I'm the normal one

I have plenty of time to send updates... But I don't often do so because when the best thoughts come to me I'm not in a place where I can blog. If I kept notes I'd be able to talk about so much potentially.



Two things have been going through my head today.

I've been thinking about how fasting isn't going to give me the body I want right now. How useless and unattached to the disease I am.
And how if I do make myself fit first... I'll just go back to fasting later because I feel like its so important to my identity.


I'll try to be healthy. Today I did tons of healthy stuff. I ate probably 6 times today. I think I had 60g of protein alone, I was in ketosis for the first half of the day, but then went minor carbs for the rest of the day. I had tons of nutrients. Covered my B vitamins with biotin, took a zinc supplement, had a greens supplement, drank kombucha and a probiotic... I ingested a ton and I did it in celebration of a successful fast all of yesterday.

Still... why am I celebrating with food?
Does that make me a wannarexic?


I just don't want to lose my hair yet. I don't want to feel sore from helping someone move while I was fasting yesterday. I want to not have headaches or muscles that feel like they are going to cramp on me because of electrolytes being off. I want my digestive system to feel alive instead of like a dead snake in my torso. I want to poop... to have material to shit.
I want to be healthy?


But I never want to break into my fear food.
I've been craving pizza for the last week, but I dont want to have it because I feel so close to progress. I just want to succeed a little before I satisfy that craving.
I want to devote time to exercise and I want to teach my body how to do endurance exercise without carbs and eventually without food at all.
I want to try a supplement fast, where I use supplements and no food for as long as I can.
I want to do tea fasts where I can drink unlimited tea and kombucha and electrolytes but not ingest other liquids or solid food.
I want to try a fiber fast where I live off fiber supplements.
I want to fast for Ramadan at the proper time and with minimal participation in Muslim/Islam ceremony.


I do not see a problem with any of these wishes. I think I'm totally normal.

And I'm only going to get better than normal.