar.

And yet its totally out of their control or mine. In fact most of these well wishes just make my heart ache more. I wish people knew how I want to be treated like I'm fragile.

I treat others the same.

Oh i just remembered. I had magnesium and that tends to give me too loose of stools just because of how little material I eat in a day. That would explain why I don't feel sick.

Today I ate

Avacado

3 probiotic shots

Kombucha

Sandwich

Guac

Beet Chips

4 squares of stevia sweetened chocolate

Not much solid food.

Worked a bunch at work, yet still wasn't organized with my productivity. I don't think I'm going to improve dramatically in that for a while.

And of course didn't go to sleep until the morning.

I haven't been able to sleep until 4am-6am and then I've been waking up around noon. It only hinders my life a little. I really want to be able to sleep earlier and wake up to enjoy the morning, but I can't right now.

I dropped a pound. I've been attempting to go keto, but I'm not entirely tryhard on it.

Question now is... Should I fast Tuesday or friday or saturday next week? Maybe 2/3 days? I really enjoyed my fast on Thursday.

Enjoyed?

Maybe I just felt like I won something.

Awake too late

I woke up refreshed. Empty.

I'd like to add I felt no need to masturbate. That's always one of the pluses of fasting in my eyes. I don't have to waste time or emotion attempting to be loved or love myself. I'm already in the process of perfecting myself.

Just changing helps. When you feel terrible it really does help to change something. With change comes sacrifice of course, which is probably why the general public hates to change so much. Even something as simple as the somewhat recent change of California law where plastic bags are no longer used at grocery stores was met with a ton of initial resistance. Because people didn't want to sacrifice their time and effort to use recycle bags... Silly when you look at it now. Back then some people thought it was important.

What I think is important might seem suicidal to others. Maybe impossible for those that haven't seen much of the world. But I know its possible. I know the chances are slim. Its like buying a lottery ticket and not expecting to win, but expecting that if I lived forever or at the right year then I'll hit the jackpot.

Whats nice about this dream is that I'm in control of whether it happens to come true or not. Just me.
If I plan accordingly everything will be as it needs to.



My life is going to change.
I can feel it.

I don't appreciate being treated this way

I know how useless anger is at accomplishing things. But right now I have nothing to build. I want to feel justified being angry or upset or any of those other 'negative' feelings that other people don't want to see. And I want to be free to express those feelings to the shits that attempt to talk about my suffering.

I think its hilarious that when I saw my mother today and she basically gave me $150, told me I was treating her like shit (i was) and left.
Don't put yourself into these sort of relationships if you can help it.

I attempted to set up boundaries of what we could or could not talk about. She crossed those boundaries. I was cross with her. I'm a total dick when I want to be. Suck me.



Anyways besides that I wasted my life on video games today. Morning started out with an accidental fast, but I decided its okay to eat at some point during the day. $20 is the cheapest I've seen a kilogram of creatine before so I decided it would be a fun thing to try sometime. I might start working out again... I don't really see it though. Right now I have no focus in life. I'm mentally recovering from financial stress, but I've always kept such a strong budget that I never have to worry about completely running out of funds. I also have an account that is set aside. I do live my life as though that could collapse at any time because I just don't trust it. I can't just trust that I'm not getting scammed somewhere.




Some people are happy with me. Some I don't know what they feel.
I don't know what I feel most of the time. I think that is the point of this blog. I'm sorting it out. Also I really want to show my ugliest features somewhere. Also I often feel like I'm not supposed to feel something that I really do feel and that suppresses that. Going back to the beginning of today's post I want to fully express my anger, but all I did today was be a dick. I want to inflict so much more damage to something.
I don't know yet if I want to kill something- or do something else that is criminal. I just want to be allowed to express anger. I hate how I don't get to be genuine with my feelings.

Am I allowed to lose weight when I am the current weight that I am? I don't even know how much I weigh. If you are reading this and are curious I can weigh myself at work tomorrow. We have a scale that weighs incoming product and shipments. I can turn it on and step on and report back tomorrow night what the official number is.

Its something I'll consider for whoever it is that reads these posts.

I've never broken a promise

I might travel for the summer again. I might be rooted in this same mundane life that I'm currently in.

There are people that want me to go: they are the majority. There are those that want me to stay: they enjoy me.


I have a friend who's birthday is today. Its 2 hours in... what shall I say?
I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. I have been thinking about you. I've been thinking about how little love i have for you and how much love you have for me. I've been thinking about how if I got close enough you would attempt to snuff out this illness: which I love more than you. I've been thinking about how sick I'd like you to be. How lazy you are. How much I despise that.
I forgive you, but I don't need to. You have done nothing wrong except falsely accuse me of not caring and not being helpful. I've financially assisted you. I've given you my time and I've tried to help with your day to day health and happiness when I'm with you. Even when its hurt me... Except I have a pain threshold that prevents me from getting to close. I'd rather be alone than with you.

I really don't want to be alone.

but again I'd rather be alone than live with cognitive dissonance.

I did something fun today. I moved a couch.
Couches are often literally too fat to go through a door without considerable effort. Glad I'm not that fat.
The friend who I helped was exhausted by the end. I've always found a way to give less effort and get the job done. That is how I feel about everything. School. Weight loss. Work. I've always done the least work I can and I'm actually proud of it.


If I travel I promise I'll take pictures that I will post here. You'll get to know exactly where I'll be if I get accepted. You can probably report me if you wanted because I'll probably post my face on here because I'm okay with being exposed now. I want more readers. I also want to disclose that I'm not open currently to making money with this blog right now. I might attempt to do a research based blog on food at some point that I could see myself attempting to monetize, but I want an audience right now.


I'm honestly that desperate for attention.

Apple Cider Vinegar

I remember the first time I found meal replacement shakes.

I told a friend that was thin that I didn't have to eat food anymore. I just found a secret way to get 300 calories a day and all my nutrients for the day and not feel hungry. 3 shakes a day! thats it. If you want to make it delicious it can be 500 calories a day. Who cares because you still are deficient in calories so live it up and splurge on flavor!
My friend didn't respond well.

I should know I'm different. It just sucks to be reminded in that way.

For real tho. If you struggle with overeating substituting a protein shake for a meal is a godsend. At the point my life is currently at I'm so lazy I do it most of the time for fun/because i enjoy it/because its easy/because I've forgotten how to eat normally. And its one of the things I like about myself.


Another fun thing to discover was the power of vinegar to help with blood sugar headaches. Apple cider vinegar is revitalizing for me when my blood sugar feels like its dropped. I don't even know why.

I'm actually afraid of Conjugated Linoleic-Acid because it feels like I'm not hungry from having something stuck in my throat all day. Its a wonderful supplement that helps suppress hunger and raise basal metabolic rate. I don't take this one because I feel like it would work too well.

Low on energy? Spirulina can keep me awake at 5am. Its a photosynthesizing bacteria that has a compound called phycocyanin that does miracles. It has clinical data that shows it helps the liver do a lot of work and its useful for weight loss. Its crazy to me that the hype hasn't been brought to the public eye more. Not enough people ask for this stuff.

I'm sorry... I have a dead brain today... I can't think right now.
I'm just an advertisement.

Unlucky

Normally my spending is way down, but from disasters to splurging on expensive stuff I might have spent $2000 in the past month. Very little of that money was on food.

I think I'm losing weight.
There are a few warning signs such as clothes that used to be tight not being tight and getting cold no matter what. The chills at night are the worst part of dancing into a lower weight. It feels like your body temperature can't get warm. You'll have every blanket on... I mean its early spring right now and it feels like my chest never gets that warm feeling that it does when i catch a good ray of sun in the summer. Even the daytime sun doesn't warm me enough this early in the season.

The chill reminds me of how alone I feel. Mostly because I've noticed that the chill doesn't exist if I am satisfied with someone.
Maybe its as simple as getting my mind off of it.
But who is really in control?


I feel like I eat normally, but every once and a while someone tries to explain what they eat to me and it reminds me I'm not the same. I'm never going to be the same...
I just have too few moments of weakness. I ate some carbohydrate heavy lentil crisps. Nothing over 400 calories worth of course, but still considered a mistake by my brain even if I do consider myself recovered. Other people mini guilt trip themselves when they eat off course so why can't I? Besides that all my other 'slip ups' have been me eating a little of a chocolate bar or truffle. I bought truffles recently just for me. It took me a week to eat a small 6 oz box of truffles.
I really do love chocolate.


Lately I've been fantasizing about planning out a fast.
I don't know why these things cross my mind.

Happiness Withdrawal

I cried a little today.

Want to know why?

I cried because I was remembering something

I was happy

I cried because it was bothering me why I was so productive on a certain day 2 weeks ago. I couldn't figure out what I ate or what helped me sleep right. Why did I have so much motivation that one day?

Its spring and I wore a sweater today because the mood of today lowered my body temperature. I've lost a lot of mental energy and emotional stamina trying to forget... And if you know my blog you'll know I wouldn't break my principles and drink alcohol or do drugs to forget. I have to live through this: punishing memories that I have to serve like prison terms.


Its so silly because these memories freshly created- knowing what happiness feels like- are dead before the flowers of the season. The suffering of losing them will wilt before summer begins... Unless I get another dose.


I feel old now. The blogging community that I originally joined has left to live their life while I'm still here.
I'm still thinking these thoughts... I wonder if anyone else in that community still tries to lose weight.
Feels like the only thing I've accomplished is the happiness that isn't even in my control.



Its in her control

Reaching out for help

Its so easy to feel unwanted when you pursue others and the only response you seem to get is no.


But I understand.
I know what i want is so difficult to find that I'd chase the shadow of understanding it.



Restricting calories alone probably isn't sufficient to lose weight every time. The formula seems obvious, but when you actually abstain from food for a long time it just doesn't always translate into reduction in mass. Part of it probably has to do with how a damaged metabolism won't be able to transport and burn off solid mass as well as a healthier metabolism.
I always wondered why eating disorders were more rituals of punishment than they were delving into information that helps you understand how weight loss is achieved and how best to achieve it. There are more efficient ways to lose weight that don't necessitate constant starvation.

What are they?
I think about it all the time. Do I really know the answer that i insinuate as being obvious?
Eating indigestible fibers seems like a solid plan. Low calorie but high amount of soluble fiber sounds fairly comfortable when it comes to feeling like appetite is appeased. It also achieves caloric restriction and helps feed probiotics which are known influencers of metabolism. I'm assuming it works.

I've also heard of a week long diet regime in an article about diabetes where type 2 diabetes was reversed in most of the patients (some number around 80%) by doing a week long olive oil and vegetable broth diet once every month. Raising blood sugar feels like the best way to gain weight and so I feel like this could be an effective way to lose weight by combating that.

Keto? Maybe that works? It sure feels better than trying your hardest to move when you have no energy or not faint until the evening. Feels better than hearing your heartbeat all day because your senses are heightened and you probably should eat but all you do is drink more water hoping it helps you feel full enough to keep going.


And why do we even do this? Would this even be a problem if we felt loved in the first place?

I haven't seen you for a while

Its been so long since I last saw you

Yeah. It feels like I'm happier without seeing the people that love me.


Its crazy when you live in the world of a twisted mind. You don't feel love the same way others do and so you can't interpret their feelings properly. I personally discredit the love others feel.
I guess my issue is that in order to be loved I have to feel known first. I don't feel that way. All too often I get people that tell me they do not understand me. It gives me some perspective though when i encounter someone I do not understand. As a side note I find someone I do not understand very difficult to harbor any love towards.

Most of the time people are boring. They aren't worth knowing. Its like some of the books you have to read for school where the language is archaic and the storyline is so far removed from today's technology and setting that its hard to get into it. Actually the problem typically isn't the technology or lack of proper hygiene. Usually its cultural norms that have been discarded where the disconnect occurs.
The same cultural insignificances cause people to become boorish. Pop culture is shallow. Even practices that have stood with time lack content. Always just the title of the book.  But what else would you judge a character off of?

Some books though... just a struggle to get through.


I must be one of those books.




Have i mentioned lately what I've learned about intelligence?
I've noticed that the difference between the smart people and the dumb people; even when comparing something that is interest based like book smarts vs weed smarts that the largest delta occurs with how long a period of time the smarter person is willing to devote to answering a question or solving a problem.
Its not just time. Time is just the easiest to measure. Motivation is another important factor and much more difficult to track.
Its so obvious, but when you attempt to teach a child how to be smart while others are attempting to teach the same child how to intelligent the approach is so different with this in mind.

Often people will try to steer a child's interests towards something regarded as 'for smart people'. Such as science kits or playing with legos instead of linkin logs because legos would be for the smarter kids.
When you instead hold to the principle that motivation and time are the only factors that matter you don't care what is played with. Instead you attempt to bridge interests like toy cars with uninteresting items like plastic bottles. You show a child a toy car made from a plastic bottle; you ask them which of 5 different sized and colored plastic bottles they would enjoy a toy car of the best.... you attempt to awaken something.

I think there is a weakness to this line of approach. I think if you give away enough answers or you guide too much you destroy divergent thinking early.
If you teach a child that a paper clip is for keeping paper together over and over and over again you might miss out on the phase where a paperclip is a metallic line oragami or the key to neverland or a stirring rod for a mud concoction.
When the answer is found there isn't much more reason to search.

Which reminds me of something else that came across my mind while trying to understand how intelligence could be passed on to others. (forgive me always using children as an example; the young are simply the easiest to brainwash). The formula works best when there is pursuit beyond a sufficient solution/answer.


I'll admit I do not believe I have any idea of a program or way to set up a life to make someone smarter. I'll admit that I don't have a giving enough heart to desire such a thing to exist.

So why do I think about it. Am I just trying to prove myself intelligent by abiding to my own principles? Am I in a way motivated to try to prove myself superior that I'll make up the rules just so I can play by them?

I don't know.



And whatever it is in me that makes me feel unloved, unknown...
Feels like the exact same locus of my dissatisfaction with the half answers the universe gives me.