Nothing is good enough, Don't take it personally

My diet has changed...  I have mentioned this before, but let me state things clearer.

Everyone once and a while I still get hungry just to remember what it feels like, but I'm eating more like a cow does right now.
A cow that indulges on protein.
Either way, I have been 'grazing' eating small portions through the day, with a focus on protein.  But I don't like meat much, its not worth the protein and I'm more comfortable eating as vegetarian as I can.  All this protein makes the world feel different.
First, I feel wide.  I look in the mirror and I try on pants and I fit them the same.  But I feel wide...  ew.  I just did 100 push-ups in one rep.  I usually did 50 in the past.  But its different when I push myself.  I don't get dizzy like I used to, I might get tired, but not dizzy, not disoriented.  I feel like I have been working harder than I have to in the past.  And I don't care.  I liked it that way.
hm...  I can't remember all the other strange things going on.
I think I feel hungry more often.  But that's just my body saying 'food food food'.  Sometimes it is easier when you eat less to ignore that.

Why?
Because I plan to surprise some people.  I plan to be so strong that Blue Devils can't say no to me.  Then the $100 I spent for auditions won't be wasted. 
Still, I feel like I'm eating the house.

Balancing work, school, and myself.  School always seems to slip off the scale...

Stay Beautiful

Dear Sweet Twinkie

You dislike me.
You might even feel threatened by me.
Your girlfriend has talked about me like I was a friend...  I was much less than that.  I was sort of a misfit.  Isolated.  Awkward.  Wrong.
Sort like the monster I am today.  So there is no need to feel threatened by me.  She wouldn't leave you for me.  And I would do nothing beyond a modest admiration of her beauty.
I am confused...  You should see that I try.  I put effort through.  I deserve a little recognition.  But recognition... I don't ask, I don't recieve.  Instead I have to suffer your negative opinion.  I respected you.  I might refer to you as sweet twinkie here, but to me that is not who you are.  You are a leader, a teacher, and you are hard on people because you know you can make them better.  You made me better, and you didn't want to.  You disliked me enough to not care for me as you do the rest.
I am in a situation, that you have been in.  I have already made my decision.  Where you choose to lead people in an organization small and barely noticable I will be the bottom of the ladder in an organization with a reputation.  I have much of the same attitude that you did; the attitude that held you from the Blue Devils.  But I will be there in Audition camp, and when I get my spot I won't refuse it.
Sadly, I still feel an obligation to the organization you now teach at in the summers.  I will be seeing you in the future.  And I will be seeing your girlfriend too.
This all reminds me...  I'm quite worthless...
 
 
 
Stay Beautiful

Ironic

I got a raise...

Dear Work: FUCK YOU

I'm the employee that takes the short straw.  Yeah, I take your shit three hour shifts and I work your weekends, and I work double shifts on the worst days of the week.  I'm ALWAYS there when you call for me to be.  I'm the number one back-up.  I stand up for you.  I talk you up.  I play your game, I DO MY COWORKER'S SHIT because they leave it behind for me.  They noticed I clean shit up, and they take advantage of me.  You know what?  THATS WHAT!
 
Stop sending me emails about things I already know.
And don't tell me to stop working because my poison oak is some serious problem WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO WORK,  IN FACT YOU SAID THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE TO COVER THIS FUCKING SHIFT.
Damn...
serious?
Oh, and then you called me and gave me a 30 minute lecture about how I need to notify you about shit.  I was laughing at you on the other end of the line.  I hate phone conversations.
 
Anyways...  hi beautiful readers...
 
 
 
Stay Beautiful

Double Shift

180 pounds...
  I don't know why, but I suddenly thought "what if I ever got to 180 pounds"
Without hesitation I heard "kill myself" in my thoughts.  Crazy conviction.  I don't think i would kill myself.  I could lose weight if I got there.  But I'm afraid of ever getting there.

Been pulling the short straw at work.  erg.  Oh well.  Someone has to work.  Turns out I work 2 separate shifts today at two different locations.  Wonderful.  Already did my morning shift.

I feel bad about not contacting some people I should or would like to talk to.
Hi Appendix!  I know you'll read it sometime.

I have nothing to say.  So why talk to people.

I have been chattering away to random people...  I'm going to stop that.
I am always in control.


I also feel like I should be working on something.  So I will go practice scales for realz.  I plan to practice or observe sign language today.  Maybe I'll meet a cool deaf person.  But no one will be like her...

Stay Beautiful

hehe

I just tried on my first pair of skinny jeans, the size I thought I was...  Its a little loose.


Stay Beautiful

Know what you don't know

I have been giving an effort to talk to people...  and no one wants to talk to me.
 
I feel so alone.
I should just talk to the people that have already accepted me.
All 7 of them...
 
Yet it always feels like zero because...
Because I don't know them.

Dear Poison Oak:

I hate you. It hurts, but at the same time I enjoy this game, and I want you to come back some other time.

You make feel wanted. The itch burns so bad, and although I refuse and refuse, you continue to itch.
You are stronger than me. I need Calamine lotion to fight you off, and even so, you still persist, you still itch.
I never give you what you want.
You want me so much.
I like being wanted...

Dear Poison Oak,
I want you to go away but I want you to stay. I can't make up my mind if I like you or I hate you. You don't let me ignore you, and while it might be distracting... it is better than a lot of other things in life.
Poison Oak, you aren't a person so I don't have be nice to you. I don't have to consider what your feelings are. I can do whatever I want with you and then throw you away.
I haven't scratched you.
I'm just waiting...

Dear Poison Oak:
Go away.



Stay Beautiful

Days

I really don't want to be arrogant...

I just step from world to world so easily.
I suddenly just was like: oh, I'm going to eat lots of protein and do lots of exercise and work and school. And suddenly its that easy for a week (or I mean 4 days, but that is close enough to a week).
I really think its the fact that I find it so hard to care about anything. "You really should eat" okay... easy.
Its like... I don't even care about it when I starve, I don't care about it when I eat. I sometimes don't see the point of eating, and sometimes don't see the point in starving.
I mean... you don't need food for a whole day, or two, and I didn't quite do three yet because I had some liquid calories and fruit on my longest no food at all fast, but I'm quite sure three is possible.

What I really like is when it hurts.
I don't know why, but its like pain makes me happy, and the sound of loneliness makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Why is my life always so easy?
Not everything is perfect. I have English junk to do today, but I have no book because I am waiting for it to show up in the mail. The truth is, I don't care that much. I want to tell myself I will do it... But not without a book.
Would be like writing an essay in a classroom without paper when you aren't allowed to leave class.
hm...

I sometimes check up on random people I think highly of just to see how they are. RiffRaff, you might know who he is. Yeah, I looked him up. He was a really nice guy. His rehab will pass in time; what I hope for him is that he finds the love he is looking for one day. Because I think he genuinely deserves someone.

I keep forgetting everything I want to do. But I'm running at my 50%.
Some people don't understand; no matter how good you are, it isn't good enough...
I write for the people that do know what it feels like.



Stay Beautiful

I don't want to

Sorry for not updating.
Haven't been running
I have been getting really tired lately.
I feel like I'm going to get fat from fuji apples and blueberries.
I haven't been breathing through my nose...  I have to empty it too often to effectively use it.
Work.  Done lots of work.  8 hour shifts.  But what I need is to run still.
Haven't been running
\
Birthday is tomorrow.
Maybe today will be different.
I really suck at trombone.  Slide positions...
School starts soon!  Yay.
I wake up easy, but then I have nothing to do.  So then I sleep again.
I will find a way to motivate myself...
 
 
Stay Beautiful

This is what I looked like in drum corps.

On the road

6 more miles.
Because of dinner.

I like going out. Even if my feet hurt for now. They won't hurt tomorrow morning.

I miss my instrument. I mean my brass instruments. Tuba, trombone... Oh well, tomorrow I'll find some time for music.

Tomorrow my friend is going to crash my house at 8am. I am going to be using a lot of energy tomorrow. I better catch some sleep.


Stay Beautiful

Hope this works

I haven't done mobile blogging in a while.  If I do it then I am probably at work or in any other situation I need to pretend I am sending an email to somebody.  Little do they know I am writing to you.
 
Physically things have changed.  My throat got scratchy.  My eyelids heavy.  My muslces are getting fatigue.  And its getting harder to try.  Getting hungrier.
I'm starting to look better.
Even if I do "look dead tired."  I'll get over it.
I mean... I'll get to it.
It.
 
I've been thinking about it.  How it doesn't move, but it feels like when you should be getting closer because you have made progress... it feels farther.  It makes no sense, but you want it.  You work to earn it.  You love it.
 
And you can't live with it.  And it hurts.
 
But thats all it is.
 
You can't stop.
And I don't know why.
It sounds so easy.
But it is not.
 
 
At work... I haven't been here for a while.  I have a lot of work this week.
Before work I ran 8 miles.
Work seems to have less work than I remember.  But I just got here.  There is more waiting for me.  Sometimes I wonder what kind of employee I would be if I wasn't so dizzy.  Then again, I make a remarkably coordinated dizzy person.  I like hunger highs, and mixing them with endophins...  hehe.
Back to work.
 
 
Stay Beautiful

Semifinals

Dizzy
Clear

The days go by. I'm doing okay. Its been 30 hours and I have had 1 'meal'. Been walking a lot.
I didn't want to sleep last night, so I walked for 3 hours. They locked me inside on my first hour though, so I paced back and forth for 2 hours like I was crazy or something was wrong.
People asked me what is wrong.

I don't have an answer for that.
Just been light headed.
Been empty.
I know that is right.


Been a little high, from the hunger. Not used to it yet.
But its so good to be able to feel my hipbones again. and when I lay on my back my ribs are so much farther than my stomach.
I'm working for it.



Stay Beautiful

Bus fight

weighing at 180 pounds... D.S.!
Weighing at... "140" (144 fatso) Me...

I fought, and I won.
The rules are you shove at each other until you get the other person past the barrier.


I pulled through because of you Appendix.


Stay Beautiful

Quarterfinals

Starting now its on my mind. Starting now the word it has a new meaning. "It" is my own personal perfection, and I'm going to be it at any cost. You can watch me.

I just performed my quarterfinals run. Wow...
Wow, because I'm hungry already. But hunger is nothing but a perception.
I don't need to eat for a while. The word snack means nothing. Its like when a computer is given a command it doesn't understand. Snack: NULL.

Tea. Tea is an elixir of flavor to battle extreme fatigue. Tea is not a staple. Tea is a secret weapon.
Walking. Walking is necessary to drain time. Time disappears when you walk. Calories are burned. And then, you are closer to being it. It takes time, and walking is time. Walking burns time.


For now... I am signing off.
It is on my mind.
It.



Stay Beautiful

My Complaining Rights

I wonder if I have a right to say how I feel, because for some reason right now I think I can sum up enough shit to build a pretty good sketch of what its like to be me right now.

My feet hurt. Every step there is some part of my foot with a callus, blister, funny pressure thing going on... Yeah, and I've been running miles and miles, getting nowhere.
My mind feels washed out. I'm so tired from all the work that I feel like I've been crying all day, but my feet remind me that I've actually been moving around.
Then my body... feels fine. This is strange. I put my body through a lot, I lug around 30 extra pounds of tuba that my arms have to control, my shoulder has to carry, and my legs have to transport. I also carried someone who weighs more than me from the field to the bus because they were injured and for some reason people twice my size put her down after only a tenth of the distance I pulled her. Yeah it was hard. It felt like I was crying sweat, but if I have trained for anything, its pulling my fat ass and even more extra weight.

So how do I feel?

I hate muscle.
grrr... I don't look anything like I should. And its because I have been striving for success in this activity more than self-image. Its nice to know I can do something well in the world, something difficult that other people can't do as well. But... I'm still tired after every rep. I'm still falling asleep while walking at the end of the night. I can't keep up.
Its almost over.
Then my feet won't hurt anymore, and my life will become something else. I will have to find some way to figure out what I am supposed to do...

I still haven't spoken. I don't remember... I think this is day 8, tomorrow day 9? I don't know... I started on July 31, so every day in August has been the amount of days I have been silent for.
One of my techs told me I wouldn't be allowed to participate in Quarterfinals if I refuse to talk. I hope he holds to that...

But he won't. I'm too darn important.
I don't feel important. All I feel is a dull pain and exhaustion.
I can't be tired.
I am not giving up.
Just catching some bus sleep soon.

We go from New Jersey to Indiana tonight: 700 miles (14 hours).
goodnight?



Stay Beautiful

35 Miles to Massachusets

I got frustrated today, to the point I pretty much squeaked a word.
If you don't count that, it will have been 7 days since I last spoke after today is over. I am on day 7, and I had planned on only going a week.

But it wouldn't be fair for me to speak my mind.
I have stacked my frustrations so high that only this unlimited sky of silence is large enough to hold them all. If I throw out my frustrations on my fellow corps members it would hurt them. Instructors tell me that my silence is too much...
I am too much. There are so many things that really don't matter that I want to fix.
The hornline has awful posture. A certain tuba player needs a brain. Our Alternate needs to get a dot, there are two open and he isn't doing anything for them. People need to shut up. People need to run more. People need to do yard lining more effectively- I have to say I think my way is the best, but mostly because I stole most of Mr. Indiana's ways. My section is fragile. My section settles for less. My section doesn't know their music. My section isn't strong enough to hold up their horns. My section isn't strong enough to march and play a show. My section can't march with correct technique.

DO YOU SEE?
None of this matters.
But we are taught here that drum corps is our lives while we are here.
All these people, they already know these things. If I yelled at them it would only add to the pressure they have given themselves and the instructors give to them. The most I could do is teach one of the willing what he needs to know, and I will do that, without words even. Of all the individuals here, he is one of the people I enjoy having as a comrade. Him, Jesse, Rhino, Mr Indiana, Tim... there are other people that I can work well with. I just don't get the time. They will be unmentioned.
None of it really matters.
We will not make Semi-Finals. I know this already. It hasn't happened yet, but I already know we won't quite get there this year.

And next year... I plan to move on.

I am ready to move on now.


Unrelated, I plan on writing arrangements in scale degrees so I can practice fun songs in random keys. I have already done Jupiter from Gustav Holst and Amazing Grace. I plan to do more.

Errrr... I hate being light headed because I am out of energy even though I ate. This activity takes a lot of energy...

Stay Beautiful

There is no Echo where there is no noise

New York wasnt bad... It did rain, but it was east coast summer rain: which is a good thing. West coast rain is far too cold, even in the summer months (unless you are in Arizona, where "too cold" is hard to come by)
So weather isnt a barrier.

But sleep might be.
We travel a lot for the next 3 days, and It is projected we get 4 hours of sleep or less every night.
I have to get off soon because of that.

Other than that, this is my 6th day of silence complete. Tomorrow will be 7 days without speaking.
I guess I don't have much to say.


Stay Beautiful

Snap

New York, why are you so cold? Its the middle of summer... Don't get cold on me.



Stay Beautiful

Can't waste silence

I have had 3 days of silence.
3 days without a word. And only on the 3rd and 4th days have I had to actually communicate.

I like silence. In silence I get to focus; my only regret is focus is self-centered. It is easier to focus on yourself than it is on anyone else: you can only change who you are.
PS: Albert Einstein shared a quote with me, it is "a man can do as he will, but not will as he will"

Also, on another intelligent note, I found the source of why people at health institutions are allowed to force feed people through feeding tubes as Anorexia treatment. But from what I read there didn't seem to be much discussion that went on before deciding tube feeding was appropriate. It was sort of like... It isn't demeaning or dangerous so lets do it.
I wouldn't know...
But I hear it is painful.

This is straight from the Handbook of Eating Disorders 2nd Edition:
"Until relatively recently, there was uncertainty about the legality of compulsory treatment for
anorexia nervosa in the UK but the position has recently been clarified by guidance from
the Mental Health Act Commission:
In certain situations, patients with severe anorexia nervosa whose health is seriously
threatened by food refusal may be subject to detention in hospital and . . . there are
occasions when it is necessary to treat the self-imposed starvation to ensure the proper
care of the patient . . . naso-gastric feeding can be a medical process, forming an integral
part of the treatment for anorexia nervosa. (Mental Health Act Commission, 1997)
The European Court of Human Rights has ruled that compulsory feeding does not constitute
inhuman or degrading treatment; it therefore appears to be consistent with the European
Convention on Human Rights, which has been substantially incorporated into British law
as the Human Rights Act (Radcliffes Mental Health Law Briefing, No. 34, 2000)."


Grrrrrrrr....

Anyways... I don't know how long the silence will go, but it is loads of fun when someone you know says hi and all you do is look them in the eye and wait for them to say something else. People tend to laugh. Isn't it strange how people laugh at something when it is much more serious than funny?
I don't laugh at them. I take them seriously. I'm just in a listening mood, and if they can't see that, then they can listen to me. they shall hear my silence, and maybe they will see it as me being in a listening mood.

Also... I have put weights on my horn. When I am practicing i weigh about 180 pounds. i understand why people that size can't run now... its really hard. And that is with my 6'1" body. My weight has been averaging a little below 145, and when I take off the weights on my horn i am now comfortably able to run, play and march at 170.
I want to comfortably exist at a modest 130; someday when i don't have to depend on food for energy.

Stay Beautiful