The things I don't mention

She said to me "I don't think I have wanted anything in my life as much as I want you right now" and I didn't want anything to do with sex.
Woah... where did this come from?  Someone actually wants the body of a male with my body and mind?  Someone actually got close enough to say that and mean it?  Crap.
Its a friend.  Dammit.  I do these things to friends.


It happened Sunday night.  I was hungry for company so i asked if we could hang out after her work.  she works at the mall and worked until almost closing, we went shopping and it felt good to be in company.  Then I walked her to the car and we hugged for so long that security scouting by was the only thing to stop us.  I was cold.  I needed the hug for a long time.  Then I made a mistake.

Do you know any secluded parking lots?

We both wanted to hang out more, but I didn't think about where it could lead.  I knew a good place.  I wish I had some of the music I listened to... I could have turned that on and we could have cried to the lyrics or something instead of...

You know I've always wondered if something was different

She has a boyfriend so I assumed nothing could get too far.

You're legs aren't the only thing that's grown

But it did.

What do you want...  I'll give it to you

I sort of played with the details...  By this I mean I didn't push her to where we got.  I did help though...

My body is saying that I want more

I'm sorry, but I don't want to confess anymore.
Because I turned it around by saying no.  I said tonight is a definite no.  I know I left open some other time.  But things like that shouldn't happen twice.  I've been thinking about it a lot.  Dammit it might happen twice.  But its not worth the crying that I had to witness.  Don't want to hurt other people.  I just want what I want.

This is what I wanted:  I wanted a thinner girl.  And even then I didn't want the same things.  I just wanted to comb the thinner girl's hair and tell her she is beautiful.  I wanted to talk with the thinner girl about my books and sing softly the few songs I know to this girl.  I wanted to kiss the thinner girl on the top of the head, then the cheeks, then the lips.  I wanted it to go so slow we weren't going anywhere, and then I would break the moment by inviting her outside.  There we would freeze to death under a bed of stars, cars whooshing by supplying the conversation we had exhausted in the car.  And while we laid there, the thinner girl would take the stage for her turn to talk.  She would tell me some dark secret that made it impossible for her to want me no matter how attractive I am.  My only reply would be to stroke her hair again and tell her that it was alright.  I would pick her up and plant a kiss on her, hoping it would grow into real love.  Then we would part our ways, she first, because I would need some time alone to hallucinate her back to my side after she leaves.

I'm still a virgin, but I don't consider it sacred after all the shit I've made people go through.



I think telling my mother I am vegetarian now helps a lot.  I can't have seconds anymore and I can't eat leftovers because meat is in every dish.  I sometimes skip half the entree and sometimes get an alternative half.  I do miss out on steaks and lamb, but taste never really mattered to me.


It rained today.  I took a walk to the used bookstore and back: my pokewalkers tell me I went around 7 miles.
I've had cereal, the last two homemade banana bread bars, legumes, and some strawberries.  I drank a whole bottle of water twice and 3 glasses of milk.  I did a few minutes of ab workout today.  I have been listening to class lectures on itunes.  I've done almost all the readings for my history class (no one else does them...).  I have a messy desk, but an acceptable room.  I slept on the floor for two days.  I might sleep on the floor tonight.


I'm also extremely sad.
I was seduced the best that any man could be seduced.  She asked me what I wanted more.  She pawed at me, she took all the initiative, she moaned when I touched her, she only encouraged me, almost begged, but never did because that turns me off, she asked if she could go further and when i didn't answer went slow and stopped, went slow and stopped.  She waited for the slightest consent.  She let me say no, and then worked again from zero to get where we were before.  It was torture in some mad measure and all I wanted was  the company of a traumatized victim.  I felt traumatized.  I didn't want to be where I was that night.
I laughed hysterically.  I imagined scenes of rape.  I spoke lyrics that didn't make sense and brought to life stories in my head.  I took the time while our hands ran over each other to daydream about my books.  She knew what was going on and begged me to 'stay here' but something kept driving me out of reality.  I would sometimes look at what I was doing and burst into fits of laughter.  There was nothing funny about one person swallowed by passion and the other ... wherever I was.
I feel bad.  The things she said...  She felt humiliated there.  She would be even more embarrassed if I gave out enough details.  Audience...  please understand.


And when she said she wanted me more than anything, and I said no, there was a lot of hurt on her side.  Part of me couldn't help but thinking: now you know how it feels to be me.


Let me also mention I am one of those freaky vegetarians that eats fish.  Yes...  Sorry I forgot that.  So add to my food some fish, some broccoli, and a potatoe for the day.  Then I had yogurt for dinner, but was starving so...  I dealt with it.  Still hungry.  Gonna wake up hungry.  eh...  Its just because I'm big.

stay beautiful