Once upon a Sybil Vain

Don't you think being genius is an evil thing?

If one is genius, they reserve their intelligence to themselves.  Knowledge can't be shared like wealth.  Being rich is also evil.

No.
Its objective.
Perfectly objective.


On my desk is a collection of Shakespeare sonnets, on top of that is Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, and on top of that a Nintendo DS  I'm listening to an audiobook of Dorian Gray.
If I wrote the book Dorian Gray it would have taken a decade.
It is genius.
I watched The Tempest, by William Shakespeare.


I've done a lot today.
I've eaten a lot.
My body feels balanced.
I am happy the cut in my mouth has almost healed.


Tomorrow I get a day off.
Its already tomorrow.
Time to sleep.
Dorian Gray must wait.

Blame God

Life feels like a mistake.
And I feel cornered.  The walls at my back block out the light, and my closed eyelids darken the rest of the world.  I feel like sleeping.  The body lays down in a chair, lays down while standing, lays down driving.  Ready to sleep in the notice of a moment.
I saw a beautiful girl today.
I said goodbye to my cousin today.  I get an odd feeling of what I'm missing with her.  She is so beautiful.  I know... I enjoy her so much because I crave beauty enough that anything would do.  I wish I could stroke her cheek.  But she is a younger cousin by 6 years.  No one would understand me.

So instead I dream that someone will come along.
I could have talked to the pretty face i saw today.  But I felt she was so far away...
I don't want to try to get close to something far away.  I'm not the type to hunt for something that runs away when it hears you approaching.  I'd like someone curious.

I'd like to see Violet.
She was beautiful enough.  Pleasant.  Interested in me... or so I thought.
I'd love to see her again.


I'm hungry.
But I don't want to eat.  It feels like I'm trying to force a smile every bite I chew.  So I will sleep.
I will wake up hungry.
Sunrise Sunset.
Always is the same.



Stay beautiful

All in the desire

I've heard it before that just wanting to do sin is just as bad as doing it.  People must have gotten that idea from the Bible because it makes no sense.  I'd be a terrible person if that were true.

I've been drifting off into fantasies of incest with my younger cousin.


I am a capable person, I can control what I do.  But I don't think it is possible for me to block out the thoughts.  I don't even want to.


Physically I ignored every plea from my consciousness to avoid calories.  I ate.  Victory right?
I feel bigger... and I feel like a rubber ball.  Like I'd bounce if I hit the ground.


The cut in my mouth hasn't healed.
And I've spilled blood numerous times from the hole in my finger.


I talked to Maslow today.  I'm so envious of his mind.
Wish I was smart.


I've wanted to take picture of myself.
I know I'm ugly.
But I've actually wanted to see a mirror.
I've always wondered how come mirrors can reflect everything perfectly when nothing else can.
Originality
Makes the mirror powerful.



stay beautiful

Crash

Two days ago I burned my mouth.

Today it hurt so much I couldn't take it anymore.  So I started rubbing it with my finger.  My nail tore open the flesh in my mouth.
I immediately was rewarded with a blood covered finger.  I licked off the blood and sucked in my fill from the sore.


I want to cry
my existence is so low



stay beautiful

I'm a waste of your time

Thanks for reading.

I'm gone this weekend.
Just wanted to say.

There are things I don't want to say; those encompass the usual.  Too little work.
Too little pain.
I think in order to do things for other people I have to do those things for myself.

I chanced a bumper sticker today; it said "Think Pickles"


I love you butterfly
And I hate myself
I'm getting fatter


stay beautiful

"You're a character"

Actually I'm hungry.
 
Light-headed and hungry.  I usually am this way.  But this instant is different, because I actually want to eat.
I'm at work.
 
I don't understand why all the sudden hunger needs to be filled.  I've liked being empty in the past.
 
 
I think it is ironic that people have been calling my phone expecting to get a hold of me.
Its ridiculously broken.  Right now it functions like a clock with a picture that can recieve texts.  I can reply only when I get the text and I am limited in my choice of letters.  I know I can't use the letters d, t, k, p, y, and a few others.  But sadly... those are the best letters for saying "sorrY, buT mY Phone Doesn'T worK and i can'T reallY TexT you righT now"
Imagine if you left out every capital letter...  Well, I've tried to tell them.
The I try calling, and ironically they ignore it and send a text "I can't answer the phone right now"
Well, thats great because I can't text.
 
stay beautiful

Quantify

I wish I could quantify my effort.  But yesterday I worked an hour off the clock.  I have done nothing for my body.  I've binged (the strangest binge of 2 cookies, 2 credit card sized portions of meat, and some blackberries).  I've felt hungry.
I don't know how to say it,
but I feel like I've been trying.  I don't know what at.

Because I'm not doing anything.
I just want to have fun.

Its my winter break.  Until January 24th, and I'm so torn by double work schedules that I have no idea how I can enjoy myself.
I didn't fail any classes this semester.
My phone is broken (new one should come in today).
I spent a lot of money on a piece of my computer I'm making.
I'm buying it one part at a time.

There is no clue to where I am or where I want to be.  I need a number.


stay beautiful

Journey to the end

"You think about it"
you think about it.

He kept saying that.  What he really meant was "Listen to me, you do as I say"
And I kept saying no.
no.

NO.


I spent about 3 hours of my 8 hour shift (where I'm not even legally working for this guy yet) arguing with him over how impossible it is for me to work for him while I am working for someone else at the same exact time in a different location.
His English pretty much sucks.

I got home today and told my mother I ate two of the largest apples I have ever had in my life for lunch.  She said "You have to take care of yourself"
Fuck you.
Serious...  I ate far too much today.  Two apples, Two of my banana bars that I cooked, breakfast and a spaghetti dinner.  Fucking load.

I'm not going to lose weight like this.  And Its sad... because I want to lose so badly.
I stress ate today.  Felt like a balloon.

She wasn't there... Violet.
Violet didn't have work today, but she texted me.  And I couldn't respond.

My cell phone is broken.
I have a lot of work.
Work
work...

and another audition this weekend.


I'm so lonely that I hope Ks is there.  I want Ks to be my friend.
I want Violet to touch me again.
I want to see Faceless Fantasy

And I want to fight for my butterfly.


In the back of my mind I remember that I'm trying to raise money for the fight against cancer.  But I'm so worried that I'll get so caught up in work and school that I will never get to it.

The Storm... I've wanted to contact Miss Storm for a while.  We were acquaintances in high school, she is a drama major, a perfectionist, and a Shakespeare enthusiast.  She is the type of girl that takes the perfect photos and never has a hair out of place.  She has red hair and blue eyes.  I don't find her especially attractive, but I can see she is beautiful.  I've wanted to talk with her, and learn from her, in regards to Shakespeare.  Today I copied Sonnet 18 a few times.  I want to contact Storm sometime after I have memorized at least that sonnet and synthesized some Shakespearean speech of my own.

But I'm me.
I eat enough to survive
Only to have it grown out of proportion in my mind.
I work hard
but avoid work whenever I can because I'd rather be having fun
And I learn
But don't work at it, because learning shouldn't require you to be uncomfortable.  For you forget those things that you learned when you were uncomfortable.  Those things you want to let go.

What matters is how far you go

or for myself, how far I go

Stay beautiful

Insular Mindlessness

I can't write this yet.
Now I can.

I taste blood in my nose.  And today, i got so dizzy that I couldn't see.  Then I binged, and I felt like the only two thoughts I could hold were the strangest things in the world.  The first was "Why I am eating?" and the second was "Why am I still dizzy no matter how much I eat?"
But an hour later the disorientation subsided so I was just left brooding over the sheer calories I consumed.

I now have two jobs.
I am on break from school.  But its dumb having two workloads to complete.  Two schedules to think about.  I want to find someone to train for my second job so I can only have my first job.  I only want one job all of a sudden.  And I just finished my first day.

Today I looked down at my arms.  They look so average when relaxed.  I want to rip them to shreds... actually I want to bite them.  I've found biting myself to be fulfilling.  I love the look of the purple teeth marks from gnawing at my loose skin.  I don't taste all that wonderful, but if I strike blood I'm ecstatic with pain.  Fucking screwball...
I'm not supposed to look average.  Or relaxed.  But I've been weak.  So weak...

I'll get stronger, I swear I will.
And I won't binge like I did today.
Its repulsive.

Without school, I have decided to continue pursuing Shakespeare.  I might even impress someone one day.  For what other use is there to Shakespeare?

I've got to go...
Disc 2 of Hamlet.


Stay beautiful

How are you?

I'm having a pretty fucking terrible day.
 
I've been asked HOW ARE YOU so many fucking times today.
And I've lied to you all
 
Stop fucking asking
 
stay beautiful

I need to make this simple because my last post failed.

But I signed up for something I can't do.

I'm a logistics coordinator for a Cancer relay for life.



stay beautiful

Borderline

I just got a 69 in a class with an optional final.
You know what that means?  Besides I have to take the final... I'm sad.
 
And to me, that counds more than the grade
because I'm happier this way.
 
 
stay beautiful

I ate two slices of pizza.  I know everything I put on it.  But I can't remember all the caloric values.  I'm bringing that fancy journal everywhere now...   I need to write all my eats down again so you can see how disgusting I am.
You'll know I'm not thin
not beautiful
not even strong enough to abstain from food

I do not have a sexy body, I have a stomach that protrudes over my hip bones.  Stomachs aren't meant to store food, they are meant to pulverize it and relax at a concave setting.  Its in our biology, the muscles are best relaxed when empty. 
Whatever, I'm not even smart.

Tomorrow decides whether I pass calculus or not.
If not, then I'll try again Thursday


I miss something I've never had
I miss having a female crying on my shoulder
so I have to do nothing
and I can be as ugly as I am and its okay
because she just needs someone to cry on
I'm there
And I have to do nothing.



stay beautiful

Or not

I was wrong.
But at least I know I'm crazy.


Stay beautiful

Mourned

I don't want school to end.
It ends this week.
School ends this week.
I'm not ready
In fact.  I'm 5 pages from failure at this moment.

fml?
no.
I'm only sad at this one thing
I'm sure of it.

8K72483ry863st863al S386es683la8365r is dead.

stay beautiful

5870

Last night I couldn't sleep.
My leg from my hip to my toe was in severe pain.
I was trying to sleep through it.
That wasn't going to happen.

I'm inflexible.  That is how I say it happened.

Todays Dawdle expanded on

Love stroked her cheek
Too pretty to him she was
but nothing else was
attractive

Her eyes
,beautiful like roses,
were down  
Her hands
delicate like birds
rested uselessly on his arms,

His face closer to hers

"And you won't even feel a thing."
Doctor
Liar 
I could feel the needle puncturing my arm,
feel digging into skin to reach blood
Feel him push it in
Blood washing poison like a river washing blood
I needed to see but had to look away
I didn't want to see the                                                                            Demon
doctor

Fluorescent light woven gloves 
White squares, white ceiling, white coat white room
Doctor retracted the needle  A small bubble of blood formed from the minuscule cavity, and it grew to a drop, and grew to a tear  Staining the skin as it fell

Poison
convulse
convulse
convulse
In a matter of seconds her eyes were blank  Sad, hurt, surprised, dead and blank

The reptile shook his head
The man did nothing but stare
And she did the same

There was no winning
I have found Nihilism




































There.  I changed today's story into a poem.
I did things that the artists do...  I have only one period in the whole poem  Beginnings of sentences are shown by capital letters.  My commas are formalities of sentence structure, but I purposely leave out a lot of commas.  I left out the last the last comma in the white description line to make a weakening echo kind of effect.  I hope.  I don't know.
I've used enjambment (breaking my sentences by starting a new line before completing a thought; seen in the "i didn't want to see the..." line).  Don't take English classes.
This poem is a waste of time.


stay beautiful

Hobbyist

He guessed it was love; stroked her cheek.  To him, she might have been too pretty, but nothing else was attractive.  The whole world was filled with things that didn't mean anything.  Nothing could make him feel.
Her eyes, beautiful like roses, looked down.  He hands rested uselessly against him, he pulled his face closer to hers...

"And you won't even feel a thing"  Said the doctor.
Liar.  I could sense the needle puncturing my arm, digging into skin to reach blood. I knew when he pushed in whatever it was, I noticed a difference as my blood mixed with the substance.  Still, I kept my eyes away.  I didn't want to see the doctor.

Light stained his reptilian skin.  He wore a sheen of white squares on the undressed backs of his hands, his lab coat hung long.  He retracted the needle.  A small bubble of blood formed from the minuscule cavity, and it grew to a drop, and grew to a tear.  Staining the skin as it went.

Just then the poison set in.  Deathly pain wracked her body.  She convulsed and convulsed and convulsed.  In a matter of seconds her eyes were blank.  Sad, hurt, surprised, but dead and blank.

The human showed no reaction.  The human had reached a point where nothing else mattered but death.

The reptile shook his head
The man did nothing but stare
And she did the same

There was no winning.






I had a daydream and I wanted to record it.  Hopefully this shows quite well what it was.  Some sort of unnamed passion for an unnamed girl.  Then a flashback, or sort of a transportation out of time to a hospital-like setting.  Except the doctor is really a demon.  This demon torments someone who has been killed on the inside.  And what the demon did, we go back to the passion, kills him even more.  The woman was an unfortunate victim.  Sort of collateral.
Isn't that what we are?
Players in our own lives
Collateral to everyone else.




stay beautiful

Energizer

My physical status goes something like... I've been having one meal per day.  But that will probably change today.
Food has made me ridiculously full lately.  Chewing was a little hard.

But I'm so darn happy for no reason.
I've had a lot of energy for no reason.
I also love the movie Hamlet.  I haven't even seen the whole thing, but I've downloaded it for free.  I can watch it anytime.
I've had pleasing dreams of building computers, of purchasing and purchasing and purchasing.  Cleaning the house, repairing cars, ameliorating everything.  For no good reason I've been happy.  The only thing I haven't dreamed of spending money on is food.  But I have dreamt of buying fancy cooking utensils, doing dishes, and buying clothes.

I have a paper to write.  One paper.
I have 1 calculus test to get 78% or higher on.
And I have 2 classes to show up to.

Then I'm done.  For a month.  I can starve, play my instrument, spend money, walk all day.  Anything.  I'll probably spend the time gaming with what I have.  A safe investment.  Although...  I want to build a computer just to show I can.  I know I can.

I don't exist emotionally right now.  There is nothing but freedom.  Joy every moment to be alive.
And I don't want to be happy.  But I can't control my feelings.

I long to look into a defeated human's eyes and find their sadness.  I wish sorrow like that was mine.
I'll have time after my academic formalities to search.


stay beautiful