How can I want that?

Having trouble waking up?
Yes
Is there anything I can do to help?
Almost...
*wrong answer*

I got up, determined to eat breakfast.  So I did.  It was that simple.  It feels like the ghosts that haunt me at night are always gone by morning.  But every morning is so slow.  I wake up twice, not fully aware until someone enters my room or my cat jumps on me or something. 
I'm wearing a sweatshirt and jeans.  I have school in a few hours.  My life is so easy.
If I had more classes I would be in trouble.  Extra work is no problem, but I've found this semester I don't have much anxiety.  I get people anxiety.  I don't want to talk to people, but I can't help but wish I had more friends.  So anyone that tempts me...  Drives me up the wall.  Because every chance I let slip by that I could have made a friend... is another reason why I hate myself.  And every time I notice someone thinner than me... I have to look at myself again.  What am I doing wrong?  I should be like that already!
I used to think I wasn't jealous.  I think I just hold back my feelings so well I used to deceive myself.


What is the rest of my life like right now?  Well, I have no school to speak of to focus on.  I get to play video games and card games with kids this Friday as part of a volunteer project.  I have nothing this Saturday.  I have a quiz (just an essay on a music composer) today, and another quiz tomorrow.  Easy stuff.
I want to take a walk.  I want to read a chapter of my biology textbook.  I want to read Lolita.  I want to buy a dry erase board.  I want to take a lot of pictures.  I want to learn more words.  Start a fantasy novel.  I want to figure out what I'm doing on Pokemon, but not spend all my time on it.  I want to read The Magic Engineer.  I want to provide shelter for a butterfly.  I want to give her freedom.  I want to die. 

How did that end up on the list?  How come I left out losing weight?
I'm so hungry... every day.  Even after I eat I'm hungry.  But I move on to something else...  I eat just to avoid being light headed.  Can't be satiated.  Maybe I can... 


My stomach might have a six pack.  But its so round.  I don't want it to be round.




stay beautiful