What are you doing?
I need to work on school.
You aren't doing that. You haven't even done anything today.
I did 300 push-ups.
300? Are you weak? Which hand are you doing them with?
I'm not doing one-armed at the moment. Why are you being so lazy huh?
School.
You know what. I'm leaving. You do your school. But when I come back. You had better be ready to die for me.
I'm always ready for that. I love you.
You need me that's what.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Body A Is Am I All
All I am is a body...
I have nothing when this is gone. If I stop working on my body I die. I am mindless, ambitionless, emotionless. If you break a bone so i can't walk I become half dead.
I have nothing to offer you but my body...
Giving blood is so important to me. But I'm having a hard time. I was so dizzy today from abstaining meals that I can't remember much. Life went by in a blur, uncordinated mess, but I'm getting thinner so it is okay.
Last night I gave myself a reward. I took a long hot shower. It was the greatest gift I could have gotten. It felt so much better than food tastes.
I love that song: Butterfly by Crazy Town. The lyrics are smooth, I wish I could talk like that.
F-F and I... I can't even think about that. I'm out of it. But I can tell you when my mind clears up she is there, until the fog covers all traces of her again. When I get into a relationship with her I hope I do not eat just to keep her in my mind. wow, that was selfish of you. I don't mean any insult to her. What I want is for her to be on my side. I would do anything to have her on my side. After all, I'm just trying to be more beautiful. I do not know... She is part of a good family. She would oppose all form of harm. I love her partly because of that.
A long time ago she found my poetry when I would write about 'the game' as I called it. I wrote about a demon torturing me. For one page I had described how the demon skinned my hand. For another he drowned me. In yet another dream he constricted vines from a rose bush on my skin; the thorns piercing and drawing blood, he scratched my eye and blood ran down my cheek mingled with tears and inter-um-what-is the word? fluid. I tried to reach my hand up to tend to my damaged eye, and the vines held me down, the thorns bit deeper, and I died bleeding to death. Strung out like a wet rag.
She read one, or maybe more, of these papers (much more graphic than I put here) and decided to talk to me; even though she was so shy she never would have on her own. But out of necessity and streghth she reached out to save me. This was 2-3 years ago, in the first year we had known each other. Since then she has grown, more kind, more caring, more beautiful.
Talent streaming out of her ears and grace flowing from her mouth.
I was disappointed tonight. We had some kind of a party that I had forgotten about. Where I had eaten nothing until this, I had to eat during it. I had rich food; salmon, Caesar salad with artichoke in it, asparagus (cooked in a special way that I invented), 1 shrimpn (people told me to eat the last one and watched me eat it), a leaf of lettuce, celery (yay!), tried a little of a cheese log, and finally, a slice of pumpkin cheesecake. I do not want to even estimate how the grossness sheer quantity of calories I consumed. I thought of purging; but I'm not doing it. I did so well for the rest of the day. I played tennis in the morning- windy as could be outside today- and went to work. I hate parties.
MY GRANDPA DIED.
THE ENTIRE PARTY PEOPLE TALKED ABOUT HOW WE SHOULD CELEBRATE AT HIS FUNERAL BECAUSE HE HAD A GOOD LIFE; "Mourn his death, celebrate his life" AND THE WHOLE TIME I'M DREADING ANOTHER PARTY. I SHALL GO THROUGH WITH ANYTHING FOR HIM. I WILL BE THERE FOR HIM, NO PARTY, NO STARVING, NOTHING ELSE.
I'm so emotionless I know I will not miss him. I can't help it. Please readers, forgive me, I can't even get to the point where I feel sorry for myself. I live a life without emotion. I am a rock.
I am nothing but a body...
Stay Beautiful
I have nothing when this is gone. If I stop working on my body I die. I am mindless, ambitionless, emotionless. If you break a bone so i can't walk I become half dead.
I have nothing to offer you but my body...
Giving blood is so important to me. But I'm having a hard time. I was so dizzy today from abstaining meals that I can't remember much. Life went by in a blur, uncordinated mess, but I'm getting thinner so it is okay.
Last night I gave myself a reward. I took a long hot shower. It was the greatest gift I could have gotten. It felt so much better than food tastes.
I love that song: Butterfly by Crazy Town. The lyrics are smooth, I wish I could talk like that.
F-F and I... I can't even think about that. I'm out of it. But I can tell you when my mind clears up she is there, until the fog covers all traces of her again. When I get into a relationship with her I hope I do not eat just to keep her in my mind. wow, that was selfish of you. I don't mean any insult to her. What I want is for her to be on my side. I would do anything to have her on my side. After all, I'm just trying to be more beautiful. I do not know... She is part of a good family. She would oppose all form of harm. I love her partly because of that.
A long time ago she found my poetry when I would write about 'the game' as I called it. I wrote about a demon torturing me. For one page I had described how the demon skinned my hand. For another he drowned me. In yet another dream he constricted vines from a rose bush on my skin; the thorns piercing and drawing blood, he scratched my eye and blood ran down my cheek mingled with tears and inter-um-what-is the word? fluid. I tried to reach my hand up to tend to my damaged eye, and the vines held me down, the thorns bit deeper, and I died bleeding to death. Strung out like a wet rag.
She read one, or maybe more, of these papers (much more graphic than I put here) and decided to talk to me; even though she was so shy she never would have on her own. But out of necessity and streghth she reached out to save me. This was 2-3 years ago, in the first year we had known each other. Since then she has grown, more kind, more caring, more beautiful.
Talent streaming out of her ears and grace flowing from her mouth.
I was disappointed tonight. We had some kind of a party that I had forgotten about. Where I had eaten nothing until this, I had to eat during it. I had rich food; salmon, Caesar salad with artichoke in it, asparagus (cooked in a special way that I invented), 1 shrimpn (people told me to eat the last one and watched me eat it), a leaf of lettuce, celery (yay!), tried a little of a cheese log, and finally, a slice of pumpkin cheesecake. I do not want to even estimate how the grossness sheer quantity of calories I consumed. I thought of purging; but I'm not doing it. I did so well for the rest of the day. I played tennis in the morning- windy as could be outside today- and went to work. I hate parties.
MY GRANDPA DIED.
THE ENTIRE PARTY PEOPLE TALKED ABOUT HOW WE SHOULD CELEBRATE AT HIS FUNERAL BECAUSE HE HAD A GOOD LIFE; "Mourn his death, celebrate his life" AND THE WHOLE TIME I'M DREADING ANOTHER PARTY. I SHALL GO THROUGH WITH ANYTHING FOR HIM. I WILL BE THERE FOR HIM, NO PARTY, NO STARVING, NOTHING ELSE.
I'm so emotionless I know I will not miss him. I can't help it. Please readers, forgive me, I can't even get to the point where I feel sorry for myself. I live a life without emotion. I am a rock.
I am nothing but a body...
Stay Beautiful
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
November 24
Oh, sorry about the false alarm. You see, I was so confused with my life I didn't notice the blood drive is next week. I shall be ready to give then thank you.
"She knows"
"Get away from me... I'm listening to you right now"
"You ate a lot today"
"And I'm not eating now, yeah I ate more than usual, but it was still below normal"
"Really? What did you eat?"
"Cookie dough, enough for 4 cookies, cereal- 1 and a half cups-, a sandwich bag of broccoli, 8 waffers (150 cals), a crepe..."
"And?"
"Nothing. I told you I was listening."
"Were you, that is a lot"
"I'll count it up quick if it makes you happy. I'm estimating 200 for the cookie dough, 350 for the cereal because its got all those nuts in it we know, 25 for the broccoli, and we know the 150. Then I'll give a 300 for that crepe even though it was small. So what was that huh?"
"1025, but you didn't count drink"
"Yeah, but we know I don't want to count that... otherwise I'm going to the 'unhealthy' habits"
"I'm not unhealthy... I'm trying to help you"
"I'm going to keep that body of yours beautiful okay?"
Maybe this isn't normal It feels too normal. My hip bones feel so good! But when I ate... It felt like they were pulling back. That was just my stomach bulging. I didn't eat SO much food my stomach would bulge, but I did have a gas reaction to the cookie dough- which wasn't the worst kind of dough there is anyway. It was a finish ribbon cookie dough. Oh, and I forgot 1 or 2 cookies, they had jam in them. so what 1100. Its under 1200. That is a realistic goal. And health professionals can't complain too much because I drink stuff too.
Health professionals recommend never going below 1200 calories a day for extended time.
So my grandpa is dying. I went to the hospital in ICU tonight to talk to him. I held his hand and asked him questions. I talked about drum and bugle corps while remembering how he used to eat flowers in his salad as a kid. He is jittery, confused, there is phlegm blocking his airway, the doctors don't have a complete diagnosis on why he suddenly nearly passed away, but he has had cancer for years. He probably will not make it to Thanksgiving which is 2 days away. I love him.
He is on marijuana, he thinks its cool. I think it is cool too. He does remind me a little of once when I was near high friends. He shakes a lot, and rambles. Lots of energy for someone who can't sleep or walk because his knees collapse.
Personally I think dying is cool. I'm sad for my grandpa, but I don't want to save him. I just want him to get some sleep before he dies, and I want him to leave ready; so if he has to say goodbye, or if he has to get up on his feet and die trying to walk then so be it. I want him to have the strength to go out the way he wants. Marijuana was always something he wanted to try before dying so he got that. It doesn't stop the pain he said, but he said it saves him from those other places.
He woke up at 3:30 because he had uncontrollable vomiting. He can't sleep. He is wired in at both arms at the bend in the elbow, and he has something in his left chest. We visit him.
I was glad I came, and when I told him I was glad of that he thanked me. I asked him if he ever thought it would be the last time, and that was when he looked me in the eye and turned normal for a second. He said he had been thinking that way for... and then he just lost track. But when he was trying to remember since he started thinking of death I saw fear in his eyes. He was afraid of something, maybe afraid I would find him weak.
I'll always remember that my grandpa died in a good way. Sure he can't do anything but wait, and he is hard to understand because he is so tired and drugged. But before he died he thought about it really hard, and then he talked to all of us, not all of us about death, but he was able to...
I'm looking to say something about him. You know... if you were to die. You would just want to lay down and sleep, but he keeps moving. He can't get out of bed- no strength- but keeps readjusting his pillow, scooting forward and back, crossing and uncrossing his legs. I think, that if he lives for a week like this, he will get up. To me, the best thing that could happen is that he gets up, and while everyone thinks it is all over he tells them that he is ready, and it is ready for him.
"The wise man is not caught unawares by death, when it comes his time he is always ready"
Stay Beautiful
"She knows"
"Get away from me... I'm listening to you right now"
"You ate a lot today"
"And I'm not eating now, yeah I ate more than usual, but it was still below normal"
"Really? What did you eat?"
"Cookie dough, enough for 4 cookies, cereal- 1 and a half cups-, a sandwich bag of broccoli, 8 waffers (150 cals), a crepe..."
"And?"
"Nothing. I told you I was listening."
"Were you, that is a lot"
"I'll count it up quick if it makes you happy. I'm estimating 200 for the cookie dough, 350 for the cereal because its got all those nuts in it we know, 25 for the broccoli, and we know the 150. Then I'll give a 300 for that crepe even though it was small. So what was that huh?"
"1025, but you didn't count drink"
"Yeah, but we know I don't want to count that... otherwise I'm going to the 'unhealthy' habits"
"I'm not unhealthy... I'm trying to help you"
"I'm going to keep that body of yours beautiful okay?"
Maybe this isn't normal It feels too normal. My hip bones feel so good! But when I ate... It felt like they were pulling back. That was just my stomach bulging. I didn't eat SO much food my stomach would bulge, but I did have a gas reaction to the cookie dough- which wasn't the worst kind of dough there is anyway. It was a finish ribbon cookie dough. Oh, and I forgot 1 or 2 cookies, they had jam in them. so what 1100. Its under 1200. That is a realistic goal. And health professionals can't complain too much because I drink stuff too.
Health professionals recommend never going below 1200 calories a day for extended time.
So my grandpa is dying. I went to the hospital in ICU tonight to talk to him. I held his hand and asked him questions. I talked about drum and bugle corps while remembering how he used to eat flowers in his salad as a kid. He is jittery, confused, there is phlegm blocking his airway, the doctors don't have a complete diagnosis on why he suddenly nearly passed away, but he has had cancer for years. He probably will not make it to Thanksgiving which is 2 days away. I love him.
He is on marijuana, he thinks its cool. I think it is cool too. He does remind me a little of once when I was near high friends. He shakes a lot, and rambles. Lots of energy for someone who can't sleep or walk because his knees collapse.
Personally I think dying is cool. I'm sad for my grandpa, but I don't want to save him. I just want him to get some sleep before he dies, and I want him to leave ready; so if he has to say goodbye, or if he has to get up on his feet and die trying to walk then so be it. I want him to have the strength to go out the way he wants. Marijuana was always something he wanted to try before dying so he got that. It doesn't stop the pain he said, but he said it saves him from those other places.
He woke up at 3:30 because he had uncontrollable vomiting. He can't sleep. He is wired in at both arms at the bend in the elbow, and he has something in his left chest. We visit him.
I was glad I came, and when I told him I was glad of that he thanked me. I asked him if he ever thought it would be the last time, and that was when he looked me in the eye and turned normal for a second. He said he had been thinking that way for... and then he just lost track. But when he was trying to remember since he started thinking of death I saw fear in his eyes. He was afraid of something, maybe afraid I would find him weak.
I'll always remember that my grandpa died in a good way. Sure he can't do anything but wait, and he is hard to understand because he is so tired and drugged. But before he died he thought about it really hard, and then he talked to all of us, not all of us about death, but he was able to...
I'm looking to say something about him. You know... if you were to die. You would just want to lay down and sleep, but he keeps moving. He can't get out of bed- no strength- but keeps readjusting his pillow, scooting forward and back, crossing and uncrossing his legs. I think, that if he lives for a week like this, he will get up. To me, the best thing that could happen is that he gets up, and while everyone thinks it is all over he tells them that he is ready, and it is ready for him.
"The wise man is not caught unawares by death, when it comes his time he is always ready"
Stay Beautiful
Monday, November 23, 2009
Time Melting
"You should eat today"
"But it doesn't feel right"
"Your mother just told you to eat."
"But its only been 6 hours... I can go so much longer without food"
"You should eat today because you are giving blood tomorrow"
"And who are you to say that I have to?"
"My name is common sense."
I might have freaked out just a half hour ago. My chest hurt. But I don't know why. It is not because I am too thin or I'm not eating enough. I eat plenty. Today I ate 2 pieces of toast for breakfast, and a bowl full of vegetables. I'm fine because I drink enough milk that I don't have to worry about a calorie deficiency at all. I swear I'm fine.
I want to try harder.
I'm still afraid of my mind. My silence is probably hurting her... and I feel it. Right after this I'm going to be there. It takes me time to prioritize.
Time is something I'm wasting all over the place.
Stay Beautiful
"But it doesn't feel right"
"Your mother just told you to eat."
"But its only been 6 hours... I can go so much longer without food"
"You should eat today because you are giving blood tomorrow"
"And who are you to say that I have to?"
"My name is common sense."
I might have freaked out just a half hour ago. My chest hurt. But I don't know why. It is not because I am too thin or I'm not eating enough. I eat plenty. Today I ate 2 pieces of toast for breakfast, and a bowl full of vegetables. I'm fine because I drink enough milk that I don't have to worry about a calorie deficiency at all. I swear I'm fine.
I want to try harder.
I'm still afraid of my mind. My silence is probably hurting her... and I feel it. Right after this I'm going to be there. It takes me time to prioritize.
Time is something I'm wasting all over the place.
Stay Beautiful
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Mind Out In
I'm out of my Mind because I'm stuck in it.
No. I cannot explain.
I saw an old friend and she said "you lost weight": it felt so good to hear that. Then she said "...you could die". No.
Give me some credit. People say to me all the time "You are Genius!" I'm not going to die like this... I'm smart.
Smart = I'm going to eat tonight, we have this small thanksgiving get together with friends... and because I'm smart I shall eat.
I'd like to tell you the progress I've made, but I do not have a clue.
I can't remember what I ate, or didn't eat...
How many push-ups I did. What other activities I did. I seriously do not know.
I can give blood in 2 days. And I will. So if it kills me... That might be a good way to die.
I just told you I will not die. But I'm kind of hoping that giving blood is as serious as they say. Because it never is... Giving blood was the same to me as getting a shot. It stings, the bandage looks like a bandage and hurts when you take it off, and you don't feel lighter or light headed or anything. Well, except the thing where when I get poked for a needle to give blood I black out- remain 100% conscious, but I see black for a while- I'm fine. I can talk all the way through it. I feel better really fast. I bleed out in about 6 minutes. I can do it. I won't die, even though I would like to... just a little.
I want to die just a little.
Stay Beautiful
No. I cannot explain.
I saw an old friend and she said "you lost weight": it felt so good to hear that. Then she said "...you could die". No.
Give me some credit. People say to me all the time "You are Genius!" I'm not going to die like this... I'm smart.
Smart = I'm going to eat tonight, we have this small thanksgiving get together with friends... and because I'm smart I shall eat.
I'd like to tell you the progress I've made, but I do not have a clue.
I can't remember what I ate, or didn't eat...
How many push-ups I did. What other activities I did. I seriously do not know.
I can give blood in 2 days. And I will. So if it kills me... That might be a good way to die.
I just told you I will not die. But I'm kind of hoping that giving blood is as serious as they say. Because it never is... Giving blood was the same to me as getting a shot. It stings, the bandage looks like a bandage and hurts when you take it off, and you don't feel lighter or light headed or anything. Well, except the thing where when I get poked for a needle to give blood I black out- remain 100% conscious, but I see black for a while- I'm fine. I can talk all the way through it. I feel better really fast. I bleed out in about 6 minutes. I can do it. I won't die, even though I would like to... just a little.
I want to die just a little.
Stay Beautiful
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Finest
I have surrendered to geekdom. Magic The Gathering took my soul for a while... I'm sorry I let it happen everybody!
Now I have this huge mess of cardboard pretty cards everywhere...
I have been bored.
Today was a struggle. It felt like there wasn't enough food in me and I ate a small small portion of dinner. I'm so glad I got away with it. Yet the whole time, I felt like I ate too much. I would eat an apple and think too much sugar. And so I never ate my pear.
One liberating thing is giving food away. G. hung out with me while I typed up a last minute draft of a term paper and I have him food. Friends help you out when you are in need. And if I collapsed while making my dizzy-headed way up the stairs, G. would have saved me. Of course, I wasn't even dizzy headed until he left. Then I felt so out of it.
F-F wants me to see her again this weekend. Saturday night we shall meet when the sun is down. It will be crowded, she will be surrounded by some kind of group of people, so it would be the time for me to show the world what I feel for F-F is true. I have to show myself this. The worst part of this... I feel sick thinking about it. How can I publicly say to someone "I love you" when I am so afraid of the crowd? I know I can do it... but can I feel it while I do it? Can I leave the eyes of the people staring at me behind me, and keep my focus on the one it should be on? I am more afraid of myself and my own in-competencies than the crowd's judging eye.
What did I eat today? Well, I know I did pretty well because I can't even think of what I ate... I ate breakfast of those bars I made... That was the worst thing of the day. And those things are really healthy. I like that when I bring them with me for food they are so easy to get people to try. I say "I made this banana bread with no butter and no egg- not even substitutes" and they are like "no way" and so I break of half for them so I don't have to eat as much. They always say that it is really good. One time my friend Watson said "its really dry", but that was with the original recipe; which I changed so that they are always moist. I do know how to cook!
I will talk more about these banana bread bars some other time. I practically make them twice a month, and I hardly have to eat any of them because they are so good my family eats them for breakfast, snack and dessert and never notices when I do or do not touch them.
I'm glad tomorrow is Friday because I have been far too lazy for my own good. Or my own bad if you think working on my physique is a negative thing.
I should go to sleep and get the earliest start I can tomorrow!
So goodnight
and
One last thing... I have not told F-F I have an ED. I want her to be my girlfriend in the future. For now we are not Boyfriend and Girlfriend, but we might just be as soon as next month. I've brainstormed things like what to do for a really romantic first kiss, but I don't know when to break it to her that the guy she is with wants to be a skeleton and needs to starve. Because if I had to choose... Would it be Ana or F-F?
It is sad that I would even consider such a thing... I would choose F-F. But I would at least miss Ana, and I wouldn't go easily. Because I can't. I don't want to leave.
Stay Beautiful
Now I have this huge mess of cardboard pretty cards everywhere...
I have been bored.
Today was a struggle. It felt like there wasn't enough food in me and I ate a small small portion of dinner. I'm so glad I got away with it. Yet the whole time, I felt like I ate too much. I would eat an apple and think too much sugar. And so I never ate my pear.
One liberating thing is giving food away. G. hung out with me while I typed up a last minute draft of a term paper and I have him food. Friends help you out when you are in need. And if I collapsed while making my dizzy-headed way up the stairs, G. would have saved me. Of course, I wasn't even dizzy headed until he left. Then I felt so out of it.
F-F wants me to see her again this weekend. Saturday night we shall meet when the sun is down. It will be crowded, she will be surrounded by some kind of group of people, so it would be the time for me to show the world what I feel for F-F is true. I have to show myself this. The worst part of this... I feel sick thinking about it. How can I publicly say to someone "I love you" when I am so afraid of the crowd? I know I can do it... but can I feel it while I do it? Can I leave the eyes of the people staring at me behind me, and keep my focus on the one it should be on? I am more afraid of myself and my own in-competencies than the crowd's judging eye.
What did I eat today? Well, I know I did pretty well because I can't even think of what I ate... I ate breakfast of those bars I made... That was the worst thing of the day. And those things are really healthy. I like that when I bring them with me for food they are so easy to get people to try. I say "I made this banana bread with no butter and no egg- not even substitutes" and they are like "no way" and so I break of half for them so I don't have to eat as much. They always say that it is really good. One time my friend Watson said "its really dry", but that was with the original recipe; which I changed so that they are always moist. I do know how to cook!
I will talk more about these banana bread bars some other time. I practically make them twice a month, and I hardly have to eat any of them because they are so good my family eats them for breakfast, snack and dessert and never notices when I do or do not touch them.
I'm glad tomorrow is Friday because I have been far too lazy for my own good. Or my own bad if you think working on my physique is a negative thing.
I should go to sleep and get the earliest start I can tomorrow!
So goodnight
and
One last thing... I have not told F-F I have an ED. I want her to be my girlfriend in the future. For now we are not Boyfriend and Girlfriend, but we might just be as soon as next month. I've brainstormed things like what to do for a really romantic first kiss, but I don't know when to break it to her that the guy she is with wants to be a skeleton and needs to starve. Because if I had to choose... Would it be Ana or F-F?
It is sad that I would even consider such a thing... I would choose F-F. But I would at least miss Ana, and I wouldn't go easily. Because I can't. I don't want to leave.
Stay Beautiful
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Cold The
The Cold.
Today was freezing, I was outside all day. I wasn't cold. I had on a cotton shirt, and a Body Glove. I have got to go shopping for more of those things...
I was able to stand out there where everyone else was freezing with their jackets and scarfs and heavy coats, and I was fine in a body glove plus another layer. Maybe wearing one of those things is not always so magical, but still, I need more anyway. Whats more, I looked it up: they are on sale! (of course... it isn't water-sporting season... It would be a wonder if the store stocks any at the moment).
I apologize for the absence. I have been out of my mind tired. Sleep hasn't been easy lately. My shoulders have been hurting. And I'm ready to cause them more pain on Friday.
It seems my cat has scratched my forearm, and the cut looks beautiful. Is this wrong to think?
I like the look of my skin with a little blood showing through, the perfect little seams of dried blood around the cuts. The pinkish tint around the incision. It is so pretty.
I didn't do it...
Food! My body has been screaming for food. And I keep saying no. I said yes once when I shouldn't have today. I felt like I needed something... I don't think I did, but maybe that is what got me through work today. I ate some cookies; really small cookies, but enough that it would be the same as if I ate a few big ones. Besides that I haven't had many calories at all. I'm under 1200 today- This is not recommended by your doctor (for extended periods of time). Which is good news.
So, I need a body glove, my body is more beautiful with blood splashed on it, and I'm doing quite well with food. I'm sad I can't work as hard on the weekends as on week days. But my gosh... it is cold. I'm going to be able to see tomorrow of the body glove really helped or not. Hope it was the reason I felt so great today. Because it would be the perfect reward for regaining my six pack. Forgot to mention that, but I slimmed down my waist, and buffed out the abs a little, and it is back! Yay! I felt so wide for a while, and without the clear definition I am used to, I felt fat too! It was sad. And the workouts I am doing are easy to maintain. I'm so happy.
I have to dedicate some of my happiness to F-F. Because of her, part of my mind is constantly in bliss.
Stay Beautiful.
Today was freezing, I was outside all day. I wasn't cold. I had on a cotton shirt, and a Body Glove. I have got to go shopping for more of those things...
I was able to stand out there where everyone else was freezing with their jackets and scarfs and heavy coats, and I was fine in a body glove plus another layer. Maybe wearing one of those things is not always so magical, but still, I need more anyway. Whats more, I looked it up: they are on sale! (of course... it isn't water-sporting season... It would be a wonder if the store stocks any at the moment).
I apologize for the absence. I have been out of my mind tired. Sleep hasn't been easy lately. My shoulders have been hurting. And I'm ready to cause them more pain on Friday.
It seems my cat has scratched my forearm, and the cut looks beautiful. Is this wrong to think?
I like the look of my skin with a little blood showing through, the perfect little seams of dried blood around the cuts. The pinkish tint around the incision. It is so pretty.
I didn't do it...
Food! My body has been screaming for food. And I keep saying no. I said yes once when I shouldn't have today. I felt like I needed something... I don't think I did, but maybe that is what got me through work today. I ate some cookies; really small cookies, but enough that it would be the same as if I ate a few big ones. Besides that I haven't had many calories at all. I'm under 1200 today- This is not recommended by your doctor (for extended periods of time). Which is good news.
So, I need a body glove, my body is more beautiful with blood splashed on it, and I'm doing quite well with food. I'm sad I can't work as hard on the weekends as on week days. But my gosh... it is cold. I'm going to be able to see tomorrow of the body glove really helped or not. Hope it was the reason I felt so great today. Because it would be the perfect reward for regaining my six pack. Forgot to mention that, but I slimmed down my waist, and buffed out the abs a little, and it is back! Yay! I felt so wide for a while, and without the clear definition I am used to, I felt fat too! It was sad. And the workouts I am doing are easy to maintain. I'm so happy.
I have to dedicate some of my happiness to F-F. Because of her, part of my mind is constantly in bliss.
Stay Beautiful.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
November 15
I was supposed to do something today. I had planned to volunteer around Reno. But no ride.
Today; nothing. Okay.
Push-ups. I lost count.
I don't know what I have done today.
I wrote. That eased my emotional state.
I read a lot today. What else can I say about today? I didn't feel all that impressive.
I think I should sleep early.
Today; nothing. Okay.
Push-ups. I lost count.
I don't know what I have done today.
I wrote. That eased my emotional state.
I read a lot today. What else can I say about today? I didn't feel all that impressive.
I think I should sleep early.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Trouble Car
I'm colder than I was before.
It hurts.
I didn't even count how many I did today.
I need to sleep after this.
I will not be able to...
Today I had car trouble. I was at work... long story long story long story... and now my mom's minivan doesn't work. It is my fault. Still my mother doesn't blame me. The one time I borrow her car... it just breaks.
My friend Watson is a pal. I haven't told him yet, but I am going to make him a steak because he was so great to me. When my mother needed a ride to where I was (insurance would NOT tow or even touch the car unless the insurance holder was there, and guess why I was using her van in the first place... because there was no other car!). He convinced his mother to allow him to give my mom a ride. I love my mom, she needed to get work done today and she helped me out. Then, Watson had made plans (without me... but it was cool cause things worked out) to come over for video games. And when I told him I'd call him back on it, I forgot. I was too busy figuring out how to cover the rest of my shift (you see, for my shift I drive to 4 stores and work the lunch break for all the staff)... which worked out. Then he calls me back saying in a puppy dog voice "you're going to tell me we have to cancel huh?"
I had to let him come over. And we had a blast, he brought HD (Another friend) and M. M. is a new friend. Friends are awesome. When they left I started doing my push-ups. And now I must sleep.
Today, I have seen myself shirtless a few times... and I can notice a HUGE difference from the pictures I have on PT. I might need to upload more. Show people the progress.
Whenever I think of all the times I failed, I also think of how much better I could be. I can't say I will be able to try harder. But I will at least move forward from here if I can.
F-F is always on my mind. Maybe that is why through all the car trouble and everything, all I could think about was her and my friends. I wasn't sad all day.
Stay Beautiful
It hurts.
I didn't even count how many I did today.
I need to sleep after this.
I will not be able to...
Today I had car trouble. I was at work... long story long story long story... and now my mom's minivan doesn't work. It is my fault. Still my mother doesn't blame me. The one time I borrow her car... it just breaks.
My friend Watson is a pal. I haven't told him yet, but I am going to make him a steak because he was so great to me. When my mother needed a ride to where I was (insurance would NOT tow or even touch the car unless the insurance holder was there, and guess why I was using her van in the first place... because there was no other car!). He convinced his mother to allow him to give my mom a ride. I love my mom, she needed to get work done today and she helped me out. Then, Watson had made plans (without me... but it was cool cause things worked out) to come over for video games. And when I told him I'd call him back on it, I forgot. I was too busy figuring out how to cover the rest of my shift (you see, for my shift I drive to 4 stores and work the lunch break for all the staff)... which worked out. Then he calls me back saying in a puppy dog voice "you're going to tell me we have to cancel huh?"
I had to let him come over. And we had a blast, he brought HD (Another friend) and M. M. is a new friend. Friends are awesome. When they left I started doing my push-ups. And now I must sleep.
Today, I have seen myself shirtless a few times... and I can notice a HUGE difference from the pictures I have on PT. I might need to upload more. Show people the progress.
Whenever I think of all the times I failed, I also think of how much better I could be. I can't say I will be able to try harder. But I will at least move forward from here if I can.
F-F is always on my mind. Maybe that is why through all the car trouble and everything, all I could think about was her and my friends. I wasn't sad all day.
Stay Beautiful
Muscle Cold
Friday?
Where did Thursday go? I know Thursday was amazing. It was everything I should have failed at.
And today... eh... It was okay.
I did over 2,000 push-ups today. (broken over two 2 intervals, one 2 hour with 1250 and one 1 hour with 750: reps were broken into 50 push-ups) Really? Whatever... I sound like I'm making it up. I don't know if I would believe it. Especially if I heard myself ramble (I made a practice Vlog- may be a future kind of thing coming up- on the experience) on how on push-up 1,100 I could barely move. And how 1,145 felt impossible. And how 1,250 wasn't done, how I collapsed on that one. Then I got up and did two. I had to make up for failing.
I used to have something called abs. I can't see them. Personally I feel like I lost them. I gained way too much 'bulk' from the intense work I've been doing. I know it is not necessary, and there will be something done about this. I will do something about this.
You see, I can't plan. But I can tell myself what needs to be done. If I keep my goal real, I will find the time for it. I just have to want it. And every time I take my shirt off I want it back. I want to feel beautiful... not bulky. I don't know what happened, because I'm the same size, but when I look at myself I feel so wide. Its gross. Its those lines that disappeared... they made me feel like I was wearing a vertical stripe pattern and that felt thinner. I need it back.
And the push-ups make me feel so weird. My posture is... wacky. It forces me to slouch, and then when the soreness leaves (all the sudden it leaves... but I know if I tried to do work it would be sore) I feel like I can't tell when I'm straight.
And posture is something I pride myself in.
Hm... this brings me to one thing that I would ask of F-F. Pull your hips back. If there is one thing that I want from you is perfect posture. She has a great body, a pretty face, all the things that satisfy the shallow base I am. She has a shy demeanor, and an artist's mind; her kind soul shows love for me when it is undecided on whether it does love me or not. That suits my romantic taste. Posture. Needs posture.
And
Pride. One thing I couldn't stand is her saying "I am his girlfriend." No, you are not.
He is your boyfriend. Always say: "He is my boyfriend."
Not even "My boyfriend is him": unless you say "I have a boyfriend: and it is him" Own him.
I don't want you to be trapped into the mentality of being his. Because... you don't even know what happens in all my dreams.
For all you people that think I'm just pointlessly rambling... Do you ever have that moment where you compare someone to the person you love? When you compare them, do you ever think about where you would start when you are going to carve them alive?
I'm allowed on the streets.
Because... I have control over everything.
I'm sometimes afraid that only Anorexics, or drug addicts would understand. But yes. 2,000. Today.
And tomorrow?
No Plans.
This is Friday. The 13th of November. I did 2,000 push-ups. I ate a breakfast, a salad, and a pizza (not a whole fool pizza). I can live on less. I have more important things to focus on I hope.
Stay Beautiful
Where did Thursday go? I know Thursday was amazing. It was everything I should have failed at.
And today... eh... It was okay.
I did over 2,000 push-ups today. (broken over two 2 intervals, one 2 hour with 1250 and one 1 hour with 750: reps were broken into 50 push-ups) Really? Whatever... I sound like I'm making it up. I don't know if I would believe it. Especially if I heard myself ramble (I made a practice Vlog- may be a future kind of thing coming up- on the experience) on how on push-up 1,100 I could barely move. And how 1,145 felt impossible. And how 1,250 wasn't done, how I collapsed on that one. Then I got up and did two. I had to make up for failing.
I used to have something called abs. I can't see them. Personally I feel like I lost them. I gained way too much 'bulk' from the intense work I've been doing. I know it is not necessary, and there will be something done about this. I will do something about this.
You see, I can't plan. But I can tell myself what needs to be done. If I keep my goal real, I will find the time for it. I just have to want it. And every time I take my shirt off I want it back. I want to feel beautiful... not bulky. I don't know what happened, because I'm the same size, but when I look at myself I feel so wide. Its gross. Its those lines that disappeared... they made me feel like I was wearing a vertical stripe pattern and that felt thinner. I need it back.
And the push-ups make me feel so weird. My posture is... wacky. It forces me to slouch, and then when the soreness leaves (all the sudden it leaves... but I know if I tried to do work it would be sore) I feel like I can't tell when I'm straight.
And posture is something I pride myself in.
Hm... this brings me to one thing that I would ask of F-F. Pull your hips back. If there is one thing that I want from you is perfect posture. She has a great body, a pretty face, all the things that satisfy the shallow base I am. She has a shy demeanor, and an artist's mind; her kind soul shows love for me when it is undecided on whether it does love me or not. That suits my romantic taste. Posture. Needs posture.
And
Pride. One thing I couldn't stand is her saying "I am his girlfriend." No, you are not.
He is your boyfriend. Always say: "He is my boyfriend."
Not even "My boyfriend is him": unless you say "I have a boyfriend: and it is him" Own him.
I don't want you to be trapped into the mentality of being his. Because... you don't even know what happens in all my dreams.
For all you people that think I'm just pointlessly rambling... Do you ever have that moment where you compare someone to the person you love? When you compare them, do you ever think about where you would start when you are going to carve them alive?
I'm allowed on the streets.
Because... I have control over everything.
I'm sometimes afraid that only Anorexics, or drug addicts would understand. But yes. 2,000. Today.
And tomorrow?
No Plans.
This is Friday. The 13th of November. I did 2,000 push-ups. I ate a breakfast, a salad, and a pizza (not a whole fool pizza). I can live on less. I have more important things to focus on I hope.
Stay Beautiful
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
M T
Guess what day it is... Wednesday.
I signed-up for classes.
How did the fast go?
...
Nope. I ate.
I ate cereal, stew, and an apple. I feel so overfull. So that is all I shall eat today.
Tomorrow I have got school. But more important, I get to have the chance to see F-F. My mind is split between finishing up a paper and buying a flower for F-F. I know the paper is more important... I do.
Or is it?
She wouldn't hate me if I didn't get her a flower, she probably wouldn't hate me if I didn't show up (would think very low of me yes). I still think she is important. So important...
I love the little bit of hunger I have been letting myself feel lately. I have just enough hunger to put me in a bad mood; except I know I can snap, and so I don't. I have an angry brain. I think so fast. And the thoughts are clear. My words are sharper. I want to be thinner.
This is the path.
I shall be doing the intense push-ups again on the weekend if I can.
I'm going somewhere all day on Sunday for a volunteer event. I will not do the push-ups then because of that.
The reason I can only do about 300-800 push-ups on these days is because I have no video games to make it easy. When I base my workout around my gaming, I get in an inhuman amount of work. On my own... I don't do as well.
I signed up for classes. I put up for 16 units this next semester, or 5 classes worth.
The current grades I have scare me. I have 2 A's for sure, a for sure F that I think I have a slight chance to make up, and a mystery grade. I have no clue what will become of that grade.
Still, in my mind I picture a white rose.
That is the flower I wish to give to F-F tomorrow.
Shall I find it?
What else shall I do that day? I will not eat that much.
I hope... she likes my body.
Stay Beautiful
I signed-up for classes.
How did the fast go?
...
Nope. I ate.
I ate cereal, stew, and an apple. I feel so overfull. So that is all I shall eat today.
Tomorrow I have got school. But more important, I get to have the chance to see F-F. My mind is split between finishing up a paper and buying a flower for F-F. I know the paper is more important... I do.
Or is it?
She wouldn't hate me if I didn't get her a flower, she probably wouldn't hate me if I didn't show up (would think very low of me yes). I still think she is important. So important...
I love the little bit of hunger I have been letting myself feel lately. I have just enough hunger to put me in a bad mood; except I know I can snap, and so I don't. I have an angry brain. I think so fast. And the thoughts are clear. My words are sharper. I want to be thinner.
This is the path.
I shall be doing the intense push-ups again on the weekend if I can.
I'm going somewhere all day on Sunday for a volunteer event. I will not do the push-ups then because of that.
The reason I can only do about 300-800 push-ups on these days is because I have no video games to make it easy. When I base my workout around my gaming, I get in an inhuman amount of work. On my own... I don't do as well.
I signed up for classes. I put up for 16 units this next semester, or 5 classes worth.
The current grades I have scare me. I have 2 A's for sure, a for sure F that I think I have a slight chance to make up, and a mystery grade. I have no clue what will become of that grade.
Still, in my mind I picture a white rose.
That is the flower I wish to give to F-F tomorrow.
Shall I find it?
What else shall I do that day? I will not eat that much.
I hope... she likes my body.
Stay Beautiful
Monday, November 9, 2009
Limitless
I hate plans.
They don't like me.
I did lots of push-ups, but that feels like a long time ago. Today I only did 300. And I'm in need of sleep. And I got scammed/ Cause I'm an idiott/.
I want to fast on Wednesday.
But that would be a plan.
I'm no good at those.
I also hate my body. For the reason that other people love it. I don't want any No Strings Attached junk. I need the strings. The complications. I like being flawed. But not in my body. My body needs to be perfect.
I want to fast, so that I don't have the ability to think as fast the next day. I want to be out of my mind.
Stay Beautiful
They don't like me.
I did lots of push-ups, but that feels like a long time ago. Today I only did 300. And I'm in need of sleep. And I got scammed/ Cause I'm an idiott/.
I want to fast on Wednesday.
But that would be a plan.
I'm no good at those.
I also hate my body. For the reason that other people love it. I don't want any No Strings Attached junk. I need the strings. The complications. I like being flawed. But not in my body. My body needs to be perfect.
I want to fast, so that I don't have the ability to think as fast the next day. I want to be out of my mind.
Stay Beautiful
Friday, November 6, 2009
Acheived
I did 1000 Push-ups.
I'm wondering why I am so weak right now. I tried doing one-armed push-ups just a few seconds ago. They were impossibly hard, I was shaking, I failed once even. And when i did the normal push-ups, when i hit 950 (that was around the 18th set cause I did 2 sets of 60 and one of 80) I felt like I couldn't do it. Actually, I couldn't I did 32, and then 18. And then I finished it off with 50.
I do not feel sore.
I just can't work anymore.
I get so tired of always having my mind on myself. I think of myself all day. I don't want to. Right now I tried to renew my book online for the library. Couldn't.
When i read my book I don't often think of me. I imagine the landscape, and the events unfolding. If I ever do place myself within the book it is to observe the textures within the world, or to imagine myself parallel to the main character. In Darknesses, Alcius (I didn't check my spelling, but I'm guessing it looks strange to me because of the font on here) seems such a flawless hero. He always wins. It is because of his natural ability called 'Talent'. But what I admire most about Alcius is his love for his wife. It was a love at first sight story, and although he had no prior experience with women, Alcius handled the relationship perfectly. Always a gentleman, always moving forward. Perfect in ways I wish I could be.
Of course, if Alcius were a real person, and I met him, and I saw that his body wasn't as perfect as he was... I would see it as a fault. I'm working; I'm getting there. But my body too, is weak. Like me.
I hate being weak. I hate thinking of myself. I know I'm trying to be strong. The question is; what for?
I can't give up.
I don't know... I'm hoping I will be able to do more push-ups today.
I like the idea of push-ups. Push-ups are like a form of punishment. And I feel I need to be punished. Especially after I eat. I am not getting thinner. I move around like I am. I look like I am. But the food I eat... it doesn't feel like I could be. Maybe I feel weak because most of what I have eaten is vegetables for the past week. I know I am above 1200 calories a day (considered minimal healthy) and I don't know how much I work off. I feel so tired. I don't know if I can do more.
But I need more
I can't stop here. Goals are made so you can reach them, and then from there you can be free to do whatever you want.
Stay Beautiful
I'm wondering why I am so weak right now. I tried doing one-armed push-ups just a few seconds ago. They were impossibly hard, I was shaking, I failed once even. And when i did the normal push-ups, when i hit 950 (that was around the 18th set cause I did 2 sets of 60 and one of 80) I felt like I couldn't do it. Actually, I couldn't I did 32, and then 18. And then I finished it off with 50.
I do not feel sore.
I just can't work anymore.
I get so tired of always having my mind on myself. I think of myself all day. I don't want to. Right now I tried to renew my book online for the library. Couldn't.
When i read my book I don't often think of me. I imagine the landscape, and the events unfolding. If I ever do place myself within the book it is to observe the textures within the world, or to imagine myself parallel to the main character. In Darknesses, Alcius (I didn't check my spelling, but I'm guessing it looks strange to me because of the font on here) seems such a flawless hero. He always wins. It is because of his natural ability called 'Talent'. But what I admire most about Alcius is his love for his wife. It was a love at first sight story, and although he had no prior experience with women, Alcius handled the relationship perfectly. Always a gentleman, always moving forward. Perfect in ways I wish I could be.
Of course, if Alcius were a real person, and I met him, and I saw that his body wasn't as perfect as he was... I would see it as a fault. I'm working; I'm getting there. But my body too, is weak. Like me.
I hate being weak. I hate thinking of myself. I know I'm trying to be strong. The question is; what for?
I can't give up.
I don't know... I'm hoping I will be able to do more push-ups today.
I like the idea of push-ups. Push-ups are like a form of punishment. And I feel I need to be punished. Especially after I eat. I am not getting thinner. I move around like I am. I look like I am. But the food I eat... it doesn't feel like I could be. Maybe I feel weak because most of what I have eaten is vegetables for the past week. I know I am above 1200 calories a day (considered minimal healthy) and I don't know how much I work off. I feel so tired. I don't know if I can do more.
But I need more
I can't stop here. Goals are made so you can reach them, and then from there you can be free to do whatever you want.
Stay Beautiful
Goal
I usually don't think of goals. Goals make me feel like homework.
Today my goal is 1000 push-ups. It is going to hurt.
Not 1000 in one sitting... I can only max at about 100 per rep at the time. I'm probably going to do the 1000 in sets of 50, because although it is relatively easy, it still hurts, I still have to push myself, and I have to do it 20 times at least today if I want to achieve my goal. I have work today, that might interfere, but I shouldn't let it. I can do this.
I just hate that its a goal.
Today my goal is 1000 push-ups. It is going to hurt.
Not 1000 in one sitting... I can only max at about 100 per rep at the time. I'm probably going to do the 1000 in sets of 50, because although it is relatively easy, it still hurts, I still have to push myself, and I have to do it 20 times at least today if I want to achieve my goal. I have work today, that might interfere, but I shouldn't let it. I can do this.
I just hate that its a goal.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Dream
Exercise... zip.
I did push-ups, but all day today... nothing.
Hopeless. I actually freak out when I think about it. Because I do feel hopeless.
eh... my shoulders hurt from the sheer number of push-ups I did today. And it wasn't enough. I did sets of 50, probably about 10 times total today? 500. One of the sets I did 80! Yay! 80 Push-ups in one sitting! And then I did some ab workout. I feel better about my stomach because of that cold or flu that I had. It saved my life... seriously might have killed myself if I let my stomach become a belly. I shudder to think...
oh... I had this dream... here is an except of obsession about it:
She was so thin. F-F wore a white dress, her body like an hourglass. The dress sparkled. Her eyes were always looking far away. I was coming, she wanted to see me. I swallowed her in a hug, her waist was so small. I pulled her under my shoulders. It would last forever. I wanted to wait; she knew I wouldn’t wait too long. People… somewhere. All I remember was F-F. Her white dress, her hourglass waist, her brown eyes looking away, her face framed by straight simple hair. Some kind of internal beauty. no feature, but on her face and it felt like it was connected to me. She was so free, and when I held her, I let her free again. I am not letting go… my facelessfantasy.
Stay Beautiful
I did push-ups, but all day today... nothing.
Hopeless. I actually freak out when I think about it. Because I do feel hopeless.
eh... my shoulders hurt from the sheer number of push-ups I did today. And it wasn't enough. I did sets of 50, probably about 10 times total today? 500. One of the sets I did 80! Yay! 80 Push-ups in one sitting! And then I did some ab workout. I feel better about my stomach because of that cold or flu that I had. It saved my life... seriously might have killed myself if I let my stomach become a belly. I shudder to think...
oh... I had this dream... here is an except of obsession about it:
She was so thin. F-F wore a white dress, her body like an hourglass. The dress sparkled. Her eyes were always looking far away. I was coming, she wanted to see me. I swallowed her in a hug, her waist was so small. I pulled her under my shoulders. It would last forever. I wanted to wait; she knew I wouldn’t wait too long. People… somewhere. All I remember was F-F. Her white dress, her hourglass waist, her brown eyes looking away, her face framed by straight simple hair. Some kind of internal beauty. no feature, but on her face and it felt like it was connected to me. She was so free, and when I held her, I let her free again. I am not letting go… my facelessfantasy.
Stay Beautiful
Sunday, November 1, 2009
"I'm afraid my crush will think I hate him because I'm afraid to be around him..." - F-F
I don't know. I really don't know.
Me,
I am afraid of the weight I lost... how I needed a cold or flu or whatever to lose. I'm afraid that although I ran today, and I have the assistance of Daylight Savings time to help me stay at my best, I will not lose any more. I'm afraid of the weakening I can feel every day I don't push myself harder and harder...
I'm afraid before every meal, after every meal. I'm planning constantly: thinking "what is the least I can survive with?" and "what is the most I can do with it?" I look in the mirror, and I'm afraid because I see myself so large. I want to be thinner, and yet people tell me all the time: too tall. Too skinny.
NO SUCH THING.
I want to be alone... so alone. I want a place in an icy house where I can cling to myself and become smaller. I just want to lay in a semi-awake state until the problem thaws. And I know... that if I was in this cold house, alone, in shades of black and white, I would still want someone else. Maybe just to keep warm. I want someone to bring me home. Because I really don't want to live in the ice forever...
scum.
I hope tonight I dream well. I want to be on a large seabearing vessel, with clear misty spray rising due to fair winds. A bright sky with minimal clouds, a mast full of wind, no land in sight, but a clear direction and goal. Yep... tonight I go sailing.
Oh... for those of you keeping track: I ate like a king.
Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat
Morning: large homemade wheat waffle, herb tea.
Lunch: Beef stroganoff (spelling... ew), yogurt, blueberries.
Snack: Wasabi covered Peas, artichoke dip, carrots
Dinner: Rib eye steak, green beans, potato
Dessert: Yogurt, Chai tea
I shouldn't eat dessert. I can't say I deserve such a thing. My gosh... I'm so frustrated with myself. I work tomorrow in the morning. I'm waking up at 5:00AM and pretending I just had a daylight savings error. With the extra time... I think I can put in a mile in freezing cold temps. Or SOMETHING.
Today activity: random push-ups... getting weaker, even my one-armed is not doing so well.
Volleyball for at least an hour, with a break to play tag with little kids
Run, 2 and a half miles.
Stay Beautiful...
I don't know. I really don't know.
Me,
I am afraid of the weight I lost... how I needed a cold or flu or whatever to lose. I'm afraid that although I ran today, and I have the assistance of Daylight Savings time to help me stay at my best, I will not lose any more. I'm afraid of the weakening I can feel every day I don't push myself harder and harder...
I'm afraid before every meal, after every meal. I'm planning constantly: thinking "what is the least I can survive with?" and "what is the most I can do with it?" I look in the mirror, and I'm afraid because I see myself so large. I want to be thinner, and yet people tell me all the time: too tall. Too skinny.
NO SUCH THING.
I want to be alone... so alone. I want a place in an icy house where I can cling to myself and become smaller. I just want to lay in a semi-awake state until the problem thaws. And I know... that if I was in this cold house, alone, in shades of black and white, I would still want someone else. Maybe just to keep warm. I want someone to bring me home. Because I really don't want to live in the ice forever...
scum.
I hope tonight I dream well. I want to be on a large seabearing vessel, with clear misty spray rising due to fair winds. A bright sky with minimal clouds, a mast full of wind, no land in sight, but a clear direction and goal. Yep... tonight I go sailing.
Oh... for those of you keeping track: I ate like a king.
Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat
Morning: large homemade wheat waffle, herb tea.
Lunch: Beef stroganoff (spelling... ew), yogurt, blueberries.
Snack: Wasabi covered Peas, artichoke dip, carrots
Dinner: Rib eye steak, green beans, potato
Dessert: Yogurt, Chai tea
I shouldn't eat dessert. I can't say I deserve such a thing. My gosh... I'm so frustrated with myself. I work tomorrow in the morning. I'm waking up at 5:00AM and pretending I just had a daylight savings error. With the extra time... I think I can put in a mile in freezing cold temps. Or SOMETHING.
Today activity: random push-ups... getting weaker, even my one-armed is not doing so well.
Volleyball for at least an hour, with a break to play tag with little kids
Run, 2 and a half miles.
Stay Beautiful...
Halloween
I'm not sure how anyone else did... and I am kinda going against myself when I say this: but I partied really big for Halloween this year.
Had the house all to myself, 4 friends came, and we just had a great time. Last minute I came up with this amazing idea for a costume. I was an old man for Halloween. I put out a lawn chair and would wait for kids so I could yell at them to get off my lawn. I'd call them whippersnappers and tell them to scoot there keester out of here. Fun times. I swept the sidewalk waiting for kids, and people across the street would laugh at me. My costume looked really funny, my acting was spectacular. My throat could have done better because my old man voice hurt after a while.
But then the tricker-treaters died down. The guys played video games while I cooked! I got a few games in of Brawl, I'd sneak in a game when something was finishing cooking. All night I didn't burn (or accidentally melt something) anything, and I made something like 6 dishes in 2 and a half hours. Had both ovens running at different temperatures all night, and I made homemade ice cream. I managed to get away with a smaller slice of cake than everyone else, but eh... I suck because I ate a lot of ice cream. Thankfully my throat felt a little better, but I know hot tea works way better than ice cream. Even hot salt water works better than ice cream for a sore throat.
Woke up this morning with my throat burning. So... I tried something weird. The pain seemed localized and only happened when i swallowed. Felt like the entrance part, the part where if I wanted to throw up I'd just poke, was the only thing hurting. Hurts enough to wake me up, so I though I might as well try what I had in mind.
I took my toothbrush and brushed my throat. Seriously gag reflexed about a dozen times. But every time I held back (didn't have anything to throw up anyway). Now... it doesn't hurt, although I do feel a little pain every once and a while when I swallow still. But it did a lot for me, because now it doesn't feel like every swallow has a load full of snot in it. I feel like all the drainage junk my throat was dealing with just halted, and that took away most, if not all the burn.
So if your throat hurts, just put some toothpaste on your toothbrush, stick it down your throat, and get scratching. eh... but you didn't hear it from me.
No candy.
Yes. I had no candy, will have no candy (in fact, only 5 pieces of candy survived the night).
At least I am capable of not eating candy.
Dinner was a thin piece of fish, and pretty much 3/4ths of a squash.
eh... I'm sick. (but I feel fine!)
Stay beautiful
Had the house all to myself, 4 friends came, and we just had a great time. Last minute I came up with this amazing idea for a costume. I was an old man for Halloween. I put out a lawn chair and would wait for kids so I could yell at them to get off my lawn. I'd call them whippersnappers and tell them to scoot there keester out of here. Fun times. I swept the sidewalk waiting for kids, and people across the street would laugh at me. My costume looked really funny, my acting was spectacular. My throat could have done better because my old man voice hurt after a while.
But then the tricker-treaters died down. The guys played video games while I cooked! I got a few games in of Brawl, I'd sneak in a game when something was finishing cooking. All night I didn't burn (or accidentally melt something) anything, and I made something like 6 dishes in 2 and a half hours. Had both ovens running at different temperatures all night, and I made homemade ice cream. I managed to get away with a smaller slice of cake than everyone else, but eh... I suck because I ate a lot of ice cream. Thankfully my throat felt a little better, but I know hot tea works way better than ice cream. Even hot salt water works better than ice cream for a sore throat.
Woke up this morning with my throat burning. So... I tried something weird. The pain seemed localized and only happened when i swallowed. Felt like the entrance part, the part where if I wanted to throw up I'd just poke, was the only thing hurting. Hurts enough to wake me up, so I though I might as well try what I had in mind.
I took my toothbrush and brushed my throat. Seriously gag reflexed about a dozen times. But every time I held back (didn't have anything to throw up anyway). Now... it doesn't hurt, although I do feel a little pain every once and a while when I swallow still. But it did a lot for me, because now it doesn't feel like every swallow has a load full of snot in it. I feel like all the drainage junk my throat was dealing with just halted, and that took away most, if not all the burn.
So if your throat hurts, just put some toothpaste on your toothbrush, stick it down your throat, and get scratching. eh... but you didn't hear it from me.
No candy.
Yes. I had no candy, will have no candy (in fact, only 5 pieces of candy survived the night).
At least I am capable of not eating candy.
Dinner was a thin piece of fish, and pretty much 3/4ths of a squash.
eh... I'm sick. (but I feel fine!)
Stay beautiful
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