61 day mark

I gave blood today.  It was a week after my 54 day mark (the day you can give again if I remember correctly)
And the nurse taking my pulse told me:
"Did you know your heart skips a beat?"
-Now... I've taken my pulse before.  If my heart has always skipped a beat I would have known.  This is something new. 
... "Do you have any difficulty with physical activity"
"no"

She was concerned.
I wasn't.


Its sad, yesterday I looked in the mirror and I could swear I've gained.  I'm a reasonable person.  I know what is lost weight and what is gained weight.  I know I have been fine when I was thinner.  I know it.
I've actually been different.
But I eat like everyone else.

I'm curious though...  Why was my pulse so high (usually I'm around 60 unless I'm fasting- and that is 72-80- and I got 74 when I wasn't fasting)?  Weird.
I know my body.  I know my mind.

I spent every spare second of today eating.  I didn't have many spare seconds, but I got in 3 complete meals.
Right now I want to sleep.
But I have a project to do.
Then sleep.


God
I'm lonely...



stay beautiful

What I see

Sadly enough...


I think that the audition failure was just a minor thing.  It meant a lot.  It made an emotional impact.  I can't try again until next year.  I really suck at music.  But I feel like I didn't miss out on much.
In fact, the thing that sticks in my head for the audition is that I met a girl there and we looked at each other a lot and talked.

No
I'm not interested.
I don't want to spend my future with her.
I don't want to be with anyone...

Sadly, I just want to spend time with a pretty face, and then leave her before I hurt.
I want to be the shallow cut that heals by tomorrow.

I want to be forgotten.
Then I can live every day like I was just born.
The first day of my life.
So that the next girl I see, will be the most beautiful one I have seen yet.
No more memories.

Looking forward.



stay beautiful

I failed the audition

I wiped away the tears I never cried
Woke up the next day to another blank dream



stay beautiful

Forward

Because there is no other direction.

I would like to note that dying is possible in doses.  You don't have to die all at once.  You can die piece by piece.

But where I am...
Let see,
Cereal happened this morning.
And I had a peanut butter jelly sandwich.

Time passes in food.

I've wondered.  The rumors about animals eating their weight in food.  I wonder if humans do that.  I wonder how much that cereal weighed.  And how much the sandwich.  And what does that explain for those days I don't eat.
Oh wait...  I do eat.
I eat plenty.

And yet... I've still had to bear those comments.
'you don't eat enough'
'have seconds'
'is that all you are having?'
'here, try this, its fattening, but its good for you'

I swear, the only time I see emotion in the mirror is if I'm smiling at some petty thing that I don't care about.  Or...  If an anguished face looks back at me.  Every time I think of food this happens.



Audition is tomorrow
I'll tell you how it goes... but not Saturday or Sunday.



Stay beautiful

because

Not really, but...

We didn't have anything to say.

The time that has
Been forgotten or wasted.
Not
all of it
but some.


We try to understand ourselves.
But we are just one person.

I am just one person.



And blessed are they, that cry every night.
That sleep because hate they what they see.
Blessed are they.
For they feel.

Those that do not feel
We


Stay beautiful

Short.

I will never be good enough for you.

Today I did things like see that Harry Potter movie.  I knew I would.
Because... other people wanted me to.
And its the same reason I suppress the voice.  Other people want me to be human.  They don't want to see me enjoy suffering.  I've been having the hardest time accepting my current academic situation.
And I like it.  I want to dig myself deeper.
The only thing that is on my nerves for sure... is how weak I am.

Sorry everyone.  Sorry I haven't been strong.


Stay beautiful

Don't want to be me

Pictures are popping into my thoughts.  Pictures of me that I have never taken...  And I've been thinking lately; should I take pictures?

I don't like to.  I'm not okay with how my body appears.  I don't want pictures of that.  So... No.  It won't make me feel better, I'll just feel worse.
I'm sad.
Now I'm not.
See how easy it is to be me?

Except... I miss having a feeling for longer than a few seconds.  For dreaming of something only one night.  I'll only watch a movie once, because I get nothing the second time.  I can't feel.

I will be recommended the new Harry Potter movie one of these days.  The truth is... That movie is such a product of our time that I don't want to see it.  I don't want to see something that has been perfected from consumerism.  Something that was made as good as it is because there was a crowd already attached to it, and it makes money.  Audiences just hand money out to what they think is good.
I want something that is good because its personality is that way.
Harry Potter started as a low level fiction book, wonderfully designed for everyone.  It grew into a Fiction Phenomenon, and the author got better.  The first movie was simply a following.  The characters were young, their acting amateur.  But we have called the the directors for more.  We are feeding ourselves... with our own money.

I wish I could say what I feel.
Something about this Harry Potter...
Being a product of NOW.  This month.  Polarizes me.  I do not want to see it.



I am a certain person.
With uncertain thoughts.
I have a future
but it is full of...
obstacles.

I'm getting lazy.
I did nothing today.  No workout.
It rained.
But...  This isn't who i want to be.
Tomorrow I have to be that person.
Damn.



Stay beautiful

Was it what you expected?

No.
Nothing is.
Love dies.
I stay strong.

I wish I wasn't invincible.  That I would be weak enough to stop fighting against everything that goes wrong.

Tonight, in the rain, I got a flat tire.  Within 10 minutes I was safe at home, the car left in some parking lot, listing to the front and the side, but I'm safe at home and the tire doesn't matter anymore.
Today, I heard your voice.  And while it is beautiful, it isn't Violet.
I noticed that Violet has an addiction to caffeine.  It was only a date.  It was only a hug at the end.
My love has died.
I am...
just my words now.
I can only fulfill my promises.
And try to make money...

Money...  For those of you stuck in life with 'no escape'... you haven't seen what money can do.
Money can rebuild a life.
You can be born again if you can afford it.

Tonight... it is still raining.
I'm considering selling my soul to the cold.
But I think I'm going to ignore that voice.

Now...  I only need to convince her she doesn't love me.
I feel pathetic.
Impassionate.
Perfunctionary...

Is that the correct use of the word?
Of course it isn't

I want you to see who I am.
I am your demonic angel


stay beautiful

Thank you Violet

She wrote about me here: http://www.myspace.com/frostlace/blog/540764777

This is what it says...

[Sand Castle]

He's an alien, I think.
A beautiful, creative, impressively bright being.
He doesn't think so, and he has psychological flaws like we mortals do.
Maybe that's why he took that class with me.
Did he want to understand what plagued him; us?
He reminds me of a character in a movie I saw once.
He says things that imply he's not like me or the rest of us.
I wonder if it's beautiful where he came from.
Sometimes when I say things I can see him thinking.
He makes me think even without saying a thing.
He looks as fragile as I feel, and I'm too scared to fracture him with my touch.
His eyes tell me stories.
I don't know when he's going to leave, but I'll probably be lost without him.
...

She has more to say of the world.  But I own this.
Thank you. 
I could use the perception of others.


Now.
My life is measured in food.  Time is whenever something is eaten.  The more I eat in a day, the more time I have in that day.  On some days I live only for seconds, those days are lightheaded and afraid of falling on their faces.
The little voice inside me tells me that she approves of my effort.  I'm trying aren't I?

Still, it is silent, the only message I get is the sensation of a headnod.  I'm going to be better in my life.  We are both patient for other times.


Love is...
I don't want to say love is real.  Love is real, real and mortal.  Love dies.
Candles live longer than my love.

But I will burn... for Monique.  Burning transcendence from flame to vapor.  And as vapors...  I will be a million high speed molecules.
Never
resting.

Every day I have to get stronger.
Yesterday i did 450 push-ups.
Today...



stay beautiful

I'm obsessed.
Yeah, I did other things, like walk my Zubat 6 miles yesterday.
I caught a green zubat today.
Yeah...


but Monique. 
Hi.
Goddess.  Goddess.  Goddess.
I'm going to worship this girl.  She isn't mine yet.  But I'm going to own her.  There is no other.

I will deserve her.
This stranger.
Who dreams of me.  Who I have wanted.
She wants me to want her.
I want this to be the last love of my life.

But... I'm so strong.
So invincible.
I might outlive this too.

be
 to
 wanted
 have
 I
 thing
 broken
 that
 be
 will
 I
 ...
 ends
 it
 when
 least
At .

stay beautiful

I'm scared

Someone asked this on my formspring:

The phone is ringing, its Ana calling, should I answer?

 

 I can't pretend that I don't hear it too.

I feel like its alive in my head.  And its just been waiting.

I don't want to...

 

 If you can... play the 15 minute game; the rules of the game go as follows.  You tell yourself that 15 minutes from now you will give in, but if 15 minutes later you remember and you are about to give in, you first have to ask yourself: can I do another 15 minutes?  If you can, you have to wait another 15 minutes before you give in.  And you play, and you play and you play.

I never won...

stay beautiful

I wrote this to http://howtobecomeanorexic.org/

I don't think you understand any of it.
 
First, you should know that I didn't enter a valid name, that 'forserious' is only an alias.
Also, your advertisements are nothing more than advertisements.  You don't care about the person I am or the broken image I hold on to.
You proselytize a 'healthy' lifestyle as the ultimate anorexia.
 
Anorexia is an eating disorder.  In my case, I am a nearly underweight person who tries to lose weight.
When you have a low body fat percentage it takes starving to lose the pounds you have.  Because unlike the people you seem to be advertising to, I don't have 'extra' pounds.  I'm still trying to get rid of it.
 
I conclude that this will reach some advertising firm, and they also don't care who I am, because I'll tell you right now; I don't have money to give to you.
If I did have money I wouldn't waste it on your plans.
 
I was insulted by the webpage that brought me this, and when I wrote against it I was treated like a customer.
 
 
Is that all I am?
Money?
A marketing strategy?
Decorate it all with the word Anorexia...
 
Whatever, you won't get it.
 
 
 
stay beautiful

Want it and its yours

I've diagnosed myself.
I'm not trying for anything.


I'm dreaming to dream.  I want things to live.
Eventually, I'll become less than what I am as I show more of what I am.
Understand
You shall become nothing when you want nothing.

stay beautiful

Why we try

Supposedly there are scientific studies that show we release 'love chemicals' only during the first 3 years of a relationship.  If you asked, I'm sure Google could tell you more.

My best friend went on a 7 mile run with me.  I'm proud of him; I like to talk about myself, but I'm proud of his attitude.  He did the run for himself mostly.  And spending time with me doing it was only because it makes it feel like he isn't trying as hard.
I pushed him quite hard.  But he will get stronger.  I know there are people that can push me to my limits.  Right now... I wouldn't do so well, but break my heart again and I could do anything.  I'm invincible when I'm broken.


If you could, think of a reason you try.  Why do you keep trying and trying and trying.
Why do you try to wake up?
Why do you try to make yourself lose weight?
Why try to be beautiful?
Why do you deny any beauty apparent in you?
Why are you the person you are?
Why are you reading the blog of a deranged child molester that is currently (during the moments he wrote this entry) playing pokemon?
Why you a fool?


I wish...  Life was harder


stay beautiful

I don't faint

I have never fainted, but I've gotten close a few times.
 
Right now I'm half-asleep and fatigued.  There is a diference.  When close to fainting you lose contact, when you are sleepy and fatigued you have no coordination, but you still know what is going on.
There are four reasons why this happened so suddenly.
1. Food, I haven't meant to, but I'm not eating.
2. Sleep, I didn't mean to, but I didn't sleep
3. Yesterday's walk.  I never gave myself time to recover after walking for 3 hours.  It has been a long time since my 5 hour walks.
4. ...  I don't remember.  I had 4 reasons.
 
 
I feel so alone.
I want to hate life, but thats too hard for me.
 
I'm far too curious to hate.
 
I don't remember the last time I was angry.
 
 
I'm writing this at work because I'm lonely.
 
I wish I could say more, but I'm not a very capable person right now.  Still, it doesn't hurt enough.
 
Stay beautiful

Sometimes I have an ED

I almost felt like crying this morning.
I was putting on my belt and had it to where it felt like it usually was (a normal fit) and I thought I saw another hole...
 
I was so scared I grew a whole waist size overnight
 
Stay beautiful

Short hop- depressed?

I like how in Pokemon you can growl at something that is asleep and its attack still is reduced.

I didn't work today; my work called me and told me they didn't want me to come in.  It wasn't busy.enough to need me.


I cooked dinner tonight.  Its the only meal I had today.
I was fine all day.  Today I bought a Pokewalker (and a whole lot of stuff to go with it like a DS, Soul Silver, Leaf Green, and Diamond- all for $70).  I got somewhere around 15000 steps in with it.  I walked from 10am to 1pm.  Did shopping errands.
I went to the library, returned City of Bones (finished) and Soarer's choice (also finished- also a better book than City of Bones).
I went to the used bookstore, but there wasn't anything I wanted.  So I organized the Magic books.
Then I walked to the card store and bought some cards.
Then I walked to the store to buy dinner.

I was a bit lightheaded at times.  I drank water and was fine.  When I was home I had more tea.


Today I had a dream, I has this dream while walking.  You could say I was 'dreamwalking'
\I'm not sure what to call it, but I'm going to start a group that volunteers weekly.  I'm going to start by finding polluted places and take pictures of the trash.  Then my friends and I will clean it up, and hang out like we usually do.  When we can, we will invite those female acquaintances that we wish were friends in order to spend more time around beautiful girls.  Its good for the community, I will be able to portfolio the whole project (via before and after pictures) and also... I won't be doing all the work.  My friends will pick up trash with me AND I'm going to post this project on craigslist.  I tell people to take a picture of some place with clutter and leave directions on how to get there.  I will set a day on the calendar to clean it up, we will have a whole schedule of planned events like this.  Perhaps someone will get creative and give us other volunteer projects.  Also... I'm going to be brainstorming for more projects.

I'll archive the volunteer somewhere online and send you the link.  I will not be advertising volunteer work here... this is my personal life.  I put my dreams here.
I happened to dream of picking up trash.


Some of my friends online are so beautiful...
I don't have anyone close to me as beautiful.
Nadina, Rosie, Facelessfantasy, Kelly Anne, everyone.  You are beautiful.  I'm left in the dust.


My mouth is dry in my mind.  But I can feel it, slimy, tasting of chai spice.  I've been drooling, maybe those attractive females are stilling inhabiting my thoughts.  I'm such a boy to drool over you.

Pokemon...  Good game.  I have work tomorrow.  8 hours.  Not playing any pokemon at work.


Unless it is acted on, it cannot be called knowledge
Stay beautiful

Less than a body

We dream...

Something about who i am bothers me.  I feel like I changed too much, that by eating food I have lost what made me beautiful before.  If I suck in my hardest I look just like I did this time of year...  one year ago.  I've gained a lot since then, and I rationalized to myself that it was for my tuba.  I needed to be in good enough health to move around.
Last year I remember being so afraid of getting sick.  I felt like there was a disease on my fingertips and I washed my hands many times a day to try to scrub it away.  This year I feel invincible- at least from germs...

I'm dissatisfied with myself.
I always am.
Today...  I had breakfast, dinner, and milk.  I feel like I ate too much.

Part of me wants to cling to someone else who is hurting.  Part of me wants to be the person that needs someone else because I'm hurting.
I've been hunched over a lot lately.  I feel like my back is being truncated.  Strange sensation it is to cower.

I'm getting better at writing and gaming and speaking.  I might have made someone cry today (happiness), but I'm not proud of what I have done.  In my mind I don't see anything I have accomplished.  All I know is that I am unimpressed.
I always am.


I hope that tonight I can catch myself dreaming...
Dreaming of a better day



stay beautiful

Master of the smile

I've had the realization so many times and I still don't know the words for it.

I'll be happy when I feel rejection.


When you let them, feelings seem to take over, the world ceases to be a world and becomes your feelings instead.  So for a while today I wasn't at work... I was rejected by another beautiful woman; one 4 years older than me; who saves lives and writes better than I.  I asked her for too much so she was forced to say no and I broke.
But when you act contrary to a feeling it goes away.
I answered the phone and suddenly I was talking to my job.  When I clocked out, I was clocked out.  I'm fed up with the real world...


Ice flew in the air and ice broke under his heavy boots on the ground.  He was on a thin sheet and could have fallen under, if it wasn't for the fact that the only thing below was more ice.  Somewhere under all the ice was black, he assumed it was water.  With a single crashing stomp he brought his foot down, hoping to surpass the granite-ice barrier.  The ice was too hard.
His foot cracked under the impact.
And he plunged into blood.
Black, icy, blood.


stay beautiful

Hours

We spend hours of a day thinking about what to do next.
There are hours spent doing things without thinking
and we sleep for hours.

Stay beautiful

The worst selection of mate

The happenings in life go as follows:

My English grade improved when I didn't show up to class all last week.  I have a B now.  For now.
I finished a book, and I'm about to finish the other.  I was proud I was able to sustain reading two books at once at a good pace.
Work, been doing a lot of it.  Money is so important in life.
Diet exercise... none at all.  Recently I had this phase where my parents would ask me at the end of every day what I ate all day.  I usually said something like "breakfast, carrots..."  or "breakfast, apple..."  Since then I've been eating a bit more.  Today I ate "breakfast, banana, broccoli, greek yogurt, meat, small potato and cookie"- hell, no wonder I'm so fat.  I ate 7 things.  Ew...

8-12 meals a day was a joke.  When I said that I used to consider breakfast alone 3-5 meals and whatever else, but people would always give me the funniest look when i said "I eat 8-12 meals a day"
haha jokes on you.
People believe the most obvious lies sometimes.


This girl.
I've been flirting with someone 4 years older than me.
Truth is.
She is so interesting...
I liked when she said to me "I'm sure the though has crossed your ind.  How to uncage a girl"
I get goosebumps when I read that.  Its so me.  I love trying to get into people's minds.  She is... impenetrable.
I want to get know her.
Doesn't hurt that she is pretty, or that the first things we talked about was dieting.
She loves someone else.  But that makes it even more fun for me...

You never want me to chase after you
Stay beautiful

I am my greatest art

I'm not alright.

Fine defines me, I walk day to day I work hour to hour and I even eat at meals.  I exercise enough, not too much, I think about school, I even review the information (but I'm still behind).  If you looked at me, evaluated my actions I'm fine.

The dark white of emptiness took my soul from me.
All I can think of is dark white.

Every day is dark white.


I'm not going to die for a long time, but from now until I die I foresee it.  Whiteness for eternity. 
Without color. I'm just like everyone else.

Its time... to darken the lens.
And stop being myself
Gotta be somebody else

stay beautiful

11

I hate November.

1.  It is cold in the morning, so you wear layers so you can survive; then in the middle of the day it get hot- maybe layers wasn't such a good idea.
2.  3rd lap of school.  Everything is finishing, but you have at least a month to go.
3.  Thanksgiving: worst holiday ever.
4.  Work gets hectic, its also the best month to work on a job application if you have no job (holiday hiring)
5.  Audition month.
6.  I ...


I don't like this game anymore.
I don't like any games.
I didn't want to do anything last night but wait.
Wait...

Oh well, I deserve to be used.  And I asked for it, even though I knew it would make me sick.

Last night, a friend in distress called me.  I told her I could hang with her until midnight.  So I picked her up, drove to nowhere, and stared through the moonroof at the stars.  She didn't look at the stars that long.  She kept looking at me.  I knew what she wanted.  It makes me sick.  Why can't you people say what you want?
I'm not afraid of throwing my life away.
I'm not afraid of throwing away my happiness, my health, my present.
I sort of gave her what she wanted, I made out for like a minute.  Makes me sick feeling.  I don't want to think about it.
Then i curled up in a ball.
She asked me if I was okay.
I asked her if she was okay.
She forgot about me and started talking about herself.

The way it should be.



stay beautiful