My Complaining Rights

I wonder if I have a right to say how I feel, because for some reason right now I think I can sum up enough shit to build a pretty good sketch of what its like to be me right now.

My feet hurt. Every step there is some part of my foot with a callus, blister, funny pressure thing going on... Yeah, and I've been running miles and miles, getting nowhere.
My mind feels washed out. I'm so tired from all the work that I feel like I've been crying all day, but my feet remind me that I've actually been moving around.
Then my body... feels fine. This is strange. I put my body through a lot, I lug around 30 extra pounds of tuba that my arms have to control, my shoulder has to carry, and my legs have to transport. I also carried someone who weighs more than me from the field to the bus because they were injured and for some reason people twice my size put her down after only a tenth of the distance I pulled her. Yeah it was hard. It felt like I was crying sweat, but if I have trained for anything, its pulling my fat ass and even more extra weight.

So how do I feel?

I hate muscle.
grrr... I don't look anything like I should. And its because I have been striving for success in this activity more than self-image. Its nice to know I can do something well in the world, something difficult that other people can't do as well. But... I'm still tired after every rep. I'm still falling asleep while walking at the end of the night. I can't keep up.
Its almost over.
Then my feet won't hurt anymore, and my life will become something else. I will have to find some way to figure out what I am supposed to do...

I still haven't spoken. I don't remember... I think this is day 8, tomorrow day 9? I don't know... I started on July 31, so every day in August has been the amount of days I have been silent for.
One of my techs told me I wouldn't be allowed to participate in Quarterfinals if I refuse to talk. I hope he holds to that...

But he won't. I'm too darn important.
I don't feel important. All I feel is a dull pain and exhaustion.
I can't be tired.
I am not giving up.
Just catching some bus sleep soon.

We go from New Jersey to Indiana tonight: 700 miles (14 hours).
goodnight?



Stay Beautiful