Blood Gave

I gave blood today

I also ate SO FREAKING MUCH.

I didn't pass out.

Those three things are enough.

42

I didn't eat any more, had only 205 calories more of drink: 2 glasses soymilk and 1 green tea.
Total of today is 905 calories. I also ran my mile, literally ran it at a really fast pace, and then I did pull-ups in between walking laps. Total on those was 43: 10, 11, 10 12.

My mother is really suspicious. Asking "what did you eat for dinner?" Of course I ate nothing, but she doesn't know for sure. I know she suspects, she asks me all kinds of subtle questions, as if she really is testing the lies I give her. She tries to act normal, but at least I know that what I choose is not what she thinks of as normal. I think its normal.
I think I am supposed to starve.

I'm really disoriented right now. I will live.
When my thoughts muddle like this, it makes me feel like I know I'm going to lose weight. Like I'm really that low on sugars and energy sources, so my body will use the little fat I have left. I'm afraid at the same time... what if I lose muscle? Of course I want to be lighter, and I don't mind losing a little bit, but there are some features I would like to keep strong. But I can't think of anything I am willing to lose.
I'm still trying.

I am still trying.

Romantic Not

People have internal conflicts all the time. I apologize for talking about dreams.

I'm also sorry because i author this blog, and eat like a pig. 780 Calories by 1:30 PM. Its gross how much I eat. Somehow, i manage to feel a little sick. My forehead is hot, but besides that and being more tired than usual, I have nothing else. I'm taking these ailments as a serious warning; for example I just washed my hands. Any time I remember I'm going to do something to fight this before I actually get sick. Although sick people lose weight, they have to lay down and do nothing, and they have to eat. I don't want to get sick, because then I can't run, and I can't do push-ups or anything. So I'm going to fight some invisible feeling that i have.
I'm allowing myself even more bananas than I usually eat. I'm probably going to have 3 bananas today, I have already eaten two. But for some reason, I am just so tired.

Anyways, I rode my unicycle for 4 miles so far today and I fixed the tire on my bike. I was thinking of biking to school instead of driving... it is around 10 miles, and mostly uphill, but if I wake up early enough it should be possible. And if I do... I'm thinking about it.

I have to focus on school, grades are the most important thing in my life.

Thanks for reading.

No and Yes

I did run, but I also ate more.
Because my mom was home, and I don't feel like trying to avoid things around her. But yes, I ate a 'normal' amount. I estimate an added 900 more calories. Which takes me to the 'normal' 2000 calorie diet. Good news is I had so much fun today, that normal probably wasn't good enough.
4 laps run, plus another half-hour of random run/walk at my leisure. And 32 pull-ups. Two reps of 8 and one of 16 (which I must say is quite impressive). The food goes somewhere, and its not fat. For that I can be happy.

But what I want is perfection... If I get to that point where my body is that thin; I will be outwardly perfect. I would satisfy everything in whoever that one girl ends up being. When I imagine myself as perfect, I imagine that I have someone to share that with. I don't know if that is wrong. Especially when I have to hide what I really think... I look at the people of the world and i think of how fat they are. I look at myself and I see that I am still on a journey. I'm going to get there one day; with the right freedom, and the right control. I'm going to be everything.

But the problem I am confronted with is where is that other person? The one I share my power with?

I swear; I'm not looking here... I'm just rambling... answer if you wish, but know I'm not choosing. I don't choose.
I don't even know why I dream sometimes, because I know someone else is going to get hurt by my dreams.

Day Fun Easy

I woke up and ate this morning. Something I will never get into the habit of is skipping out on breakfast because I have eaten breakfast forever. I'll always eat breakfast.
And I've spent all day cooking, picking out food and making delicious meals and snacks. But I barely ate so far. Calorie count so far is about 850. Its going to be around 1200 by tonight. I'm dizzy already, but that is because I've had so much fun today. I used up so much energy just smiling; my friends are the best.
I had my friends Watson and D. come over today, Watson is my best friend, and D. makes him even crazier than usual. D. walked to my house from his girlfriend's church for the gaming session we had planned (you can even check us out on youtube!) and I was very much impressed because he came dressed up in black with a turquoise tie on. Looking sharp for a day of mashing buttons and yelling at the T.V. screen.
Watson's entrance was announced by the screeching of tires, he peels out in a 1994 Honda Accord (most stolen model/year of car in the history of car thief-ing). Dang, maybe I'm too dizzy to write cause this sounds like mumbo jumbo to me...

Well, I made some awesome food, and the best part is I didn't hardly any of it, only the samples you eat when cooking so you know it is ready and will taste fine. My friends ate the whole lot.
I made them each a quesadilla one of them got a pepper-jack cheese and spinach one and the other a taco meat and cheese and spices one. Doesn't sound that great from just the ingredients, but the sound of the cheese just bubbling and the cooked aroma coming from inside those tortillas would make anyone hungry.
Then, since D. eats insanely fast and a lot more than Watson (who is trying to lose weight- ironic, because its inspired by me- I'm also much taller than him, heavier (now), and more muscular) I heated him up some leftover spaghetti from when I made some homemade spaghetti a few nights ago (I made WAY too much, and on top of that didn't eat that much of it- I've been giving it out like charity to friends). Then I made snacks. Including Nacho Triscuts- Triscuts are actually low enough calorie (20 cals each on whole and something like 10 cals on thin?) they make a good snack for us, if you need the salt- Banana peanut butter bites, and Frozen Dark Chocolate frosted Banana slices (I LOVE BANANAS- too bad I didn't get to eat any of that stuff...). It was amazing food. I could smell it all. Most of my calories today have come from milk. 560 Cals.
I can feel that I didn't get a 'normal' amount of food. I'm a little shaky- you think I'd be used to this... I dunno.

By the way... I didn't run last night. I think thats 2 nights of not running... So I should be running tonight... or right now.
Let us see how it goes.

I support you all. Whether you like food, you eat food, you don't want to eat, or whatever you do. But you have to eat sometime to survive... I recommend eating bananas- only because I love them!

Goodluck to you all!

Dissapear Why?

Why didn’t I post a blog entry last night? Because I went to sleep before 8:00 PM; all because of some serious stress from work. And what sucks worse is I haven’t run in a while, and the stress was taking me down. I had work today, so I had to eat a lot before work. Thankfully I ate at a good pace and it wasn’t that bad of food. 2 slices of extra thin spinach and mushroom pizza for lunch and 2 pieces of Eggo Waffles with some syrup. I had to do it, the previous day was about 700 calories: which was very good. Although I only think it was easy because I didn’t run and I didn’t work out at all.
What did I do all day? I drove to see a lecture by Ann Bannon, a lesbian pulp fiction writer. And I stayed home talking to people on the computer. Plus work, I had a really easy day, until that dress was going to be picked up.
So I work at a dry cleaners. I would say we are very classy cleaners, one that no friend of mine around my age can afford, but we offer good quality. We also use environmental equipment and chemicals, so its very ’clean’ cleaning. But our prices get outrageous sometimes. Our $3.29 a laundered shirt is comparable to dry cleaners in the area, and our newest store’s price of $2.19 a laundered shirt it competitive. But sometimes… when a plain looking silk shirt gets detailed in as a silk blouse per-say the price is around $15. For one shirt kind of garment. Our Wedding dresses are about $300 for the CHEAP ones… and that is where my error comes in. I was way too easy on this customer, and I didn’t get a good look at the dress because it was in a bag. I quoted her $61.89 on a dress that should have started at $265.00. She was willing to put the dress in with the quote I gave, except that shouldn’t have been the price. And it went all the way to my boss before things got ugly. My Boss took some mercy on the fact that I had misquoted… He only gave the garment a $60.00 upcharge to the dress. But that isn’t what makes this too ugly, the customer called me. When I was working. And I was yelled at for “the price changing without [her] permission.” Totally my fault there (even though she should have been charged around $300). But, then she came in. And she was even more angry because the dress was not cleaned to her standards. We had removed stains that had left black streaks all over the bottom lining of the garment. I was personally fed up because the dress was not pressed perfectly, it looked ever so slightly wrinkled- the kind of wrinkled I see on one of the shirts in my closet and I deal with it because: truth is things wrinkle a little- and I was powerless. But I have magical powers: I swear I do. The second she stopped ranting, I looked her in the eye and spoke evenly. I said the truth “I don’t know what I can do for you, but this ruined my Friday too.” And she nearly buys the dress there. Due to my puppy eyes or something. But eventually she reconsiders… anyway, everything is going to work out. Just feels like I was killed of stress for a night. And when I woke up…
I wasn’t ready for the next day. So I ate food. I needed to not collapse today. Its working out. I’m going to run tonight. I’ll have to.
So I’ve focused a lot recently about the bad things, but everything before then was awesome. Right now, I just need little things to keep me going. I’m home with my dad, he is going to make some Banana ice Cream tonight for us- I’m going to have to eat it, but even if I didn’t want to eat it (I guess I’m taking a break?) I’d feel compelled- and I got extra hours at work today. Life is going well, as always. I got 100% on my other blog- I have to blog for a class and my teacher loves everything I say- but you can’t see it because it’s a private network system.
I just spilled green tea on my work shirt. Looks just like water, I feel good. I can’t freak out over the stain because 1. Doesn’t look like a stain 2. Its no big deal: I get free dry cleaning still. I still love my job.
I swear, my friend G. has a bad job. And he doesn’t know it… He loves it. I don’t know, I think the store is awesome, although it doesn’t offer much, and a lot of what it offers is shirts with marijuana or death on them (things he doesn’t endorse) but he likes it there. A little store in the mall- it probably is about the size of my family’s living room with a bathroom attached to the back of it. He gets paid $1.75 an hour. Minimum wage here is a legal $8.00; and THAT is hard to live off of. He couldn’t feed himself with the money he earns; working up to 11 hour shifts, and at least 6 days a week. And if he works at the same time as somebody else he splits pay with them, making basically nothing. No one at his work puts as much dedication into the store as him, not even his boss. I don’t know… he got offered to work at a frozen yogurt store part time, he doesn’t want to take it. It would be a relaxed easy job, not too many hours, and minimum wage pay, something G. could use. Even I could use extra money. Maybe I want that job for myself… I’m going to ask him if its open to me, and I’m always willing to step aside for G. if he needs it for a while. Wouldn’t sharing a job be awesome?

I was going to go to the library today, I have a late fee on a book! I haven’t even been reading that book. Maybe that is what is wrong with my life, sometimes I just know something is up. And I haven’t read in a while.

Girls, sometimes I really don’t know. I just want a life, where I can work and she can work. We can live in a quiet little place- most of my dreams its just an apartment. I want to go to school forever, and I want her to always talk to me. What am I saying? This is just crazy. I’m an emotionless demon. I’ll suck your heart dry. And still you will give it to me because I promise. I make so many promises; but I warn you too. None of them are worth anything.

When I woke up this morning, I felt like I couldn’t make it through today. I’m halfway through, I’ve allowed myself to eat, and I’m not fat, I’m not starving, and I’m not even bloated. Life feels like everything is working out but I’m waiting for something. I don’t know what I am waiting for.
Maybe at the end of today I will be happy enough to know. Melancholy clouds me when I know everything is going to be okay. One day, in the future, I will be even better than I am now. But for now, everything is okay, and tomorrow, everything is okay.
Did you hear that? Everything is going to okay.

Before you go to sleep tonight, tell yourself “everything is going to be okay.”

Land Zombie

So I went to see Zombie-Land, I might put the pictures somewhere (here is they all fit) for a while...
Oh, I didn't just see the movie, no, I saw the premier, and I got free tickets to the premier because I was a zombie. I dressed up for the part, and it looks pretty good- thanks to the small work i did on myself with Crayola paint and dirt and some really quality stuff from the professional make-up artists. I know my paint is going to wash off fine, but so far the fake blood, face-paint, and oil... I'm not too sure about that. Definitely worth the time tonight.

Oh, and I totally skipped class to do this.
I was a bit popular by virtue of my unicycle. I rode it as part of our "Zombie-walk" to the theater- the free premier ticket group had met at a comic book store and from there made our way to where the production was taking place- The movie was supposed to be a comedy. And it was funny, the main character has all these rules that would show up whenever things happened. I kinda felt sad for him when the first girl he ever got close to turned into a zombie when he let her spend the night at his place. But later on he found a girl with gorgeous eyes and things worked out.
Eyes... We had a girl in our group (with her boyfriend) that had great eyes. She is taken of course, but it makes me glad to see that beautiful eyes do exist out there. No offense meant if I haven't said something like that to you.

1670. I'm thinking I have the metabolism of 6 people or something... because I had an energy crash today- with that much calories. No milk today... Sad day I guess.
Exercise: not really, I went to school for my first two classes, hung about doing things (like homework for the class I was going to skip- but it ended up that class was canceled). Yeah, I regret I ditched one class; it is my first time ever skipping class without a parent note for absolutely no reason. No good reason. But I'm alive.
I feel tired. And the dried paint on my face is kinda uncomfortable. Tomorrow I am going... to school to do some extra credit.
Besides that and work I have nothing.

ESUAP

The title of this post is PAUSE.

Okay, wait.

First, I'm not much of an Anorexic, I'm a wannabe. But I would be even more of a wannabe if I had the freedom to be. I don't eat too much, but I drink so much milk... seriously out of the total 2310 calories I had today 1120 was from milk alone. MILK. And I'm not thin enough to be defined as Anorexic, although you can now see the veins of my stomach and legs as well as my arms and hands. I guess I just have a strong heart.
All due to the LOADS of protein from milk consumption... Maybe if I just switched to skim milk it would all change... But I can't do that, because that isn't in my control. My family will not buy skim milk. So I have to deal with loads of calories and fat and protein.
I did become a sort of Fitspo. Seriously... when I suck in like I used to, its not half as good as it used to be. Where it used to look like I was organless you can see a six pack sticking out... At least I know I invented the workout of the year... even if it does make my stomach protrude (with muscle) at all times. Crazy... Good or bad?

Dangit... Running is getting SO FREAKING HARD. But I ran 2 and a half miles. I don't care how hard it gets... I'm sticking with it. This is like the third lap, where you know you finished halfway, you feel like you can't make it, you want to slow down, you want to speed up, its too far, its too close to give up. I WILL... i don't know...
What am I trying to do?

And another reason to pause... Girls... I'm so sorry. I sound like a nice guy. I talk like a nice guy. I even give you warnings that I am truly a monster. But you still talk to me. I'm evil. I just want you to watch yourself. Because one day, I'm going to ask you if you ever wake up thinking about me, and I'm going to say that I do. I wake up with you on my mind. Its true, but only when we talked last night. Its true, but only when I revisit our conversations in my head. Its true, but it is true for 100 others. It has been true forever. And I am the most shallow man you will ever meet. I give compliments yes. I love you all. I'm so sorry.
I can't just love one.
I don't love just one.
I love nothing but one... And even I don't know.
And I don't know if I just change, or it gets old, or what. I'm on my third lap in love I guess... I always am.

I'm too far, I'm not far enough. The finish line is a lap ahead of a lap. Its too far. Its so close. I'm going to keep running, and see where that puts me.

Evil? What So?

I know I'm evil. I can admit it shamelessly when it doesn't matter. I'm a seducer, and I wait for the moment you won't care what I say to warn you that I am evil. That is the way I am.

I did my run today; only a mile, but I did some other walk/jog, I can't tell you how much because I wasn't counting. I also did pull-ups between laps. I did 5 sets of 8 and one set of 10. That totals to 50, and it was over a 40 minute period or less.
Really, I haven't worked hard enough...

Debit card came in the mail. Its a Visa, so I can buy things online for the first time in my life. I'm sad about other things at the moment though.
Food: blegh. I am not even counting today, I know its about 3000. Thankfully its mostly protein, and I worked hard enough to make some of the carbs nullified. I don't know what is up with me, maybe I'm hungry or something, but I didn't stop eating. Not all day. And I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it back. I want that emptyness. And I want to be like all those girls with the willpower to do this every day for 50 days. I won't be allowed to starve during drum corps (maybe if I purge...) but I don't know. Parts of me say that I'm fine the way I am. I know I am thin enough for my liking. What I want is starvation. Empty. Headaches. Dizzy. Dark sleep.
I want to be comrade to the women that I love so much. For some reason I love Anorexia. The deathly thin, the ones that are still normal weight, but starving every day of their life, and the girls without the confidence for every day. I just want to lay down and die with them. I want to starve and succumb to darkness.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. Its easier to starve when I am home alone.
Funny thing is, whenever I mention food, drink or eating my mother FREAKS out now. She acts like I could die. I tell you, I won't die from Ana, we are separated too much. And I am not strong enough to hold on tightly enough. I've kinda let go of her.
But I still love you.
All of you.
Beyond this love, I have no other.

Back Its

My computer is back.

Since then lots has happened, I've forgotten most of it because my brain is just that small.
Last night I took a run, but this time I ran 8 laps (2 and a half miles) with 5 pound weights on each leg. It was seriously a death run.
But I survived, and will do it again sometime...

Food, I've had far too much. I won't put up the calorie counts of the days I missed this because it is best I don't. And for today. No again.

Been talking to the people from PrettyThin that added my MSN messenger. All of them are nice girls, and they are so strong. I'm surprised they would want to talk to me. Still, I'm fine.
I need to focus more on school; and I actually want to because of PrettyThin. All the support and love from its members makes me want to succeed more than usual. I want to do everything.

I miss drum and bugle corps... I wait for the day in December that I start.

"Gnosis" means something like "Knowledge"

2385 calories today versus a 5 mile walk, a 10 mile bike ride, and a 2 and a half mile run, plus some scattered push-ups, pull-ups, and Ab work. I have to face it; no matter how hard I work, as long as I eat this much: I'm gaining.
Some people consider that a good thing. I'm right back where i was a just last week though. So really I didn't make much progress, my legs are thinner, and I think I am even heavier than before. There are no scales in this house...

Besides that, I was at school today. I'm pretty amazed that I got my 5 mile walk in during my break. G, my friend, who is totally cool to hang out with, took the walk with me. He fared better, maybe its because I am so tired. I really thought today was Tuesday nearly all day long. I was so tired I had tried to merge lanes when someone was in my blind spot. For that I promptly got honked at.
I feel so bloated. And the worst part is I don't have a huge problem just not eating so much, but when people pile things on my plate I have to finish. Otherwise it is an insult, and when people expect that I eat, I have to eat. My idea of being able to "work anything off" has been hurting me I guess.

I've had lots of protein. So I am stronger; I can feel that when I do pull-ups which are the hardest thing on the planet. Seriously, you can hit 3 and your heart is racing as much as it is when sprinting. 10 is unbearable; I really don't know how I make it there. And today I hit 14, which I shouldn't have done because that is my current peak. I should have done 12 so I could have followed up with 10 instead of following 14 with 8.
Anyway... My sister is visiting this weekend. She comes when I am gone for work tomorrow. She wants to see the movie "9" by Tim Burton. I'll go see it, but popcorn... eh, doesn't sound like fun anymore. My sister is going to say "You love popcorn!" to which I can say something like "it gets stuck in my teeth" "it isn't good anymore" "that EAT THIS NOT THAT book converted me." I'm also worried about how that is going to interfere with running, so far I've been at least doing an hour walk ever day.

My dad is taking this computer for the weekend. He needs it for football. Its my computer, but I can live without it. I love you all; I respect my parents.
You know what. Sometimes I wish I got the same respect from them.

But if they want to play the game I'll play the game.
Its time to ease back.
Ana,
I'm coming home.

Suck I Wow

I did not get to 300. I was lazy, I did 120 push-ups. Went to a park with some friends, hung out and ran around with them. It was kind of a farewell hang-out for our friend that shall be going to Davis.
I feel so sick right now; maybe that is because the total count today is at 1725.
I don't know why I am so tired... I haven't been trying hard enough.

So lazy. Tomorrow, during my 3 hour break between classes I'm going to take a 7 mile walk. That should go well.

Say To Lots

I seem to have made a friend on the running trail I use, and I think I finally figured out a good estimation how to calculate my true distance.
So far my calorie count is at about 1205 and it is 12:35PM. Doesn't seem like I am trying to lose weight does it?
But after adding the small workout I did this morning- and shall continue after blogging this- to the 2 hour walk I just took: I'm doing okay. That walk was intense. When I hit 40 minutes I started to feel my soreness come out a little. Then at the hour mark I felt great again. At 1:40 I was really sore, so I started running a little, and went 1 mile running. I regret it, but I had gotten hot just before I decided to run and took my shirt off (shouldn't have worn black). People were staring at me. Thankfully I the place I run laps around is a park in a very quiet neighborhood, but there was landscaping guys that took their break near the park that were watching me and old people that crossed by with gaping mouths and blank eyes. It was annoying, but more so. I'm not some doll or person on a magazine cover. I just wish they could leave me alone. They mostly did, and except for making themselves look like brainless fools, they caused me no trouble.
2 hours is a long time. Or it feels like a really long time to exercise for.

Anyway, about my friend. My new friend is a cat. I've stopped in the past to pet him, or will walk to him during my breaks, so it likes me now. When I was running today it kept going to the edge of the trail and laying down waiting for me. When I got close it would meow and roll around. I kinda wanted to stop, but it was well before the hour mark. I was shooting for 2 hours and stopping to spend time with that new friend would have taken away from that goal. I'm sorry. I think the cat is a guy, but it could be female for all I care. I usually like female cats better anyway.

The course I run is the perimeter of a park. Inside my loop is a soccer field, a park, a basketball court, and a bunch of trees. It is mostly shady and about 1/3 dirt. I like it because it is close to my house and the ground is relatively flat. I have used the monkey-bars in the playground to do pull-ups on occasion, and will continue to as long as I use that park for my runs.
So far I've just been counting my laps as every 4 is a mile. I know the loops I do are much larger than a 400 meter track lap, but in order to keep myself from overestimating I underestimate. Last night I ran 16 laps (pretended that was 4 miles) in about 40 minutes. Which is much slower than the pace I was going. Today, when I ran that mile (or 4 laps) straight at the 1:40 mark I had finished and saw I was at the 1:50 mark. For me, a non-stop jogging mile is about 8 minutes, not the 10 I had taken. So I estimate that every 4 laps is actually a mile plus one more track lap of 400 meters. Therefore, last night I ran about 5 miles in about 40 minutes, which is much more reasonable considering I never stopped jogging the entire time, and ran the last lap out.

I'm trying. I'm trying to try as hard as those with the freedom to starve. I have no such freedom. My stomach hurts... all I ate was a sandwich for lunch- a big sandwich- it feels gross. I feel like I can't move, but I have to at least work out a little bit more.
I'm off to finish this day: my goal is 300 push-ups before dinner tonight. Should be easy. I will try to post anther entry tonight with my total calorie count for the day. BTW, I don't have school Wednesdays if you were wondering where I got the time from.

145 Is Much How?

For a 6'1"-ish kinda guy how much weight is that? I'm not sure if that is my weight, after all there are no scales in my house, but I'm trying to be as perfect as I can be. If I could do anything I wanted I would get down to 125 no problem. I'm not too concerned about my weight.
Anyway, I did the 4 mile run I wanted to do. And I did pull-ups too. I feel kinda out of it, but that is just the temporary high from working out.

I'm trying to try as hard as other people. There are girls that do not eat anything in a day, or eat 500 or less calories every day for a week. I am not allowed to do that, I do not have the freedom, I can't get away with it, I have to somehow exhaust every ounce of energy I consume in a day. They try to tempt me with food here. Eating makes me hurt. I'm sorry, but i want nothing more than to go hungry for a while.
I miss you Ana...

Baking You Are What?

Baking? no.
not me, my mother.
I'm leaving on my run now.
I've done at least 125 push-ups in sets of 25. Its getting too easy. Going to do pull-ups or up the count, or go to one arm. Yeah, I've got the power. And I'M NOT EATING THAT.

Moment this Dreading

2995 Calories. Approximately. Most likely more...
So yeah, I was right, I eat about 3000 calories a day and that is considered "normal" for my family. Its crazy! I don't know how I maintain my weight! I took a 40 minute walk this morning. Was at school all day, that doesn't count for much, and now that it is full on evening I'm trying to jam in as many push-ups as possible and most likely sneak out for a run. I hope I go at least 4 miles non-stop, and I could probably do more... with all those freaking calories to back it up. I'll never lose like this...

Still, the food isn't the worst part of missing Ana. And I DO miss Ana. Ana gives you a warm dizzy feeling when you know you are going strong. When you don't eat for a whole day and you go to bed, you sleep so well. And best of all, you don't have random hormonal urges to have sex. Yes, I do hate when my body decides it wants something I don't get at all, wouldn't you hate your body telling you that it is thirsty when you can't drink? I hate my body for that. I love how my body looks, I only work to perfect it because I feel it is like a good piece of writing that you should never finish working on. But Sexual urges frustrate me. Starving myself was the perfect solution.
Sounds crazy?

How crazy does this sound: I'm eating 3000 calories a day, but I'm going to try to lose weight. Do you think I can do it?

I love you Ana, one day, we will live together in union. My love for you is pure; you sap all lust from me and make me beautiful. I want to be yours Anorexia.

Dad and Mom you Fuck

Seriously...
ZIP PRIVACY. I AM SO ANGRY.
MY PARENTS READ THE RANDOM PAGE I WROTE ON HOW I WAS DOING WITH NOT EATING. THEY ARE FUCKING BUGGING ME ABOUT FOOD. THERE ARE NO FUCKING SCALES IN THIS HOUSE. I HAVE NO HELL PRIVACY. WHY HELL FUCK THE FUCK HELL CAN'T THEY JUST NOT PRY INTO MY LIFE. THIS IS MY DECISION, AND I DON'T NEED MOMMY AND DADDY TO FUCKING GIVE ME A FUCKING STUPID TIME ABOUT IT.
Really, what the hell...
I come home and my mom says "you didn't eat anything, I bought bread for you." THERE IS A FUCKING PIECE OF BREAD MISSING AS IF I ATE IT!!! DO YOU GODDAMMIT PAY ATTENTION. WHEN I MAKE THE EFFORT TO BE SNEAKY YOU BETTER SEE IT.
So dam. I was caught. I'm not a kid now that I am 18. So what do I do? I lay low.
I'm living at home... and it is hell.
AND NO MORE FUCKING WRITING.

Birthday My Not

So I was at a friend's birthday yesterday. His actual birthday is today.
Anyway, birthday leads to cake: and I hate cake. Not only that, but that cake ruined my diet for that day. Before going over to have cake I had eaten nothing but a banana and had a glass of soymilk. Total= ~100 calories. + cake (I really do hate cake, I don't even like how it tastes) = new total of about 600-700 calories, and I had a small slice of cake. But you can't just not eat cake... he is Hindu, and by tradition you are supposed to "act" modest. Truth is, when I go there I don't want to eat anything so I naturally refuse, but also, tradition demands that you eventually accept, and that implies that tradition tells you to keep shoving whatever it is in their face until they say yes.
Thats not all though. He decides he wants to make it a tradition that on his birthday we go to a Round Table Pizza; where the unanimous decision is to order a "Wombo Combo" simply because it has all the meat of the "Ulti-Meat" and more. I enjoyed 2 things about the 'Wombo Combo': 1. Everyone dug in and didn't notice that I hadn't even eaten a slice until there was about 4 slices left. At which someone did notice and watched me heap 2 slices on my plate (I was inwardly angry). and 2. Wombo Combo is also a video gaming term for when a team pulls a 2 on 1 pounding that your opponent doesn't have a chance to escape from.
So I came home with what felt like lead in my stomach. I knew it was a mushy blend of chocolate, thick crust, various meat toppings, and artichoke. Ew...
Anyway, I'm not the type to throw it all up, so when I got home I parked the car out front, locked what I didn't need in the car and took a run. Went a bit over 3 miles or 12 laps around the park I use as my "course."

Anyways I wish you the best of luck. I do consider myself lucky; lucky I survived without discomfort a run with chocolate cake and pizza in my stomach.

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