Should I?

I sort of want to get away from PT.  Its gross.
Gross that I look at pictures of girls.  That I visit the site just to see beautiful people, because I'm so afraid of the people I see outside.  I don't know what a social club is... or where one is... or where parties are.  I don't even think i want to meet people in the midst of alcohol.  So I use PT.
Gross that I'm looking at something I will never be.  My parents told me today that I could cook myself dinner, I grabbed a pear.  That will be all for that meal.  But... I eat so normal.  I'll never lose weight.  It is so hard to lose weight when you are this low...  6'2" and 140 something pounds or more accurately 70kgs or so.  I'm never going to be 100 lbs.  I'd die.

And... I feel lonelier on the nights where I find myself browsing the forums.  I feel like an idiot when i post.
All I want... it to see someone beautiful.  Everyday, have someone pretty to look at for a long time.  I'm very selfish.

Also...
I want to model.  Sort of.  I know what my body looks like and I want to display it, maybe it will motivate me to lose weight.  Who knows...  I need a photographer.
Who is willing?

stay beautiful

You must hate

I don't really leave things behind. Not permanently.
I enjoy peeking and prodding at them after a while. It makes me sad. I'm too tired to care.
About anything.
It's not personal. And I care about you, for whatever that's worth. Or whatever that means. All my mind goes to, whatever, whatever, whatever

I don't care about food anymore and I'm smaller as a direct result. But I didn't fight for it. I wonder if that's why I don't feel it.
I can be so tired and then move so much more
I wish I could trade, your dreams for mine. I can't tell reality from dreams most of the time. And my dreams terrify me these days.

Don't you hate it when someone is being so selfless that they are being selfish.  You kinda want to say to them "How dare you take away what you never really gave me!"
Part of this is because you are selfish yourself, the other... you don't want to see them disappear into a corner.
One of my readers thinks this is an attractive idea.

At least one.


Don't you hate it when you want to be nice, but you know you are powerless either way?
When you are trying to do something, but nothing comes out of it?
When you are studying and you can't find a single answer?



Have you ever looked in a mirror and been so scared someone was on the other side you didn't stop to notice that person was you?
Even so... Why do I need to remind myself of what I am...


Broken objects
Cat get off my lap...
I have school.


stay beautiful

I hate humans

Except Naz.
YOU'RE FUCKING AWESOME 24/7.  Much love you loser.


But all the people...
I don't understand how they can possibly be so LARGE.  How they can be so... HAPPY.  How they can be so... DRUNK.  Go ahead and tell me I'm a bigot.  I just don't understand what there is in SEX that is worth anything.  I don't care about it.
I'd like to show you I don't care about it...  For now you won't believe me...
I know.
I'm human.  Right now I hate myself.
Haven't you read?  About how terrible I feel after I indulge sexually?  Because... its not worth anything to be pleased.  NO.
Nothing.

I'm closed minded right now.  I'm also blank in the brain.
Shooting empty shots.





I look at my body and I see veins.  Veins I don't see on many other people... Veins that bulge where there used to only be skin.  I see lines from bones and muscles that I can read like a chart.  I see sallowed cheeks and the me on the inside begs for this to continue.  If the trend continues I will become what I really am.  I'll become beautiful for a split moment of life...  
But then reason kicks in and says that I might die.
And it would be worth every lost ounce...


stay beautiful  

Do not want to post

Freaking 3rd time.

I don't know... I feel like I am just ruining all the respect points I'm getting.  I told my friends last night that I was hanging with them instead of getting head- I mean that is about as intimate as "bros before hoes" gets right?  So...  I have fun with the guys.

Then tonight.
Well.
Got head.


Fuck you.
I hate you.  You and your lazy fucking heart.  You and your lightweight head.  You can't take a few hours without food and you can't do 1000 push-ups anymore.  You get weaker every day without me.  You live without me.
I promise you death.  Beautiful death that makes life all the more fucking precious.  You can get all the head you want when YOU'VE STARVED YOURSELF ENOUGH TO ENJOY IT.
You need to be perfect before you let another woman touch you.
PERFECT.

...........
That was me.  Talking to myself.
Everyone talks a little to themselves...


I wanna
but I don't.


My primary objectives are in the course.  I'm not perfect.  I don't deserve to be spoiled by her.  She has a boyfriend (and its not me).  So.............. 
I don't understand.
I'm not worth losing a relationship over.
Its hard enough for me to think I'm worth losing my own weight for.  ahhhhhh.
Hate
hate
hate hate hate life.
But I'll love it tomorrow...



Gonna wake up soon.
Its 2:40am almost.  I wanna wake up at 6:00am tomorrow.  I KNOW I want to do that.
Don't object to that.  There is enough to object to with me.
Fucking going crazy hating myself.



stay beautiful

My first kiss was your dad

It wasn't, but I was thinking that would be a funny short for me to write one day.  And possibly live (as the dad).  That sentence is the boyfriend telling the girlfriend it.  And she has this look on her face like UUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH.
 
ya.
But I'm gonna care that much. 
 
Sometimes a dad says "I'm gonna answer the door with a gun" when their girl starts to date.  Some pull the boy aside and say "whatever you do to her I will do to you twice as long"  Those are intimidating.  I wanna teach the unfortunate kid how to love her, so that she never accepts a standard less.  Her first will be the most perfect guy he can be, and if it doens't work out, then she will know what she deserves.  At least she will have that.
 
 
 
I'm unattainable.
You cannot get close to me.
Not possible.
I wish I was.  Because I try to get close to people.  But it never works.
If I saw you, it would only be worse.
Know how dogs sometimes have short attention spans?  Well... I'm sorta like that.  Just shorter.  On a taller person.
I'm trying to be a machine. -abstract idea-
 
 
Day:  Rain, cheerios, rain, school, rain, apple, drink lots of water, have to pee, rain, drive home, answer phone, eat toaststed PB&J, play video games for an hour, drive for work, more rain, work, its cold here because of the rain...  I'm gonna go home in the rain I guess.  I don't know.
Today...  is not the best.  But I don't need it to be.
 
 
 
stay beautiful
 
stay beautiful

Whiz

Your legs were starting to look alright and now you're eating all of that?
um...  I didn't know it would be so bad.  It hasn't changed me yet.
But I wonder what will change...
I'm having serious problems with eating fish.  It doesn't feel right.  I might just have to stop...  April 1st a good day to end it?  Yeah...  I love irony.

I should say I have serious problems eating
But I don't
I have problems thinking
Singing... The voice in my head sings.
Freak.


Hi.
I'm Goldfish



You can't help but love me.  And my half monkey half pony half monster gift.
Maybe you don't like monsters.
Maybe I used too many monkeys...



lol



stay beautiful 

Every time

It seems every time I get hungry enough not to care I can't bring myself to eat.
And when I force myself through the motions something stupid happens.

So I burned the roof of my mouth.  Now what?
Its sad, how a guy like me who never really did anything that traumatizing to his digestive system finds breaking the habit to be hard.  It isn't even hard for me.  Imagine if I actually threw up instead of just accidentally having food randomly try to come out my mouth after I've 'eaten too much'.  I eat regular.  I go on walks.  Compared to what I used to do I don't even exercise.  I find it difficult to motivate myself to do anything.  Waking up feels like crap.  Every day is the same.


So why does it matter?
Because.  I've done something good.
Not telling you.  Not yet.  Not until I've actually done it.
I hate planning for crap, but I live in a bureaucratic nation; can't do anything without approval first.  I turned in an initiative almost a month ago for a program at the library that requires ZERO staff and ZERO funding and is something the library should endorse.  It will be approved THURSDAY this week.  See what I have to deal with?  I've been bugging them about it.  I wonder what would have happened if I just turned it in.  And there was no errors in my first draft; they admitted it was quite genius
So this other project (unless you are a flyingfish I haven't told you) I'm going to have to wait and see.  I'm going to hate myself for all the good things I'll be doing with it.


Suspense?  No.
Btw.
The word NO means too much.  Someone needs to cut it in half.
That word...




How the fuck do you cure someone that is lazy?
How the fuck do you cure someone of bulimia?
How the fuck do you cure someone that doesn't think they are sick, doesn't want to be sick, doesn't want to be cured, and wants instead to live some blindsided race for a one-day lifetime?
Maybe the last one made no sense...


How do you take art away from the artist?
How do you take the artist from the art?


I bought a book I already owned.  Once on accident, once because I couldn't find my other copy.  I also have a book... that I really want to read.  It is titled Twilight.
Wonder what you think of that.


stay beautiful

A Chantar

Clothes don't fit.
Feel colder and colder every day.
Pants falling down.  Why did you forget your belt today?
I'm paranoid people around me will notice.  I think they see me as fat.  More.  I think they hate me.

I'm so cold.  Even my warmest clothes can't protect me from the wind. 
It doesn't bite...
Harsh wind bites.  No... its just cold out.  The wind feels like the hands of a lover.  Like some siren of chill is trying to embrace me underneath my clothing and be absorbed into my skin.  And I try to huddle myself closer to protect myself.  But in the outside world it is impossible to avoid her molestation.  I walk at a scurry hoping to survive long enough to open the doors...  and shut her out.


Btw... sorry Naz.  You rock at math.

stay beautiful

How can I want that?

Having trouble waking up?
Yes
Is there anything I can do to help?
Almost...
*wrong answer*

I got up, determined to eat breakfast.  So I did.  It was that simple.  It feels like the ghosts that haunt me at night are always gone by morning.  But every morning is so slow.  I wake up twice, not fully aware until someone enters my room or my cat jumps on me or something. 
I'm wearing a sweatshirt and jeans.  I have school in a few hours.  My life is so easy.
If I had more classes I would be in trouble.  Extra work is no problem, but I've found this semester I don't have much anxiety.  I get people anxiety.  I don't want to talk to people, but I can't help but wish I had more friends.  So anyone that tempts me...  Drives me up the wall.  Because every chance I let slip by that I could have made a friend... is another reason why I hate myself.  And every time I notice someone thinner than me... I have to look at myself again.  What am I doing wrong?  I should be like that already!
I used to think I wasn't jealous.  I think I just hold back my feelings so well I used to deceive myself.


What is the rest of my life like right now?  Well, I have no school to speak of to focus on.  I get to play video games and card games with kids this Friday as part of a volunteer project.  I have nothing this Saturday.  I have a quiz (just an essay on a music composer) today, and another quiz tomorrow.  Easy stuff.
I want to take a walk.  I want to read a chapter of my biology textbook.  I want to read Lolita.  I want to buy a dry erase board.  I want to take a lot of pictures.  I want to learn more words.  Start a fantasy novel.  I want to figure out what I'm doing on Pokemon, but not spend all my time on it.  I want to read The Magic Engineer.  I want to provide shelter for a butterfly.  I want to give her freedom.  I want to die. 

How did that end up on the list?  How come I left out losing weight?
I'm so hungry... every day.  Even after I eat I'm hungry.  But I move on to something else...  I eat just to avoid being light headed.  Can't be satiated.  Maybe I can... 


My stomach might have a six pack.  But its so round.  I don't want it to be round.




stay beautiful

Looking for something

Can't do 2 blogs... too much work...
Haha.  I can't do anything... Too much work.
Can't even think... Too much work
Eating doesn't seem to be too much work.
Haha I say this...  And I'm losing weight.  I know it.  I know it  I know it.



Flying kites.
Razor blades bending backwards.
Blood masticated by flesh

3 lines is all I got.
Thanks


stay beautiful

Forget Remembering

I took a run in the rain tonight.  My pokewalker says I went about 4 miles.  Got wet!
I RAN the first mile.  Eh... felt sick.
Also went really ghetto.  I took off my shirt but kept my hooded sweatshirt on (which I sometimes only wear on my sleeves and let fall behind me) because I was hot, but it was raining and I didn't have pockets big enough...

Ehh...  Its dark outside.  No one can see me.

I needed something.  Otherwise I will get fat.
I almost threw up too.  Fun huh?
Not quite.  Just kept moving the feets and it went aways.

Okays


ALSO****** NOTE******* I HAVE A TUMBLR.  Its ForgetRemembering.Tumblr.com and I will be putting more on it laterz.  And referring to it when I wantz.  Just so ya know.

stay beautiful

I don't like myself

I don't feel good.
By that... I don't mean sick
I never get sick.  Haven't been sick in years.
No.
I feel no good.  like I am not good.
Tumblr will start to become more active.  I need to get stuff done...


stay beautiful

The things I don't mention

She said to me "I don't think I have wanted anything in my life as much as I want you right now" and I didn't want anything to do with sex.
Woah... where did this come from?  Someone actually wants the body of a male with my body and mind?  Someone actually got close enough to say that and mean it?  Crap.
Its a friend.  Dammit.  I do these things to friends.


It happened Sunday night.  I was hungry for company so i asked if we could hang out after her work.  she works at the mall and worked until almost closing, we went shopping and it felt good to be in company.  Then I walked her to the car and we hugged for so long that security scouting by was the only thing to stop us.  I was cold.  I needed the hug for a long time.  Then I made a mistake.

Do you know any secluded parking lots?

We both wanted to hang out more, but I didn't think about where it could lead.  I knew a good place.  I wish I had some of the music I listened to... I could have turned that on and we could have cried to the lyrics or something instead of...

You know I've always wondered if something was different

She has a boyfriend so I assumed nothing could get too far.

You're legs aren't the only thing that's grown

But it did.

What do you want...  I'll give it to you

I sort of played with the details...  By this I mean I didn't push her to where we got.  I did help though...

My body is saying that I want more

I'm sorry, but I don't want to confess anymore.
Because I turned it around by saying no.  I said tonight is a definite no.  I know I left open some other time.  But things like that shouldn't happen twice.  I've been thinking about it a lot.  Dammit it might happen twice.  But its not worth the crying that I had to witness.  Don't want to hurt other people.  I just want what I want.

This is what I wanted:  I wanted a thinner girl.  And even then I didn't want the same things.  I just wanted to comb the thinner girl's hair and tell her she is beautiful.  I wanted to talk with the thinner girl about my books and sing softly the few songs I know to this girl.  I wanted to kiss the thinner girl on the top of the head, then the cheeks, then the lips.  I wanted it to go so slow we weren't going anywhere, and then I would break the moment by inviting her outside.  There we would freeze to death under a bed of stars, cars whooshing by supplying the conversation we had exhausted in the car.  And while we laid there, the thinner girl would take the stage for her turn to talk.  She would tell me some dark secret that made it impossible for her to want me no matter how attractive I am.  My only reply would be to stroke her hair again and tell her that it was alright.  I would pick her up and plant a kiss on her, hoping it would grow into real love.  Then we would part our ways, she first, because I would need some time alone to hallucinate her back to my side after she leaves.

I'm still a virgin, but I don't consider it sacred after all the shit I've made people go through.



I think telling my mother I am vegetarian now helps a lot.  I can't have seconds anymore and I can't eat leftovers because meat is in every dish.  I sometimes skip half the entree and sometimes get an alternative half.  I do miss out on steaks and lamb, but taste never really mattered to me.


It rained today.  I took a walk to the used bookstore and back: my pokewalkers tell me I went around 7 miles.
I've had cereal, the last two homemade banana bread bars, legumes, and some strawberries.  I drank a whole bottle of water twice and 3 glasses of milk.  I did a few minutes of ab workout today.  I have been listening to class lectures on itunes.  I've done almost all the readings for my history class (no one else does them...).  I have a messy desk, but an acceptable room.  I slept on the floor for two days.  I might sleep on the floor tonight.


I'm also extremely sad.
I was seduced the best that any man could be seduced.  She asked me what I wanted more.  She pawed at me, she took all the initiative, she moaned when I touched her, she only encouraged me, almost begged, but never did because that turns me off, she asked if she could go further and when i didn't answer went slow and stopped, went slow and stopped.  She waited for the slightest consent.  She let me say no, and then worked again from zero to get where we were before.  It was torture in some mad measure and all I wanted was  the company of a traumatized victim.  I felt traumatized.  I didn't want to be where I was that night.
I laughed hysterically.  I imagined scenes of rape.  I spoke lyrics that didn't make sense and brought to life stories in my head.  I took the time while our hands ran over each other to daydream about my books.  She knew what was going on and begged me to 'stay here' but something kept driving me out of reality.  I would sometimes look at what I was doing and burst into fits of laughter.  There was nothing funny about one person swallowed by passion and the other ... wherever I was.
I feel bad.  The things she said...  She felt humiliated there.  She would be even more embarrassed if I gave out enough details.  Audience...  please understand.


And when she said she wanted me more than anything, and I said no, there was a lot of hurt on her side.  Part of me couldn't help but thinking: now you know how it feels to be me.


Let me also mention I am one of those freaky vegetarians that eats fish.  Yes...  Sorry I forgot that.  So add to my food some fish, some broccoli, and a potatoe for the day.  Then I had yogurt for dinner, but was starving so...  I dealt with it.  Still hungry.  Gonna wake up hungry.  eh...  Its just because I'm big.

stay beautiful

Thank you but I need to lose weight

I saw someone I have wanted to speak to for 3 years now.  It is not often we see each other, and every time I fail to take the chance I have tears streaming down my eyes.

I have more important...
Actually I can't think of anything more important than what she gives me.  She is a muse.  See this: http://callmelucky.deviantart.com/#/d3bdj2v
She makes me genius.  She makes me sad.  She would never be able to stand me because we are opposites and we couldn't even talk to each other because we have nothing to talk about.
But I would pay money for this inspiration...

Maybe if I lost weight I would look sick enough for someone to care.  I have to try.  I have to try.  I have to just do it.
I'm vegetarian.  Yes.
Now all I have to do is not snack.  I'll lose weight just by not snacking.  I'll get a little light headed.  Its okay.  I'll have a lot more caffeine.  Always in the middle of the day.  I can do it. 


And for the comments.  Thank you.
I'm sorry, usually I am a perfectly reasonable person, but I will assume I'm horrible.  Because proving it wrong is difficult.  Perspective plays too much of a role.  I think of proving someone that they are worth something a lot like proving God does exist.  You have to find them when they want to believe.  If you find them when they need it... but they don't want it, then you can do nothing.  I don't need to believe I am worth anything, but I don't want to believe it either.
Look at it like this:
I can only go up.

Stay beautiful

A camera and two mirrors

This picture is so ugly.  But the concept is cool.  I wish...  I wish I could have held the camera steady, or was talented enough to make my room look more like a studio than it is...  You can see the world map in the background.  And most of all... I wish I wasn't so abhorrent.

Photographs just remind me that I'm not good enough.  They quantify these things.

Stay beautiful

In need

The young man sat parked on the trail, peering down at the cane for a while.  Its user had already vanished down the path.  Neither he or the older man needed the cane, but he was tempted to pick it up to return it.  Or maybe he could use it himself...
The design was a long black cobra, each delicate scale etched into the wood as deep as ink on paper, he could feel just by looking how smooth the craftsmanship was.  The cane called to him, and because of that he feared it.
His hands knotted into themselves refusing to reach for the cane.  With measured caution he reached out his foot and kicked it away.  It coiled in its brief flight and clattered on the hard ground, nothing more than a walking stick still.  He began to turn away, but his eyes remained rooted to the staff.
Slowly... the staff picked itself up and walked its way to him, pulling his hands apart and fastening his fingers around the cobra's neck.  
Young Goodman Brown held his breath, wide eyed, stricken with absolute fear at what he had done.  But the staff knew that this was only the beginning of a walk down his destined road.




stay beautiful