Before Day

I always seem to have something to complain about, and right now my shoulders hurt.
The explanation why is easy: I did either 20 or 26 one-armed push-ups so far today with both hands. Sets of six, and the last set was a set of eight. I might even do more...
Eh...
Starving is working. I don't feel half as sick as yesterday. I don't know if I even feel hungry... I can't tell. I'm not out of my mind right now- by that I mean I am not high.
I don't take drugs. I don't drink. Yeah... the high I mean, is when you get so hungry you can't think. That is how I get high. It takes hours to achieve and it never lasts that long. It makes sleep come so easy.
Sometimes it doesn't come at all...

Oh, tomorrow is Halloween. Exciting huh?
For me... I don't know yet. I feel caught. Like all my friends want me to do something but I am not ready. I don't know what I am going to dress up as... I'd like to be a holocaust victim (be creepy thin and stuff... haha). But I can't do that. My hair is long for me. There are alternatives.

So, I don't know if this is a cold that I am starving. But I am getting better already. Yeah, my throat still hurts, and the air in between my ears feels unbalanced. But I don't think about that as often. I'm more worried about how unclean I feel in my room (clutter makes me feel... eh). And my shoulders hurt. I think I can do more one-armed push-ups. I don't know how I will do on food today.


AND... I'm avoiding. Last week (I think?) when I was not writing here. I ate a lot. I gained weight. Probably not 5 pounds, but enough to cover the beautiful veins and the awesome cord-texture of my muscles when I flexed. My hip bones sank just below the skin, you can see where they are, but they don't poke out. I miss the old me. But with this beautiful flu or cold or whatever I have, I will return, maybe even stronger.

We shall see what happens.
Stay beautiful.

HeeH

Whatever it is... it is burning my throat, and it feels like it is pumping pressure into my ears.
I'm thinking... starving it will kill it.
Chicken broth for breakfast?
Liquid for lunch. plus one egg? (I have to go to work... and pretend I am not sick- or high off of not eating enough)
Dinner? eh... Chicken broth again?

I don't know... compared to how I usually set my goals, this one isn't gradual at all. I don't know if I will be able to do it this time. But I will see... Does starving a cold (or whatever this is) really work?
When I think about it I would rather work out as much as I can, regardless of how much I think I will eat. Because when I just focus on the workout, I only eat enough to survive. Still, what is the harm in going a little bit too low on caloric intake for a short time?

I don't know...
I do know that Halloween is coming up. I WILL NOT eat candy. And please... for your sake don't eat it.

But the sick... I feel it. I think it helps me lose weight. I can't tell in this cold, my skin feels so tight on me! I think it is wonderful. Makes me want to take my shirt off even though it is freezing cold outside.

Goodbyes are so hard... and so is ending a post.
I'm going to steal Zander's line:
Stay Beautiful

SickD

I'm sick, or maybe not.
You see, I won't let myself get sick. Lately I have been getting symptoms; starting with a tenderness in my throat, a runny nose, an itching in my throat that goes away when I cough, and then my voice going hoarse. I concentrate on these... They are my enemies. I ignore the throat, I breathe gently so my nose doesn't run as much, I will not cough. And...
I sang.

Maybe this is paranoia... I wash my hands: all the time right now. When I feel like I am getting sick, I eat only certain foods. 1 cooked Egg: with nothing on it. Spinach salad. Soup. Chicken broth. Water, with ice, without ice, with ice and so on... The only food I am missing that I usually use to fight sickness is blueberries. Still, I have my breathing.
Breathe in for 6. Out for 12.
I'm a music man, I play instruments, so the tempo and the breathing all make sense to me. If I feel like a fever might be a symptom, I breathe it away. And so on...
At school I wrote down BREATHE on my paper. Large capital letters... and some fool next to me read it. "Is that some kind of a reminder?" he asked: "Yeah"- I gave him a pleasant smile- "I need to work on my breathing sometimes."
Then I wrote again. This time... in a code.
What did I write? I wrote the word SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM. all over the paper. But he couldn't understand it... I did it in hieroglyphics and Morse Code. If you would like... I could teach you; if we ever met in person. No one understands the fight. I can tell them. But no one gets it.

... By the way... All the sudden I notice followers. I'm sorry i didn't post for a long time; I will make sure to explain the absence over posts (I may not say "this is why I was gone," but I will talk about F-F; and that is kinda why). I'll try to tell the truth.

I learned today
1. Obama signed legislation that makes crimes against lesbians or gays for reasons of sexual orientation equal to that of hate crime (may not sound significant, but if you know more about how hard they crack down on hate crime it shows how this actually is a step forward).
2. Hydrogen Peroxide, in household use is about 3% hydrogen peroxide. You have to go to specialty chemical stores and get 30% H2O2, considered "extra strength" by some people.

All I Want Is A Note

Nothing else.

FreakCreep

...
I need to figure out what this is.
My brain is bothering me... and I'm eating. Is there a relationship?


Anyway, for some reason I sleep better on the floor.
What am I?

Cold So

9 mile run tonight. I did a 9 mile run, and I walked it off for at least a mile.
Also I did over 500 push-ups today.
I even did some one-armed push-ups.
And worked.

How was this possible?
1. Food.
2. Sleep.

I admit, it is much impossible to do this without food at some point, but today I was an absolute pig. I must have binged out 700 calories for lunch. And 700 more for dinner. Ew... But at least my run felt great- like the food felt like it would just go away, or maybe I would just puke. I'm tired in my legs, but I don't smell. I don't ever smell bad after I work out, in fact most of the time I smell better. Do I love my own body too much? Yes. And that is why I do what it wants sometimes.
Truth be told, I couldn't remember the last time I went on a run. I had 2 days of practically nothing this weekend (except lots of heart-racing brawl+ action). I spent way too much time on the video game Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and I still love the game as much as myself, that and I could use some refinements on the hacks I use with the game. I confirm I am a nerd in that respect.

Weakness.
It is a weakness, so is whatever that feeling was that drove me crazy over the past 5 days or so. It seems to have gone away after the nap I had in the middle of the day, but this was some serious 'weakness'. I was flinching when I thought about people I found attractive. I was boiling on the inside when I was thinking about what I had to do with my day. And I didn't know what was going on. Why did I have no control over myself?
I don't know if it was the rest I apparently gave myself, but it just intensified until today. Who knows; it may return tomorrow.

But 9 miles... that is good. My foot hurts, I need new running shoes. 9 miles. I am quite proud of myself tonight. But I am also afraid because I don't know if or when I can do that again.

One thing I want to try is running in the rain. I was thinking I should just pick out an old pair of shorts, and run shirtless, maybe just a mile. But the icy winds here should shock my metabolism.
I need strength.

Strength...
Don't wimp out. When it hurts be smart, but never wimp out. Because you are not a wimp.
Hey everyone out there: be strong.

Throat Stuck

... I want to make a noise, but my throat feels horrible. And my legs were perfect, just 2 days ago. Now they feel normal. I didn't do anything for a day, and that happened.
I'm going absolutely insane.
Just letting myself go absolutely insane.

I vented a lot today, and I am pretty much good emotionally (whereas the past 3 days I have just been internally screaming) but I never removed the sources. I need to do something about those.
Because I can feel it growing, and I'm going to want to scream again.

I was out for dinner tonight with my family. There was a 6 year-old sitting across from me (daughter of a parent's friend's friend) who left it up to me to entertain her all night long. She was annoying, she sung the whole time, she said hi, she stared, she was wonderful; everything I want in a daughter of mine.
She stared at me. She stared at me, I loved that in a kid. One day, she is going to be older, and some guy is going to look at her, and she will look right back. She kept bugging me. She was relentless: One day, she will have some boy will like her, and she will decide if she likes him or he needs to move on. She sang: she has energy, and life! She was the cutest little girl. She would playfully punch her father, and she dug right into the dessert, her father told her to not eat it because it was dairy and it wouldn't help her get well because she was sick a while ago and dairy isn't good for people that are sick- I never knew that- and it made her cry. She didn't get any more ice cream! (the kid respects her father a lot)
Then I heard her history. She is 6 years old, turning 7 next month. She had pierced ears! In second grade... I don't remember that as a kid. Her mother was not the woman that was with us, her real mother was a drug addict. Her real mother had no rights to see her, but this other woman, who was in a relationship with her real father, was practically her mother. Her father had a huge scar: from cancer, on his neck. Her new mother (not the birth one) used to be really fat, but lost a lot of weight, and looks "bone thin in the face, but good in the body" according to my mother.

Oh and I ate. I ate what a normal person would eat at home, which is less than what people eat going out. But I still ate. I thought about purging before I ate, but after... I was too worried about how the waitress kept paying special attention to me, and being especially polite to me. I swear, she was interested in me... but my head hurts from other people. I don't eve know how old she was, but i am 18, and people tell me I look like "working age." (to me that means I look 21). Would have been different for me to be interested in an older woman, or at least one that is 3 years or more older than me. I don't see anything wrong with it, if she can meet my extremely shallow criteria. But I don't see people doing that.
So I get these people interested in me (I can't control it). I see it (or at least I think I do). And I do nothing, this is one way how I see myself a monster. That is the beginning, like laying the bait out for the trap.
My body is the bait.
My mind is the trap.

I'm trapped right now. Because I am so lonely, and searching out people, but every person I talk to doesn't help it. And it just stays the same, no larger, no smaller. I'm crazy because I keep thinking that someone can fill it. But I haven't let anyone do it for me.
I'm going crazy.
I want her to message me back.
I know we aren't going anywhere.
I see we probably will not go anywhere.
But I need this to try. I need this empty place to change. I have stopped all the workouts because I want to get through with this. I want my mind to be at rest. I want to scream already.

I seriously am going crazy.
And with that I am gaining weight.

IS THERE A RELATIONSHIP?

Oct 17

I did the homework, but before working out more I stopped.

I looked at my legs, and it looked like no fat, I tried pinching the skin; directly under the skin was muscle. My arm were worse, the only part of me that might seem to have retained fat is my butt (which is extremely low) and my stomach (which feels like just skin anyway, and when I flex you can't even grip the skin).

I don't know where I am with this weight loss thing. I don't imagine myself at the end, but from here where can I go? Will I stay here, stuck because it is too hard to get any further? I don't know.
I do know I am angry that I ate my breakfast. There was so much fat in that thing I ate I bet (anyone know stats for a bearclaw?). At the same time, why worry about it? I can easily work off the 300-400 calories it was. Why do I want to be angry with myself just for eating?

And I'm so tired of my dreams.

Now Right Myself Hate Really I

I really hate myself right now.
I did something like 300 push-ups before the phone rang.

I have homework due soon.

I AM SO FREAKING ANGRY.
AND IF I SAY WHY THAT WILL ADMIT I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I would rather go crazy before I admit that.
I'm going to go for 600*.


*everything is in sets of 50-60

!AraM?

I ate around 300 calories for breakfast.
Around ... what did I eat for lunch?
and around 500 calories for dinner.
I drank about 800 calories worth; most of it is protein because it is mostly milkstuff.
And I ate some paper.

Is that weird? I don't know. I do remember eating a Kiwi for lunch, which is 45 calories, but then all I remember is looking at the food and thinking none of this is worth it, and I wanted to eat paper instead. I'm beginning to wonder where I got so crazy.
I drank so much water today.
And I am so tired all day.
What is going on?

I wouldn't say I have my half a day's workout in yet, but I can there... I swear I can. And I'm going to get to it... I'm so frustrated with myself at the moment. I'm beginning to hate my body because it isn't easy on me anymore. I just want to dwindle down a little. Get a bit thinner, and this will all go away. And I want to detox so bad, And I want to be outside, sprinting, and ... not alone. I miss drum corps for that. And when I get back into drum corps, I want to take the extra step and run after rehearsal.

Oh, I was on craigslist today, first of all, people there are creepy. They post their fetishes, and their affairs, and just whatever on there. And then I found ads where people asked for running partners. I was thinking, that would be a good idea. I could use a running buddy in the area; even if the closest one was a 28 year old female. I wouldn't mind that.
But the highlight of Craigslist today was the Rants and Raves section. In there was a short story, and it moved the inside of me. I'm so glad I read it.
And...

I want to wither.

Bus The Missed I

I missed the Bus.
I was supposed to go to San Jose State University today, those were my plans, but I woke up at 8:00 AM and that was when the bus left. Something... I really don't know why I didn't want to do it. Because f I truly wanted it, I would have put in some effort. Now I am stuck here today.

Tired all the time? I don't know, but my attitude has been so lethargic that I find it hard to disagree. I'm completely afraid I am not burning enough calories. I don't know what is happening.

Water, I drink water.
And I was going to go somewhere with a friend today, perhaps ride bikes, perhaps a run. That will at least cover for a little bit of time; but still I said I was going to be gone all day for extra credit. My parents will be angry that I missed out because of something I could have prevented.
Now that I think of it... a run would be in food order after blogging this. I have some homework due by midnight tonight, but I am afraid to do it.
It requires me to comment on people's blogs, they responded to a prompt, and I have to respond to their response. I didn't do any of the reading, like usual, and that makes it harder and harder to integrate the course material. On top of that; I hate how the books in the class seem so redundant, at least the first 2 are. I feel so sad, because all they are about is how our creation myths and early organization of society cause women to suffer.
This is just a bad time to force me to learn that information, because I mindlessly talk about it, at the same time I can't allow it in my thoughts because I like someone. I don't know... part of me admits that I want a woman reliant on me, but one of the things I find beautiful about this girl is how she doesn't need me. And I like how she doesn't know if she likes me back.
But this is so strange to me... I try to think that I know the dating rules, and how to act and feel. For some reason I can't do it. I feel so unreal. Maybe I am emotionless like I say I am.

Oh. Sorry, I rambled about nasty relationship hope. I think I can deal with it, and I don't even know if anything will become of it.
But, yesterday... I guess I was tired. And today too... something is up with my body I don't know what it is.
The day before yesterday was an exhaustion run, a 7 mile run, and a full day workout.
Yesterday my exercise was Pull-ups a few times, and a lot of walking.
Today... nothing so far. But I'm going to try to get in a half day workout, and a few runs. Depends how I feel against the weather.

Now that I look at it... I need to give myself rest once and a while (do I really?). And this is okay. Still; I can not stop.

I'm feeding myself. I'm eating so much food I feel like an animal. But I eat it over time, this is supposed to help your metabolism. I haven't eaten to the point of having my stomach bloat, and I even skipped most of dinner the night I did the 7 mile run. I'm really dazed for some reason, and all the time is blending together.

Maybe it is best I missed the bus today.

Know Like Would You

I ate breakfast, it was 265 calories.
I ate lunch; it was quite a bit more, something like 600 calories
I kind of ate dinner, I ate around 200 calories.
Oh, and I drank around 725 calories today.
I think I will eat 50 calories for dessert.

I went on 2 separate runs today. One was one mile, with 10 pounds of weights. I felt sick after. I thought I would vomit. And I couldn't walk straight, or think right. But then I laid down and it was better. Had some tea and was nearly totally recovered.
I took another run today; it was about 6-7 miles running, and 2-3 walking. I called up a friend and he ran with me; it was late and dark. But my friend is really cool, he accepts me being different. He doesn't like how I tell him things like thin is beautiful and low calorie is the only lifestyle for me. But he doesn't so much dwell on it, he even listens to me, and lets me tell him more. I'm glad he ran with me.
My mother thinks I have a girlfriend that I disappear to. Not true. I don't have a girlfriend.

I have done at least 200 push-ups through the day, and a little bit of ab work. I'm sure to have a great body. My six pack got me angry because it has been fading, whereas my back has gotten sore from muscle growth, and feels grotesquely huge. But I am really liking the progress with my legs. I can see the muscles in my legs when I sit down when all I do is just let my legs kind of sway. And if they are perfectly inactive, they still look thin, just a little bit of fat to lose. But I will get there.

I had a lot of friendly people be nice to me today. I'm hoping that I get more friendly stuff in the future.
I have school tomorrow. And now more than ever I am not going to be ready for it... I will be there, and I will be as ready as I can be. I have recently felt something that will take me forward through my day. And I just can't wait for the next day.
You would like to know; but I am cruel, and you don't get to hear.

Her Love I

I am so sorry.
Sorry I left. Sorry I am not Ana. Sorry i don't try hard enough.

Lots has happened. Since it got cold I haven't been able to run. Okay... arm strength... maybe. I just did 50 push-ups a minute ago. But it isn't enough.
Never will be enough.
I'm getting goosebumps because I sent FacelessFantasy a note... I just went crazy recently.

Okay... so I did some research.
Random fact: the average person uses 1200 calories a day to do basic metabolism and rebuild tissue.
Homemade popcorn is a really healthy snack, the popcorn I make says 15 cals per cup, and it tastes AWESOME with Smart Squeeze (5 cals per TableSpoon) substitute margarine (top three ingredients are 1.water 2.food starch 3.salt) and cinnamon. Plus popcorn is naturally whole grain. Fiberlicious.
30-60 seconds of intense cardio can raise your metabolism for up to an hour.
And Detox is for everyone? Got a book on detox, and so far nothing interesting, except they market their product (ideology) very well.

It has been so long... But I even wrote again. It felt good, and I get a little writing in every once and a while now. I love my writing. I love my body. But I misuse the term love...

Sin is what I love. For some odd reason, I actually enjoy making trouble with other people's lives. I don't mean to, and I genuinely care about people. I just have an urge I don't understand or see, that attracts me to people who's lives I can screw with. And I kill them.
If I were a dreaming creature I would drill holes into people's thoughts, they would lay helpless as I crafted them into monsters. I would enhance anomalies. I would drain the very life from another and watch it wither as it slides through my fingers...

Truly, I don't believe everything I say, but that is what gives me power when I say I love Sin.
Because a Lover of Sin is allowed to lie,


Goodluck escaping from me...

Absence Future

I'm going to go for a while, not be here, because I have to focus on school. And I'm not. First an update, then I go. 2 weeks should be fine.

I miss this.
I looked at myself in the mirror, everything is okay again, except some things are better; I look 'healthier' and if I flex, I can see lines under my skin. This in my mind translates to losing the small layer of fat that used to cover my muscle, and now I look like a replica of a muscle diagram- when flexing.
The bad news to this awesome loss of weight is I will not be able to go farther. Not for months, in fact I will have to gain weight. I am too cold to live without some fat. I can't run. I'm going to gain from losing that, and it is going to be more difficult to find the time to do these things. I'm not going to be as motivated- and even if I was, the cold breaks me down. When I gave blood my temperature was low- almost to the point that they wouldn't let me give blood, and when I said my approximate weight the woman gave me the eye. First off, it felt awesome, but it explains a lot of where I am and where I could be. This winter, if I give blood enough, things shouldn't feel so bad- about being fatter.
Lower temperature explains how susceptible I am to the cold. When I jump into a cold pool on a hot summer day, I suddenly lose energy. I call this 'cold shock' and a long time ago when I was smaller, I would eventually get used to the temperature of the pool. Now, things continue to worsen, and the shock runs deeper. On one of the hottest days of summer, I went to a water-park where the water is very cold, and where the rest of my friends were fine, not even shivering when the slight breeze hit them, I had purple lips, my teeth chattered for hours straight, and I was tired. Being that cold probably burns a lot of calories.
Cold wears me down.
I'm going to leave. I know leaving will not make my life better immediately. I am so cold.

I tried riding my bike today to school to see how long it would take (no school for me today) and I got a flat tire. Had to walk back.

I hate how if I wear more clothes it doesn't block out the cold more. All my clothes are just baggy enough that they fit, but they let the cold find a small passageway to you, and that minuscule patch of flesh that cold finds freezes everything. With 3 pairs of gloves on I walked outside, and my fingers immediately felt like they frosted; the worst part about this is that it never snows here. I'm complaining when this isn't even relatively cold. Winter is going to kill me.

Thanks for reading,
Goodluck
Find Beauty.

Fated2One

That Like Look Don't I

I don't look like that picture... why?
What happened?
...

Am I gaining weight? Or is this something else?
I look huge compared to that...
This is not good.

I'm going to wait this out kinda... see how it looks later.