Day

Feeling cold.

Seeping cold like sap from a punctured trunk. Cold ooze running tracks from the cracks and the musty smell of winter. Silence like a tree fallen.

In the new sunrise light.

A new

nothing will change

stay beautiful

All for 1.83

So not quite nothing.
But to some people that is nothing...
And as life threatening as it is to get low grades.
Its not even the grades I'm interested in. But if I want to stay afloat I'm going to have to change that part of me.

I hate changing...
I've noticed I'm very resistant to change. I've always had a built in recovery system where if I feel like I'm losing too much weight I eat a little more to keep my focus. But I know I'm just trying to stay the same...
I think.
I don't even know anything.
Especially me.

Here I am with terrible posture. Seemingly I've given up on everything. Seemingly to the data...
I don't know why it is I can't try for anything. I feel like I'm trying to get past this stage of life in as few moves as possible. Getting up as little as I can. Eating only when it must be done. Nothing extra?
Hm...
But I have been doing things extra even though i don't want to.
Its really pathetic... but I was hoping that this break would give me relief from what I think is an addiction to video games.
I really feel that weak.
I can't do anything without wanting to play... because playing makes me feel like I can do something right. And when I take a break from the work I want to play more. And when I'm tired and need to sleep I just want to play more. When I wake up I want to play before I eat. I'm lost.
Already.
No wonder I'm so useless.


I wonder why it is that no one else suffers like me...
If they don't care about their grades they also don't care about the class, they also don't care about the material, they don't care if they learn or not, they just want to get through it. Where in my case I care... I want to leave with the knowledge, and most of all I don't want the class to end (no matter how tormenting my failures are) until I have succeeded.
Why can't school be like that?


stay beautiful

Wishing me better?

When people wish me to be happy
I kinda want to tell them to fuck off


stay beautiful

Worthless

I failed out of college.

They haven't even told me yet, but wow... I missed a final and a project because I didn't know my schedule. And I didn't know...
I need to reconcile my worthlessness. I need to do something to recover now.

I messed up

forgive me

ihate

Apparently I don't like my roommate.
Not enough to cause a fight, but enough to talk of his faults much more often than the good side of him.
And when I talk about his faults I think about mine. And wonder if I am a worse person than he is.

I have decided I am not.
But I hold myself to a much higher standard... and he might still get somewhere in life because he is more sociable whereas I have given up on trying to get along with the world.
I refuse to conform because everyone else does.

Little things... such as using the phrase "how are you?" casually
that there is a negative stigma to death, pain, suffering, sadness, depression, eating disorders
that most believe that people have the right to think/believe whatever they want

I hate those three things.
Just those fundamental differences between me and most of the people in this world make a barrier.
A wall.
4 walls and a roof if I shield myself enough.
Almost a house
A house for me to call home.

If I shelter myself and refuse to change...
But I don't
I just refuse to change to be like them.
I will change, but it will be to love those who suffer more and to find better ways to care about humanity and to hopefully find a way to fix those people that are wrong.
Not the people that are sad and suffering... those people aren't wrong.
Just the stupid people... I want to kill their idiocy.


I guess there are reasons no one trusts me with power
and reasons more so that when I have power I have no idea how to use it

stay beautiful

Later

I'll do that when I have time for it
One more of this first
In a few minutes I'll start
Soon as I finish this up
Later...
I'll even eat later

But then time rolls around
and it never happens.


stay beautiful

Dark Rabbit

There isn't a point to having a better body.
:(
Every day is so...
All I'm doing is wasting time

Its really pathetic that because of emotional turmoil I couldn't learn something yesterday. And that because I'm sad I don't do enough work.
I wish I could get warm.
And find food worth eating.

I hate how I don't have an appetite and I have to eat because I can't think as clearly or its been a few hours. I want to feel hungry, but at the same time I don't like hunger. Its nice because I actually want something instead of simply trying to hoard the best resources I can, but hunger also is a time of less control.
So even if I do feel hungry I'd rather suppress it than admit to it.


I hate the way my life is right now.
The people annoy me.
I hate myself.


I'm interested in the information out there... I just can't trust it.
I'm not sure how I'm living life... but I don't think I trust myself either.

I feel like I sleep or something during the day because I'll count my heartbeats and then the day is almost over. I'll be looking at something and it will be long gone before I look away. I'll be spending time talking to someone and they have to go. And when they go I have nowhere to be myself. What am I supposed to be doing right now?

I've failed.
I know it.
I hope vainly that I can continue even with my failures behind me.
But I doubt I can even exist like this for much longer.

I wonder what will happen when this all crumbles.
Will the world end in that many days, hours and minutes?



stay beautiful

Relief by mob

Ran in a mob.
Of naked people.
Naked

Why? because others were doing it. because I don't feel like I have much time left here. because it allowed me to take the burden I felt and throw it in to the mob.
No one felt like I do
Diffusion so to speak

And... I'm still feeling like I was never sad in my life. High off the happiness of others.
But how long will that last?

Only...
I knew this.
I know my happiness depends on others. I need other people to be happy and I need to make THEM happy for me to be happy.


Otherwise I feel this intense hungering
never getting full or satisfied
dragging myself sad
and stubborn
refusing to get help or help myself
Not giving a damn
Wanting death
wishing it on others
Hate
and more hate

So this is the alternative. To live vicariously the life of a happy pig.
Eat and feel full
Even if that is not what I personally believe in or feel myself
I'll just plug myself in to the feelings of others like some robot

Reflecting on it...
I don't want it to be either way
just want... a future


stay beautiful

Not sure what to do

Even this morning with my disordered eyes I spotted someone else who was eating less than they should be. I believe her nervous glances betrayed her, but I could be dead.

I could be wrong




stay beautiful

Binge and music

Naz... Do you even have a PT anymore?

Ew...
this place
Food
fuck it all
even the people.
Some normal
some thin
almost all of them loud
lucky me... my headphones almost block it all out



I'm actually happier now that I've eaten.
I want to write books. I feel like writing books is the only use of talent I can make at this point. I fell behind in science. And yet, when I analyze how brutish this writing is... how much I emphasize the raw communication.
Its just another ugly part of me.
I don't think any part of me is worth anything
Even my ideas are worth nothing.


I can see why some people say music saves lives.
But tomorrow I might not see it.
I wanted to die... surrounded by this...
Time to steal something  what scares me is that this is the world we live in. We exist in a place where individuals living their truths can be subjected, directly or otherwise, to fear simply for living those truths

there... if you can't read it highlight it. Don't be a dipshit



stay beautiful

Not feeling it

At about 8pm I felt hungry.
That means to me that I'm not sick.
Oh the thought of food felt so delicious.

I was thinking creamy asparagus soup, broccoli with tillamook cheddar, a cranberry smoothie and oh so beautiful pumpkin pastries.
But...
no.

I have to do something the right way.


I don't feel sore until I exercise.
Took a day off from running because that 11 miles put a twinge in my left knee. I mostly took care of it. I'll do some one legged squats now while you peeps are reading this. It really does work... make your quad muscle strong enough with the proper alignment and then it won't pull the knee out of alignment and you'll never get knee pain.

And if you don't like those factoids you wouldn't like me.
I could annoy myself
But I like to be criticized.

No one else does though
this is why I can't be loved



stay beautiful

A little hungry

I'm always sad
But this news made me want to eat out of sadness

I can't do that.
I can't go in that direction
I need to get worse and not better.

I know I'm hurt, but I need to do something tonight. Just to prove I'm sick.





stay beautiful

So what

11 miles

I used to envy that distance
used to wish I could just go out and run it
now I can
But...
I still can't die for this beauty
I eat as a reflex
not good enough

at least I held myself to

11 miles

tomorrow?
maybe some more

stay beautiful

Weak

Trying to get back into losing weight reminds me of how weak I am.

Head starting to ache already. Only been... 6 hours.
Want to run. For an hour.
Next meal in... 3 hours.
So 2 hours to...
to...




stay beautiful

You do it

suddenly I am able to type much faster than I have been able to in the past.
And that sentence took so many attempts... it wasn't even worth the effort.

I've been full in terms of food.
empty in terms of company.

Hm...
Isn't is foreign to have people around but feel just as empty as when they aren't?
It gets even worse when they leave, like the stopper pulled out of the bathtub. Let the water drain away.

It interferes with the way I concentrate. If I want people I tend to think about that.
When my mind doesn't have that burden it can do so much more.

I'm learning things.
Learning that I still don't exceed as a student. That work takes too much work. That the system is built to train slaves- and I mean it, because so many of these people do work without using their mind; searching for the correct answer without the reason for even starting the problem. That being stupid has many advantages.
oh... and I've learned a few things about hybridized orbitals. But not enough about that.
I've learned far too much of the inefficiencies of bureaucracy and how people in the government structures use this system to benefit their own self.
I see around me the products of nights of fun, spent without any consideration of price- whether it be money or health. I think that... one of the reasons I have been so healthy is because I want to lead by example on how to manage the simple things.


and yet I'll never get what I want.

And I don't see myself making the sacrifices to my meals anytime soon to lose weight.
I see myself gaining weight in the future.
I'm actually no excited for the holidays.
I don't want to be around for those.



stay beautiful

No soul

There really isn't a resource for people that want to die.

No... we always have to 'seek help'
and that...
help
it won't save you

Its fucking the same thing that you KNOW is out there
someone that says they will LISTEN
well listening isn't going to bring change

Its sad...

Being me
is sad
pathetic

Its cold
I wonder what it is going to be like when it rains
colder?

Am I ever going to focus on losing weight again?
I'm just so done with wasting my life.
I want to spend it doing something


haze haze day every day
freeze freeze
play dead
play pretend
doesn't even make sense




stay beautiful

For all the gone

There were a few times where I was telling myself I was suffering enough to blog about it
And I only now get around to blogging
When I've forgotten what it all felt like

Vicarious emotions...
Last night I saw productions
Stage emotion bouncing in a room. Angry words and racial relationships and the evil of the womanizer.
I hate having to bear it
But... someone else probably hates it too when it actually happens to them and isn't just pretend.
I'll never be hated like that
It is very unlikely for me to be refused something because of my race
My diversity is boring
I know nothing of my past
Do I even have one?

I hate culture because it leads to nowhere
If everyone held on to their culture until their knuckles turned white then we wouldn't get to talk about it. And while I'd like to be open minded... I'd like to also question the purpose of a culture.
What does identity matter when individually we mean so little?

And no you don't get to believe what you want to believe
I don't get to believe what I want.
I don't get to be accepted for my beliefs.
So if your beliefs are unacceptable the same to you


For the most part men don't seem to like women with curves
For all the organizations pushing for women with curves to have state recognized beauty... good for you
but I don't see the point.
I can find beauty in a person, but optimal beauty doesn't look lumpy.
Do I get to tell the world what beauty is?
no...

I actually like this room
and one of my roommates really respects me
But...
I constantly feel like I should be leaving this life
and shouldn't make bonds because of that

When I move on from this life
I'll simply be dead
no spirit
no afterlife
dead

No more friends


stay beautiful

The giving up disease

Every day now I see myself walking on a path and I want to stop

rest.

Sit

Because I don't see myself going anywhere

I don't want to walk if I'm not making progress

Sometimes this stopping gets a hold of me and I do pause

And for just a little while I give up on going forward

I'm so content with giving up

But then I shake my head to break the illusion

I tell myself I have to move on

and I start walking again

stay beautiful

A wasted resource

I've learned that when people don't want to give you any of their self they will feel like immobile objects. But I know... I know that I feel that because they feel immobile.
And...
When you meet a stranger and they say they will see you around
they never mean it

I've known that one for years
Strangers
I'm closer to them than friends sometimes.
I wish I could admit to everyone what I feel
Because... Then maybe they would know how to treat me

But all the people that I confess to are artless.


stay beautiful

Will I get used to this

I've said I would be fine with it
Now its time to test
Am I ready to be intimate
with someone that I...
would rather not be intimate with?
Or maybe I want to be...
Interesting dynamic
Why else... would someone like that be wanted?



Stay beautiful

Words for the public

This is meant for the author of Shaking;walking, M.
But... because the words seem to express what I feel for everyone
I'm putting it here


Everytime you leave you die in my mind

I mourn you
And then I wish for you again
or a ghost of you if that is all that is left
please
don't die on me again



stay beautiful

I must be taught how to treat you right

Like a globe of glass
My heart shatters as it hits the
lowest point, but how low is that
when every moment feels low
every day low
every
feeling
slow

Not doing enough
I don't feel like it
This emptiness
Feels
Like it hurts
But I don't know

Like a shard of glass
I pass my days
reflecting on the past
Those days I should have died
So that I'd never be
In this room

melting
too much pressure to hold
melting
the pressure
I fold

And...
now I'm a globe of glass
falling to the low
The surface tenses before hitting the ground
shattering into another
low



stay beautiful

slam poetry

Why is it when I try to write nothing ever comes?
I'm not artistic enough
I need to workout
I eat too much
I need to suffer

I can't let other people know what goes on in my head so I compose myself perfectly around others. But left to myself I'll twitch and other things... I try to surround myself with other people as a sort of pill to keep me swallowing my manic tendencies.
I don't believe in a cure

If I didn't have other people I'd have to kill myself


I think I will
fade

try not to exist







stay beautiful

Blanket

For once in my life I am struggling to learn.


I keep examining myself and thinking of how little I actually know.
I think I have a talent for assimilating knowledge but not quite for mastering it. This is why my mind is so eclectic, but never specific enough for me to love myself.

My body is especially abhorable right now.
I don't know why I eat so much here... I thought at first I would eat less because I finally have the freedom to do so. I know if I were cooking for myself I would hardly eat at all. I wish it were that way now.
Bloated feeling.

What annoys me more is how I feel slightly fatigued every day and how deeply I sleep at night.
I feel like the inclines and stairs here are the cause of this. I'm humiliated because I would like to think I'm stronger than that.


I even stop to think if I should run or not.
I'm getting too weak for myself.

I feel like if I try to get strong I'll push myself into disease- like a cold. Not disease like a disorder.


stay beautiful

Go ask her

You think I'm tired but I could never sleep in this weather
Outside so calm, chill, undersaturated and only mildly wet after today's light rains.
But inside a perfect storm. The kind that will bring me to the edge of sleep and never bring me to it. I could die for this ideal, but I won't.

I used to forbear sleep because you burn more calories awake than asleep. Its true... sleep less and you can most definitely put yourself in energy debt. And that is what losing weight is all about. Being behind on energy income... but on purpose.
I mean to fast someday while I am here. But I haven't utilized my freedom like that yet.

Another question...
Why would I want to dream when something better is so much closer and yet the thing I love is always out of reach.


I still hate myself.
Even more because I know how dependent I am on the idea of the beautiful just to feel sufficient in my days.
I still hate the question "How are you?"
Because my answer still hasn't changed. After years of wanting to be thinner or less existent... Nothing better has been felt.
I still tread the path of failure
And I'm not sure how I am going to make it through my honors calculus course.

But...
there is time
And...
I have a hope
Maybe
just maybe I'll learn eventually what it feels like to kiss a person that your body loves.

I've also decided that as tired as I am it is not tired enough. I can do more. Better. This is always how it is. How it begins. And why I fight doesn't even matter anymore.
Too much food. Thinking about food. Buying food.
People suck. I asked for help and no one helped me.
I feel like I can't ask for what I really seem to want though. Hugs. Long intimate warm embraces.
I crave those like oxygen.






stay beautiful

Poison and sleep

My best friend had his 21st birthday last night.

I like usual didn't drink. But my friend, my sister, my other friend and the roommate all drank. The roommate also got stoned out of his mind, yet he was also the most useful person there. Goes to show how lethal pot is right?

I didn't drink on my 21st birthday because I don't ever want to drink alcohol. I know part of me says it is too many calories. But even if that part of me died I wouldn't want to drink.

I wish pieces of me would die.
It is hard to know if death is better than sadness. The closest I have to death is sleep.
And sleep... I wish I could get more of it. Endless sleep sounds so wonderful. Dreaming, even if you don't remember the results. Its the twisting of the story, its as real as fantasy gets. Perfect fantasy.


Two people threw up. I wanted to ask if they tasted the pizza on the way out... that was always something that annoyed be about pizza was that it was such a terrible food to purge. So big and the taste of pizza watered down with hydrochloric acid...
But lets not pretend like I had a problem with that. Of the few times I purged it is true though that pizza was the meal prior.

My drunk friends can say some dumb things and wake up asking why they ever did something. I live with ever decision. I know I decided for every mistake. Every time I hurt myself was practically on purpose. All this shutting the world out is my doing.
When drunk its like an alter-ego doing all the evil for you.
I don't have excuses.


Its interesting.
My whole life feels pointless.
but I like talking to you Alice


stay beautiful

Sorry

Bills, homework, school, difficult classes, death in the family... all these things don't bother me much. Not at all compared to the feeling I get when I am abandoned.

What is sad... this is mostly my fault. I've isolated myself.


But when I try to reach out and communicate with people... I receive only emptiness back.



stay beautiful

Don't make a promise

Sometimes you see something atrocious and you just laugh.
Its like the world played some prank on you and you're getting front row tickets to see it all.

At first I didn't believe the message when it came to me. I know some of it isn't quite true, just true to what she thinks of me... Which apparently isn't appealing whatsoever.
But I don't find myself that abhor-able. If I did I would likely have tried something by now. Likely I would need to get drunk... be a different person for a while than this vile body I am.

But why do you laugh when it isn't fun?
I feel as if...
We laugh when we don't know what else to do.


After all... what else could I have done?


stay beautiful

You've got mail

Daniel Fucking Law. Remember how I said I spent the better part of a year being miserable for no good reason? Well, if it wasn't clear enough- YOU were my no good reason. YOU are the thing I am trying to run away from. You want me to hate you? Well, here it is: I hate you, Daniel. Is that good enough reason to stop making me miserable? To stop dragging me down once I finally get up? I hate your "not an eating disorder" and your "thinspo" and your desire to suffer and your hopelessness and I hate most of all your want to be hated. Nobody can love you this way, Daniel. You make it impossible. Those that think they do, don't really know you.



Guilt as charged.
But... as for no one loving me...
I hope that is not true.

I have someone in mind that might have deceived me into believing I can be loved like this.

Stay beautiful

The Chase

Lets play a game





tag.



you're it







stay beautiful

Greek Love

It fucking sucks talking to yourself.
I was thinking for a moment today that it would be proper to keep my mouth shut when I'm alone. Why would I talk when I have no one to talk to?
It gets worse... I get to see why other people hate talking to me. I can't ever love listening to myself.

Its more of that hate at all times relationship. Or hate then ignore.
How do you ignore yourself?
Actually I think I've been quite sucessful at it. I've been living off more video games than food. Yesterday I had a bunch of shoveling to do and I knew I couldn't do it without fuel. The world instantly changed.
I hate eating.
The static of starvation is admirably suitable.
Although... I can't say its effects are flattering to my appearance.
Girls are so lucky... I have to do extra work to be worthy of a lingering gaze. And even then I'm not attractive to begin with.

I've found a source of motivation.

I think I've worn out my vacation. I need to start something new. But it doesn't start yet... and when it does start I don't know what I am going to do.


Who am I going to be?




stay beautiful

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