Unfaithful

I've been writing somewhere else.
 
 
stay beautiful

Last Night

Someone I lost contact with for now told my sister that I told her I was "afraid I was anorexic"


I said no such thing.  Its a sensitive topic.
And I'm not afraid if I am.
If I am, I want to be, and I don't want to.
I can't help what I am.
And I want to be myself.

Either way, I weigh too much, I eat too much, and I'm too damn good of a cook to be Anorexic.
It was easy enough to shrug off.
But the... concern she suddenly had about my eating habits...

There is a reason I don't like telling people I'm different.
I want to be myself,


Still waiting for you to pick up my calls artist...

Stay Beautiful

Waiting for the rain

Days have passed.
 
I finished a good book.
 
 
I also... binged.  I don't often binge, and even when I do...  a binge doesn't upset me so much.  I feel much better today.  I lifted my tuba, and could hardly lift it.  Unless it got heavier, that means i got weaker.  If I got weaker, I weigh less.  Sometimes I hate being a fat glob of muscle.  Plus, its so much easier to exert myself when I am weak.  I hate when I am so strong that I run for hours and I'm still strung on energy.
 
 
I've been thinking about calling F-F to get a date.  I was going to take her ice skating and then have a picnic at a park and maybe go ice skating again.  I would want to make the call for that tonight.
I am at work right now.
 
Yes, I get paid to update my blog through my email.
I get 2 paychecks tomorrow because... i forgot to pick up the one from last pay day- about 4 times.
meh.
money... I want more, but I don't mind getting it late.
 
There are some things money can't buy.
 
I'm trying for some of those.
 
 
 
I also... got so tired today that I was having hallucinations....
 
my boss walked in while I was doing this.  I minimized the window, and he actually did work on this computer for me; such a nice guy ya know.2623
lol.
I put in my code fogetting this was here.
anyways.  work needs to get done. 
 
 
stay beautiful

HI FOLLOWERS I KNOW YOU ARE THERE

Hey, sometimes I blog just cause I'm lonely.

Feel free to say hi.
I dunno you all.
and I'm scared of you.
but if you say hi first I don't have to be scared...



stay beautiful

Jerk

You are a jerk.  You really pulled the Invisible Pink Unicorn card?
You were just testing her.  You were trying...
You were trying to get her to HELP you.  Because no one else can get you to open up.
You never believed.
You only thought...

of yourself...
I thought of what was best at the time

And things have changed now.  Grades are the most important thing.
what are you afraid of.
Failing again...  I can't let myself fail again.
why are you wasting your time?
I'm hoping.  I'm hoping someone can help me.


Who are you talking to?
No one...



stay beautiful

A secret without a sphinx

I went on a run today and ran out of energy.
Understandable...

I had a few grapes, some strawberries and milk.  So I walked instead.  I don't remember how far I went... I kinda got dazed and couldn't keep track of what lap I was on.  But it was either 2 or 3 laps- (4 or 6 miles) and I run to the trail I run and that is 5 miles for there and back.
I don't like actually calculating these things.
Its just good to know that I don't give my body all the energy it needs.  So its going to have to cut out some of my fat.  Good.
I was about to cut myself anyways.  I don't know.  Just been tempted.  Its been on my mind a lot.
So I accidentally got my arm messed up.  It looks like I went at it with a knife (and cut really shallow).  This was caused by big wood tables that I carried around as a volunteer.  I helped set-up and clean up.

I need to go to a university.  By that... I mean I really want to.  Its so wonderful how much you have to walk, how many people there are that are my age, and how in depth the classes are.  I want that so much.

But I don't have the GPA.
I have Cs.  I have Cs...
Maybe worse if I don't do work right now.

I want to go away.


Maybe this... is why I want to cut so bad.
Its just so frustrating.  Why?
Why can't I do well?

What is it about me that I can't do anything right?

stay beautiful

Dear Miss Strickland

You had two questions for me.  This is them:

1)  Do you ENJOY being offensive?  You CAN help it.

2)  If you are sorry for the title, why did you not just change it before sending the document?

 

The best Defense is a good offense.

I am inferior to all the writers that we read of.  I am less successful than all of them, and I don't see myself going anywhere in the future.  When I criticize literature I am aware that my standing as a student with a low GPA means that I will never get published, recognized, or attain the same level of education that they have already had.  And when I read their writing I ask myself 'what makes you so special?'

I could do that...

 

I'm missing the point.

I know I am flawed.
I'm bitter because of it.

Strangely enough, I can isolate this feeling so that it only comes out when the grade matters.  If we to discuss a story without any reference to giving me points then I could actually talk how you want me to.

I will not ignore the institutions.  You can tell me to ignore the institutions because you don't like my behavior, but I can't ignore them.

 

I am barred from going to the school I want.  The only physical barrier preventing admission to where I want to be is a GPA.

I'm sick with anger because I can't be what I want, even though what I want to be is useful.

I'm sick with self loathing because it is my fault I haven't had the grades.  I have tried but

I hate the system because I can't do it.  All my life I have tried changing myself so that I can abide by their rules and I can jump through their hoops.  But do you know how wretching it is to change a person?

 

It breaks my heart. 

And it never crossed my mind to change the title

(I turned in an essay with the title READMYSHIT.doc)

stay beautiful

T

So uh... I missed yesterday.  I should have blogged then.

I've also already said most of what has been going on at least once.  I don't like blogging about what I talk to people about.


So lately I've been trying a little more.
I've been thinking too about what I need to do to get out of here.
And my dreams feel so real even though I know they aren't getting any closer.
I'm not going to make it out of here soon.

In fact... at this point I don't have the same motivation.
I'm falling more than behind.


PS: I'm very creepy.  I look at myself and what I'm doing.  I talk to girls that I don't know, that are younger than me, encouraging them, complimenting them, joking with them, one could even say flirting.  I'm not looking for a relationship.  I may never want a relationship again.  But I do want to have an open house, and I would like to receive guests as often as possible.  Something even more creep than my actions now are my dreams that later I will be available to host a safe place for people that age, with those problems.  Some people never see their dreams come true.


Stay beautiful

Magic

I showed one of my friends how to ask for a girl's phone number.
I have to say, it is people from prettythin and prettyalone that have built my confidence enough so I can talk to beautiful people.  You are all so beautiful.  I miss you all the time.

I skipped class today.
I'm really afraid of failing, but I felt like I couldn't think straight.  I was reading my book, but I couldn't think while reading.  My normal reading experience is extraordinary, while my eyes find the words my mind traces the imagery and scenery.  Sometimes I even see the events taking place, or I will change them in my mind.  Of course to continue I have to reread the words to make sure I understand what is really going on in the story.  This is why I like Epics, they have some of the richest settings and keep me from deviating too much from the story.  Before I skipped class I was reading, and there was nothing but words.  My head physically hurt and I tried to read but all I got was words.

I couldn't have concentrated in class either.  In fact, for those classes I did show up to, my focus was far lower than regular.  I'm becoming a failure.


I had to nap.  Still things are going wrong.  But some things are resolving.  I have to say that getting that girl's number (I failed to mention this, but my friend has a crush on this girl) boosted the experience of today.  She is pretty, but I should realize that there are people in the world who's lives I don't belong in.
Knowing her will be a pleasant experience for me.

I don't see myself being more than I am now.

I feel like I have hit a wall.

I feel like I can't get better.

I can't do what I strive to do each day.

Each day I learn, I forget something else.

And I don't know enough to know what I must retain for life.

I don't know enough to retain anything for life.

I'm getting weaker and weaker each day.

I can't stand it.

Because of this... I dislike what I am.

I must change

stay beautiful

As it is

I wish men would hug.
I can tell my friends that something is wrong, that i feel down or life is shit.  But they will just say they don't know what to do.  We might talk a few words, but then they will move on with something like "wanna play video games?"

I wish guys hugged each other when things went wrong.

Even in my own mind, when I feel like I could use a hug, I feel like it is wrong to hug another male.  I might be asking him something that will make him uncomfortable, or he won't understand that what I want is a comfortable hug.  Not some slap on the back bro move.  A genuine hug offered by a gentleman.

Forgive me... I'm tired.  It is midday and I can't think.
I want to give up.
But I have already given up.

Reality is just another thing that my mind can't hold right now.


I really need to see the universe as it is.


stay beautiful

I have nothing else to say

I think I shall isolate myself in my room.  Its just so hard to focus right now.  I don't even want to think about what needs to be done.

The only clear thought seems to be how fat I am.  I don't understand how everything else is so difficult to process, and the one thing that makes sense is my deformity.
Why?

stay beautiful

Circadian beast

Its the least wonderful time of the year.
I mean... I'm starting to fail school.  I SEE IT.
Its just going full speed.  So far I have missed nothing.
If I don't write 5 pages tonight I miss that.  And right now that is half my grade.
If I don't do 3 pages of math tomorrow I miss that.  And that would be a sizable chunk that I can't afford to lose.
If I don't kick myself in the butt by this weekend doing 4 sections of studying on brain structures and sleep patterns... well I'm screwed.

And you know what I've been doing.  For the past hour I have been shuffling cards.
Yeah... who needs therapy?  This makes me happy.


Not.


I'm so unintelligent.
Need to sleep, but first, crank up the words.  5 pages tonight!

PS Circadian beast would make a sick magic card... it would be a tough blue creature with some horrible drawback, reminding me of phantom beast right now.
and I'm a dweeb

stay beautiful

Infect

I have time...

And I spend it doing nothing.  Well, I've been obsessing over Magic cards.  Scars of Mirridon came out.  Its my new thing.
I should really avoid it...
Really should...


But its on my mind, because there are so many things I would rather not think about.
I'm failing in school.
It drives me crazy. 

I guess thats all I want to talk about.

Dear Bittersweet and you

Dear Two people I don't know

You aren't alive.  No, you are.  Yes.  I don't know.  Exactly.  I care too much... I could say I don't care, but that is what everyone else says.  No... I care too much about you.  Guess what?  you're a stranger.
You remind me so much of her.  The things she used to do to herself, you do that too.  I'm not grossed out, in fact... it reminds me of all the good moments and I miss her again.  I miss you too.
Do you hear that?  Someone misses you.

I've ignored you.
I haven't even met you, but you already sound perfect.
Bittersweet.
Its the word for something good and bad.  You're going to be bittersweet to me here from now on.
Bittersweet, I want to get to know you so badly.  I want to be able to see you in person.  But I won't.


Why did you write this?
Lonely.  Still.
No... You aren't lonely.  STOP LYING TO ME!
fine, I'll tell you the truth...
I have been wasting time.  I hate wasting time.  I have been ignoring you, and ignoring you and ignoring you.  I have been failing because you make me great.  I eat food because I tell myself it will help you.  Do you?
I eat because I am weak.
I don't feel weak.

You are blind, and you are afraid of being blind.  What does that make you?


stay beautiful

Choice

Wow... touchy are we?
A little on the edge perhaps?  Getting angry isn't your usual response to anything.  You are very impulsive right now...  Its like you can't control yourself.
Fuck you.
Touchy touchy...
I lost patience.
I don't see why you should ever lose patience.  Or why that should make you so irritable.  What insignificant qualms do you posses?
I feel alone.  Betrayed.  Like I wasted my time.  Like I was depending on people and they couldn't help me.  Again.
Again?
Yes.  Again.
There is your problem...  You are stuck in the past... You are not angry at those that are causing you trouble now, but all of those that have betrayed you over your entire lifetime.  You should understand this is foolish.  Anger will not help you.
I thought anger was your tool.
It is...
Just like you are



Stay Beautiful

Neverwrong

I can't be part of anything good.
When you say that I do good deeds I tell myself on the inside I don't.  And I can't explain this.  Although it seems to me to be a defense mechanism against arrogance
Gah... When am I going to start saying things?

A long time ago when I was very hopeful I used to have a unique attitude to all things.  I used to think that it was my responsibility to try the impossible.  If someone said it couldn't be done and I wanted it, I would try for it.  I would do it, and hopefully they would watch me.  Because then they could do it.  Watch and learn...
I learned a lot of things myself by watching.  I learned how to scale streetlamps I learned how to run 5 miles.  I learned all kinds of sports.  I learned my instrument that way.  In those days I didn't think i was invincible, but it felt like I was.
I meet someone.  Someone especially beautiful.  Who I had a supernatural attraction to.
She called me arrogant.

The first time I didn't understand.  Arrogant wasn't a word in my vocabulary.  NO ONE was arrogant.  They were teaching me how to get better.  I admired those that showed off.  I loved them for they made me who I was.
Then I realized something.
Arrogant also meant isolated.  Arrogant also meant that she hated me for what I was.

And that broke me.


This is a message to all of you.  If you are arrogant you will be lost, but if you are not arrogant then you will never be found.

Stay beautiful