Go ask her

You think I'm tired but I could never sleep in this weather
Outside so calm, chill, undersaturated and only mildly wet after today's light rains.
But inside a perfect storm. The kind that will bring me to the edge of sleep and never bring me to it. I could die for this ideal, but I won't.

I used to forbear sleep because you burn more calories awake than asleep. Its true... sleep less and you can most definitely put yourself in energy debt. And that is what losing weight is all about. Being behind on energy income... but on purpose.
I mean to fast someday while I am here. But I haven't utilized my freedom like that yet.

Another question...
Why would I want to dream when something better is so much closer and yet the thing I love is always out of reach.


I still hate myself.
Even more because I know how dependent I am on the idea of the beautiful just to feel sufficient in my days.
I still hate the question "How are you?"
Because my answer still hasn't changed. After years of wanting to be thinner or less existent... Nothing better has been felt.
I still tread the path of failure
And I'm not sure how I am going to make it through my honors calculus course.

But...
there is time
And...
I have a hope
Maybe
just maybe I'll learn eventually what it feels like to kiss a person that your body loves.

I've also decided that as tired as I am it is not tired enough. I can do more. Better. This is always how it is. How it begins. And why I fight doesn't even matter anymore.
Too much food. Thinking about food. Buying food.
People suck. I asked for help and no one helped me.
I feel like I can't ask for what I really seem to want though. Hugs. Long intimate warm embraces.
I crave those like oxygen.






stay beautiful