The Day of the Sparrow

Holy fuck i messed up.


So my sister was doing me a favor and helping me organize my room. I had a minor freak out because my scale was in the center of my bed, so i hid it before she came over. And she finds the instructions for the scale instead -_-

I'm incredibly stupid. Lets get this straight.
This is the closest I feel like I've been to getting caught. I'm the deepest I've been (yeah I've been a lower weight, but never as devoted or confident... before it was automatic... now my mind is clear and my body isn't even in the pain it was in before). I've had these thoughts and habits for years without my family knowing for sure. And I might have just given away a huge clue tonight. A clue that makes you not even question if I'm TRYING to lose weight.

Because before I used to be able to make excuses, but now it blatantly looks like I'm guilty and of course I am.


I went the whole day without food until I went to my parent's house. And funny enough they made a meat entree so i conveniently couldn't eat any of it. I ate broccoli without complaints and talked about my healthy eating habits. LOL. HEALTHY.
Anyways I put up a good facade. I've been doing so for years. I feel like my identity was dormant for so long as I lived healthfully under my parent's roof. I'm not there anymore. I get to fast. I shall wither into bones. My damn thighs will get skinnier than my knees.


So I've messed up.
But I don't think I'll be going to treatment yet. I think the earliest that could happen is... February. And I don't see it happening then. I'd imagine I'll be sent in August of 2018. But this is just baseless predictions.




I keep forgetting to mention this very important detail of today. I ran during a fasting period. I ran without food in my system. Its actually the first time I've done that without feeling like I was going to faint. I feel like I've begun to master fasting.

Damn I need to cut this short and sleep.

I feel so busy all of a sudden.


I might post my calorie tracking.
I also have a rant due about calories in and calories out. If I do that rant I'll probably post body checks to reinforce my ideas.





Why even read this blog?